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Did I do the right thing?

mrsbizzzmrsbizzz member
Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
edited August 2013 in Wedding Woes
This past Saturday I went with my mother, two aunts, grandmother, FMIL, and future grandmother-in-law to shop for my dress. I didn't want an entourage, but rather just my mom and one aunt, who I am very close to and who has no female children, so she asked to help with my wedding. My other aunt - my mom's sister - is perpetually horrible to my branch of the family and is known for insulting us to our faces, but in that cheery tone that she thinks will cover up the fact that she's being rude. I didn't want her to come to this (I'd love to not invite her to the wedding at all), but my grandmother forgot I didn't want her there and invited her.

I had tried on 5 or 6 dresses when I put on "the one." I came out and all the ladies, save my aunt, got tears in their eyes. Amid "that's beautiful" and "you look gorgeous" came my aunt's comment: "Honestly you look heavy in it. You look fat. You can't pull that off until you make a major life change, which doesn't seem likely. I mean, your mom was overweight when she got married too." For the record, I'm 5' 6" and 135 pounds. 

I don't know if it was the fact that I didn't want her there in the first place, the fact that I knew this was my dress, the timing of the comment or a combination of the three, but - very unlike me - I snapped. In a calm, collected manner, I looked her straight in the eye and asked her to leave (she had driven separately). Stunned and acting as if she had said nothing at all, she said, "What? I don't get it?" then asked my grandmother to intervene. I kept my stare and asked her again to leave, which she eventually did.

Fast forward two days and my future grandmother-in-law, with whom I have a great relationship, leaves me a voicemail telling me how disappointed she was in my behavior and how I was incredibly disrespectful of my elders. I am not sure whether I should call her back and explain myself, let it go, or what. I am also greatly questioning inviting my aunt at this point. Clearly she cannot act like an adult, so why would I want her at my wedding? Did I do the right thing?
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Re: Did I do the right thing?

  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Team Hmo.

    Question, your mom was there and she was not only insulting you, but your mom.  What did your mom do/say? Just curious.
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  • GBCKGBCK member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    according to your FI, is F-gma-IL normally a busybody?  (you have a great relationship w/ her, sure, but he's got the insider scoop)

    Nothing wrong w/ apologizing that someone had to witness family drama--I apologize for that on a semi-regular basis--it's not the same thing as apologizing for my behavior or my backbone.
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  • mrsbizzzmrsbizzz member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    @hmonkey - I think what I want to say is "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I felt attacked and as an adult, I feel I have a right to defend myself and did what I needed to do to handle the situation." I don't want to apologize for what I did, because I wasn't rude in return and I didn't make a scene, so I feel it was disrespectful in any way.

    @mrs.conn23 - my mom has been the subject of her rudeness for decades so, most unfortunately, she's gotten into the habit of not defending herself when needed. I also acted pretty quickly, so no one else had the time to react.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    With GMIL, I'd keep it short and sweet.   Since it seems she believes that you should 'respect your elders' no matter what, I'd take a guess that she won't hear you out on your reasoning.

    I'd recommend something along the lines of : "I'm sorry that family drama got in the way of a nice day and upset you," and be done with it.


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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I wouldn't bother with an apology.  FGMIL should have been around long enough to know better than to stick her nose in someone else's family drama.  The fact that she felt the need to say something to you, without at least doing some background fishing, makes me think that she doesn't know any better.  I think apologizing will just keep it going.  The most I'd do is the, "I'm sorry you had to witness my family's issues in public" and that's it.

    I think you were well within your rights to ask her to leave if she hurt your feelings and it sounds like you handled it as well as possible w/in the bounds of your hurt feelings.

    If you don't invite aunt, what does that do to your family relationship?  I'd probably still invite her, just b/c I wouldn't want to deal with the drama afterwards from not-inviting.  But, I'd have someone in charge of keeping her the hell away from my mother and me.
    �
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  • PirateBarbiePirateBarbie member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is between myself and my aunt"

    is your fGMIL some sort of drama whore that she feels the need to insert herself into the situation?

    I'm fully onboard with asking your aunt to leave the fitting and not inviting her to the wedding. 
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  • mackenzielizabethmackenzielizabeth member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    You go, girl!!! I like the suggestions to keep things short and sweet and classy with FGMIL. 

    I think you did an awesome job handling the situation. There's never a need to put up with that. Way to stand your ground.
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    mackenzielizabeth said:
    You go, girl!!! I like the suggestions to keep things short and sweet and classy with FGMIL. 

    I think you did an awesome job handling the situation. There's never a need to put up with that. Way to stand your ground.
    ...yeah, i wouldn't use that phrase anymore, yo.
    image
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I think you did a really good thing.  It is far past time for someone to set boundaries with this woman and you just did.  I'll bet your mom wishes she had done that sooner.

    If you feel the need, you can talk to FGMIL and tell  her there is a lot of history with this aunt being very passive aggressive and  you weren't going to tolerate it anymore.

    I have toxic people in my family and I, too, came to the point where I cut them out.  I would talk to your mom about the long term ramifications of not inviting the aunt and make sure you look at the big picture and not one day.

    I have a toxic sister and am wrestling with the idea of whether or not to invite her to DD's wedding.  DD could care less and I don't expect toxic sister to attend, but I'm not sure I want to open the door either.  Good luck!
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  • doeydodoeydo member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You didn't do anything wrong.  No apology necessary. 
    image
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  • amorrison340amorrison340 member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    YOU'RE AWESOME!  Don't second guess yourself, your aunt had no right to say anything like that to you no matter what you weigh.  A suggested addition to what others have said "As an adult I feel respect is a two way street and my aunt was not showing it to myself or my mother."  Maybe reminding her that the insult was not only to you but your mom as well will help. You should probably invite your aunt, just seat her next to a drafty window.  Kidding! (kinda)
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  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    This is why I think it is so important to control and mitigate before stuff like this happens. If you don't want your aunt somewhere, don't let her come. Stop letting other people invite people you don't want places! Once you lose control it is really hard to get it back. Don't tell people details they don't need to know, don't give them the power to invite people who don't need to be places. You gotta take back control- and I think the best way to do that is cut off grandma and others from details. They can't control things that they have no knowledge of.

    I think you were 100% in the right. If you didn't want her there, she shouldn't be there. It's time for a heart to heart with grandma about expectations and responsibilities. 
    image
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