NWR: Is this rude?

walgrrl · August 2013

Hi. I used this board extensively when I was planning my wedding and it was a big help to me. I want to ask you all if this is rude or if I'm just over-reacting.

My husband and I were invited to a Labor Day party back in July. We were invited through facebook, and at that time, no one made any mention of it being potluck. We said we would go. Just yesterday, I got a mass facebook message from one of the hosts stating that they will need each guest (or couple) to bring a bottle of alcohol and an appetizer or dessert and that we should message them back to tell them what we're bringing so they can make sure they have enough.

This really rubbed me the wrong way. I have no problem bringing food or drinks to a party. In fact, I always offer to bring something and I usually never show up to a party empty-handed. I think it was the fact that in this case, the host's are expecting/requiring it of their guests and also the fact that they didn't mention it was potluck when they invited us.

Also, it is a 3-hour drive from where we live, so we are already shelling out a lot of driving time and gas money to get there. Now I guess we are providing our own refreshments as well. If my husband didn't want to go so bad (these are his friends), I would just politely decline the invitation.

I always thought it was the host's responsibility to provide the food and drinks for the guests. I've hosted many parties and I've never asked or required my guests to supply the food and drinks. I looked at that as my responsibility as the host. I was very put off by this.

Are they being rude, or am I over-reacting? Is this how things are done nowadays?

AddieCake · August 2013

I think it's rude of them to dictate what people bring. It is one thing to have a picnic and everyone is bringing a dish. It's another to say bring a dish AND liquor.

Weesh · August 2013

It might depend on your circle of friends. Are BYOB parties common? I'll often go to a barbeque with close friends and bring something and a bottle of wine.

However, the hosts usually provide the bulk of the food/drink. This sounds strange in that it doesn't sound like the hosts are providing much of anything. A little rude if they didn't present the barbeque that way in the first place.

AroundTheBlock · August 2013

Here is the thing: how will it change what you do in this situation, when you decide whether to stick the label "rude" on your husband's friends, or not? Will there be a group of other spouses there, all secretly looking down on their 'hosts' for their hard-drinking communal-partying expectations, a group with whom your shared contempt will help you bond and fit in? Or will everyone else be having a good time because that is just how they do things in that crowd and you'll be the grumpy guss sticking out like a sore thumb, because your ruling on the rude/not-rude question shows in your deportment?

Of course you are right that the 'host' is responsible to provide food, shelter and entertainment. And that is still 'how things are done nowadays' when standard etiquette is followed. But nowadays or not, there have always been groups of friends where potluck is the assumed standard. When you are new to a group, you have to learn what its standards are and now to best fit into the group. Later, when you know the ropes and are accepted by its members, you can start trying to raise its standard of etiquette if you still think that's important.

In the meantime you can console yourself with the thought that you probably need not send your hostess flowers ahead of the party, nor a bread-and-butter letter afterward. Although if you really do want to raise the standard of their etiquette, you could attend to those little details anyway and role-model the mannerly conduct you find lacking in your 'hosts'.

allispain · August 2013

In my circle, it's pretty typical to expect that guests will show with a six pack or a bottle of wine - but that's because we're friends with a bunch of beer and wine snobs and everyone brings something that caters to their own taste :-)

As for the food, yeah, I'd be a little annoyed at being asked to bring some now (when it wasn't mentioned in the invite that it would be potluck), especially since you're being required to let them know what you'll be bringing. What are they going to do? Say, "Sorry, that won't work. You need to bring X instead"?

walgrrl · August 2013

BYOB parties are not common in our circle. The hosts provided everything at other parties I've been to. Usually, guests (myself included) will ask, "Do you want me to bring anything?" and sometimes the hosts will take us up on it, saying something like, "You can bring a dessert if you want to". To me, that is totally different than being told to bring food and alcohol without me even offering.

From what I've gathered, the hosts of this party are providing burgers, hot dogs, and chicken to grill and providing the beer. All the appetizers, side dishes, desserts, and alcohol (besides beer) are being provided by the guests. And it looks like most of the guests are coming from the same area where we live, so most of the guest list has a 3+ hour drive to the party. That's going to make it awfully hard for anyone to bring any hot or cold dishes, because how would you keep it hot or cold until you get to the party?

walgrrl · August 2013

allispain said:

In my circle, it's pretty typical to expect that guests will show with a six pack or a bottle of wine - but that's because we're friends with a bunch of beer and wine snobs and everyone brings something that caters to their own taste :-)

As for the food, yeah, I'd be a little annoyed at being asked to bring some now (when it wasn't mentioned in the invite that it would be potluck), especially since you're being required to let them know what you'll be bringing. What are they going to do? Say, "Sorry, that won't work. You need to bring X instead"?

