Childish... I know... I have told myself to just grow up, but...

psychbabe314 · August 2013

The other day I opened up an email from a girl I use to know. An ex-friend, if you would. We have known each other since 8th grade, but had a falling out in high school and again a year and a half ago after living together as roommates. Worst mistake ever, and it did not end well. Well, after this all happened I decided that I was much happier without her in my life. So I have ignored her occasional comments on my FB when she talks about, just like the good old times, or when she comments on a photo. But, the message was about how she misses me, her admitting what a terrible person she had been while we were living together, and how she wants to get together and hang out soon.

I have not answered it yet.

I spoke with my mom and she said I need to be the bigger person and forgive her. We had been friends for a long time, why would I want to give up that friendship so easily? Well, the more I think back to the way she treated me, she never was a good friend. Why would I want to go back into that?

I don't know... I feel so childish, but I just want to ignore the message. But, my mom and BF have both said that I should go talk to her at least. At what point do you call it quits? I know that I would never trust her again, I will never share things with her like we use to. I do not trust a word she says.

Do I meet up with her? Or not? Send back a message? Or just ignore it?

CarolinaPeach13 · August 2013

I would go talk to her, but that's just me personally. I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to be friends anymore, but it couldn't hurt to be the bigger person in this situation and at least be civil/on speaking terms! If anything, it'll give you some closure on the friendship. I have a few similar friends who I often wonder if I'm better off without...

kmmssg · August 2013

I would go talk to her and I would forgive her. That does NOT mean you have to get back into the friendship but it might just offer some closure and you wouldn't be hanging on to any bad feelings about her.

bethsmiles · August 2013

Unless you want to repair the friendship I don't think you should meet up with her. If you go she's going to expect to be friends again and clearly you don't want that. I don't see the get together going well if you both go into it with completely different expectations.

You can forgive her and be friendly if you run into her at the grocery store or something but I don't think a meeting is necessary.

NYCMercedes · August 2013

Thank her for the apology in your reply to her email. That's necessary and enough if you don't want to continue the relationship.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

I wouldn't send a message back. IMO, she lost the right to that "courtesy" when she treated you like crap. If you run into her at the grocery store, all you're obligated to do is be civil. She's lost the right to friendly.

psychbabe314 · August 2013

Lol, I expected some variation in replies. It is hard because I have been avoiding her parents when I go visit my own. They only live a block and a half away from each other. Her parents were always so good to me but I feel as if it would be awkward to have a conversation with them. So part of me does feel obligated to see her and "discuss things" like she asked me to do :-(

bethsmiles · August 2013

I just think its unfair to her to go discuss things. It gives the impression that the friendship and be fixed and you want to try to have a relationship - but you don't. You really wouldn't be getting together with her for the right reasons.

I think the best option is to send her polite e-mail thanking her for the apology and leave it at that.

psychbabe314 · August 2013

@bethsmiles, this does sound like my best option... an others seem to agree with you. I will think on it today while I am at work and figure out what is the best option. You are right though, if I meet up with her, that suggests our friendship can be fixed, and that is not what I want.

LQ82 · August 2013

I'm completely in the same boat right now. I have a friend since second grade, that I thought would be a friend forever. We went on vacation together, had a falling out, and didn't speak for at least a year. She then sent me an apology. I can honestly say I'm not mad at her anymore, but the trust required for a friendship is not there, and frankly, my life has been just fine without the drama that she caused. I think it would be nice for you to at least reply to her in some way to acknowledge the apology. If you decide to meet up, there is no harm in being very honest about how you are feeling and where you stand in the relationship. I don't think communicating with her is a promise to amend a relationship in any way, but I do think it is inappropriate to completely ignore the message.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

See, I wouldn't even thank her for the apology because it reopens the door to more contact whether you want it or not. If you're fine with the friendship being done, there's no need for more contact.

psychbabe314 · August 2013

Part of this is a vent, to vent out me being angry before I consider writing her an email. Sorry about the length.

Now I am not saying that I am NOT at fault for things, I'm sure I did things that pissed her off too. But, our first falling out was over a school trip. We went to a different country for a few weeks and during that time there were a two freshmen that the teacher had put in our room. Our fourth maybe fifth day in, one of the girls was in the room crying and upset because she was homesick. My ex-friend walked up to her and told her to basically grow a pair and suck it up and walked away. I have several younger siblings, so I felt bad and went up and we talked about it and I offered to let her use my phone to send an email to her parents. We argued several times over the trip about how she was treating them. They were FRESHMEN! Young girls, while she and I were older. That trip really opened my eyes to her.

