Help! Bridesmaid inviting her (not my!) friends in on her dress decision?

Re: Help! Bridesmaid inviting her (not my!) friends in on her dress decision?

• Simply Fated member

  

  August 2013

  It sounds like you're jealous of your bridesmaid's other friend.
  I get where you're coming from. My best friend has this OTHER friend she often chooses to do things with instead of me. Then they post it all over Facebook and I'm expected to "like" the selfies they constantly take together.
  
  Here's the thing... you WON'T be winning her over by "throwing down the gauntlet." You'd be asking her to choose you over her and that's not a good way to open up a dialogue. Ultimatums are no one's friend.
  
  Have you talked to her about how she never invites you to do stuff? Not just wedding stuff.
  Tell her outright that you want to come with her to try on the dresses, even if the other people are there. If she tells you she feels unclmfortable in front of you, discuss why.
  
  Dismissing her as a bridesmaid could end the friendship for good. Think about that carefully before acting out of hurt or rage.

  
  

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• Xstatic3333 member

  

  August 2013

  First, whatever you do don't kick her out! It will end your friendship permanently and make you the bad guy.
  
  Second, I handled my dress situation similarly to how you did and one of my BMs did the same thing. She's local to me, and I would have gone any time she wanted to. I was secretly a little hurt, but didn't say anything. I know she has some body-image issues, and figured she may rather go with someone who isn't "the bride" for less pressure.
  
  Third, you guys may be drifting apart, which is always hard, but it also sounds like your BM is pretty uncomfortable with your dress options. Could you offer to let her wear a slightly longer dress or a shrug if she'd be more comfortable? Or even a matching or coordinating formal outfit with pants? Some other posters have put up beautiful pictures of wedding parties with one or more girl(s) in a pants outfit.
  
  Fourth, this sounds like a friendship where some NWR hangout time is needed. Maybe invite her to coffee and don't bring up the wedding unless she does. See how things go from there.

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• misssunshine17 member

  

  August 2013

  You are overreacting. If others can buy them online, why is it such a big deal to not invite you? She's probably not apologizing since you're being over sensitive. 

  
  

  She sounds like she doesn't like any of your options, so she wanted other opinions and she probably doesn't feel like she can speak freely about it. Once, a bride sent me a link to a dress and said buy this. I hated it, but I kept my mouth shut since it was what she wanted. So just because she doesn't say anything doesn't mean she likes the dresses. 

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• AddieCake member

  

  August 2013

  I don't understand the problem. You're upset b/c she is going shopping with others instead of you? This is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things, and I can't believe you have time to be upset about this. Please go have a margarita. 

  
  

  
  

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• artbyallie mod

  

  August 2013

  Your post makes it sound like you expected to be involved further in choosing dresses in spite of the fact that you gave clear guidelines. Why do you care so much if she takes you with her or not? There's actually not all that much choice at DB that's not strapless anyway, so I don't see what benefit you'd get from micromanaging what dress she decides to get.

  

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• grumbledore member

  

  August 2013

  You gave her options, she doesn't have to bring you with her to pick out the dress.  IMO, this is not worth getting worked up about at all.

  
  

  

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• vk2204 member

  

  August 2013

  You asked her to pick out a dress and this is what she is doing. I don't understand what the problem is here.

   

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  August 2013

  My BM daughter's bride EMAILED her WP only the color and length of their dress from Alfred Angelo and told them to go shop. My daughter invited me and a friend to shop with her. Bride was thrilled. It's all in your perspective. Get over this nothingness.

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• RedJacks25 member

  

  August 2013

  Wow. Overreaction.
  

  

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• itzMS member

  

  August 2013

  By the way you word your OP, it sounds like you don't really care about the bridesmaids dresses...which is great! Too many brides overanalyze their bridesmaid dress selection. 3-4 color choices and any fabric is more than most brides give.

  If I was your friend, I'd just think "Oh, wow, sablearts gave us such loose guidelines in selecting our bridesmaid dress. That's nice of her!! She probably won't want me to worry her with my dress selection"

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  August 2013

  I don't see the problem here.  If you are fine with the other BMs ordering their dresses online without you with them then why does it matter that this one BM decided to make an appointment to try a few dresses on without you?  You gave them parameters to follow and none of those parameters stated that you had to be included when they purchased their dress.

