Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Bridesmaids who don't help

I have 3 bridesmaids: my sister and 2 friends.  My sister has been doing all of the work and paying all of the money for the shower.  It's one week away and one of the girls hasn't done a thing.  My sister told me that I shouldn't worry, that they'll come through but she's been doing everything.  The other two have made no initiative to do anything at all.  This bothers me.  If I were one of their bridesmaids I would be bending over backwards for their special occasion, what do I do?  

Re: Bridesmaids who don't help

  • Let it go.  The bridesmaids have no "duty" to "help" with any shower or other pre-wedding event.  The only real duty they have is to show up in the selected dress on time for the ceremony, in good spirits.  You really can't expect more than that from them.
  • This is between your sister and the other girls. Did she ask them to plan, participate, or pay? It's all on her to ask for help if she wants some.
  • really?  I thought that was part of the package as a bridesmaid.  My sister has reached out to no avail.  I do agree that I should stay out of it but I really do think that they should be helping more.  

    I will try to let it go but I don't want the shower guests to be left with no food or to be left in an empty room as I open gifts.  Am I worrying too much?  I suppose. 
  • No, it's not part of the package. If your sister wanted help, she should have asked for it before she started planning and executing and spending. If she made all the decisions without getting their input, then she solely seems to be the hostess. BM's responsibility is to buy the dress and show up. Personally, I'd add that they should start the ceremony sober and smile. That's all.
  • siscovic said:
    really?  I thought that was part of the package as a bridesmaid.  My sister has reached out to no avail.  I do agree that I should stay out of it but I really do think that they should be helping more.  

    I will try to let it go but I don't want the shower guests to be left with no food or to be left in an empty room as I open gifts.  Am I worrying too much?  I suppose. 
    Not part of the package.  There are no BM "duties" other than buying the dress and showing up to the ceremony.  

    They don't have to throw you a shower.  It's great that one of them wants to!  You are a lot luckier than many brides who don't have showers.

    You need to stay out of the shower-planning.  If your sister planned things without checking if the other BMs wanted to/could pitch in to help/how they wanted to help, that's her problem to deal with.  You should have nothing to do with the shower planning other than making sure that everyone who is invited is also on your wedding guest list.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • It's incredibly frustrating to be a bridesmaid and help plan when the other ones aren't doing any planning or paying. But unfortunately, as everyone else has said, they technically don't have to do any of that.

    At this point, let your sister take care of it. If the girls have said they'd contribute and now aren't, she'll have to sort that out with them. But hopefully she discussed with everyone what they were willing to contribute rather than just assuming.
    Anniversary
  • NYCBruin said:
    siscovic said:
    really?  I thought that was part of the package as a bridesmaid.  My sister has reached out to no avail.  I do agree that I should stay out of it but I really do think that they should be helping more.  

    I will try to let it go but I don't want the shower guests to be left with no food or to be left in an empty room as I open gifts.  Am I worrying too much?  I suppose. 
    Not part of the package.  There are no BM "duties" other than buying the dress and showing up to the ceremony.  

    They don't have to throw you a shower.  It's great that one of them wants to!  You are a lot luckier than many brides who don't have showers.

    You need to stay out of the shower-planning.  If your sister planned things without checking if the other BMs wanted to/could pitch in to help/how they wanted to help, that's her problem to deal with.  You should have nothing to do with the shower planning other than making sure that everyone who is invited is also on your wedding guest list.

    Wait - does this mean that if a BM randomly invites a bunch of people the bride was not planning on inviting, she now has to add them to the list?  If so, shouldn't the bride give the shower guest list a once-over to make sure she isn't then obligated to invite people she wasn't planning on inviting (and may not have the space to invite)?
  • Why would the BM invite random people? No, the bride does not need to change her guest list. A fundamental part of the hostess's planning is to be sure no one is invited to a shower that is not invited to the wedding.
  • Why would the BM invite random people? No, the bride does not need to change her guest list. A fundamental part of the hostess's planning is to be sure no one is invited to a shower that is not invited to the wedding.
    I don't know why a BM would do it - I could just see my MOH (my cousin) inviting some of her friends who I wouldn't invite to the wedding.  She does that sometimes - it doesn't bother me all that much, but I wouldn't want to change my guest list because she invited people I'm not really friends with.