I was wondering that, too! What if 10 people offer to bring brownies? Are they going to dictate what you can bring, too?

misssunshine17 · August 2013

I don't generally think pot lucks are rude, but it is when you dictate. I always offer to bring something when we're invited somewhere and if they host doesn't take me up on it, I bring a bottle of wine.

NYCBruin · August 2013

I don't hate potlucks as much as some do, nor do I think they are generally rude. However, in this case I think it's rude to require food/booze to be brought (and it sounds like they may even "change" what people bring if they don't get enough/the right combination). I also think it's rude to not say anything about it being potluck until after people had already been invited/accepted the invitation.

Blue_Bird · August 2013

walgrrl said:

BYOB parties are not common in our circle. The hosts provided everything at other parties I've been to. Usually, guests (myself included) will ask, "Do you want me to bring anything?" and sometimes the hosts will take us up on it, saying something like, "You can bring a dessert if you want to". To me, that is totally different than being told to bring food and alcohol without me even offering.

From what I've gathered, the hosts of this party are providing burgers, hot dogs, and chicken to grill and providing the beer. All the appetizers, side dishes, desserts, and alcohol (besides beer) are being provided by the guests. And it looks like most of the guests are coming from the same area where we live, so most of the guest list has a 3+ hour drive to the party. That's going to make it awfully hard for anyone to bring any hot or cold dishes, because how would you keep it hot or cold until you get to the party?

This is the type of potluck I'm used to. However, the hosts would never completely rely on the guests to bring all of the side dishes and desserts. They would have a back up plan- OR a sign up sheet online so everyone knows what everyone else is bringing and what types of dishes are lacking. Aside from that, a potluck would never be sprung on guests at the last minute.

walgrrl · August 2013

scribe95 said:
I guess it wouldn't bother me because I have never attended picnics like this without bringing some sort of food item. It's just the way I was raised. When I RSVP'd I would have said, 'what can I bring?' And my husband always likes to bring along beer or wine. So it doesn't sound like that big of a deal to me.

Right. I am the same way. Like I already said, I always ask what I can bring and I almost never go to a party empty-handed. I don't mind bringing food to a party. What bothers me is how it was handled. Guests are being required to bring food and alcohol. No one was even given the chance to offer, instead we were told.

NYCBruin · August 2013

scribe95 said:
You had the chance to offer when you RSVP'd and you didn't.

That doesn't make it ok for the hosts to later demand that she bring something.

Also if the hosts hadn't sent the message, she still could have offered. I usually make such offers closer to the event when I know if/how much time I will have to make something.

And I always bring booze without offering to do so. I just show up with it.

walgrrl · August 2013

scribe95 said:
You had the chance to offer when you RSVP'd and you didn't.

I was going to wait until closer to the party and see what they needed. I can't imagine inviting people over to my house and telling them to bring their own refreshments.

freebread03 · August 2013

This happened to me earlier this year and I was peeved-a friend threw himself a going away party since he was moving across country (totally fine with me, he wanted to see everyone before he moved). I accepted, and then I got an email telling me I was to bring a side dish (I actually think it was specific in that it was "veggie side dish with broccoli" or something ridiculous). I NEVER show up anywhere empty handed, and usually bring a bottle of wine or craft beer six pack. But being assigned a dish really rubbed me the wrong way. Between the time I get home in the evening, go to the gym, and then shower and change, there's definitely not any time for me to cook, hence I usually bring alcohol

It sounds like you can't decline because your husband really wants to go, but I'd probably just tell them I was bringing some beer and olive tapenade/pita chips and leave it at that. If they try to assign you something different, just tell them it won't be possible because of x/y/z.

SP29 · August 2013

I don't have an issue with a potluck event, but I agree that the event should have stated from the get-go that it was a potluck.

