Complicated Invite wording suggestion.

littleapack · August 2013

I can't decide if I should do a "Together with their parents" wording or what... Here's the situation: my parents are divorced, my dad and stepmom are paying for half and my fiancé and I are paying for the other half. Normally you would do who is hosting; however, my mom isn't paying for any of it but she would be terribly offended and it would add more stress if I put my dad and stepmom's names but not hers. The "together with their parents" indicates that both sets of parents are paying, this is not the case either. I've found wording for nearly every other situation but can't come up with a "correct" wording that isn't offensive to some. :-/ Any suggestions are appreciated!

banana468 · August 2013

Remember, hosting and paying are not the same thing. Along with that, an invitation is designed to indicate the hosts and not to state who is paying.

Since your dad is giving so generously, I think you should ask him if he is OK writing "Together with their parents." He may consent to this or he may want to be named on the invitation as the host. Because your mom is not financing this, the proper place to honor her is in the program.

doeydo · August 2013

You can say "Together with their parents" or "Together with their families", I don't think it is really necessary to name names.

banana468 · August 2013

doeydo said:
You can say "Together with their parents" or "Together with their families", I don't think it is really necessary to name names.

The person paying may disagree.

Jen4948 · August 2013

banana468 said:

You can say "Together with their parents" or "Together with their families", I don't think it is really necessary to name names.
The person paying may disagree.

But the purpose of a wedding invitation is not to map out family trees, regardless of who is paying.

It really amazes me how hurt people get over the wording of wedding invitations, because people make the erroneous assumptions that 1) they are about who is paying and 2) every single parent, stepparent, grandparent (I've seen this on invitations), etc., living or deceased, has to be named going back to Genesis.

The people being "honored" by an invitation are not the hosts or whoever is paying. They're the guests. Everyone else really needs to get over it.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

I'm with banana. You should check with your dad to see how he feels about "together with their families". The other option is to see if your dad is cool with putting the two of you as hosts so no one gets named, but no one gets left out.

Unfortunately, your mom gets no say (and has no reason to be hurt) if she's not listed on the invitation. She's no hosting. Banana is right - the place for her name is in the program.

banana468 · August 2013

Jen4948 said:

banana468 said:

doeydo said:
You can say "Together with their parents" or "Together with their families", I don't think it is really necessary to name names.
The person paying may disagree.

But the purpose of a wedding invitation is not to map out family trees, regardless of who is paying.

It really amazes me how hurt people get over the wording of wedding invitations, because people make the erroneous assumptions that 1) they are about who is paying and 2) every single parent, stepparent, grandparent (I've seen this on invitations), etc., living or deceased, has to be named going back to Genesis.

The people being "honored" by an invitation are not the hosts or whoever is paying. They're the guests. Everyone else really needs to get over it.

It all depends on Dad's roll here. If he just wrote a blank check for the OP to do what she pleases then he's not hosting. However if he is stating how the money be used and he's active in the planning and guests comfort he certainly is hosting and therefore gets named.

Jen4948 · August 2013

banana468 said:

banana468 said:

You can say "Together with their parents" or "Together with their families", I don't think it is really necessary to name names.
The person paying may disagree.

But the purpose of a wedding invitation is not to map out family trees, regardless of who is paying.

It really amazes me how hurt people get over the wording of wedding invitations, because people make the erroneous assumptions that 1) they are about who is paying and 2) every single parent, stepparent, grandparent (I've seen this on invitations), etc., living or deceased, has to be named going back to Genesis.

The people being "honored" by an invitation are not the hosts or whoever is paying. They're the guests. Everyone else really needs to get over it.
It all depends on Dad's roll here. If he just wrote a blank check for the OP to do what she pleases then he's not hosting. However if he is stating how the money be used and he's active in the planning and guests comfort he certainly is hosting and therefore gets named.

I don't know that that obligates the couple to list him any further than "together with their parents/families."

AllieBear725 · August 2013

As one who's parents would have been pissed and more than likely not paid for the wedding at all if they weren't mentioned, I can say that it is def in your best interest to ask your father if he wants to be listed before printing invites. My parents not only paid for the wedding, but also decided how much money would be spent on what. It would have caused all kinds of problems had they not been listed on the invite.

banana468 · August 2013

Jen4948 said:

banana468 said:

Jen4948 said:

banana468 said:

doeydo said:
You can say "Together with their parents" or "Together with their families", I don't think it is really necessary to name names.
The person paying may disagree.