    Thanks!
  • If she does that, then it reflects poorly on her and not you. Just give your cousin a guest list after she tells you how many she can host.
  • If she does that, then it reflects poorly on her and not you. Just give your cousin a guest list after she tells you how many she can host.
  • Why would the BM invite random people? No, the bride does not need to change her guest list. A fundamental part of the hostess's planning is to be sure no one is invited to a shower that is not invited to the wedding.
    I can think of people who, if asked to be bridesmaids, would do this for reasons only they know of.
  • Jen4948 said:
    Why would the BM invite random people? No, the bride does not need to change her guest list. A fundamental part of the hostess's planning is to be sure no one is invited to a shower that is not invited to the wedding.
    I can think of people who, if asked to be bridesmaids, would do this for reasons only they know of.
    If you know someone would randomly invite people who were not invited to the wedding, I would suggest declining any offers for showers from them.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • ssautter ditto everything nycmercedes said
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • NYCBruin said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Why would the BM invite random people? No, the bride does not need to change her guest list. A fundamental part of the hostess's planning is to be sure no one is invited to a shower that is not invited to the wedding.
    I can think of people who, if asked to be bridesmaids, would do this for reasons only they know of.
    If you know someone would randomly invite people who were not invited to the wedding, I would suggest declining any offers for showers from them.
    I would certainly do that...but others may be too nice to do that or just not realize that the bridesmaids can't be trusted to stick with the wedding guest list for the shower.
  • Jen4948 said:
    NYCBruin said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Why would the BM invite random people? No, the bride does not need to change her guest list. A fundamental part of the hostess's planning is to be sure no one is invited to a shower that is not invited to the wedding.
    I can think of people who, if asked to be bridesmaids, would do this for reasons only they know of.
    If you know someone would randomly invite people who were not invited to the wedding, I would suggest declining any offers for showers from them.
    I would certainly do that...but others may be too nice to do that or just not realize that the bridesmaids can't be trusted to stick with the wedding guest list for the shower.
    I'm not sure what you're saying, that some people are too nice to decline a shower? 

    If you can't decline a shower you're probably not mature enough to get married.  No thank you isn't a four letter word.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • NYCBruin said:
    Jen4948 said:
    NYCBruin said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Why would the BM invite random people? No, the bride does not need to change her guest list. A fundamental part of the hostess's planning is to be sure no one is invited to a shower that is not invited to the wedding.
    I can think of people who, if asked to be bridesmaids, would do this for reasons only they know of.
    If you know someone would randomly invite people who were not invited to the wedding, I would suggest declining any offers for showers from them.
    I would certainly do that...but others may be too nice to do that or just not realize that the bridesmaids can't be trusted to stick with the wedding guest list for the shower.
    I'm not sure what you're saying, that some people are too nice to decline a shower? 

    If you can't decline a shower you're probably not mature enough to get married.  No thank you isn't a four letter word.
    I think that's a very big stretched-out snotty generalization and not 100% of the time applicable.  Sometimes brides are very mature, and still have trouble declining showers because of pressure and hassle or any other reason.  Not being able to resist it is not always an indication of "immaturity" or "unreadiness for marriage." 

    Or the shower may be a surprise. When showers are surprises (and often they are), the bride can't decline in advance.  In any case, the bride doesn't have control of the guest list, the hostess does.

    And the bridesmaids don't always know who is and isn't on the wedding guest list-and even if they do, they may simply invite non-wedding guests anyway, and the bride wouldn't know it until she showed up.
  • Jen4948 said:

    I think that's a very big stretched-out snotty generalization and not 100% of the time applicable.  Sometimes brides are very mature, and still have trouble declining showers because of pressure and hassle or any other reason.  Not being able to resist it is not always an indication of "immaturity" or "unreadiness for marriage." 

    Or the shower may be a surprise. When showers are surprises (and often they are), the bride can't decline in advance.  In any case, the bride doesn't have control of the guest list, the hostess does.

    And the bridesmaids don't always know who is and isn't on the wedding guest list-and even if they do, they may simply invite non-wedding guests anyway, and the bride wouldn't know it until she showed up.
    I'm not really sure what your point is.

    People are saying that the bride should do her best to make sure that everyone that is on the shower invite list is on the wedding list.  If the hostess goes behind the brides back without the bride's knowledge and invites additional people, of course there's nothing the bride can do about it.  As others have said, in that case, there's no need to invite the extra shower invitees to the wedding and the etiquette faux pas is the hostess's.

