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rboyd34 · August 2013

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Jen4948 · August 2013

Unfortunately, you cannot throw yourself a shower.

You can send out announcements, but I would not register for gifts since you are eloping and not having any kind of celebration afterwards. `

MayDay513 · August 2013

rboyd34 said:

My fiance and I have been together for 8+ years and last year with help from his father, we bought a house (I'm 31 and he's 37).

We finally set a date, but for money reasons (and to avoid some controversial issues on both sides of our families), we have decided to elope in Las Vegas. Our initial idea was to not invite anyone (except "bridal party" - 8 people) and have a small reception when we got home for our families and friends. We quickly realized that unless we get a windfall of money in the next 6 months, we can't really afford it. We would have to pay for it ourselves, and we refuse to go into debt to throw a party.

I have so many questions on etiquette for this. Can I still have a bridal shower? Do we just send out announcements when we get home? Should we expect hurt feelings and no gifts? Should we register for gifts or is that totally rude? Needless to say everyone has been waiting for us to get married for a long time, but life's other priorities kept us from doing so. It feels unfair that we have to sacrifice doing what we want and being able to celebrate with our loved ones, but I realize this may just be something we have to get over.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

No you don't get a bridal shower, unless it's just the 8 people you invite to the wedding. People invited to the shower have to be invited to the wedding. Yes, you can send announcements, but they are not required. Yes, some people may be upset to have missed it, and no don't expect gifts. Well you shouldn't expect gifts ever. I'd skip registering.

Elope - Be happy. I wouldn't go into debt over a party/wedding/reception either.

HisGirlFriday13 · August 2013

The first rule of etiquette is that only people who have been invited to the wedding can be invited to pre-wedding parties -- such as bridal showers. No wedding = no guests = no shower. Sorry.

Also, it's not eloping if you're taking people with you -- then it becomes a (very small) DW.

You do not register for gifts; people buy those for showers and you're not having showers.

I suggest going to the local JP, getting married quietly, then having a party with your friends/family at your new home. Use the money you otherwise would have used for the Las Vegas shindig to fund this. If all you can afford is pizza and beer, then that's all you can afford.

You could also go to the JP, get married, and having your immediate families/close friends come witness it and then you take them out for lunch afterwards.

Your wedding day is the day you get married -- not the day you wear your prettiest dress or have the biggest party or get the most gifts.

Good luck!

Jen4948 · August 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

The first rule of etiquette is that only people who have been invited to the wedding can be invited to pre-wedding parties -- such as bridal showers. No wedding = no guests = no shower. Sorry.

Also, it's not eloping if you're taking people with you -- then it becomes a (very small) DW.

You do not register for gifts; people buy those for showers and you're not having showers.

I suggest going to the local JP, getting married quietly, then having a party with your friends/family at your new home. Use the money you otherwise would have used for the Las Vegas shindig to fund this. If all you can afford is pizza and beer, then that's all you can afford.

You could also go to the JP, get married, and having your immediate families/close friends come witness it and then you take them out for lunch afterwards.

Your wedding day is the day you get married -- not the day you wear your prettiest dress or have the biggest party or get the most gifts.

Good luck!

Except for the bolded, I agree with all of this.

Registries are not for showers alone. A couple can register and have no showers at all because no one chooses to hold one for the bride or groom (they can't host showers for themselves).

Maggie0829 · August 2013

If what you really want is a big party and to celebrate with all of your family and friends then what you need to do is put the wedding off for a year or two to save up and to be able to afford the affair that you want.

If you do go ahead and elope with your 8 friends then you are going to have to forgo a bridal shower. You may also have to forgo a bach party unless the few friends going to your wedding take you out for the night. Do not register for gifts because since you will not be having a shower then there really is no reason to register.

In life we have to make decisions and with those decisions come sacrifices. So you have to decide what is most important to you 1) get married now in Vegas with very limited family and friends or 2) save for a year or two and get married with all your family and friends in attendance.

Finally, since 8 people will be attending your ceremony in Vegas you should still provide them with a reception of sorts. Host a dinner for them or even host a cake and punch thing back in your hotel room. But you should host something.

LDubHawksFan · August 2013

rboyd34 said:
My fiance and I have been together for 8+ years and last year with help from his father, we bought a house (I'm 31 and he's 37).

We finally set a date, but for money reasons (and to avoid some controversial issues on both sides of our families), we have decided to elope in Las Vegas. Our initial idea was to not invite anyone (except "bridal party" - 8 people) and have a small reception when we got home for our families and friends. We quickly realized that unless we get a windfall of money in the next 6 months, we can't really afford it. We would have to pay for it ourselves, and we refuse to go into debt to throw a party.