But the purpose of a wedding invitation is not to map out family trees, regardless of who is paying.

It really amazes me how hurt people get over the wording of wedding invitations, because people make the erroneous assumptions that 1) they are about who is paying and 2) every single parent, stepparent, grandparent (I've seen this on invitations), etc., living or deceased, has to be named going back to Genesis.

The people being "honored" by an invitation are not the hosts or whoever is paying. They're the guests. Everyone else really needs to get over it.

It all depends on Dad's roll here. If he just wrote a blank check for the OP to do what she pleases then he's not hosting. However if he is stating how the money be used and he's active in the planning and guests comfort he certainly is hosting and therefore gets named.

I don't know that that obligates the couple to list him any further than "together with their parents/families."

Well now you know. :-)

Jen4948 · August 2013

banana468 said:

banana468 said:

banana468 said:

You can say "Together with their parents" or "Together with their families", I don't think it is really necessary to name names.
The person paying may disagree.

But the purpose of a wedding invitation is not to map out family trees, regardless of who is paying.

It really amazes me how hurt people get over the wording of wedding invitations, because people make the erroneous assumptions that 1) they are about who is paying and 2) every single parent, stepparent, grandparent (I've seen this on invitations), etc., living or deceased, has to be named going back to Genesis.

The people being "honored" by an invitation are not the hosts or whoever is paying. They're the guests. Everyone else really needs to get over it.
It all depends on Dad's roll here. If he just wrote a blank check for the OP to do what she pleases then he's not hosting. However if he is stating how the money be used and he's active in the planning and guests comfort he certainly is hosting and therefore gets named.

I don't know that that obligates the couple to list him any further than "together with their parents/families."
Well now you know. :-)

Sorry, I still don't think so. Being named in "together with their parents/families" is still being named. The fact that it doesn't say "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" ? That shouldn't be anyone's hill to die on, regardless of how much they're paying. The wedding invitation is not a playbill.

NYCBruin · August 2013

Jen4948 said: banana468 said: banana468 said: banana468 said: You can say "Together with their parents" or "Together with their families", I don't think it is really necessary to name names. The person paying may disagree. But the purpose of a wedding invitation is not to map out family trees, regardless of who is paying.

It really amazes me how hurt people get over the wording of wedding invitations, because people make the erroneous assumptions that 1) they are about who is paying and 2) every single parent, stepparent, grandparent (I've seen this on invitations), etc., living or deceased, has to be named going back to Genesis.

The people being "honored" by an invitation are not the hosts or whoever is paying. They're the guests. Everyone else really needs to get over it.
It all depends on Dad's roll here. If he just wrote a blank check for the OP to do what she pleases then he's not hosting. However if he is stating how the money be used and he's active in the planning and guests comfort he certainly is hosting and therefore gets named. I don't know that that obligates the couple to list him any further than "together with their parents/families."
Well now you know. :-) Sorry, I still don't think so. Being named in "together with their parents/families" is still being named. The fact that it doesn't say "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" ? That shouldn't be anyone's hill to die on, regardless of how much they're paying. The wedding invitation is not a playbill.

What banana is saying is that if Dad is hosting, then Dad has the right to be named as the host. If the other parents aren't paying/hosting, then I could see how he would be peeved that the other nonhost parents were named as well.

ETA quote box is wonky

Jen4948 · August 2013

If Dad is hosting, then yes, I'll agree that he should be named (at least in "parents," not necessarily as Mr. John Smith), but on the other hand, who is paying is not the guests' business and should not factor into how the invitation is worded. If Dad is actually functioning as the host as a point person, then yes, it makes sense to name him.

On the other hand, if every single parent is doing that, then there just may be so many names, especially if one or more sets of parents have remarried, in which case, regardless of who is the actual "host," that using a summary phrase like "together with their parents/families" may just work better on the invitation.

If everyone knows who the at least one of the couple is and/or their parents, they'll get who the host/s are. The point of an invitation is not to "honor" the hosts but to convey to the guests what the occasion is, who the hosts are, who the honorees are, and the logistical information, not "I'm hosting because I'm paying!"