    However, if a bride KNOWS that the hostess is planning on inviting people not on the wedding guest list, she should inform the hostess of this and if the hostess insists that the guests be invited to the shower, she should decline the shower.  This is no different than any other wedding-related etiquette breach.  Just because someone else is pressuring the bride to do something rude doesn't make it ok for her to do it.  

    If a bride is incapable of declining a shower where she knows there will be an etiquette breach, then yes, I think she is too immature to get married.  The same way that I would say that a bride who doesn't stand up to parents who insist on a cash bar is probably too immature to get married.  If you can't stand up for yourself (in this case by insisting that parties hosted in your honor follow proper etiquette), you shouldn't get married or you will have people interfering with all sorts of aspects of your marriage.  Wedding planning is a great time to establish boundaries and let people know you're not a doormat. 
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2013
    NYCBruin said:
    Jen4948 said:

    I think that's a very big stretched-out snotty generalization and not 100% of the time applicable.  Sometimes brides are very mature, and still have trouble declining showers because of pressure and hassle or any other reason.  Not being able to resist it is not always an indication of "immaturity" or "unreadiness for marriage." 

    Or the shower may be a surprise. When showers are surprises (and often they are), the bride can't decline in advance.  In any case, the bride doesn't have control of the guest list, the hostess does.

    And the bridesmaids don't always know who is and isn't on the wedding guest list-and even if they do, they may simply invite non-wedding guests anyway, and the bride wouldn't know it until she showed up.
    I'm not really sure what your point is.

    People are saying that the bride should do her best to make sure that everyone that is on the shower invite list is on the wedding list.  If the hostess goes behind the brides back without the bride's knowledge and invites additional people, of course there's nothing the bride can do about it.  As others have said, in that case, there's no need to invite the extra shower invitees to the wedding and the etiquette faux pas is the hostess's.

    However, if a bride KNOWS that the hostess is planning on inviting people not on the wedding guest list, she should inform the hostess of this and if the hostess insists that the guests be invited to the shower, she should decline the shower.  This is no different than any other wedding-related etiquette breach.  Just because someone else is pressuring the bride to do something rude doesn't make it ok for her to do it.  

    If a bride is incapable of declining a shower where she knows there will be an etiquette breach, then yes, I think she is too immature to get married.  The same way that I would say that a bride who doesn't stand up to parents who insist on a cash bar is probably too immature to get married.  If you can't stand up for yourself (in this case by insisting that parties hosted in your honor follow proper etiquette), you shouldn't get married or you will have people interfering with all sorts of aspects of your marriage.  Wedding planning is a great time to establish boundaries and let people know you're not a doormat. 
    I agree with most of this post, but not the last paragraph.

    My point is that "immaturity" is not always the reason why brides can't or don't stand up and put a stop to breaches of etiquette caused by other people at their weddings.  There are other factors, and I'd like to know what they are before labeling someone as "immature" or "not ready to get married," which I think you are too quick to label people as, especially if you don't know the specifics of their lives.  It's not your place to decide who is or isn't ready to get married.
  • Jen4948 said:
    NYCBruin said:
    Jen4948 said:

    I think that's a very big stretched-out snotty generalization and not 100% of the time applicable.  Sometimes brides are very mature, and still have trouble declining showers because of pressure and hassle or any other reason.  Not being able to resist it is not always an indication of "immaturity" or "unreadiness for marriage." 

    Or the shower may be a surprise. When showers are surprises (and often they are), the bride can't decline in advance.  In any case, the bride doesn't have control of the guest list, the hostess does.

    And the bridesmaids don't always know who is and isn't on the wedding guest list-and even if they do, they may simply invite non-wedding guests anyway, and the bride wouldn't know it until she showed up.
    I'm not really sure what your point is.

    People are saying that the bride should do her best to make sure that everyone that is on the shower invite list is on the wedding list.  If the hostess goes behind the brides back without the bride's knowledge and invites additional people, of course there's nothing the bride can do about it.  As others have said, in that case, there's no need to invite the extra shower invitees to the wedding and the etiquette faux pas is the hostess's.

    However, if a bride KNOWS that the hostess is planning on inviting people not on the wedding guest list, she should inform the hostess of this and if the hostess insists that the guests be invited to the shower, she should decline the shower.  This is no different than any other wedding-related etiquette breach.  Just because someone else is pressuring the bride to do something rude doesn't make it ok for her to do it.  

