What to Say to My Dad's Family...

bohomama87 · August 2013

Now, I've basically already decided that I'm not inviting any of my dad's side of the family, but having seen other posts on this board, I am curious as to the answer for this question.

My dad passed away back in Nov 2010. Since then, I've heard from his mother twice. I've seen my aunt once. My dad has two other siblings, and I haven't even heard from them at all.

Regardless of all of this, my dad's stepfather sexually abused me when I was young (6-8 age range). I didn't tell my mom until I was much older, around 17, and I didn't tell my dad at all. I just didn't want him to lose his father figure, even if that man was scum. So I just stayed away from him when we visited my dad's family, and I kept my sons away too.

So I knew I was not going to invite my dad's stepfather to my wedding. I wanted to invite my grandmother, because on the occasions where she remembers we exist, she seems to care. But I couldn't figure out how to invite her without inviting him, or without telling her that her husband is a child molester, so I just didn't invite them at all.

So, I guess now, I'm just curious about what to say to my grandmother if I talk to her after the wedding.

Simply Fated · August 2013

You get the feeling she doesn't even remember you exist. The fact that you might talk to her is a big IF.
Don't bring up the wedding. If she brings it up, tell her it was a lovely service. If she asks why she wasn't invited, which I suspect is your real concern, just tell her it was a small ceremony with your close friends and leave it at that.

bohomama87 · August 2013

Yes, seeing as I'm living with my FI now, and not my mom, chances are good that I won't be talking to her. She does call my mom on occasion, but I'm pretty sure she hasn't said anything about the wedding. My mom said not to worry about it, because chances are good that since my grandmother barely remembered my dad's birthday, she's not going to remember a wedding.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

You should let your grandmother know and everyone else know in the family you were molested by him. By not telling anyone, you are not protecting other little girls. By not telling you let him know he got away with it so why should he stop.

bohomama87 · August 2013

GypsyBridetobe said:

You should let your grandmother know and everyone else know in the family you were molested by him. By not telling anyone, you are not protecting other little girls. By not telling you let him know he got away with it so why should he stop.

Well, here's the thing. When it's nearly 20 years later, and there's no real proof aside from my huge issues with sex, it becomes a matter of 'he said, she said'. And quite honestly, I don't want to publicly face him and incur legal expenses just for it not to matter in the end.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

If legal expenses are more important to you than possibly preventing a child from getting molested you have your priorities mixed up. Even if there is no proof( which almost all the time there isn't. ) I would believe you and keep my children away. Which is what level headed parents do.

bohomama87 · August 2013

GypsyBridetobe said:

If legal expenses are more important to you than possibly preventing a child from getting molested you have your priorities mixed up. Even if there is no proof( which almost all the time there isn't. ) I would believe you and keep my children away. Which is what level headed parents do.

No, I understand where you're coming from. But other people have told my grandmother that her husband is a creep, and my aunt told the family that she was also molested my him. She and her daughter stay away from him as well. Even without my saying anything, it's fairly common knowledge in my dad's family, although I'm sure my grandmother thinks my aunt made it up for attention.

nsweare · August 2013

GypsyBridetobe said:

If legal expenses are more important to you than possibly preventing a child from getting molested you have your priorities mixed up. Even if there is no proof( which almost all the time there isn't. ) I would believe you and keep my children away. Which is what level headed parents do.

This is really inappropriate. How a victim of sexual abuse chooses to deal with that abuse is their personal decision. Also, the only person responsible if he molests again is the person doing the molesting. Victim blaming doesn't help anyone.

Simply Fated · August 2013

andreahcrawford said:

GypsyBridetobe said:

If legal expenses are more important to you than possibly preventing a child from getting molested you have your priorities mixed up. Even if there is no proof( which almost all the time there isn't. ) I would believe you and keep my children away. Which is what level headed parents do.

No, I understand where you're coming from. But other people have told my grandmother that her husband is a creep, and my aunt told the family that she was also molested my him. She and her daughter stay away from him as well. Even without my saying anything, it's fairly common knowledge in my dad's family, although I'm sure my grandmother thinks my aunt made it up for attention.
You're doing your aunt and everyone else he might have hurt a horrible disservice by not speaking up.
YOU know she didn't make it up for attention. It's almost cruel of you to not speak up.