And a mature person will find some other hill to die on rather than bitching because the other parents who aren't paying are listed in "together with their parents/families."

Xstatic3333 · August 2013

Although it would be ideal if nobody's feelings got hurt over invitation wording, the fact is that they do. My parents were very insistent on being named (they are hosting as well). It's best just to ask. Sometimes it's one of those pesky "strings" that comes with money.

libby2483 · August 2013

I agree that it is best to ask. My parents paid for and hosted our wedding (had RSVPs sent to them, helped select the menu, flowers, and cake, etc.) so we named them and writing something like "together with their families" never really crossed our minds. However, after talking to my mom, it was important to her that my H's parents were listed in the format of "son of..." So, it never hurts to ask the host's preference, and it is the polite thing to do.

Kristin789 · August 2013

Mrs. Jane Smith

Mr. and Mrs. Roger Smith

request the honour of your presence

at the marriage of their daughter

Littleapack Marie

to

Mr. John Doe

----------------

The bride's parents host the wedding. Doesn't matter if your mom is PAYING or not. Your mom is your mom, and she will be there, welcoming the guests to her daughter's wedding - with her ex husband and his new wife. It's no one's business exactly what percentage your dad is paying, or that your mother isn't paying, or whatever. Your FAMILY is HOSTING the wedding, and as such, they are listed at the top of your invitation.

winelover123 · August 2013

Kristin789 said:

Mrs. Jane Smith
Mr. and Mrs. Roger Smith
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Littleapack Marie
to
Mr. John Doe
----------------
The bride's parents host the wedding. Doesn't matter if your mom is PAYING or not. Your mom is your mom, and she will be there, welcoming the guests to her daughter's wedding - with her ex husband and his new wife. It's no one's business exactly what percentage your dad is paying, or that your mother isn't paying, or whatever. Your FAMILY is HOSTING the wedding, and as such, they are listed at the top of your invitation.

No. This is not always correct, OP. The bride's parents don't automatically host the wedding just because they are the bride's parents. Ask your dad if he'd be ok with "Together with their parents" or if he'd prefer to just be listed by name (assuming he is hosting here).

s-aries8990 · August 2013

Kristin789 said:

Mrs. Jane Smith
Mr. and Mrs. Roger Smith
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Littleapack Marie
to
Mr. John Doe
----------------
The bride's parents host the wedding. Doesn't matter if your mom is PAYING or not. Your mom is your mom, and she will be there, welcoming the guests to her daughter's wedding - with her ex husband and his new wife. It's no one's business exactly what percentage your dad is paying, or that your mother isn't paying, or whatever. Your FAMILY is HOSTING the wedding, and as such, they are listed at the top of your invitation.

Umm no. Just no.

I suggest speaking with your dad and asking if he's offended by saying "together with their families"

NYCBruin · August 2013

Kristin789 said:

Mrs. Jane Smith
Mr. and Mrs. Roger Smith
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Littleapack Marie
to
Mr. John Doe
----------------
The bride's parents host the wedding. Doesn't matter if your mom is PAYING or not. Your mom is your mom, and she will be there, welcoming the guests to her daughter's wedding - with her ex husband and his new wife. It's no one's business exactly what percentage your dad is paying, or that your mother isn't paying, or whatever. Your FAMILY is HOSTING the wedding, and as such, they are listed at the top of your invitation.

No. Just no. Being the biological parents of the bride does not automatically mean you host the wedding. This isn't 1950. Please stop giving etiquette advice until you find a time machine to bring you to present day.

libby2483 · August 2013

Kristin789 said:
Mrs. Jane Smith
Mr. and Mrs. Roger Smith
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Littleapack Marie
to
Mr. John Doe
----------------
The bride's parents host the wedding. Doesn't matter if your mom is PAYING or not. Your mom is your mom, and she will be there, welcoming the guests to her daughter's wedding - with her ex husband and his new wife. It's no one's business exactly what percentage your dad is paying, or that your mother isn't paying, or whatever. Your FAMILY is HOSTING the wedding, and as such, they are listed at the top of your invitation.

OP, please ignore this advice. It is wrong.

Kristin789 · August 2013

Well, some of you must live in very cosmopolitan big cities where no one cares about etiquette and traditions. But I live in the South, where etiquette and tradition and prominent. DH and I go to about three weddings a year because we're teachers, and ALL of those weddings are hosted by the bride's parents.

