Sibling Wedding Rivalry

Re: Sibling Wedding Rivalry

• MayDay513 member

  

  August 2013

  jennay322 said:

  Hello Knotties!

  I am in a bind. I got engaged in March to my wonderful fiancé who I have been with for 6 years. When we got engaged all of my family and friends were excited and so happy for us. Me and my fiancé started to look at venues the next month and he was all into planning more than me! Then comes my brother, he is older than me married once before, got divorced and now living with his new girlfriend. They have only been together for a year and moved in together. On a side note I've never liked any of his girlfriends or his ex wife and I am not to fond of this one either. So, after I got engaged my brother tells me that he wants to ask his gf to marry him. I sat down with him and told him don't you think it's too soon, but he said it feels right. But my brother is the kind of person that is gonna do what he wants to do and doesn't care what anyone else thinks! He proposes to her in April! Me and my fiancé are pissed! And the one problem I have is that my fiancé is upset that my brother didn't say anything to him about proposing and he was telling me that he doesn't want to steal our thunder or anything but he is! I get an email from his fiancé today telling everybody their wedding date which is 2 months before ours! Now my fiancé is upset at me, I don't know what to do! HELP!

   

  - Distressed bride to be J

  It is not a competition.  You can be happy and celebrate your brother's marriage, or you can decline the invitation. There is no competition. Don't make it a competition. You plan your wedding with your FI. It doesn't matter if your brother's wedding is the week or day before yours. No one is stealing your thunder. You are marrying your FI, focus on your relationship and your future marriage.
  

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• KeptInStitches member

  

  August 2013

  You get one day. Your brother has the right to get married whenever he wants to. If you're concerned about the weddings being too similar, then you don't have to share any details with him.

  
  

  You're irritated now, and I get that, but he's going to be your brother forever.

  

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• smalfrie19 member

  

  August 2013

  Seriously,this is the least important thing to be irritated about. You get one day, not a month, not a year. Your brother can propose to his GF (now FI) whenever he wants. FTR, your judgy pants about the time line is CRAP. My FI proposed to me after 6 months of being together and I am more secure in this relationship then my last where I was with my ex for 4 years before he proposed and we were engaged 2 weeks before I called it off and gave back the ring.

  

  
  

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• banana468 member

  

  August 2013

  Are you saying he should have put his life on hold because it's your turn now?

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• Belle2188 member

  

  August 2013

  Your brother did nothing wrong.  Like PPs said, you get one day.  By all means, you can be protective of him and doubt his choices as his sister, but his getting married two months before you really isn't something to be angry over.

  
  

  I really would like to know where the misconception that engaged couples get a whole year devoted to them comes from.  My mom tried pulling this nonsense when FI started looking at rings--she thought my cousin should get a heads up because he had a serious girlfriend.  That's not how it works.

  

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• KDM323 member

  

  August 2013

  You are upset over something that you have no reason to be upset about.
  
  He's allowed to get married whenever he wants to - and to get engaged whenever he wants to.
  
  I wouldn't say a single word to him, his fiancee, your family, etc or you're going to come across really poorly.  And I also wouldn't go saying anything about it being "too soon" or about him being divorced previously, etc.  that's none of your business and doesn't reflect well on you when you say those things.
  

  *** Fairy Tales Do Come True ***

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• phira member

  

  August 2013

  Your brother was not obligated to tell your fiance anything about his planned proposal. He was not obligated to wait a certain amount of time after your engagement to get engaged. He was not obligated to wait a certain amount of time after your wedding to get married. This is not him stealing your thunder.

  
  

  I want to emphasize that you do not get to judge the validity of his relationship. My own brother has just initiated divorce proceedings and is already in a new relationship with someone he wants us to all meet. Some people are giving him a rough time about it, but most of us are just HAPPY that he's HAPPY. Is he making a mistake? Who cares?

  
  

  What can you do about the situation? Be a supportive sibling. He's your brother, and it sounds like you do care about him, so let that be the party line between you and your fiance. "We care about him, he's happy, that's good enough for us." Over and over until you believe it.
  

  
  

  I hope that you can read this advice without getting too defensive. I'm not going to tell you that you're a bad person for feeling frustrated. You feel however you feel about the situation. But we're not going to reassure you that your brother is doing something wrong, because he's not. Just take a deep breath, remember that he's your brother and his happiness is what matters, and let him have his relationship.

  
  

  On a somewhat related note, my cousin got engaged in January and is getting married next summer. My partner and I are planning to get engaged soon and married next fall. Because our weddings will be so close together, and because mine will be around Thanksgiving (aka expensive airfare and more conflicts with people's family plans), it's VERY likely that some of my family from out of town will come to my cousin's wedding and not mine. At first I was bummed because I have always wanted to get the big formal photo of my entire family at my wedding. However, now I see it as an opportunity to see some of my family EVEN IF they can't make it to my wedding.