You don't have to take legal action, but you can help break the cycle and let your aunt know that you believe her.

JellyBean52513 · August 2013

GypsyBridetobe said: You should let your grandmother know and everyone else know in the family you were molested by him. By not telling anyone, you are not protecting other little girls. By not telling you let him know he got away with it so why should he stop.
It's not the OP's job to protect other little girls from being molested, that responsibility lies with the person who would be committing the abuse! By speaking up now and saying something all these years later, there's not a whole lot than can be done legally. Even when victims speak up and take action against their abuser, it doesn't always result in the abuser ceasing to harm other people, and there is often a lot of retaliation that the victim faces for speaking up.

OP, as a domestic/sexual violence counselor, I completely support and understand your decision not to want these people at your wedding. You have no responsibility to communicate anything regarding your experience with anyone if you are not comfortable doing so. I agree with SimplyFated that you could let your aunt know that you believe her, if you're ok with disclosing that to her.

bohomama87 · August 2013

Okay, look. I didn't write this to be hounded about how I handled my molestation. I have my reasons why I handled it the way I did. I literally still have nightmares and sometimes I burst out in tears in the middle of sex with my FI because I have flashbacks. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm careless or heartless, but I personally just can't deal with everything that accusing him will bring.

If I had asked about if I should say anything to the cops or not, then fine, I'd expect these answers.

But my question was how to get around telling my dad's family why they weren't invited if they ask.

bohomama87 · August 2013

Also, I have told my aunt that I believe her, and that he is a creep and I don't like being around him either. I didn't tell her that he also molested me, but I did tell her that I know she didn't make it up.

SP29 · August 2013

I agree with nsweare. How the OP chooses to deal with HER personal situation is HER decision and should not be up for public debate.

As for the family- don't feel bad for not inviting them. Tricky situation wanting to invite grandmother but not step-grandfather, best not to invite either. My FI and I made a sort of "rule" about invites- if we haven't seen or talked to someone in a year, we were not going to include them on our guest list. It would be nice if we had an unlimited budget and could invite everyone we've ever known, but that was not the case. Of course, best laid plans... we ended up inviting some extended family members we initially weren't going to, but it's worked out OK, and those family members have become a bigger part of our lives as of recent.

I agree, that if grandmother asks about the wedding, say it was lovely. If she asks about being invited, say it was a small ceremony with immediate family and friends only.

JellyBean52513 · August 2013

@andreahcrawford I promise nobody here is hounding you about the way you handled your experience except for Gypsy, so please ignore everything she says because it's inappropriate and rude and completely unhelpful.

As for what to say to your dad's family if they ask, I don't think defending your decision not to invite them with the truth about your dad's stepfather is going to go over well, and you don't need what should be a light convo about your wedding turning into a family feud. A simple polite response such as "We just wanted to keep it intimate" will suffice. If they seem hurt over not being a part of your wedding and they push it further, change the subject. "I know, we so hated not being able to invite everyone we wanted to. Have you tried this bean dip? It's delicious!"

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

It doesn't sound like you are careless or heartless. I too was in the same situation and also didn't tell anyone until I was 17. But now having my own children I think its being a good example to others to speak about it and inform people in the family of a certain persons actions. No matter the consequences I would face. If the family all ready knows ,which you never stated before I commented. My comments dont pertain to you then. Stay strong. I understand what you went through. I'm sorry if I hurt you.

Jen4948 · August 2013

I think that while etiquette does actually allow you to set aside the social unit rule in cases of sexual abuse, if others have brought up to your grandmother that her husband has sexually abused others, and she chooses to do nothing about that, I would simply not invite her or discuss the wedding with her no matter how "nice" she otherwise is to you.

I'm so sorry about your being molested. All the best to you.

NYCBruin · August 2013

OP I think everyone has covered how to handle wedding talk: keep it to a minimum/say it was lovely if it comes up.

I just want to say I'm so sorry that this happened to you and how you choose to handle the situation is completely up to you. It is not your responsibility to say anything to anyone if you don't feel comfortable doing so.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

I think your safest bet for your and your emotional health is to not invite them. It doesn't sound like you maintain any sort of relationship and not inviting them together will more than likely cause problems.

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