The bride's mom and dad, assisted by the bride, hand-address the invitations, because the invitations say that the bride's mom and dad are requesting the honour of the guests' presence - so the invitation is coming from THEM. The RSVPs are sent to the bride's mom, who does the seating plan. The bride's parents work with the ushers, so that the ushers know exactly who is attending the wedding and how close up they should be seated, and they can greet the guests by name. The bride's parents welcome everyone to the reception, etc.

The groom's parents host the RD, and this is taken VERY seriously. Recently, the sons of two women I work with were getting married out of state. So those women and their husbands took off some days from work, flew from Florida to the wedding location (one was in Vermont and one was in Baltimore), and did visits and tastings at four RD possible locations. Then they chose the perfect restaurant where they would host the RD, and they worked out all the details, like napkin and tablecloth color, menu, etc., and signed the contract.

This is all very standard here. But if the OP is living in a different region of the country where weddings do not follow any sort of tradition, and where it would be OK to cut the bride's mom out of the planning and off of the invitation, then she should do all of that instead of following the traditions and customs of other regions of the country.

Jen4948 · August 2013

Kristin789 said:

Well, some of you must live in very cosmopolitan big cities where no one cares about etiquette and traditions. But I live in the South, where etiquette and tradition and prominent. DH and I go to about three weddings a year because we're teachers, and ALL of those weddings are hosted by the bride's parents.
The bride's mom and dad, assisted by the bride, hand-address the invitations, because the invitations say that the bride's mom and dad are requesting the honour of the guests' presence - so the invitation is coming from THEM. The RSVPs are sent to the bride's mom, who does the seating plan. The bride's parents work with the ushers, so that the ushers know exactly who is attending the wedding and how close up they should be seated, and they can greet the guests by name. The bride's parents welcome everyone to the reception, etc.
The groom's parents host the RD, and this is taken VERY seriously. Recently, the sons of two women I work with were getting married out of state. So those women and their husbands took off some days from work, flew from Florida to the wedding location (one was in Vermont and one was in Baltimore), and did visits and tastings at four RD possible locations. Then they chose the perfect restaurant where they would host the RD, and they worked out all the details, like napkin and tablecloth color, menu, etc., and signed the contract.
This is all very standard here. But if the OP is living in a different region of the country where weddings do not follow any sort of tradition, and where it would be OK to cut the bride's mom out of the planning and off of the invitation, then she should do all of that instead of following the traditions and customs of other regions of the country.

I used to live in the South too, and sorry, but there is no "bride's parents always host."

Whose name appears on the invitations depends on a lot of things, but the bride's parents are not automatic hosts and their names do not always go on invitations in the South. Maybe in the city or town you come from, but this is not the case throughout the whole South of the United States.

KDM323 · August 2013

Kristin789 said:

Well, some of you must live in very cosmopolitan big cities where no one cares about etiquette and traditions. But I live in the South, where etiquette and tradition and prominent. DH and I go to about three weddings a year because we're teachers, and ALL of those weddings are hosted by the bride's parents.
The bride's mom and dad, assisted by the bride, hand-address the invitations, because the invitations say that the bride's mom and dad are requesting the honour of the guests' presence - so the invitation is coming from THEM. The RSVPs are sent to the bride's mom, who does the seating plan. The bride's parents work with the ushers, so that the ushers know exactly who is attending the wedding and how close up they should be seated, and they can greet the guests by name. The bride's parents welcome everyone to the reception, etc.
The groom's parents host the RD, and this is taken VERY seriously. Recently, the sons of two women I work with were getting married out of state. So those women and their husbands took off some days from work, flew from Florida to the wedding location (one was in Vermont and one was in Baltimore), and did visits and tastings at four RD possible locations. Then they chose the perfect restaurant where they would host the RD, and they worked out all the details, like napkin and tablecloth color, menu, etc., and signed the contract.
This is all very standard here. But if the OP is living in a different region of the country where weddings do not follow any sort of tradition, and where it would be OK to cut the bride's mom out of the planning and off of the invitation, then she should do all of that instead of following the traditions and customs of other regions of the country.

NO. This is not correct. This may be what happens in a particular circle of people...but that does not make it standard etiquette NOR does it make it how to properly write an invitation.

