A convicted sex offender, who happens to be family. Am I obligated to invite him?

wbarwise · August 2013

I am torn. My cousin is a lot older than me and so we aren't close at all, but he is also a convicted sex offender and drug dealer. I do not want him anywhere near my wedding nor does my fiancee. Easy enough? Well no, his mother, my Aunt is the only surviving sibling on my Dads side. My dad and other Aunt passed away 9 years ago. I feel an obligation to them to keep in touch with my Aunt. I want to invite her to the wedding, but not her son who lives with her at the age of 53. How do I word the invite so it is clear it is she and not the rest (there is another cousin that lives there that I don't want present) that are invited. I don't want to hurt her feelings, however my comfort level and fiancees comfort level PLUS the rest of the guest lists must be given serious thought. Any ideas on how to navigate this carefully?

LiLe422 · August 2013

You absolutely do not have to invite the cousins.

Address your aunts invitation to her only (and her SO, of course) if she has one.

mrsbizzz · August 2013

I personally think there are a certain number of circumstances in which you can buck etiquette and this is one of them. I think it is appropriate and necessary to invite you aunt, but if both you and your FI are uncomfortabe inviting you cousin, don't invite him. I would just address the invitation to her and if she responds for three or let's you know she is upset about them not being invited, give her a call and calmly explain your reasoning.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

God Lord, no! You don't need to invite this cousins and I don't think you should. Invite your Aunt and that is it.

LiLe422 · August 2013

drmrs2014 said:

I personally think there are a certain number of circumstances in which you can buck etiquette and this is one of them. I think it is appropriate and necessary to invite you aunt, but if both you and your FI are uncomfortabe inviting you cousin, don't invite him. I would just address the invitation to her and if she responds for three or let's you know she is upset about them not being invited, give her a call and calmly explain your reasoning.

How exactly would she be "bucking" etiquette? OP is under no obligation to invite the cousins.

s-aries8990 · August 2013

You are not required by etiquette to invite this person. Address the invitation to Aunt and Aunt's SO. Call up your aunt and ask her if she has a SO and what his/her name is. If you leave it as Aunt and Guest, she may bring your cousin along.

Not inviting him may stir up some family drama, but I think this is a case where the hurt feelings of your Aunt and Cousin are "worth it" so-to-speak.

[Deleted User] · August 2013

You aren't required to invite them, you only address it to her. Can she drive herself or do the cousins normally drive her around? If they drive her everywhere talk to your parents if they or another family member would be able to pick her & take her home so she can attend the events without the other people in her house? You need to have a plan in place so your dad (or you) can say 'Aunt Jane, Bobby will be picking you up and taking you home later" so she can't pull the "If Johnny can't come, I can't come" guilt trip on you.

arrippa · August 2013

This is an easy one. There is no etiquette breach here. Just send an invite to your aunt and her so only. You are not obligated to invite your cousin to your wedding.

NYCBruin · August 2013

LiLe422 said:

drmrs2014 said:

I personally think there are a certain number of circumstances in which you can buck etiquette and this is one of them. I think it is appropriate and necessary to invite you aunt, but if both you and your FI are uncomfortabe inviting you cousin, don't invite him. I would just address the invitation to her and if she responds for three or let's you know she is upset about them not being invited, give her a call and calmly explain your reasoning.

How exactly would she be "bucking" etiquette? OP is under no obligation to invite the cousins.

Seconded. Sharing DNA does not entitle someone to receive a wedding invitation.

OP-no etiquette breach with not inviting the cousin. Just address the invitation to the Aunt (and her SO if she has one).

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

You're on the right side of etiquette not to invite this person.

When you word the invitation, you can address it to your aunt only (and SO if she has one). I had a kid-free wedding and worded my RSVPs like this so I'd know if anyone tried to add people who weren't on the invite:

We look forward to celebrating with you!

Name(s) _____________________

___ # attending the ceremony

___ # attending the reception

If they RSVP'd for more people than were on the invite, I clarified.

Jen4948 · August 2013

Your aunt and her adult children do not constitute a social unit that have to be invited together. Even if they did, I think sex offenders are a very reasonable exception to the "social units invited together" rule.

grumbledore · August 2013

wbarwise said: I am torn. My cousin is a lot older than me and so we aren't close at all, but he is also a convicted sex offender and drug dealer. I do not want him anywhere near my wedding nor does my fiancee. Easy enough? Well no, his mother, my Aunt is the only surviving sibling on my Dads side. My dad and other Aunt passed away 9 years ago. I feel an obligation to them to keep in touch with my Aunt. I want to invite her to the wedding, but not her son who lives with her at the age of 53. How do I word the invite so it is clear it is she and not the rest (there is another cousin that lives there that I don't want present) that are invited. I don't want to hurt her feelings, however my comfort level and fiancees comfort level PLUS the rest of the guest lists must be given serious thought. Any ideas on how to navigate this carefully?
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IMO, you are not obligated to invite anyone to your wedding. Don't invite anyone who will make you uncomfortable. Make sure the invitations are by name and very clear.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

Absolutely not. And don't feel bad about it for one second.

Bubbles2014 · August 2013

You don't have to invite cousins, and the fact that he lives with her doesn't change that (I figured you included that info for a reason). Address the invite to Aunt Mildred and a named SO (don't put and guest because then she could bring her son) and if she RSVPs for her son call and tell her you couldn't accommodate everyone so the invite is just for her.

Rebl90 · August 2013

I am in the exact same boat and I am NOT inviting the cousin even though I am inviting every other family member. Do not feel like you are breaking any etiquette rules, I am completely at peace with my decision and I hope you can come to a decision that leaves you the happy. So sorry you are dealing with this!

Ajuliana · August 2013

You don't have to invite creeper, but if you do just make sure you have a child free event.

A convicted sex offender, who happens to be family. Am I obligated to invite him?

Re: A convicted sex offender, who happens to be family. Am I obligated to invite him?

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