Newly engaged, conflicted feelings.

Re: Newly engaged, conflicted feelings.

• bethsmiles member

  

  July 2013

  How you handle your finances and the lifestyle you want to aim to achieve are important issue that should be handled before marriage. Personally, I wouldn't set a date until you have this issue sorted out. Your goals in life should be compatible and from your post it doesn't sound like they are - which means one or both of you might end up unhappy. And being able to agree on how to handle finances is a huge part of being able to make a marriage work.
  
  I would suggest going to couple's counseling to discuss these issues (and any more that might arise) before getting married or even moving forward with wedding planning. You can't force yourself to lead a lifestyle that makes you unhappy just because you love someone. Sometimes love isn't enough.
  

  
  

  
  

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• MayDay513 member

  

  July 2013

  tigerlily2559 said:

  I am engaged to the love of my life. He is sweet, loving, romantic, confident, honest and strong - AND we have an amazing connection, spiritually and physically. We have been talking about marriage pretty much since we got back together (we dated years ago when we were very young), and we are both really excited about being married and spending our loves together. Very romantic and idealistic... OK so then there's this other side of me who is scared to death of making the wrong life decision, DIVORCE, feeling trapped, not getting everything I want out of life, etc etc. One part of me wants to say "screw the Joneses" and live nomadically, not caring about material things or debt or careers or retirement. Then the other part of me very much wants to be (or at least the option to be at SOME POINT later in life) a "kept woman" with a big diamond ring, a big nice house, lots of land, investments, an SUV and kids in dance and football and private school, vacations every year, and being able to buy the things I want and need, when I want and need them.

  I was raised in a broken household, basically by a single mom who worked very hard to give us everything we wanted, and never let us know that we were anything less than rich. I now know of her sacrifices and struggles, and of course I want to do everything I can to shield myself from that kind of hard lifestyle. She raised us to never have to depend on anyone but ourselves...  So I am now 28 and very independent, I went to college, I make good money, I have a savings account and some small investments and I shop and spend how I please (not always a good thing - I need to work on that). Now I know marriage requires compromise, and I am hoping that we are each benefitting from each other, but...

  See he was raised in a very modest household, eating mayo sandwiches or rice casseroles every day, with two parents that loved each other but both worked two jobs to make ends meet. They had many struggles and he grew up wanting for alot of things he didnt have. Instead of wanting to make his and our family's life "better", it seems he wants to mimic that life, getting defensive when I bring up big hopes and dreams and plans for our future and seemingly not having any desire to grow his career, make more money, have a nice house and accumulate wealth. He says he wants to be able to retire and live a comfortable life and everything, but makes no steps to get there.

  Bottom line is that I am scared. I guess I always pictured my engagement with a beautiful diamond ring, a stylish and powerful man, and freedom to have the wedding I want and live the lifestyle I love, WHILE having the deep connection and unconditional love that is so important to me. I'm afraid I sound shallow, but I'm just trying to be completely honest. I still love this man with all of my heart, but I don't want to be disappointed in life and I don't want to be a brat. I've pretty much accepted the fact that I will have to work very, very hard and be the main breadwinner/wife/mom/lifecoach/support system/brainstormer/planner/housekeeper until my (hopeful) retirement, but is there no hope? How can I show him the perks of not living paycheck-to-paycheck? I want to be on the same page and am scared this is something serious that we need to address before the wedding.

  It sounds like you guys should take this engagement season easy and work on how to handle finances before you start wedding planning. It can get very expensive. This is serious. You do need to get on the same page. Honestly, I think you may resent him if you do not get on the same page ASAP. This may look very different for each couple. But how we did it was we sat down and wrote down our wants: a vacation every year, how much is a reasonable amount to maintain in the savings all the time etc etc. What are your life goals and do they match up with his? Brain- storm (not set in stone) talk about if you have children would you like to stay home with them?
  

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• PirateBarbie member

  

  July 2013

  tigerlily2559 said:

  I am engaged to the love of my life. He is sweet, loving, romantic, confident, honest and strong - AND we have an amazing connection, spiritually and physically. We have been talking about marriage pretty much since we got back together (we dated years ago when we were very young), and we are both really excited about being married and spending our loves together. Very romantic and idealistic... OK so then there's this other side of me who is scared to death of making the wrong life decision, DIVORCE, feeling trapped, not getting everything I want out of life, etc etc. One part of me wants to say "screw the Joneses" and live nomadically, not caring about material things or debt or careers or retirement. Then the other part of me very much wants to be (or at least the option to be at SOME POINT later in life) a "kept woman" with a big diamond ring, a big nice house, lots of land, investments, an SUV and kids in dance and football and private school, vacations every year, and being able to buy the things I want and need, when I want and need them.