  
  

  What's more important is that my cousin will be married to the person she loves, and I'll be married to the person I love, and we'll both (hopefully) have long and happy marriages.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• phira member

  

  August 2013

  drexelkathy said:

  You are upset over something that you have no reason to be upset about.
  
  He's allowed to get married whenever he wants to - and to get engaged whenever he wants to.
  
  I wouldn't say a single word to him, his fiancee, your family, etc or you're going to come across really poorly.  And I also wouldn't go saying anything about it being "too soon" or about him being divorced previously, etc.  that's none of your business and doesn't reflect well on you when you say those things.
  

  (Emphasis mine)

  
  

  I absolutely agree with this. My brother is getting divorced and is in a new relationship, and a few people are giving him a lot of crap for seeing someone while his divorce is being initiated. I won't go into all the details because they're really strange and kind of upsetting (basically, we all feel really guilty for not realizing how unhappy my brother was in his marriage), but I'm actually GLAD that he's seeing this person, I DON'T think he's seeing her "too soon," and I'm just relieved that he's happy.

  
  

  Judging him for the choices he made in his situation is not helpful or productive. Empathizing with him is what matters.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  August 2013

  Ditto PP, there is no competition.  There are 2 full months separating your wedding dates.  The only thing that may pose a problem is if you have a large amount of overlapping out of town guests, which may cause them to choose one wedding over the other.

  Don't share your wedding details with your FSIL, on the off chance she does try to steal one of your ideas.  

  

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• dem068 member

  

  August 2013

  My brother got engaged a month and a half before my wedding, and told my family about it at my shower.  My first reaction= tears of joy because I was so estatic for them.  They are now getting married 3 months after us.  We are extremely excited/happy for them because they have decided to spend the rest of their lives together.  I had my wedding (and it was awesome), and now we are gearing up for their wedding.  It could have been 3 months or 3 years apart and no one's "thunder" would have been stolen.  My wedding was a month ago and I am now a wife, no longer a bride, so there is no reason to focus on my wedding that already passed.  Just focus on yourself and the amazing day you will have, and do the same for your brother and his FI.  Family is important and you should be excited that he found someone that he wants to spend the rest of his life with

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• LavenderHoneyBee member

  

  August 2013

  You have ZERO right to be piss. It is what it is. Move on.
  

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• ElcaB member

  

  August 2013

  

  
  

  Calm down. There's no reason for you to be this upset. Your brother is getting married, not committing a crime. Be supportive of him and in the meantime, focus on planning your wedding. Weddings aren't competition. 

  

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• jcrmc member

  

  August 2013

  I dont care what PPs have said - I would be annoyed too...but I wouldnt say anything to anyone other than my FI, simply because what PPs have said is true - you get one day, and cannot dictate anyone elses choice of wedding dates.
  
  I would be pissed if they (bro and his FI) started asking for too much help from you while you are trying to plan your own wedding. If that becomes the case, make sure you give what help you feel you can without adding to your own wedding planning stress.
  
  And hey, who knows - you might be able to get a family discount if you use the same vendors - florist, DJ, invites or whatever!
  
  Just focus on your day and like i said - be firm about what help you feel you can offer.
  

  

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• aurianna member

  

  August 2013

  scribe95 said:

  Also, what is your FI's problem? Why in the world would your brother go to him about getting engaged? And what in the heck is he mad at you for? I don't get these issues at all. At least with your feelings I sort of have empathy for the emotional reaction you are having.

  Yeah... I'm confused. Why is your fiance upset at you? Not that he has a right to be upset at your brother either... but being upset at you makes even less sense.
  
  I'm sure there is way more to the story, but to a casual bystander that knows nothing of you, your fiance, or details of the situation... if I heard that a man got mad at his fiancee because her brother proposed and planned a wedding on his own timeline... warning bells would go off for me that something isn't right there.
  

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• aurianna member

  

  August 2013 edited August 2013

  Double posting fun.
  

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• melbelleup member

  

  August 2013

  My brother's and mine is 3 weeks a part. Although this irks me a little too, I know my wedding and his wedding will be different. Luckily, most of my family lives in the same city we live in. The only OOT really is my fiance's side and my brother's fiance's side, so no worries about our guests not wanting to attend due to distance.
  
  IMO, just remember the wedding is about you and your fiance, ignore your brother's wedding.
  

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2013

  Saying anything negative about your brother's fiancee or his choice of wedding date will only make you look bad.
  
  Your fiance shouldn't be mad at you over this.  He needs to get over it.
  

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• APDSS22 member

  

  August 2013

  I get why you're upset that the weddings are going to be close together if you have a lot of overlap in your OOT family guest list.  But the good news is you should be invited to your brother's wedding, right?  So you will see those people and be able to visit with them, even if they can't travel twice that soon and choose your wedding as the one to miss.  I would suggest you send out your save the date cards on the early side to alert the guests that there will be two weddings to plan for, budget around (and yes, possibly choose between). 
  

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