FILs throwing party night before...

LizzyB31 · August 2013

no its not the rehearsal... theyre throwing a party the night before our morning wedding, 1 hour away, inviting their entire side (40 people) + want us to come....

not only do FH and I not want to go, we're also insulted/hurt they're trying to upstage the wedding, but they said they HAVE to do and are not listening to our requests NOT to do it. We asked them do an after wedding dinner or brunch or engagement party instead...no compromise apparently.

help! how do we stop it?!

WinstonsGirl · August 2013

You can't stop them, but you don't have to go. Is it going to conflict with you rehearsal/rehearsal dinner?? Regardless, feel free to decline if you don't want to/can't go

ETA - I can't think of anything they could have at this party that would upstage the wedding. Unless they had a rainbow unicorn petting zoo. That would be pretty epic I think

MoonlightSilver · August 2013

Why do you think they're trying to "upstage" you by hosting their family members? If you're uncomfortable, you can decline the invite, but don't expect them to cancel. They want to see and spend time with their family.

kmmssg · August 2013

Agree with the others. You and FI need to decline the invitation and be firm about it.

Simply Fated · August 2013

Definitely decline to go. If their guests want to attend a party the night before they are attending a morning wedding, then that's their choice. And it's the FILs choice to throw the party. Let them show up tired with bags under their eyes. Their choice and not one you can make for them.

Bubbles2014 · August 2013

WinstonsGirl said:

You can't stop them, but you don't have to go. Is it going to conflict with you rehearsal/rehearsal dinner?? Regardless, feel free to decline if you don't want to/can't go

ETA - I can't think of anything they could have at this party that would upstage the wedding. Unless they had a rainbow unicorn petting zoo. That would be pretty epic I think

I'd attend that party. And steal the unicorn so I could have an epic wedding the day after

another KT · August 2013

I think declining is kind of spiteful. I would try to attend for at least part of the party. I think people forget that a big part of weddings are bringing families together and it is a family gathering.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

I would talk to them about why you're apprehensive about it - it's far away and you're getting married in the morning. Let them know you planned to be in bed super early because of the morning wedding and getting ready. Let them know that for these reasons you are feeling like it's going to be too much to handle and that you will probably not be able to make it. Hold your ground.

Abbyjensen · August 2013

What is the purpose of the party? Do you have to go? Maybe they are planning a party because they want to spend time with OOT family members and have quality family time before mingling the next morning with your family/his family/friends. Maybe they know that some OOT guests are leaving right after the wedding. I think it's a valid time to have a party like that.

But you don't have to go. You probably have to be up by 5:00, and saying you have a lot to do and want to go to bed early is a valid reason to not attend. I wouldn't expect you to attend.

Jen4948 · August 2013

another KT said:

I think declining is kind of spiteful. I would try to attend for at least part of the party. I think people forget that a big part of weddings are bringing families together and it is a family gathering.

I disagree. Neither holding a big party the night before a wedding, nor declining to attend such a party, is "spiteful."

The night before a wedding can be very stressful, especially for a bridal couple, and they may just need the time to decompress before a very big day. There's nothing whatsoever "spiteful" about that.

kmmssg · August 2013

another KT said:

I think declining is kind of spiteful. I would try to attend for at least part of the party. I think people forget that a big part of weddings are bringing families together and it is a family gathering.

Disagree. I think, "they're throwing a party the night before our morning wedding, 1 hour away, inviting their entire side (40 people) + want us to come....

not only do FH and I not want to go, we're also insulted/hurt they're trying to upstage the wedding, but they said they HAVE to do and are not listening to our requests NOT to do it. We asked them do an after wedding dinner or brunch or engagement party instead...no compromise apparently"

is spiteful. These people are throwing a party they DON'T have to host at an incredibly inconvenient time and have been asked not to. There is nothing spiteful about the couple setting a boundary and not being walked on.

JellyBean52513 · August 2013

kmmssg said:

another KT said:

I think declining is kind of spiteful. I would try to attend for at least part of the party. I think people forget that a big part of weddings are bringing families together and it is a family gathering.

Disagree. I think, "they're throwing a party the night before our morning wedding, 1 hour away, inviting their entire side (40 people) + want us to come....

not only do FH and I not want to go, we're also insulted/hurt they're trying to upstage the wedding, but they said they HAVE to do and are not listening to our requests NOT to do it. We asked them do an after wedding dinner or brunch or engagement party instead...no compromise apparently"

is spiteful. These people are throwing a party they DON'T have to host at an incredibly inconvenient time and have been asked not to. There is nothing spiteful about the couple setting a boundary and not being walked on.

To the bolded-- what gives the couple the right to request that a party not happen the night before their wedding? As long as it doesn't interfere with important, wedding-related events like the rehearsal/RD or it doesn't prevent all party attendees to show up sober and on-time to the wedding, who cares? The couple doesn't HAVE to attend, but they also don't have any legitimate right to be upset about a party being thrown. Maybe this is one of the only occasions where they'll have the opportunity to get 40+ people from their side of the family together and they want to kick back in a relaxed atmosphere and catch up. Whatever the reason, the couple can decline the invitation and worry about themselves on the night before their wedding. The party doesn't have to be all about them and this "trying to upstage our wedding" crap is dramatic and ridiculous.