We made up. Second falling out was when I was having some elective surgery, in highschool. I had a few friends that I trusted and talked with about it so that I could get my homework since I was going to be out of school for 1-2 weeks. Next thing I know, the entire school knew about it and the person they heard it from? My ex-friend. I was furious and I asked her about it in the hallway. We fought, I told her that she had taken private information that I had trusted her with and told people. She told me that I was overreacting. We did not talk for a few months after that.

We made up, but the make up was basically "I'm so sorry, I was a bitch, blah,blah,blah, how about you drive us to lunch and we can talk?" I agreed, but could not help but feel used because she did not have her license yet. So she wanted to make up to me? But had to ask for a ride in the same breath? I still do not trust her since high school.

Then we lived together after she badgered me into it. We were talking, on good terms, I figured that I knew what she could do well enough that I could go ahead and live with her and was actually excited. Until it went downhill. She had this boyfriend and I got mad because he was over EVERY OTHER NIGHT. She accused me of being jealous. I was cooking in the kitchen one night and she drags her boyfriend into the small kitchen we had, shoves him up against the fridge and starts to make out with him. She turned, looked at me and said, "are you jealous yet?" and then continued to make out with him. No... I was not jealous that she, a 19/20 year old was dating a guy in his early 30's. I was mad when she left him at the apartment by himself. I woke up, took a shower, walked back to my room in a towel, looked across the hall to his open door and saw him sitting up in bed, staring at me. I was furious!

Several other incidents later and I was at work crying on a girlfriend's shoulder because I was so upset and frustrated and I hated her. I texted her and told her I was going to move out. Partially because I felt that if her boyfriend was there all the time then he should pitch in for utilities, and because I hated being around her, I hated the "i'm not happy, no one is" attitude. She apologized and I finished out my lease. We hardly saw each other and then we did not talk after that.

I don't know... seeing about 2/3 rd's of the incidents down in writing actually makes me angrier and I don't think I want to write her back now, lol.

IDK... how much is too much? Again, sorry it was too long. This is more of a vent for me :-( like I said before, I am sure I did things that pissed her off too, so I am not saying that I am not at fault.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

It would be enough for me. I'm probably a vindictive person and I'm slower to forgive than maybe I should be, but I would have had it after your surgery in high school. IMO, you're well within your rights to not write her back.

JellyBean52513 · August 2013

When I was faced with a similar situation not too long ago, I responded to her Facebook message by saying "Thank you for taking time to reach out and apologize, but I'm really not interested in having a relationship with you anymore. I've changed, moved on, I have a lot of priorities in my life and this isn't going to be one of them. I don't mean to cause any hard feelings, I'm just being honest with you by letting you know that I'm not interested in having you in my life anymore." After that I blocked her so she couldn't message me anymore. It may seem harsh, but if you're absolutely sure (as I was) that this person is not a good element to add to the equation of your life, then you do what you have to do to avoid further confrontations with her.

psychbabe314 · August 2013

JellyBean52513 said:

When I was faced with a similar situation not too long ago, I responded to her Facebook message by saying "Thank you for taking time to reach out and apologize, but I'm really not interested in having a relationship with you anymore. I've changed, moved on, I have a lot of priorities in my life and this isn't going to be one of them. I don't mean to cause any hard feelings, I'm just being honest with you by letting you know that I'm not interested in having you in my life anymore." After that I blocked her so she couldn't message me anymore. It may seem harsh, but if you're absolutely sure (as I was) that this person is not a good element to add to the equation of your life, then you do what you have to do to avoid further confrontations with her.

Sounds like a break up message, lol! But, a pretty good message. I guess I just need to grow a spine and respond back to her :-P

loves2shop4shoes · August 2013

I absolutely think you should write back, thank her for her apology, and apologize for your own role in the situation. It takes two to tango, after all.

Then leave it at that. Just because she wants to resume the friendship doesn't mean you want to/need to/should. I've had a few situations in the past where there was a falling out, the matter was resolved afterwards, and I have chosen not to pursue the friendship beyond that.

Sometimes it's ok to outgrow people/relationships.

Emmy1493 · August 2013

Yikes, I can see how that could be upsetting! IMO, I would forgive her, but that does not mean you have to forget. You can be a bigger person with out letting her back into your life. If you feel this friendship isn't worth all of the stress, I wouldn't be rushing back into that either! lol

psychbabe314 · August 2013

Thanks, I did end up replying. I Thanked her for the apology and apologized for the things I had done that year also. She asked me out to coffee in a reply and I turned her down.

Childish... I know... I have told myself to just grow up, but...

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