  I was raised in a broken household, basically by a single mom who worked very hard to give us everything we wanted, and never let us know that we were anything less than rich. I now know of her sacrifices and struggles, and of course I want to do everything I can to shield myself from that kind of hard lifestyle. She raised us to never have to depend on anyone but ourselves...  So I am now 28 and very independent, I went to college, I make good money, I have a savings account and some small investments and I shop and spend how I please (not always a good thing - I need to work on that). Now I know marriage requires compromise, and I am hoping that we are each benefitting from each other, but...

  See he was raised in a very modest household, eating mayo sandwiches or rice casseroles every day, with two parents that loved each other but both worked two jobs to make ends meet. They had many struggles and he grew up wanting for alot of things he didnt have. Instead of wanting to make his and our family's life "better", it seems he wants to mimic that life, getting defensive when I bring up big hopes and dreams and plans for our future and seemingly not having any desire to grow his career, make more money, have a nice house and accumulate wealth. He says he wants to be able to retire and live a comfortable life and everything, but makes no steps to get there.

  Bottom line is that I am scared. I guess I always pictured my engagement with a beautiful diamond ring, a stylish and powerful man, and freedom to have the wedding I want and live the lifestyle I love, WHILE having the deep connection and unconditional love that is so important to me. I'm afraid I sound shallow, but I'm just trying to be completely honest. I still love this man with all of my heart, but I don't want to be disappointed in life and I don't want to be a brat. I've pretty much accepted the fact that I will have to work very, very hard and be the main breadwinner/wife/mom/lifecoach/support system/brainstormer/planner/housekeeper until my (hopeful) retirement, but is there no hope? How can I show him the perks of not living paycheck-to-paycheck? I want to be on the same page and am scared this is something serious that we need to address before the wedding.

  i was rolling my eyes at your first paragraph, but the last thing you said showed sense - this is absolutely something you need to address before the wedding. 

  
  

  i'd imagine it would be frustrating to know that you're a very driven person, and your SO is not the same way. it sounds like you have different goals/dreams/wishes/hopes - and they're not compatible. I can't imagine marrying someone who didn't want the same things that I did, at least on some level, and wasn't willing to work to make those things happen. It sounds like you're going to end up bitter and resentful of your H coasting through life while you're fighting to keep the family afloat/clothed/fed/etc. You're going to be burned out. What happens if you lose your job? What happens if you get sick and can't work? What happens if you have kids and want to take an extended leave, or be a SAHM?

  
  

  don't expect that you're going to change anything - and if you go through with the wedding, you may want to consider a pre-nup. 

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• Grabows14 member

  

  July 2013

  From personal experience, which exactly how your story sounds, I got engaged and he was perfect, we were the best of friends and I thought we could have it all. But he didn't want to have it all and that eventually made me incredibly unhappy that he couldn't see the potential for wealth and adventure. I broke up with him 6 months before our wedding and thousands of dollars down the drain. Take the time to ask the hard questions that you think are important, and encourage him to do the same. He may desire things in life that you never want to do and didn't realize he thought that was how it was going to be. I truly wish you the best of luck and that you end up happy one way or the other. Do not settle for anything less than your happiness. Your life is worth more than settling for a relationship you can "deal" with, trust me.

  

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• Bubblegum5586 member

  

  July 2013 edited July 2013

  This reminds me of my parents. My mom was so goal oriented and always striving to better herself and be more successful and my dad was content with how things were. 

  
  

  After 18 years of marriage they divorced, my mom has continuously improved her career and bought a nicer house while my dad still lives in the same dumpy house in the woods slowly letting it get worse and worse, no cable no internet. Just works his job and comes home and works on his hobbies he loves.