NYCBruin · August 2013

JellyBean52513 said:

To the bolded-- what gives the couple the right to request that a party not happen the night before their wedding? As long as it doesn't interfere with important, wedding-related events like the rehearsal/RD or it doesn't prevent all party attendees to show up sober and on-time to the wedding, who cares? The couple doesn't HAVE to attend, but they also don't have any legitimate right to be upset about a party being thrown. Maybe this is one of the only occasions where they'll have the opportunity to get 40+ people from their side of the family together and they want to kick back in a relaxed atmosphere and catch up. Whatever the reason, the couple can decline the invitation and worry about themselves on the night before their wedding. The party doesn't have to be all about them and this "trying to upstage our wedding" crap is dramatic and ridiculous.

I think it's a legitimate request to make. I assume if the party was held at a less inconvenient time, the bride and groom would probably want to attend (seeing as OP stated that they asked if the party could be held at a different time). The bride and groom probably would also like to visit with these people, so asking the party to happen at a different time when they could actually request isn't exactly a ridiculous request. Since the reason people will be in the area is for the wedding, it's safe to assume the guests at this party would also like to visit with the bride and groom, which they won't be able to do if the party is held the night before since the bride and groom won't be attending.

I also don't think it's ridiculous to be upset that someone is throwing a party the evening before a morning wedding. I can see how the OP might be worried that if this party goes into the later hours of the night, that many of the guests at the wedding will be tired. It just seems like bad/weird timing to me.

I think it's perfectly within the couple's rights to ask that the party be held at a different time. Since the hosts aren't willing to move the party, there's nothing wrong with them declining the invitation.

courtski2004 · August 2013

Does your FI have a lot of OOT family? This is probably just an opportunity for your FFIL's to get together with family members that they don't get to see very often. I highly doubt they are trying to upstage your wedding unless they are bringing in another couple to get married.

All of my family is OOT, and very few of them live close to one another. It was basically a family reunion, and if my parents or my IL's chose to have a get together like what your FIL's are having, I say go for it. I would probably be excited to go and hang out with everybody before the hoopla of the wedding the next day TBH. There isn't anything wrong if you wanted to decline the invitation--just let them know that you really need to take it easy the night before. I don't think that declining would be viewed as spiteful unless your only reason to not go was because you thought they were trying to upstage your wedding (which is just foolish in my opinion).

JellyBean52513 · August 2013

I get (and agree with) the reasoning behind why such a party is inconvenient/poorly-timed/inconsiderate/etc, but how many times have posters here told brides to calm down about other weddings or parties being thrown in close proximity to their own wedding, because they don't own the time around their wedding?

I don't think the bride and groom have the right to ask their ILs not to throw this party. B&G know they need to be up early, they can decide for themselves whether or not to go. Same goes for attending guests. For all we know, this "party" might be nothing more than a get-together with dinner that ends by 8pm. The fact that the OP feels like this party is trying to upstage their wedding make me inclined to believe she's being a little dramatic, and I can't justify telling her that she's within her rights to tell her ILs not to host people in their own home.

NYCBruin · August 2013

JellyBean52513 said:

I get (and agree with) the reasoning behind why such a party is inconvenient/poorly-timed/inconsiderate/etc, but how many times have posters here told brides to calm down about other weddings or parties being thrown in close proximity to their own wedding, because they don't own the time around their wedding?

I don't think the bride and groom have the right to ask their ILs not to throw this party. B&G know they need to be up early, they can decide for themselves whether or not to go. Same goes for attending guests. For all we know, this "party" might be nothing more than a get-together with dinner that ends by 8pm. The fact that the OP feels like this party is trying to upstage their wedding make me inclined to believe she's being a little dramatic, and I can't justify telling her that she's within her rights to tell her ILs not to host people in their own home.

I think the difference here is that this is a party that is related to the wedding. It's not like this is a birthday party or a different wedding. I would have a completely different answer if this was a separate event/party, but it's clearly wedding-related. I think the people getting married are within their rights to make requests about wedding-related parties. There's nothing wrong with making the request that the party be held at a different time, but I agree once the request has been made and refused, the bride should just let it go and decline the invitation. If I was an OOT guest for a morning wedding, I would probably also decline an invitation for a party the evening before that was an hour away.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

Don't go and let them enjoy their party. It's not that complicated.

s-aries8990 · August 2013

You asked. They declined to change the party. Decline your invitation. Boom - done.

I think it's acceptable that you requested the date change, but they are within their rights to hold it the night they intended. You don't stop it, and you shouldn't stop it. If FILs want to host a pre-wedding soiree, they have every right to. If they get mad you can't attend, tell them that you already have plans to go to bed early and rest up for the big day and that you have already explained that to them.

It never hurts to ask, but it will cause trouble if you pursue this.

What kind of party is it that you feel will upstage your wedding? Are they having mud wrestlers or something?

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

another KT said:

I think declining is kind of spiteful. I would try to attend for at least part of the party. I think people forget that a big part of weddings are bringing families together and it is a family gathering.

I don't, I think declining is logical. No way in hell I'd attend a party the night before my morning wedding ceremony, especially if that meant having to drive 2 hours round trip and especially if I was having a rehearsal that night.

simplykayla · August 2013

I would decline the invite to the party.
As for your frustration about them throwing the party, I think that depends on what kind of party it is. If it really is just a get together with OOT relatives, some dinner, and everyone leaves at a decent time, I don't see a problem with that.
Now, if they're the kind of family to bust out the drinks and be partying all night long the night before your morning wedding, then I'd be a little annoyed, and worried about relatives being hung over at the wedding.
But either way, I wouldn't be attending if my wedding was the next morning.

AlexisA01 · August 2013

Also some of those people invited to the family event may not be invited to the wedding which would make things awkward.

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