    If a bride is incapable of declining a shower where she knows there will be an etiquette breach, then yes, I think she is too immature to get married.  The same way that I would say that a bride who doesn't stand up to parents who insist on a cash bar is probably too immature to get married.  If you can't stand up for yourself (in this case by insisting that parties hosted in your honor follow proper etiquette), you shouldn't get married or you will have people interfering with all sorts of aspects of your marriage.  Wedding planning is a great time to establish boundaries and let people know you're not a doormat. 
    I agree with most of this post, but not the last paragraph.

    My point is that "immaturity" is not always the reason why brides can't or don't stand up and put a stop to breaches of etiquette caused by other people at their weddings.  There are other factors, and I'd like to know what they are before labeling someone as "immature" or "not ready to get married," which I think you are too quick to label people as, especially if you don't know the specifics of their lives.  It's not your place to decide who is or isn't ready to get married.
    If you can't stand up to someone enough to say "If you insist on inviting people to the shower who are not on the wedding guest list, I'm going to have to decline the shower.  But thank you very much for the offer," how can you possibly stand up to that same person when it comes to other things like raising children, finances, etc?

    And if it's a situation of a touchy relationship, if the hostess is close enough to the bride that she don't want to risk the relationship by declining the shower, then the bride should be able to come to some sort of compromise (like adding the extra people to the wedding guest list).  And if you can't come to a compromise with the person, then see my first point about being able to stand up for you and your future spouse.

    It's incredibly rude to knowingly attend a shower where you KNOW people who won't be invited to the wedding will present with you gifts.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • @Jen4948 - I am really trying not to be mean but do you have trust issues?  Between this thread where you can't seem to trust BMs to not invite random people to a shower and the other thread regarding the kids and not trusting the parents to do their parental duties, I have to say you do or you at least have control issues.  A lot in life you have to leave up to trusting the people you love.  Will the people you love fuck up and do stupid shit from time to time?  Sure, but at some point you just have to let go of the control. You can't always control people to the right thing all the time, even when it comes to your wedding. Someone may have a sneezing fit in the middle of your ceremony and not leave the room.  One of your BMs may invite a friend of theirs a long for the bach party who isn't included on the wedding guest list.  Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches and realize that those small things really do not effect the bigger picture.

    And when shit goes wrong just remember...

    image

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2013
    No, I don't have "trust issues." I just think that real life can be much more complicated than the posters on this board think, and that easy, quick answers and negative labels sometimes, perhaps even often, aren't applicable to actual situations.

    I prefer to reserve judgment and know more about the actual situation rather than being so quick to say "It's so unlikely that X will happen" or "So-and-so is being immature and is not ready to get married" because they might not be ready and able to say no.
  • Jen4948 said:
    No, I don't have "trust issues." I just think that real life can be much more complicated than the posters on this board think, and that easy, quick answers and negative labels sometimes, perhaps even often, aren't applicable to actual situations.

    I prefer to reserve judgment and know more about the actual situation rather than being so quick to say "It's so unlikely that X will happen" or "So-and-so is being immature and is not ready to get married" because they might not be ready and able to say no.
    I'm genuinely curious, what situation are you imagining where someone would have a BM or someone else hosting a bridal shower who INSISTS that people not on the wedding guest list be invited to the shower despite the bride requesting they not be included and the bride not be able to decline the shower?  
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • NYCBruin said:
    Jen4948 said:
    No, I don't have "trust issues." I just think that real life can be much more complicated than the posters on this board think, and that easy, quick answers and negative labels sometimes, perhaps even often, aren't applicable to actual situations.

    I prefer to reserve judgment and know more about the actual situation rather than being so quick to say "It's so unlikely that X will happen" or "So-and-so is being immature and is not ready to get married" because they might not be ready and able to say no.
    I'm genuinely curious, what situation are you imagining where someone would have a BM or someone else hosting a bridal shower who INSISTS that people not on the wedding guest list be invited to the shower despite the bride requesting they not be included and the bride not be able to decline the shower?  
    My own mother has this kind of personality, where I think she can't be counted on to abide by the wishes of people to not do what they don't want her to do.

    She's planned things for me where she didn't take my wishes into account even slightly and it ruined the time for me, and she put me in situations where I had no graceful way to refuse, and some where even when I did try to refuse she ignored me.