The bride's parents do NOT always host the wedding.
The words "honour of your presence" are only used for weddings where the ceremony is in a church.
The groom's parents do not ALWAYS host a rehearsal dinner. (Oh, and there does not ALWAYS have to be a rehearsal dinner)

@littleapack - in your situation, I would suggest using the phrasing "together with their parents" or "together with their families". There are several threads here in this forum with the way to word the invitation using this phrase.

NYCBruin · August 2013

Kristin789 said:

Well, some of you must live in very cosmopolitan big cities where no one cares about etiquette and traditions. But I live in the South, where etiquette and tradition and prominent. DH and I go to about three weddings a year because we're teachers, and ALL of those weddings are hosted by the bride's parents.
The bride's mom and dad, assisted by the bride, hand-address the invitations, because the invitations say that the bride's mom and dad are requesting the honour of the guests' presence - so the invitation is coming from THEM. The RSVPs are sent to the bride's mom, who does the seating plan. The bride's parents work with the ushers, so that the ushers know exactly who is attending the wedding and how close up they should be seated, and they can greet the guests by name. The bride's parents welcome everyone to the reception, etc.
The groom's parents host the RD, and this is taken VERY seriously. Recently, the sons of two women I work with were getting married out of state. So those women and their husbands took off some days from work, flew from Florida to the wedding location (one was in Vermont and one was in Baltimore), and did visits and tastings at four RD possible locations. Then they chose the perfect restaurant where they would host the RD, and they worked out all the details, like napkin and tablecloth color, menu, etc., and signed the contract.
This is all very standard here. But if the OP is living in a different region of the country where weddings do not follow any sort of tradition, and where it would be OK to cut the bride's mom out of the planning and off of the invitation, then she should do all of that instead of following the traditions and customs of other regions of the country.

So under your "rules" of etiquette and tradition, if a bride doesn't have parents or doesn't have a relationship with her parents, she can't get married. Because there would be no one to host the wedding.

I'm sorry, you are completely off base. Just because people you know do things a certain way does not make it "proper etiquette" or "tradition." It also doesn't make something a "Southern thing" just because some people you know do it that way. I've been to weddings in the South hosted completely by the couple (not the bride's parents).

crunchymamaof2 · August 2013

Kristin789 said:

Well, some of you must live in very cosmopolitan big cities where no one cares about etiquette and traditions. But I live in the South, where etiquette and tradition and prominent. DH and I go to about three weddings a year because we're teachers, and ALL of those weddings are hosted by the bride's parents.

The bride's mom and dad, assisted by the bride, hand-address the invitations, because the invitations say that the bride's mom and dad are requesting the honour of the guests' presence - so the invitation is coming from THEM. The RSVPs are sent to the bride's mom, who does the seating plan. The bride's parents work with the ushers, so that the ushers know exactly who is attending the wedding and how close up they should be seated, and they can greet the guests by name. The bride's parents welcome everyone to the reception, etc.

The groom's parents host the RD, and this is taken VERY seriously. Recently, the sons of two women I work with were getting married out of state. So those women and their husbands took off some days from work, flew from Florida to the wedding location (one was in Vermont and one was in Baltimore), and did visits and tastings at four RD possible locations. Then they chose the perfect restaurant where they would host the RD, and they worked out all the details, like napkin and tablecloth color, menu, etc., and signed the contract.

This is all very standard here. But if the OP is living in a different region of the country where weddings do not follow any sort of tradition, and where it would be OK to cut the bride's mom out of the planning and off of the invitation, then she should do all of that instead of following the traditions and customs of other regions of the country.

-------------
What the hell does being a teacher have to do with attending a lot of weddings?

And tradition does NOT equal etiquette. What you've posted may be true about the weddings you've attending but to say it's how weddings are always done is presumptuous and asinine. There is no way my parents would be listed on our invitations because they aren't hosting. Sharing DNA does not automatically make them the hosts of a wedding.

@littleapack please don't listen to this advice. Listen to everyone else who said to ask your dad what he would like. If he wants his name on there it's not your fault if your mother gets upset. That's her issue to deal with.

banana468 · August 2013

Kristin, why do you insist on rules that don't actually exist for other people yet claim that they changed when it was time for your own wedding?

Complicated Invite wording suggestion.

Re: Complicated Invite wording suggestion.

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