  
  

  My parents are still best friends, both happily remarried and would never change their path that brought them to where they are now (including my sister and I). But as I got older and started to understand their marriage and divorce more, it took away my anger and I was able to see they were just different people that continued to grow more different then together.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• hmonkey member

  

  July 2013

  tigerlily2559 said:

  How can I show him the perks of not living paycheck-to-paycheck? I want to be on the same page and am scared this is something serious that we need to address before the wedding.
  

  for a week, eat cat food and take a bus everywhere. that's what your retirement will look like if you stay with this dude.

  

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• DG1 member

  

  August 2013

  Also recognize that there's a HUGE spectrum between paycheck to paycheck and cat food dinners and being rich with a nanny driving your 2 kids to private schools and french lessons in the latest model Range Rover in between vacations to Monte Carlo. 

  
  

  My H's and my families have pretty different financial backgrounds. They didn't live paycheck to paycheck, exactly, but there were things they definitely couldn't afford (like his joining little league, for example), and both of his parents were blue collar workers who couldn't necessarily count on job stability for whatever reasons, so they were careful with what they did have. 

  
  

  My parents were (and are) frugal, but more out of good sense than absolute need. And while I didn't have the latest fashions or a new car at 16, I certainly never felt any pressure not to sign up for an activity because of its cost. (It helps that horseriding wasn't on my preferred activity list.)
  
  In any case, while H is still much tighter with money than I am, he worked his ass off to get a degree that would afford him job stability and a good paycheck. We'll never own a $70,000 car, but we also don't sweat over whether bread is $2.00 or $1.50 this week, you know? 

  
  

  That was long. Anyway, the others are right. Money is a HUGE issue in a marriage, even when you actually have some. Respect for the other's priorities (ambition vs. fun time, for example) is another huge issue. Definitely don't marry this guy until you are both on the same page, including discussion of the many things that might happen in the future (planned or unplanned children, job losses, crashing economies, health problems that limit his or your ability to work, hopes for travel, plans for retirement - the whole deal.) 

  
  

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• Angel2909 member

  

  August 2013

  I haven't read many people's responses and don't know what has already been said, but I have been in this exact same situation with my only ex-boyfriend. I am also from a very broken home and was always taught to be independent and have always fought to get myself to the position I am at today. I dated a boyfriend for about 4 years when I realized he wasn't willing to fight for the things I wanted out of life- my family has very little money and so did his, we always talked about creating a better life for ourself so we could life comfortably and not struggle financially. I started down that path by going to college, and he said he would too. Well, when the time came for him to act he didn't. He went to a semester of community college and dropped out, while I was working my ass off at a very reputable college 2.5 hours away. In the end, our differences of willingness to work towards the life we always said we wanted we're extremely different- he talked the talk but couldn't walk the walk :P In the end, I had to do some soul searching and although it was the hardest thing I've ever done, I broke up with him to search for my desired future with someone that not only shared in my vision, but was willing to work to guarantee it happening. 

  
  

  You need to decide what is more important- compromising with him to an acceptable medium point, or moving on. I definitely wouldn't set a wedding date until you talk about it in depth. If he's not willing to compromise or work toward what you want, which it sounds like he isn't, than you need to really decide what is more important to you and go from there... Leaving him was the hardest decision I made, but it allowed me to meet my fiancee who wants the same things out of life as I do, and has proven himself to work toward making our plans a reality.     Follow your instinct. Regrets and "what ifs" can haunt you forever, but following your independent desires in life will prove successful for you, especially since you are an independent-minded person. 

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• tigerlily2559 member

  

  August 2013

  I want to thank everyone for taking the time to read my post and comment truthfully on it. We have had a few talks, and I'm sure there will be many more, but for now we have decided that premarital counseling is a good idea in order for us to really understand each other. We have also been able to figure out that we do have a lot of the same goals in life, he just has no idea how to get there. He realized he was never taught how to plan for the future and also never had the opportunity to experience the outcomes of good financial planning. He is tight with the day-to-day money and I am not. I know how to plan for the future and he does not. We are hopeful that with some good couples counseling and a financial planner or two, we can figure it out together. It will be a long and continuous process, but one that we are looking forward to. Thank you again for your advice and if I can keep this thread open I will update you all during our journey. XOXO

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• bethsmiles member

  

  August 2013

  That's good to hear! Good luck with the future
  

  
  

  
  

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• prettyfacegal

  

  August 2013

  Remeber that the both of you must be equally yoked in all that you do. Just my opinion.

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