Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion

just the two of us...well, here anyway

beingwyrdbeingwyrd member
10 Comments First Anniversary
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi, 

The fiance and I are going to get married in savannah and it will just be the two of us for financial and family drama reasons. Someone had mentioned having a private ceremony and then sometime later having a reception at home but the finance thought that would be rude. So here is the idea that i to ask about: instead of sending a save the date invite to friends and family i want to basically send announcements and an invitation to join us in spirit at the date/time of the ceremony, to think of us and send  a little prayer, that we'd love to have everyone there but since we can't we want them there in spirit and send a bell or bubbles like people would ring/blow as the couple leaves the ceremony. The fiance thinks it is rude to tell people in advance that we are getting married but not inviting them (or anyone) but  *I* think it is actually better than an invite because they don't need to get a present or dress up or anything. Anyone, i was told to ask what other folks thought:is it rude or thoughtful?

Thanks,
Maggie
Report Reply to Post

Re: just the two of us...well, here anyway

  • WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Normally announcements are sent right after you get married, either later that day or the next.  I would see this as being very confusing for lots of people.  I think many would see it either as an invite and start making plans, or as a "you're not invited" card, which is rude.  I know that's not your intention, but people might see it as that.  

    I vote for having your ceremony and sending out announcements after if you are wanting to.  Have a celebration after as well, if you both decide that is what you want (but no wedding stuff - dress, bouquet toss, etc.).  I wonder though about your family drama and finances.  Wouldn't you get similar problems with the after party as well, not to mention the cost of the party??

    Report Reply
  • beingwyrdbeingwyrd member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    Yes, which is why we probably won't do the after party either. I thought this would be a way to include people who want to participate even if we aren't all in the same room. Sort of like a "Share the Moment" rather than "Save The Date"
    Report Reply
  • amalamaamalama member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments 5 Love Its
    I can't really see this going over well. The people who will really care to do something like this are probably the people who would have wanted to be there and might be hurt. And people who wouldn't have cared to come probably also won't be into something like that.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Report Reply
  • beingwyrdbeingwyrd member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    i guess my thinking is that it is better to give the people who would have wanted to be there a chance to not just hear about it afterward. like, i dunno, hearing "hey guess what we got married!" would be more disappointing to me than "hey, we'd love to have a big thing but can't and we still want you to know we are thinking about you while we do this" almost like a "wish you were here"? im told im a weird girl so maybe this is one of those times. 
    Report Reply
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    beingwyrd said:
    i guess my thinking is that it is better to give the people who would have wanted to be there a chance to not just hear about it afterward. like, i dunno, hearing "hey guess what we got married!" would be more disappointing to me than "hey, we'd love to have a big thing but can't and we still want you to know we are thinking about you while we do this" almost like a "wish you were here"? im told im a weird girl so maybe this is one of those times. 
    The bolded is the exact purpose of announcements: To tell people afterward that the wedding took place.  Sending announcements before the wedding alienates people, even with the best of intentions, because it can come off as "nya, nya, we're doing this but you're not invited," to those who receive them.   So it's not advised.
    Report Reply
  • orb30orb30 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Maggie- I actually kind of like the idea of "sharing the moment"... it's very endearing!  But I do also see the opposing point. I guess my advice would be to find a happy medium between the two! Maybe just "share the moment" with your closest loved ones and then send announcements to the big group after... just a thought!
    Report Reply
  • clg1213clg1213 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper

    Honestly, I'd find the un-invite fairly rude.  I'd feel hurt, like I'm not good enough to come but I'm good enough to send positive thoughts.  The hurt might be less if I knew it was truly just the two of you, but it'd still rub me the wrong way.  I'd also feel like it was just a way of fishing for a gift.

     

    I'd go with the announcements, including the "private ceremony" info.  I do get a wee bit of the fishing feeling here too but not nearly as much as the prior situation. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm going to have to agree with your fiance. It does come across as, "This is what we're going to do, but you're not invited."

    If people want to come, they want to come. As in, be there in person. Not be told they can't be there, but can be there in spirit.
    It's more than fine to not invite them, but it's not cool to rub it in their faces that they won't be invited.

    My favorite way to go about it? Word of mouth. You don't need to send a generic letter to everyone telling them what you're going to do. But if they care enough about you to care that you got married, then call them up. What's wrong with, "Guess what? I got married!"? Good news is good news. Think about it. Would you rather your best friend call you and tell you she had a baby or would you rather receive a generic card informing everyone of the upcoming birth?
    image
    Report Reply
  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This is really rude. If people care about you, they want to see you get married, not be told in advance you don't want them there, but you do want them supporting you, and many will find it gift-grabby.

    Your best bet is to treat this as an elopement. Don't discuss it with everyone ahead of time, you obviously won't be having any pre-wedding parties etc, just go and get married. Let people think that rather than deliberately excluding them, you were swept up by the magic of savannah and just couldn't wait. After you're married, I'd call your closest loved ones and send everyone an announcement.
    Report Reply
  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Look, there is just no way to make people feel included in an event to which they are not invited. Send your announcements after the fact and leave it at that.

