Planning my own wedding, being asked to be a bridesmaid 1,000 miles away...

Sister Abe · August 2013

xxxxx

AddieCake · August 2013

Sister Abe said:

I know, 1,000 miles sounds like an exaggeration, but it is in no way so. I'm already on a budget of $5,000 for my own wedding in April, and I'm barely making it - from what we can see we'll only be able to save $4,800 by then (barring no sudden costs - cars, dogs, illnesses). In the case of being a bridesmaid for this other wedding (in March) I'm being asked to buy the dress, at $160 (plus alterations at $75 (more than I'll pay for my own alterations for my wedding dress!)), shoes (unknown yet), hair and makeup, a hotel room (at $129 a night), and a round-trip flight (which I can't find for under $450, and yes, I've been checking frequently). That's approaching $1,000 - 1/5th of my OWN wedding budget! I won't say much about the case of my relationship with the bride, but I am very much considering saying no. But how? In what way? Any advice is very much warranted. Please...

"Friend, I'm sorry, but with planning my own wedding, I simply cannot afford to be a bridesmaid right now."

Abbyjensen · August 2013

Just say no. Meet in person or call her on the phone if she is far away. Tell the bride that you care about her, and wish you were able to attend but your life and budget won't allow for it at this time. If you want to be gentle and careful not to hurt the bride's feelings, just add some follow up ideas. If it is a DW, say that you would love to have her and her hubby over for dinner (or take them out to dinner) after the wedding, you can't wait to see the pictures, etc.

Catwoman708 · August 2013

I would apologize to the friend and step down from being a BM, and explain the even attending will be a financial problem for you.

It's great if you can attend the wedding, but a good friend would understand If you cant.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

I think that you should say no. It's not worth being stressed about finances and your wedding should be the first priority.

Sister Abe · August 2013

xxxxx

STARMOON44 · August 2013

This doesn't sound outrageous to me. Too expensive for you, sure, but other than requiring hair and makeup (not clear to me that they are required) it sounds like the biggest cost is the flight, and the bride can't do anything about that.

I think you need to apologize to her for agreeing and then backing out, and explain that taking a closer look at your own finances, you just can't afford it.

ETA: it sounds too like your own judgment is coming through. Be careful with that. To you, $30 shoes are a great choice. To someone else, she'd rather pick out her own $300 shoes than waste the money on something cheap she won't wear again.

MoonlightSilver · August 2013

If the bride is demanding certain shoes or hair, the bride should pay for those. Otherwise, wear a pair you own and do your own hair- and you can knock those out of the budget.

Flights will go up in price the more often you look at them- clear your cache when you're ready to buy.

If you really cant afford it, just tell the bride that,

Sister Abe · August 2013

xxxxx

Sister Abe · August 2013

xxxxxx

Sister Abe · August 2013

xxxxx

Sister Abe · August 2013

xxxxx

Sister Abe · August 2013

I pretty much never use online forums, so this was a bad idea, since no one knows the situation personally.

ashleyep · August 2013

Sister Abe said:

I don't think you understand - if the bride knows that I wouldn't be able to afford that, and she did, there is no reason to ask me unless you plan to help. I didn't "EXPECT" her to pay, I just expected her to be up front about me paying it. If that had been the case I would have said no from the beginning. If you disagree with what I'm saying, feel free to visit another forum.

You can't just tell someone to visit another forum. When you post a thread you open yourself up to everyone's opinion.

Also, what do you mean you didn't know you would be paying for your plane ticket? Did you not know the wedding was in Texas? If not, that's one thing. If you did know it was in Texas, who did you expect would buy your plane ticket?

Sister Abe · August 2013

Ugh. I've heard from others that The Knot is overrun by nasty people.

Thank you for the sound advice, to most of you - when you start saying things just to be rude, that's when I stop listening.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

This is a good lesson for lurkers that if anyone asks you to be a BM, it's good to find out where the wedding will be and crunch the numbers to see if you can afford to attend (same as a guest figures out if they can afford to attend before they RSVP).

There's nothing wrong with saying, "I am so honored and would love to be involved, but I need to ask you a few questions since I'm in a bit of a financial bind right now: where is your wedding and do you know approximately how much the hotel might cost - if you already have your room blocks set up?.... great, thanks for the info. Would you mind if I took a day to crunch some numbers? I'd love to be a BM and I am so honored that you asked me, but I just need to make sure I can afford it." Any true friend would absolutely understand.

Sister Abe · August 2013

Actually, when I did talk to her, she offered to temporarily help me out until I could pay her back after my wedding because she knew that if I could afford it, I'd be there in a heartbeat. What's unfortunate (and immature, might I add) is that you called me immature and disgusting without really knowing me.

Way to go! Hypocrisy at it's finest.

Sister Abe · August 2013

Complaining is not my game, dear. Being fiscally responsible is. You grow up - and pay off your credit cards.

