FMIL requesting to "disinvite"

cedixon0 · August 2013

So, our STD's went out about four months ago and we sent one to each of my FMIL's sisters (she had three). Since that time, one of her sisters has passed away and it has caused a riff between her and the other two sisters. My FI doesn't speak to either of his aunts and we only sent the STD's to them at FMIL's request. This weekend, she asked me NOT to send them invitations, because she "would have a better time if they were not there" and "does not want them to be present". I don't know what to do! I know etiquette says that anyone who got a STD gets an invite, and that's my instinct, but I also don't want to cause a rift between me and FMIL. FI doesn't talk to either of these aunts, and the first time he had seen them in years was at his aunt's funeral . . . any advice, ladies? Please help! I feel stuck between an etiquette rock and a FMIL hard place.

melbelleup · August 2013

i would not disinvite anyone. If they honestly aren't getting along by time your wedding comes, they won't show up. Maybe they'll take the wedding invite as a way they should speak to each other and get along again. The wedding is so far away that by time it comes they might be back to normal. If your FMIL doesn't want them there still when the date is near, just seat them so they're not near her. Even at my cousin's wedding I didn't see all my relatives.

ETA: In later years once they have a good relationship, they along with FMIL will regret not going to the wedding. Don't be the reason they have that regret.

Abbyjensen · August 2013

Ask FI. If he wants his aunts there, invite them. But if he would rather support his mother, I might not send them an invitation.

If FMIL is seriously not wanting to invite her sisters, I would ONLY consider not sending an invitation if FMIL called her sisters on the phone and said, "I know that you got a STD, but because of xyz, I will not invite you to my son's wedding, at my request."

Considering FI never talks to his aunts, he probably doesn't care if he has a "good" relationship with them, but he should know that this decision could possibly reflect on him. If MIL is prepared to end her relationships with her sisters, that's on her shoulders.

Honestly, in your shoes, I would probably send an invitation anyways and hope (for MIL's sake) that they didn't come. If they did, I'd just roll with the punches- it would probably end up being fine.

[Deleted User] · August 2013

Tough call. If you have the time, I would plan to invite them but talk to FMIL when you are closer. Even maybe get invites ready to go out and hold onto them until the last minute you can send them out without it looking like we forgot you or your b list. Hopefully by then, things will smooth out. But depending on what caused the riff, they may never get over it and in that case, even though it's wrong, you need to respect FMIL request because she is the one you need to deal with on a regular basis, not the aunts. If the riff goes both ways, there is a good chance they won't be expecting an invite anymore due to that.

Good luck!!

Jen4948 · August 2013

Well, as you pointed out, etiquettely speaking, you really can't not follow up with invitations to people you sent save-the-dates to.

Hopefully, things will improve between your FMIL and her sisters. Even if they don't, and the sisters show up at the wedding (which doesn't seem likely), just have security available to escort anyone out who needs it.

But closer to the wedding, let everyone know who needs to that the wedding is not the place to regurgitate old hostilities.

kmmssg · August 2013

You know, I have seen people act quite reprehensibly and unforgivably after the death of a close relative so, for me, I would say it would depend on WHY there has been a falling out. Nine times out of ten I would say once a STD has been sent there are no takesies backsies, but I also know that life can sometimes be bigger than etiquette and you need to look at the big picture.

The big picture is what is important here, not the wedding itself. What kind of rift is this going to cause for all of eternity if you don't invite them. If you do invite them, have they done something incredibly unforgivable to FMIL and their presence truly will crush her day? Make your decision based on the big picture and what has really occured.

Tough choice. good luck to you.

crunchymamaof2 · August 2013

What happens if they make up after you disinvite them. This mess could get bigger fast. I say just invite them as planned and like a PP said, if they really dislike eachother that much it's unlikely they'll come.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

First, I would ask your FI if he wants them there.

Generally, I think people can set aside their in-fighting issues to celebrate someone's wedding. If they can't, it speaks to their maturity. However, I think it really depends what kind of issues they're having. For example, if it's fighting over money and who got what in the will, I'd tell them to grow up. If it's an issues of abuse or something more extreme, I think that trumps etiquette any day of the week.

