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Guest list complications

Bookie7Bookie7 member
10 Comments First Anniversary
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

My fiance and I are planning a fairly large wedding (250 people max).  We have had a lot of complications with the guest list due to our family wanting to invite up to 5th cousins (people we don't even know) to the wedding.  Last month, we finally finalized the guest list!  We're getting married October 5th, and our invites have been sent out.  The RSVP and invite envelopes are very specific as to who is invited to avoid any confusion.

We actually received a good chunk of our RSVPs back!  Some of the guests replied that more individuals will be coming than listed on their rsvp and/or invitation envelope.  Our venue only holds 250, so I'm getting a little nervous that guests are rsvp'ing more people than originally invited.  What should I do?  Should I have expected guests to rsvp more individuals coming than shown on the invite?

I have not received all rsvp's back yet, or even half, but I'm a little nervous at how many have done this.  Am I freaking out over nothing?

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Re: Guest list complications

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If a guest RSVPs back with people that were not invited you call up said guest and nicely tell them that you are sorry but you just cannot accommodate little Suzie and her brother Tommy but that you are looking forward to seeing Ben and Karen at your wedding.

    It is rude of people to just add additional guests to an invite.  Yes, this is something you need to deal with as soon as you get the RSVPs in.

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  • OjitosVerdesOjitosVerdes member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Maggie0829 said:
    If a guest RSVPs back with people that were not invited you call up said guest and nicely tell them that you are sorry but you just cannot accommodate little Suzie and her brother Tommy but that you are looking forward to seeing Ben and Karen at your wedding.

    It is rude of people to just add additional guests to an invite.  Yes, this is something you need to deal with as soon as you get the RSVPs in.
    Ditto this. 

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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    You need to contact them and explain that you cannot accommodate extra people. Period. If they added them to the RSVP, they plan on bringing them so unless you address the misunderstanding, you should expect Suzie and Tommy and have a seat/meal for them.
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    You are absolutely not freaking out over nothing. Invitations, as I said elsewhere today, are non-transferable. If you invite Cousin Marge and Cousin Homer and they RSVP for the two of them plus Bart, Lisa and Maggie, you're absolutely within your rights to call them up and say to them, "Oh, I'm so sorry for the confusion. The invitation was addressed to you and Marge because you're the two who are invited. We cannot accommodate Bart, Maggie, and Lisa, I'm so sorry, but I'm sure you understand."

    You do it as soon as you get the RSVP card with additional guests, and you do it for all of them -- it's not fair to let some people write in their kids and not others.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • courtski2004courtski2004 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    I agree, you need to contact them immediately. I will forever be an advocate of listing on the RSVP card how many seats have been reserved for them.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    You need to let anyone who RSVPs for more people than were invited on their invitation know ASAP that you cannot accommodate anyone who is not listed on their invitation.  If they indicate an unwillingness to attend without them, don't give in-just tell them that you're sorry to hear that and you'll miss them.  But don't wait until you get back all RSVPs.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited August 2013
    Marshmallow22 said:
    wtf is wrong with people?? How do people just "add" extra people to their RSVP?? I can't believe people actually do this.

    Stressing about this as my invites get mailed out tomorrow...
    It happens because many people are not familiar with the rule that only those listed on the envelope are invited, and/or because they assume that their children or houseguests are automatically invited, and/or that they are automatically invited with a date if they are single.

    And unfortunately sometimes people do it to send a passive-aggressive message.
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  • kgd7357kgd7357 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I agree with the previous posts. I’m also terrified of this happening for my wedding next summer. This is happening to my cousin for her September wedding, and they are just letting all the write-ins come (about 50 people, including random friends and children). I think that is nuts!

    If you have some guest-list flexibility and you choose to considering letting some of these unexpected additions come along, I would emphasize being consistent with how you’re handling each reply.

    If children are the write-ins and they are not invited, simple let the couples know that children will not be at the event (or only children of close family).

    If new SOs are being added, you need to decide if you want to include them or not. While I’ve never just added a plus one to a reply card, the first year my FI were together, we did call our friends (after we got the save the dates, not invites) and mentioned we would prefer to come together. One couple said no due to room limits, and as a result my FI didn’t go since we wouldn’t have seen each other for 3 weeks if he went. He totally understood and sent a small gift. Several couples had no problem with it. And one couple said okay, but asked for an exact name for the invite, making it clear that a random plus one was not invited. I liked this last approach. We would like to include SOs that we may not know about if they are special to our friends, so we’ve built in space for these add-ons (budgeted for 200, we are inviting 180), but we will be requiring exact names, preferably prior to sending out the invites. If any add-ons come as a surprise on a reply card, we will be calling the person to confirm this is a new SO and making sure we have the exact name.

    While that is how we are handling it, it is totally your right to prohibit add-ons, let people know early and make no exceptions.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    zobird said:
    It happened to me, too. When it wasn't a surprise or new SO, I just called them to let them know who the invite was intended for and that I hoped that they could still come. One person said they wouldn't attend unless she could bring the person she wrote in and I told her we'd miss her. She's still coming anyway. 

    You are not wrong. Unless people are writing in their SOs, of course, who should have been invited. But children/parents/siblings/friends/wetnurses/mailmen certainly do not need to be accommodated and you are completely within your rights to push back.
    LOL! Haven't seen much of you lately, zo. Glad you're back!
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  • Anastasia517Anastasia517 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    First of all, you realize that 5th cousins are people you share great-great-great-great-grandparents with, right?  As in, the last time you had a common ancestor was probably close to 200 years ago.  Either that's an exaggeration, or your family is insane!

    Also, if guests add extra people to their RSVP you call them up and say you're sorry, but the invitation was only for *insert names* and you hope they can still come.  The exception is if somebody added their boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé(e), husband, or wife, because they should have been invited in the first place.
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  • TifaLove11TifaLove11 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    I have 2 dilemmas something similar to this (which is starting to freak me out)
     Both my fiance and I both have big families. His is super close mine is not. (barely even know my cousins names if even the uncle or aunts) sad but true. We wanted just to have 100 people max.
    First dilemma is When talking to my mom about who Id have to invite from the family (since they all talk) she said no one I don't since i dont see them anyhow but now shes changing her mind and seems the guest list is growing a bit more. How can I tell my mom no?

    Second dilemma is my aunt with her child lives with my nina grandma. Me and my aunt never really got along. She a two face an always gives me dirty looks and tries to cause drama to make her daughter look better (I always kept my mouth shut for sake of my grammy but my mom knows it all) And she recently started drama that I can not forgive because it made my grandma cry and think that I hated her. The situation is that my grandma might not go if I dont invite my aunt OR my aunt and cousin will just assume and come along with her if I send an invite. I DO NOT want my aunt there to ruin my big day but I want my grandma there. HELP!!  =(

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