Or even something like, "We will supply the hotdogs, hamburgers, buns and beer. Bring anything else you would like to eat or drink". Then you would know where the hosts stand. Up to you if you wanted to bring something else. Because really- maybe you and your husband would be fine with only a hamburger and a beer as a meal??

Likewise, unless it is an official potluck (stated from the beginning) I don't think the hosts should dictate what a guest offers to bring- just be glad they are bringing something.

cruffino · August 2013

I'd be annoyed that they didn't call it a potluck when they made the initial invitation. And more annoyed that they're dictating what people should bring.

SomethingBeautiful08 · August 2013

That would be one heck of a friend or occasion for me to "want" to drive 3 hours for hot dogs, beer and what will end up being mostly shelf stable / room temp food.. but that between you and your husband. I also think that it was rude that they didn't make it clear that this was a potluck when they invited you. That being said I don't think this is a hill to die on. Let the host know you will be bringing chips, brownies or some other easy, travel friendly side and let your husband pick what he wants to bring to drink... go enjoy yourself and make sure to say thanks to the hosts.

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

I'd be ok with potluck if you knew at the time of being invited. Adding it after the fact and adding alcohol is rude. I'd ignore the facebook message and come empty handed or with whatever I feel like if I wanted to go still. I'd cancel going if I didn't want to go any longer.

crunchymamaof2 · August 2013

scribe95 said:

It's all about your circle. I hosted a surprise bday party for a good friend of mine at our house. She has a deathly allergic reaction to peanuts so in the evite I said we would be providing all the food to control the nut intake, and asked if people could bring their favorite beverage of choice along. Worked out great.

Again, I have literally never been to a picnic of this kind in which the host provided every bit of food. In my circle the hosts usually provide all the meat, buns, chips and the rest fill in the sides and desserts. So it just doesn't sound that offensive to me. It's what I'm used to.

The potluck itself isn't the issue. The invites should have stated it was a potluck. To spring it on the guests last minute is rude. I also feel being told what to bring (they could have said it much nicer) was a bit rude.

But I also think coming empty handed would be equally as rude. What about stopping by a grocery store close to the hosts and grabbing something there. 3 hours in a hot car makes for some not so yummy foods (unless its chips and dip)

NYCBruin · August 2013

scribe95 said:

FYI - the hosts didn't spring anything on the guests at the last minute. It's still TWO WEEKS until Labor Day.

Again, this is a circle thing. We get invites all the time to picnic-like events. Nothing says potluck on it because it's expected here. Then a week or so before a round of emails/FB messages begins on what the hosts are providing and people say what they are bringing to round out the meal.

The only thing I see wrong on this was asking for food AND alcohol. Should probably be an either/or.

People aren't saying it's rude because it's last minute, it's rude because the initial invitation said NOTHING about it being a potluck. Then after people RSVP'd, the hosts changed the terms of the invitation. THAT'S rude.

ETA and given OP's initial response, it doesn't sound like this is "always the case" in her circle.

tammym1001 · August 2013

I don't feel like this is a big deal. It's a Labor Day picnic. Maybe they didn't include it in the invite because it's expected in their circle that something so casual would be pot luck and OP doesn't know that because these are her husband's friends. My family has BBQ's during the summer and nobody has ever said the words to me "it will be potluck". I already know I have to bring something and a couple of weeks before I will call the host or they will call me and we'll talk about what I'll bring.

walgrrl · August 2013

scribe95 said:

If you don't like it decline. But don't be rude and show up with nothing and eat everyone else's food and drink. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I definitely never said I was going to do that.

walgrrl · August 2013

Ok, I am officially done discussing this, as I've made my decision to just roll with it. I just wanted to see if other people thought this was as rude as I did, and it sounds like about 95% of you do. This is definitely NOT the norm in my circle and I've been with my husband over 7 years, so I know it's NOT the norm in his circle, either. But this is the same couple who took almost a year to get the thank you notes from their wedding mailed, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

It is important to my husband that we go, so I'm definitely going to go with him. I'm going to bring a bottle of wine I already have (so I don't have to go out and buy something) and brownies (because they are cheap, easy to make, and can travel at room temperature). If I am asked to bring something else instead, the answer is going to be no. I will go, have a good time, and be gracious and friendly. I've attended several weddings in the past 2 years, so I am used to politely and graciously dealing with other people's breaches of etiquette.

Thanks for the responses!

NWR: Is this rude?

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