Parents paying for part, parents home, wedding couple's wants dismissed

ktkatp · August 2013

I was wondering if you would have any advice for us. My soon-to-be wife and I are getting married in her parents backyard and we were just recently told that the wedding isn't about us, but about them and how proud and happy they are for their daughter. I'm not sure how to move forward as this is a small quick wedding that seems to be spiraling out of control.

NYCBruin · August 2013

ktkatp said:

I was wondering if you would have any advice for us. My soon-to-be wife and I are getting married in her parents backyard and we were just recently told that the wedding isn't about us, but about them and how proud and happy they are for their daughter. I'm not sure how to move forward as this is a small quick wedding that seems to be spiraling out of control.

Cancel the plans, decline any money they have offered, come up with a budget and then plan the wedding that YOU want. Unfortunately s/he who pays gets a say, so the only way to totally keep control of your wedding is to pay for it yourselves.

RebeccaB88 · August 2013

Thank them for their generous offer, but tell them you'd rather have control of your wedding yourselves, and therefore, you and your FI will be planning and paying for it yourself.

Those who pay, get a say. It would be nice if they just gifted it to you and let you make the decisions, but their money obviously comes with strings. You can either accept their money and their strings, or do it all on your own.

HisGirlFriday13 · August 2013

Ditto PP. Decline their money, thank them graciously, then plan the wedding you and your FI can afford.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

I think I'm missing some details, but if it really becoming an issue, cancel their wedding plans and plan and pay for your own.

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

If you pay for your own wedding, you have 100% of the control. That's why people are suggesting you decline the funds and location.

What do you want that you aren't getting?

NYCMercedes · August 2013

I suggest you take all the advice above, but have their daughter speak to them about it.

MoonlightSilver · August 2013

If the problem is that they said something stupid, ignore it and keep planning.

If the problem is that they're doing a lot of things that you don't want, cancel your plans, return their money, and plan the wedding you can afford.

If you don't want to do that, learn to compromise with them.

phira · August 2013

While some people are lucky and have family members who offer to pay for all or part of the wedding AND let the couple make all the decisions, it's pretty rare. I'm sorry that your future in-laws are taking so much control.

It's not clear from your post what exactly is going on. Are you getting married in their backyard because they offered and because you wanted to, or because your budget is small and you can't afford a different venue? Are they just contributing the venue, or are they paying for everything? How does your fiancee feel about this situation? What exactly are they insisting on that isn't what you want?

Specifically, saying the wedding is really about how happy they are for their daughter isn't taking control. Demanding that you invite (or not invite) the people they choose, deciding on what kind of food or decor you have, and insisting that your ceremony be flavored with a particular religion are all ways of taking control.

If you want to take the wedding into your own hands (collective "your" here: you and your fiancee's hands), you will need to politely and respectfully decline any offers of assistance. That means that you will need to find another venue and not use their backyard. It means that you will have to refuse any financial assistance from them.

Jen4948 · August 2013

ktkatp said:

I was wondering if you would have any advice for us. My soon-to-be wife and I are getting married in her parents backyard and we were just recently told that the wedding isn't about us, but about them and how proud and happy they are for their daughter. I'm not sure how to move forward as this is a small quick wedding that seems to be spiraling out of control.

The best way to do this is to pay for everything yourselves and find another venue for the wedding. If they get pissy, have your FI tell them, "If you're that proud and happy for me, it's not showing. We've decided that this is the way we want to get married-and the wedding will belong to the two of us."

LavenderHoneyBee · August 2013

Posters here are very quick to say "Refuse their offer and plan your own wedding." And while, that is certainly an option, it isn't always easy to do that without destroying the relationship between your FI and her parents.

What I would suggest would be to work on compromising. As the ILs are hosting the event, they do get a say. But you can also ask them to respect your opinions and allow you both to plan a few things the way you would like.

phira · August 2013

LavenderHoneyBee said:

Posters here are very quick to say "Refuse their offer and plan your own wedding." And while, that is certainly an option, it isn't always easy to do that without destroying the relationship between your FI and her parents.

What I would suggest would be to work on compromising. As the ILs are hosting the event, they do get a say. But you can also ask them to respect your opinions and allow you both to plan a few things the way you would like.

Which is why I wish the OP had been more specific and included more information. It's really hard to tell the best way to proceed in this situation without those details. My gut reaction is, "Then politely decline their assistance," but like you said, it depends on the situation.

Parents paying for part, parents home, wedding couple's wants dismissed

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