  
  

  Overreaction table for one.

  
  

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• heidirs731 member

  

  August 2013

  
  

  sablearts said:

  Because I have bridesmaids in a lot of different financial positions and different body-types, I am trying to make their dresses very simple for them to find something they want - each one has 3-4 David's color names to choose from and can pick just about any dress as long as it's knee-length and not strapless. Most of them are purchasing their dresses online and there's been lots of back and forth between them and me and eachother about which dress who is purchasing.

  
  

  I found out today that one of my bm's made plans to go try on bridesmaid dresses for my wedding... with her mom, her sister, and a friend of hers who I have never met who she often chooses to hang out with instead of hanging out with me. She didn't even TELL me about it until I quizzed her about when and where she was getting her dress.

  
  

  This bm and I were close in college but it's been years since she's invited me to do anything etc, the invites always come from me. She is also very "young" for her age though and almost always clueless about things.

  
  

   I am extremely hurt, though, because when I told her how upset it made me to not be included at all - let alone told before these other people! - in her dress apointment, and she didn't even apologize. She just went off about how uncomfortable wearing a dress makes her and how she had to go with them because she "promised" them already.

  
  

  Anyone have any advice for me? I am beside myself and have no clue whether I should just ignore it and file it under "good to know," go back to her and ask her to cancel that appointment (feels like throwing down a gauntlet), or maybe even dismiss her as a bridesmaid (She didn't even apologize/seem to care that I was hurt! What else is she going to hijack about my wedding preparations?)

  Please don't make this about the dress or the wedding, because it isn't. You gave clear guidelines about how your BM should choose a dress, and you weren't upset that everyone else bought their dresses online and didn't schedule an appointment for you to see. Your friend did not have to tell you she had booked an appointment with other people. You do not have to be there.

  
  

  Go back through and read your post carefully. You're clearly upset that this friend and you are not hanging out enough and that she's choosing to hang with other people besides you. This has nothing to do with your wedding.

  
  

  It seems you and your friend and drifting apart, and while that is hurtful, there's nothing you can do to force things to change. Confronting her about it or "throwing down the gauntlet" is only going to make things worse, and it's not going to make her want to hang out with you more.

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• delujm0 member

  

  August 2013

  Clearly you're just upset that she's hanging out with someone other than you, because you didn't seem to care that the other bridesmaids were ordering dresses online or without you in attendance.

   

  If your relationship is rocky, you shouldn't have invited her to be a BM.  Or, you could always be an adult and try to have a mature conversation with her about how you feel that she is drifting away from you and you want to work harder at your friendship outside the context of your wedding.

   

  If you'd sooner kick her out of your wedding party than have a mature conversation with her about your relationship, it's probably for the best that the friendship will end.

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• phira member

  

  August 2013

  Wow. I don't want to sound mean here because I don't want you to go on auto-defensive. But how is this even a problem?

  
  

  You asked your bridesmaids to select a dress from David's Bridal that was knee-length, not strapless, and in one of 4 color options. She is doing exactly what you asked her to do.

  
  

  You say you're upset because she's hijacking your wedding preparations. How is that the case? Because she's getting opinions from other people? Because you believe that if she was going to go dress shopping in the store, she should have asked you to go?

  
  

  You're welcome to feel bummed out that she didn't invite you to go with her, but you need to recognize that your friend, even though you're drifting apart, is doing EXACTLY what you asked her to do. Shopping for the dress in person, with her mother and other people in her circles makes sense, given that you say she's uncomfortable wearing dresses. In fact, that's the kind of behavior I'd expect from a friend who really cared about picking a great dress for your wedding.

  
  

  Apologize to your friend, tell her you can't wait to see the dress she picked out, and ask her how things are going unrelated to the wedding.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• doeydo member

  

  August 2013

  I don't understand why you are upset.  You told your bridesmaids to shop for and pick out their own dresses with certain limitations.  She did that.  There was no need to bring you because you removed yourself from the bridesmaids' dress shopping. 

  
  

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