    There are plenty of people out there with that type of personality-it's their way or the highway and nobody else fucking matters to them.  Sometimes they can't distinguish between what's in someone else's honor and their own.
  • Well if someone cannot say no to a shower because they do not like how the guest list is being planned then yes, they are immature.  I would also say that anyone who does not feel comfortable using the word no in any circumstance is not grown up enough to be considered an adult thus not ready to get married.  Adults can and should say no when they are placed in a position where they are uncomfortable or not happy.  If they don't and just let others do whatever they want then they are a doormat and will have a very unhappy life rolling over for everyone around them, including their husbands, which I consider a big issue to have.  Yes in a marriage you have to compromise but sometimes you also have to say no and if someone cannot say no to a bridal shower then they are not grown up enough to handle difficult marriage situations.

  • Jen4948 said:

    My own mother has this kind of personality, where I think she can't be counted on to abide by the wishes of people to not do what they don't want her to do.

    She's planned things for me where she didn't take my wishes into account even slightly and it ruined the time for me, and she put me in situations where I had no graceful way to refuse, and some where even when I did try to refuse she ignored me.

    There are plenty of people out there with that type of personality-it's their way or the highway and nobody else fucking matters to them.  Sometimes they can't distinguish between what's in someone else's honor and their own.
    And why couldn't you decline?  "Mom, I won't be attending the shower.  Feel free to throw it, but you'll be the one to have to explain to the guests who show up that the guest of honor won't be showing up"

    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • Well if someone cannot say no to a shower because they do not like how the guest list is being planned then yes, they are immature.  I would also say that anyone who does not feel comfortable using the word no in any circumstance is not grown up enough to be considered an adult thus not ready to get married.  Adults can and should say no when they are placed in a position where they are uncomfortable or not happy.  If they don't and just let others do whatever they want then they are a doormat and will have a very unhappy life rolling over for everyone around them, including their husbands, which I consider a big issue to have.  Yes in a marriage you have to compromise but sometimes you also have to say no and if someone cannot say no to a bridal shower then they are not grown up enough to handle difficult marriage situations.
    And all of this.  If you feel like you have to allow someone to steamroll you, then yes, I think you're not ready to be married.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • NYCBruin said:
    Jen4948 said:

    My own mother has this kind of personality, where I think she can't be counted on to abide by the wishes of people to not do what they don't want her to do.

    She's planned things for me where she didn't take my wishes into account even slightly and it ruined the time for me, and she put me in situations where I had no graceful way to refuse, and some where even when I did try to refuse she ignored me.

    There are plenty of people out there with that type of personality-it's their way or the highway and nobody else fucking matters to them.  Sometimes they can't distinguish between what's in someone else's honor and their own.
    And why couldn't you decline?  "Mom, I won't be attending the shower.  Feel free to throw it, but you'll be the one to have to explain to the guests who show up that the guest of honor won't be showing up"

    I couldn't decline because of location reasons.  It has happened when we were both away from home and it was sprung on me, and I didn't have transportation home.
  • Jen4948 said:
    NYCBruin said:
    Jen4948 said:

    My own mother has this kind of personality, where I think she can't be counted on to abide by the wishes of people to not do what they don't want her to do.

    She's planned things for me where she didn't take my wishes into account even slightly and it ruined the time for me, and she put me in situations where I had no graceful way to refuse, and some where even when I did try to refuse she ignored me.

    There are plenty of people out there with that type of personality-it's their way or the highway and nobody else fucking matters to them.  Sometimes they can't distinguish between what's in someone else's honor and their own.
    And why couldn't you decline?  "Mom, I won't be attending the shower.  Feel free to throw it, but you'll be the one to have to explain to the guests who show up that the guest of honor won't be showing up"

    I couldn't decline because of location reasons.  It has happened when we were both away from home and it was sprung on me, and I didn't have transportation home.
    As PP and myself stated, if the bride didn't know about the invitation faux pas or it was a surprise then it's not on her, it's only the host who is being rude.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • NYCBruin said:
    As PP and myself stated, if the bride didn't know about the invitation faux pas or it was a surprise then it's not on her, it's only the host who is being rude.
    Great.  I think such a person who would do this would be rude no matter what.  Unfortunately, sometimes their true colors don't come out until after they've been asked and agreed to be a bridesmaid, when it's too late not to choose them.
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