MoonlightSilver · August 2013

First, figure out if your FI is okay not having them invited. Then, ask FMIL to hold off making this decision until it's actually time for the invites to go out. The relationship can change between now and then, and you don't want her looking bad. If FMIL still doesn't want them invited when the invites go out, you could talk to her and point out that her sisters probably wont attend, but you (and she) will look like the bigger / better person for sending the invites anyway. Try and convince her with logic and etiquette that it's necessary. Only if she's hard set against it and FI is okay not inviting them, would I not send invites.

cedixon0 · August 2013

Well, the rift was going on before the recent death of the one sister and from what I can tell has been going on for years. Basically the two sisters did not come visit the dying sister despite repeated requests and pretty much begging from my FMIL. She has said over the past six months or so that she will never talk to them again, and the funeral was *awkward* because none of them were speaking to each other. Knowing my FMIL, I have no doubt at all that they will never speak again (she is not the type to forgive, especially since she basically moved in with the deceased sister for six months and the other two couldn't even be bothered to visit). I really do think it will affect my relationship with her if I invite them anyways. My FI does not care to have them at the wedding. I would go ahead and invite them and just hope they wouldn't show up, but these are the type of people that would show up just to spite my FMIL.

I know this is horrible, but I think I'm going to have to just not send the invitations. I can't risk a lifetime of my FMIL hating me to invite people that my FI doesn't even care about. I hate this and do not take the etiquette thing lightly, but it's something I guess I will just have to deal with.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

You've definitely considered all aspects of your situation, and my heart goes out to you. Good luck with the rest of your planning!

NYCBruin · August 2013

I don't really have anything to add. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!

Sounds like your head is in the right place!

cedixon0 · August 2013

Thanks, ladies! I appreciate the support. It is stressful and just one more thing to deal with with less than 3 months out! I'm so ready for this wedding to get here.

kmmssg · August 2013

I'm pretty hardcore about STD's = invitation, but if I were in your shoes, I'd be making the same decision given the information you have shared. Good luck.

allispain · August 2013

Based on what you've shared, I think you made the best decision that you could in a tough situation. Good luck with the rest of your planning - I hope it runs a lot smoother than this!

Jen4948 · August 2013

Well, under the circumstances I can understand and support your decision. Best wishes!

JBee85 · August 2013

"Disinvite?" The grammatically correct word is "uninviting."

Once the STDs are sent out, there's not much you can do. It would be rude to retract a wedding invitation. Perhaps they can't make it.

cedixon0 · August 2013

JBee85 - just so people don't think I'm an idiot, I put the word in quotations because that was the word she used - as silly as it is.

But thanks for your input!

OjitosVerdes · August 2013

JBee85 said:

"Disinvite?" The grammatically correct word is "uninviting."

Once the STDs are sent out, there's not much you can do. It would be rude to retract a wedding invitation. Perhaps they can't make it.

Well if you're going to be all technical about it, the grammatically correct word would actually be "uninvite", considering the syntax of the OP's title. Geeez. Cut the girl some slack.

OP - I agree with the posters above that sometimes life is bigger than etiquette and that your future relationship with your FMIL could be at stake over this. You should probably let your FI handle this one, but because it was FMIL who insisted that the STDs go to her sisters in the first place, she is also the one who needs to retract the implied invitation. She needs to pick up the phone and deal with it. I also agree that weddings can sometimes mend rifts, but based on the dynamics you've described, that needs to happen beforehand - not when everyone shows up at the chapel together. Normally I'm also a hardcore STD = invite, but your case isn't exactly a "normal" situation either. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

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AshleyP42 · August 2013

I would definitely see how your FI feels about this, which could make a difference if he feels strongly one way or another. However, if it were me, I would still send the invite. It's not fair for your FMIL to insist that you send an STD and then insist you retract the invite.

I was in a similar but different situation. After my dad died, his his sister and brother basically went to war with each other. I am not even remotely close with either of them and they are already saying "he/she better not try to talk to me or there's going to be a problem!" So I told them, "Look, it means a lot to me to have you both there. I will make sure you are seated on opposite sides of the reception from each other to make the chances of meeting slimmer. However, because this is a very important day for me, I need to ask that you be willing to be civil to each other IF the other talks to you. I really would love for you to be there but if you can't put your issues aside for just one day, for me on my wedding day, then I need to ask you not to come." Honestly, if fighting with each other means more to them than supporting you at your wedding, then a retracted invite might be deserved...but maybe give them a chance to agree to a one-day "truce." I'm not saying this is the "right" answer- just what I would suggest

elizabethriley · August 2013

JBee85 said:

"Disinvite?" The grammatically correct word is "uninviting."

Once the STDs are sent out, there's not much you can do. It would be rude to retract a wedding invitation. Perhaps they can't make it.

Nope, disinvite is correct. Uninvite is not a word (despite being used more and more frequently, much like "irregardless"), although uninviting is a word, but can only be used in it's adjectival form or in its adverbial form (uninvitingly). It does not have a form as a verb.

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