Sister Abe · August 2013

I thought being an adult didn't include being called "rude" when I was trying to get advice about not ruining my finances and gently letting someone down. I didn't ask if it was RUDE to do so. But alas, I am apparently rude, once again, for being responsible. If I don't have the money, I don't have the money. When you can't help it, you're not rude, you just in a situation in life that not everyone else is in. I'm so sorry, ms. penguin, that I'm not in a financial state where I can do all of those things you mentioned (i.e. plan a budget where I have some wiggle room) and THEN pay 1,000 on top of that. It's something that I thought long and hard about. It was not a jumping to a conclusion decision. I thought I could pay for it, then when I realized it was much farther out of reach than I originally thought, it was time to let go of the idea of this ever happening by my own attempts. I have too much pride to outright ask a bride for assistance, so I wasn't about to be like "hey, I truly can't do this, will you give me $1,000 so I can?" because no matter how much you love a friend, that's just a shitty question to ask - especially when you're a bride. Either way I was going to look like a shitty person, so I opted to look less shitty to her by being honest and telling her I wasn't going to be able to pay for that, although I would love nothing more than to share the joys of her wedding day.

So, think about who you're talking to before you just assume that everyone's just looking for a quick out, and they just don't feel like paying money. My wedding budget is as small as it gets. Any less and I'd be going to the courthouse, really, and since I've waited 30 years for it, it's not an option for me. Assuming that I've "overbudgeted" is a very, very crappy thing to do as well. You have no clue what I've bought, planned to buy, or have even chosen as a wedding theme. What the hell business do you have telling me I've "overbudgeted?" So far, I've spent ZERO dollars on my own wedding. Saving is all I've done. So back up. Just because paying for being a bridesmaid in another person's wedding is 1/5 of my own budget does not claim that my budgeting hasn't been done well. When you budget you plan, and I'm planning. Planning involves thinking things through, which is what I've done.

Think your next comment through, please. I'm not rich, I'm not over-budgeting, I'm not rude, I'm a simple person who doesn't make much money and wants to have a wedding that I haven't been dreaming of for 30 years because I KNOW I can't afford it and neither can my best friends... and I'm not going to ask them to pay for something just because I dreamt it up. My friends are my friends and I intend to treat them with respect and care because I want to keep them as friends. I'm glad this particular friend feels the same about me.

Sister Abe · August 2013

Your first response was polite, and at first I wasn't referring to you, but you've definitely shown your bad side, and I want nothing to do with your advice from then on.

I'm not crying about not making money, I'm taking care of myself - I don't feel oppressed by any means, but obviously you think I do. I'm just fine, lady! But if you think I'm not don't expect me to put myself in a position of hating myself because you think I'm poor.

If you had read my entire response, you'd obviously see that the situation was resolved and I need no more of your advice. In fact, I didn't see your original post before I spoke with the bride. Thanks to the first three people who responded to me that actually had sound advice WITHOUT calling me rude, I fixed the situation with the help of my very good friend.

Back. Off.

Sister Abe · August 2013

Thank the Lord.

Dreamergirl8812 · August 2013

MUD.

This is OP's first post, she immediately flips out before anyone even has a chance to be rude to her, and then she condemns the entire knot. This is fake. There is no way her reading comprehension is this poor.

grumbledore · August 2013

Sister Abe said:

I thought being an adult didn't include being called "rude" when I was trying to get advice about not ruining my finances and gently letting someone down. I didn't ask if it was RUDE to do so. But alas, I am apparently rude, once again, for being responsible. If I don't have the money, I don't have the money. When you can't help it, you're not rude, you just in a situation in life that not everyone else is in. I'm so sorry, ms. penguin, that I'm not in a financial state where I can do all of those things you mentioned (i.e. plan a budget where I have some wiggle room) and THEN pay 1,000 on top of that. It's something that I thought long and hard about. It was not a jumping to a conclusion decision. I thought I could pay for it, then when I realized it was much farther out of reach than I originally thought, it was time to let go of the idea of this ever happening by my own attempts. I have too much pride to outright ask a bride for assistance, so I wasn't about to be like "hey, I truly can't do this, will you give me $1,000 so I can?" because no matter how much you love a friend, that's just a shitty question to ask - especially when you're a bride. Either way I was going to look like a shitty person, so I opted to look less shitty to her by being honest and telling her I wasn't going to be able to pay for that, although I would love nothing more than to share the joys of her wedding day.

So, think about who you're talking to before you just assume that everyone's just looking for a quick out, and they just don't feel like paying money. My wedding budget is as small as it gets. Any less and I'd be going to the courthouse, really, and since I've waited 30 years for it, it's not an option for me. Assuming that I've "overbudgeted" is a very, very crappy thing to do as well. You have no clue what I've bought, planned to buy, or have even chosen as a wedding theme. What the hell business do you have telling me I've "overbudgeted?" So far, I've spent ZERO dollars on my own wedding. Saving is all I've done. So back up. Just because paying for being a bridesmaid in another person's wedding is 1/5 of my own budget does not claim that my budgeting hasn't been done well. When you budget you plan, and I'm planning. Planning involves thinking things through, which is what I've done.

Think your next comment through, please. I'm not rich, I'm not over-budgeting, I'm not rude, I'm a simple person who doesn't make much money and wants to have a wedding that I haven't been dreaming of for 30 years because I KNOW I can't afford it and neither can my best friends... and I'm not going to ask them to pay for something just because I dreamt it up. My friends are my friends and I intend to treat them with respect and care because I want to keep them as friends. I'm glad this particular friend feels the same about me.

You posted your question on the Etiquette board dear. That is why, gasp!, people might tell you that backing out of a wedding party when you've already committed and purchased a dress is rude. Because it is. Also wow.

Planning my own wedding, being asked to be a bridesmaid 1,000 miles away...

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