I have so many questions on etiquette for this. Can I still have a bridal shower? Do we just send out announcements when we get home? Should we expect hurt feelings and no gifts? Should we register for gifts or is that totally rude? Needless to say everyone has been waiting for us to get married for a long time, but life's other priorities kept us from doing so. It feels unfair that we have to sacrifice doing what we want and being able to celebrate with our loved ones, but I realize this may just be something we have to get over.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Congrats! Enjoy your wedding in Vegas! If you don't have an at home reception, you can't have any showers or pre-wedding events like engagement parties or showers (only wedding guests can be invited, and you can't throw your own anyway) and anything but a small registry is not necessary. You could send announcements upon returning from Vegas. Your at home party could be a small affair though. You could have a housewarming/marriage celebration soon after you get back. It doesn't have to break the bank as long as you host your guests properly.

Eta: finishing my thoughts since I accidentally pushed save too quickly.

rboyd34 · August 2013

After some thought, I realize there is a lot more background and such than I'd prefer to go into on a message board.

I appreciate all of your input.

Thank you.

Ajuliana · August 2013

I hope you're not implying there are special circumstances that allow you to make exceptions to etiquette. ..I wish you luck and happiness with your FI.

DixieDarling0154 · August 2013

My H and I eloped and I don't regret it one bit. We did let close family members (ie parents, siblings, grands) know before hand because we didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. We didn't register or ask for any gifts but some family members did send us cards and a little money after the fact.

Blue_Bird · August 2013

Congratulation on your engagement!

While you're not really eloping (you're having a destination wedding), you can still have a shower if someone offers to throw one for you. However, the only guests at that shower would be among the eight invited to the wedding. I wouldn't bother registering for gifts, unless they're a few household items that you feel would really make your new house a home. As for a reception, you really do have to have one. By that I don't mean that you have to have a party when you get home, but you need to have a meal for the eight people who witnessed your ceremony in Vegas afterward. You very well may some hurt feelings, but that's true of almost any decision adults make in life, Someone is going to disagree. I certainly wouldn't worry about whether you're going to get gifts. That isn't why you're marrying, right? ;-) You shouldn't expect gifts from anyone, even if you invited everyone you know, and threw a big party and a four-course meal. The point is marrying the person you love. Gifts and parties are a bonus.

Good luck and congratulations.

SKPM · August 2013

rboyd34 said:

My fiance and I have been together for 8+ years and last year with help from his father, we bought a house (I'm 31 and he's 37).

We finally set a date, but for money reasons (and to avoid some controversial issues on both sides of our families), we have decided to elope in Las Vegas. Our initial idea was to not invite anyone (except "bridal party" - 8 people) and have a small reception when we got home for our families and friends. We quickly realized that unless we get a windfall of money in the next 6 months, we can't really afford it. We would have to pay for it ourselves, and we refuse to go into debt to throw a party.

I have so many questions on etiquette for this. Can I still have a bridal shower? Do we just send out announcements when we get home? Should we expect hurt feelings and no gifts? Should we register for gifts or is that totally rude? Needless to say everyone has been waiting for us to get married for a long time, but life's other priorities kept us from doing so. It feels unfair that we have to sacrifice doing what we want and being able to celebrate with our loved ones, but I realize this may just be something we have to get over.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Unfortunately, the way that you get to "do what [you] want and be able to celebrate with [your] loved ones" is by paying for it yourselves. PPs have given lots of good suggestions. I would recommend truly eloping (without guests) if you want to get married in Vegas without hosting anyone immediately afterward, or hosting a small (or whatever you are willing to spend) reception following a JOP wedding at home. You could have a JOP marry you in a park or somewhere sentimental; it doesn't have to occur in a courthouse.

[Edited for spelling]

SKPM · August 2013

Really, OP? You deleted your post? You were quoted so everyone can still see exactly what you wrote. You also posted on an etiquette forum, stating you were unsure of the etiquette issues at hand, and then you were given information on the correct etiquette as well as several constructive alternatives. Also, changing the subject line to "...." only draws more people to view your post.

Viczaesar · August 2013

Super rude, OP.

crunchymamaof2 · August 2013

I really don't understand how more background info would change anything.

arrippa · August 2013

Deleting your title and post is an instant "read me", especially after you were quoted. There is such good advice in this thread, please think about using it.

MayDay513 · August 2013

rboyd34 said:

....

By the way an ellipsis is three dots not four...

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

For any lurkers - if you are in the same position as OP, here are some useful tidbits:

- Eloping is when it's just the two of you. It's a DW when you invite people.

- It's rude to throw yourself a shower (seen as asking for gifts) - if someone offers and you accept you have one. If no one offers or you decline others' offers to host, you forgo the shower.

- Only people who are invited to the wedding should be invited to pre-wedding parties

- If you invite people to witness your wedding, you need to thank ("receive") them by hosting a reception.

- A reception means a meal if it's meal time or simple refreshments if it's not. It can be just cake and something to drink. Depending on the size of your guest list, a wedding reception could cost as little as $15.

OP - use the money you were going to spend to go to Las Vegas to go to JOP and host lunch/cake & punch in your backyard afterwards. You'd definitely have a surplus and with the extra money, you and your FH could maybe even afford a photographer to snap a few pictures.

AddieCake · August 2013

I was naturally drawn in by the .... title. I am sad it turned out to be completely uneventful and a yawn of a DD and title change.

KDM323 · August 2013

Seriously another delete?

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