No where near Supportive Mom?

candyqueen137 · July 2013

How do you handle a mom who is no where near supportive of the wedding. She has found every opportunity she could to start a fight with me, about NOTHING. She is now trying to drag others to her side by making up lies about me. So much for this being an exciting time for a mother and daughter to share.

NerdyLucy · July 2013

Do you two usually have problems or is this something that has popped up with wedding planning?

candyqueen137 · July 2013

The wedding planning has made me realize that we never really had a relationship with her. And when I got engaged I was so excited for us to build a relationship while we planned this day. Some people just have a different idea of mothering styles.

NYCMercedes · July 2013

candyqueen137 said:

How do you handle a mom who is no where near supportive of the wedding. She has found every opportunity she could to start a fight with me, about NOTHING. She is now trying to drag others to her side by making up lies about me. So much for this being an exciting time for a mother and daughter to share.

Seems as though there might be something else going on. Has your relationship always been rocky?

candyqueen137 · July 2013

I am more of an emotional person and she has always been.. not emotional at all. So I take the thing that people say to heart and Thats just how I am. But it has gotten to a point where I can only take so much disrespecting and rude comments and her talking about th FI's family, that I dont want her to be part of this at all. I almost dont even care if this ruins our relationship from now on.

KeptInStitches · July 2013

I'd keep her as out of the loop as possible. Don't talk to her about the wedding. Keep her on a need-to-know basis. If she doesn't know what you're planning, she can't pick a fight about it.

Hugs to you, @candyqueen137. This sucks. Are you close to your FMIL? Any sisters you could plan with? Come here and talk wedding with us - we love weddings!

candyqueen137 · July 2013

I am close with my FMIL and his sister. So its nice to be able to chat with them. And my FI is very understanding of the situation so he is very helpful with the planning. We are going to look at venues tomorrow! YAY!

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

candyqueen137 said:

How do you handle a mom who is no where near supportive of the wedding. She has found every opportunity she could to start a fight with me, about NOTHING. She is now trying to drag others to her side by making up lies about me. So much for this being an exciting time for a mother and daughter to share.

I think your expectations need to be adjusted. You are expecting something of your mother that she is unable or unwilling to provide. Stop trying to make fetch happen. Exclude her from your planning unless she is able to play nice. I know it sounds mean, but you don't need the stress and she obviously doesn't want to be included. So, save yourself the trouble and plan without her.

If she calls or wants to help just let her know that you are busy and have it handled. If she shows up for the big day and is a pill then have the coordinator escort her out. Family or not. Mom or not she does not have the right to ruin your planning experience or wedding.

Don't give her the opportunity.

allispain · July 2013

I think many of us who don't have the best relationships with our moms hope that planning a wedding will help mend some of that. Sadly, that doesn't often happen.

I also agree with PPs that the best thing to do might be to keep her out of the loop and not talk wedding with her. However, this is based on the assumption that she is not paying for the wedding - if she is, then yes, you'll have to talk to her about it (I'm assuming she isn't, since I doubt she'd offer to pay for it when she doesn't seem to support it). If your FMIL and FSIL are supportive, then by all means talk to them! And, of course, to us :-)

MairePoppy · July 2013

I agree with PPs. Don't include your mother in the wedding planning. That includes not allowing her to pay for anything. I hope she realizes she is being excluded because of her mean attitude. You should also tell her that you won't put up with negative remarks about your fi and his family.

@PrimRoseMama - You must be getting close to delivery. Just want to wish you good luck.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

It kind of sounds like you want her to be involved in planning and excited about your wedding and she's not. You can't really fault her for that, weddings (even her daughter's) may just not be her thing. However, I would talk to her about the issue of lies/gossip she is spreading about you - that's childish and completely uncalled for if true.

This is obviously not the jumping off point for your relationship that you had hoped for. If you want to build your relationship with her, I'd find something you two have in common (clearly not weddings) and start with that.

PrimRoseMama · August 2013

MairePoppy said:

I agree with PPs. Don't include your mother in the wedding planning. That includes not allowing her to pay for anything. I hope she realizes she is being excluded because of her mean attitude. You should also tell her that you won't put up with negative remarks about your fi and his family.

@PrimRoseMama - You must be getting close to delivery. Just want to wish you good luck.

Thank you. I have a feeling I might have to be induced. I am so done!

Bookie7 · August 2013

I know it sounds disappointing, but I would leave your mom out of the planning process. Sounds like she's causing more stress than helping out. If she specifically asks about something, I would answer but not involve her much other than that.

Maybe you two could go out for a relaxation/ spa day. I don't know a single woman who wouldn't like to be pampered or relieve stress.

Artemischief · August 2013

I was/am in a similar situation. I left my mom out of the loop as some posters suggested. I spoke with my mom yesterday and she asked about my planning. I told her everything I had done(pretty much evrything is done already). I told her how she was making me feel guilty for wanting the kind of wedding I want, even though I am paying for everything(she's not giving me a penny). She says that she was not being unsupportive, I was just being too sensitive and need to get ov things and stop "punishing"(her word) her. It's a tough situation, but I am managing with the help of my fiancé, his family, my friends, and the other side of my family. Your wedding will be beautiful and whether or not your mom gives you support.

Jen4948 · August 2013

As everyone else suggests, don't discuss your wedding with your mother. I will probably have to resort to that myself, because my mother can be the meddling type and she shows little if any respect for my right to make decisions about my own events.

No where near Supportive Mom?

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