Chit Chat

RSVP Blues--Vent/Need Advice

Hey Everyone,  I've been having a tough time with something, and I'm hoping some of you have words of wisdom or maybe have gone through something similar and can relate.  
We're having an unusually high decline rate for our wedding.  We invited about 180 people.  It looks like less than half of them will actually be attending.  Our "declines" also include people who have verbally told my fiance and me in the past few months that they are making plans to come.  Then, they ended up sending the card and marking decline.  
It has come to the point where every time I get a new decline, it is really upsetting to me and I feel personally rejected and bitter.  Plus, our venue requires we pay for at least 100 people, so I'll have to end up paying for imaginary people (which brings up the humiliation all over again).  
Logically, I know people have other things going on in their lives aside from my wedding, we will still have many wonderful friends and family members there, and the important thing is that my fiance and I show up.  But that doesn't take away the feeling that I'm being punched in the stomach every time I get a decline. Any advice?

Re: RSVP Blues--Vent/Need Advice

  • Thanks Addie!  I'll check with my venue about that.
  • Agree with Addie.  If you are below the minimum, see if the venue can take that "per person" dollar amount and put it towards another food station, more apps, additional dessert plates, etc.  Don't let it get you down.
  • When is your wedding and does it require travel?

    We had about the same numbers and wound up with 70 in attendance. We expected as much because of the travel aspect, but it was interesting how RSVPs kind of flip flopped. People who said they were going to come all along did not and people we thought might not be able to made their plans. In the end, it was the perfect amount for us and everyone who made the trip to be there had a blast.

    Like PPs said, look into some food or drink upgrades for your guests, and you have nothing to be embarrassed about.
  • When I told our venue's manager that we weren't going to meet their minimum guests for the ballroom reservation, she reduced the minimum number for me. I just asked her how she could help us, fully prepared to upgrade apps or booze to meet the dollar minimum, and she offered to take twenty people off our minimum. Just ask nicely.
  • Sorry to hear this, I understand how it can be disappointing.  We already have a few people that won't be able to make it that we were especially looking forward to seeing. Like the others said though, the bright side is that you may be able to do some upgrades.  In the end, I'm sure you will have a great time anyway and your wedding day will be just as memorable. Chin up! 
  • Ask about upgrades so eat up some of the money of the minimum. 

    I'm also curious what kind of travel is required? Things change and people get excited, but then reality sets in. For the record, I think you're being a little dramatic about it. Just because people decline doesn't mean that they hate you. 
  • Thank you so much everyone for your helpful responses!  They actually made me feel a lot better.  I think I just needed to hear that we can still have an amazing event with smaller numbers (and upgrading everything for our guests would be awesome, if our venue lets us!)  

    The wedding will be in my hometown, but both my fiance and I have moved around a lot and have friends in a bunch of different places, so a lot of people would have to travel at least 4 or 5 hours to get there.  That may have been a factor in the declines.  

    @misssunshine:  When I re-read the original post, I agree it did seem a little dramatic.  Lol.  I just got a bad batch of RSVPs last night and I think I woke up grumpy :)
  • We too are getting a higher than expected decline rate, primarily from OOT guests.  We may fall under our minimum by about $1000.  We asked it if could be lowered (doesn't hurt to try this) but the venue said they have to stick with the agreed amount.  So now we are just waiting for our final count and then we will choose some upgrades.  Adding sushi to the appetizers is something we would love to do if it comes down to spending the extra money on more food. 

    I had a small shower and loved the fact that I had time to talk with everyone.  A smaller wedding can have the same benefit so that is something to look forward to.

  • Are you getting married over Labor Day weekend?  Is your wedding through the week?  Those could cause a much higher decline rate.
  • I'd be upset too. I'm running into a situation where I am probably going to be just under what my minimum is for people. However, my food minimum can be added to enhance the appetizers or meal etc.. so I'm not worried about it.

    Also, don't forget to add some of your vendors to that count (photographer, dj, videographer, etc... ) Perhaps you want to invite your officiant?


    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
  • We only had about half of our invite list at the wedding (140 ish invites, 70 ish people came). It still seemed like a full house crowd and we had tons of fun, plus it was easier to get to see everyone. 
  • Oh yeah!  I didn't think about vendors.  And a few of them are actually former co-workers and acquaintances.  They might even like to bring a guest for dinner.  We're getting married the weekend after Labor Day weekend, so people might have back to school things to deal with, too.  Thank you for all the encouraging comments!  I'm starting to think of it more as being able to spend more time with everybody, and now I can just focus on creating a great time for everyone who is coming!
  • @Jessa1404 we might have the same date...Sept 7?  To add to what Muppet said, don't forget to include yourself and FI in the total headcount too when you are crunching the numbers.
  • Date triplets?  I'm also Sept. 7th...
  • Yes, September 7th!  Yay, wedding day triplets!!!  You two are the first I've met with the same date as me :)
  • Good luck with your numbers, it's coming up quick!
  • I'm also September 7th! There are two other couples at my gym who are also getting married that day!

    Don't be discouraged by the declines. It will all work out!
  • I know how you feel!  We invited 230 and have only 60 yeses (yes, 60).  He's from the northern midwest, I'm from the south, and we met and lived for several years out west.  We recently just moved to a middle-ground midwestern state, so we had zero in-state invitations.  Our wedding's on September 6th, a Friday...  with everyone coming from 7+ hours away, we knew the decline number would be very high.  But I'd be lying if I wasn't (okay, I am) disappointed that more of my family isn't making an effort to come.  A lot of people verbally confirmed their attendance but then declined on the RSVP.  It's hard not to take it personally, but you just have to understand that people have their own lives and it doesn't necessarily reflect how much they care for you.  We were given some very silly and shallow reasons from my family for not making the trip, but we don't truly know individual situations and are being understanding. 

    Since we budgeted for about 200 people, it turns out that the required 50% payment to the caterer that we made back in June covers our entire bill... that's almost $4000 saved!  The bar can be upgraded, another appetizer added, and we still have money to redo the floors of the house after the wedding.  Look for the silver linings!  ;)

  • What up 9/7!
  • @Jessa1404 @TheFutureMrsRohlmar @sarabopp @zobird

    How did it go?

    We had a great day with beautiful weather.  We had a couple more RSVP at the deadline to push our number up a little but still had to spend to meet the minimum.  We did that by extending the bar (which was well utilized) and adding an amuse bouche as "starter course."  In the end we thought the size was perfect because we were able to say "hi" to everyone for at least a few minutes. 

  • Our day was great! It poured in the morning but stopped before the 5 PM ceremony, but it was humid as HELL when we did outside photos. It ended up affecting the structure of my dress and I became rather cleavage-y. But whatever. No wardrobe malfunctions, so we're good. Perfect number of people. 5 no-shows.
  • I am expecting a very high decline rate because I now live far from my family and college friends. It makes me sad too. :(

    I was expecting it, but at least we'll be able to better host our guests who do show up. More food and wine and catching up with them. I'm also hoping to get some really good pictures with each guest.
  • The day ended up completely amazing!  We ended up with only about 90 people RSVPing yes (including us), but we had 100% attendance rate!  And our venue was great.  They didn't hold us to the minimum, and they let us pay for just the 90.  (I think it was close enough).  The number ended up seeming just perfect because it felt like a decent sized crowd, and we were able to spend some time with all of our guests.  Plus, and most importantly, I married my very best friend!!

    Thank you so much to everyone who commented on this thread.  You all helped me keep everything in perspective.  I would have felt very silly if I had continued to let this stress me out, and the day ended up as great as it did.  

    @zobird and @csuave Glad to hear your days were amazing, too!!
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