    "Beingwyrd and Spouse were married in a private ceremony on such-and-such date." The location is entirely optional and can be just the city or state, since this is not an invitation.
    image
    Report Reply
  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    beingwyrd said:
    Hi, 

    The fiance and I are going to get married in savannah and it will just be the two of us for financial and family drama reasons. Someone had mentioned having a private ceremony and then sometime later having a reception at home but the finance thought that would be rude. So here is the idea that i to ask about: instead of sending a save the date invite to friends and family i want to basically send announcements and an invitation to join us in spirit at the date/time of the ceremony, to think of us and send  a little prayer, that we'd love to have everyone there but since we can't we want them there in spirit and send a bell or bubbles like people would ring/blow as the couple leaves the ceremony. The fiance thinks it is rude to tell people in advance that we are getting married but not inviting them (or anyone) but  *I* think it is actually better than an invite because they don't need to get a present or dress up or anything. Anyone, i was told to ask what other folks thought:is it rude or thoughtful?

    Thanks,
    Maggie
    I'm in Camp Rude. Even though your intentions are genuine, this comes off as a "you're not invited" announcement. And really, it is. You're telling them you're getting married, but they're not invited. If I received something like this, I'd be really disappointed and feel hurt. 

    It's fine to send announcements. These are usually sent immediately after you get married - NOT before. 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    Report Reply
  • AbbyjensenAbbyjensen member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Ditto Pp, send announcements afterwards. I think sending it beforehand would be confusing.
    Report Reply
  • harper0813harper0813 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    It will be a total waste of money. People are going to blow them at their dogs instead. I would.

    Explain to your nearest and dearest that the ceremony is private, should they ask. Send announcements after the ceremony.
    Report Reply
  • WonderRedWonderRed member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited August 2013
    We just scrapped our November wedding and are eloping in two weeks.  I wouldn't be comfortable doing what you are thinking of doing.   It's confusing.   We're sending announcements from the town where we are doing it the day of.
    Report Reply
  • TiaTeaTiaTea member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    I disagree with the "un-vite" or "un-invite" comments, because to "un-do" something, you have to do it first. So to "un-invite" them , you have to invite them first.

    Regardelss of that, it will be really confusing for the recepients. Just imagine it in writing:
    It's not an "invitation", it's not an "announcement" ...What would you call it?
    It comes out something like "FYI"  or "heads up " . Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? 
    If you want somebody to know in advance , like for example your parents, or grandparents  , who live overseas, you should call them in person and tell them the exciting news about your decision. Don't tell in advance to people who are not very close.
    Report Reply
  • msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    I probably wouldn't do it. It will be very confusing.

     

    I got one of these non-invitations to a wedding in Las Vegas and was hours away from booking a last minute flight to find out we weren't actually invited, they were eloping. But, we could watch it online if we wanted. There were some people who had booked a flight then had to cancel them based on the same confusion. Just send an announcement after the fact.

    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
    Report Reply
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I get the sentiment you are going for, but I wouldn't do it. I agree, it comes off as a, "here's what we're doing, but you can't come".

    Send an announcement after.

    If you are close enough to these people to want them there in spirit, then would they not already know long in advance that you are having a private ceremony, what day and what time? Many of my family, friends, and acquaintances have asked over time how the planning is going. In your case it would be easy to say, "FH and I have chosen to have a private ceremony, just the two of us, and we are looking forward to it". They will know. 

    If they aren't close enough to know that, they probably aren't the people who would participate and would be better to receive an announcement afterwards. 
    Report Reply
  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    TiaTea said:
    I disagree with the "un-vite" or "un-invite" comments, because to "un-do" something, you have to do it first. So to "un-invite" them , you have to invite them first.

    Regardelss of that, it will be really confusing for the recepients. Just imagine it in writing:
    It's not an "invitation", it's not an "announcement" ...What would you call it?
    It comes out something like "FYI"  or "heads up " . Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? 
    If you want somebody to know in advance , like for example your parents, or grandparents  , who live overseas, you should call them in person and tell them the exciting news about your decision. Don't tell in advance to people who are not very close.
    No. If you invite someone and change your mind, you are disinviting them.

    Uninvited means they were never invited in the first place. It is usually not used as a verb. Unless you do what OP is thinking of doing, and send out a notice saying, "You're not invited but please put this date on your calendar and make me the focus of your attention for a bit even though I don't want you there."

    That is uninviting someone. And it's ridiculous.





    Anniversary
    image

    image
    Report Reply
  • MayDay513MayDay513 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments 5 Answers First Anniversary
    TiaTea said:
    I disagree with the "un-vite" or "un-invite" comments, because to "un-do" something, you have to do it first. So to "un-invite" them , you have to invite them first.

    Regardelss of that, it will be really confusing for the recepients. Just imagine it in writing:
    It's not an "invitation", it's not an "announcement" ...What would you call it?
    It comes out something like "FYI"  or "heads up " . Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? 
    If you want somebody to know in advance , like for example your parents, or grandparents  , who live overseas, you should call them in person and tell them the exciting news about your decision. Don't tell in advance to people who are not very close.
    a "DISINVITE" by definition is to withdraw or cancel an invitation.
    Report Reply
  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Combo Breaker
    huynhette said:
    TiaTea said:
    I disagree with the "un-vite" or "un-invite" comments, because to "un-do" something, you have to do it first. So to "un-invite" them , you have to invite them first.

    Regardelss of that, it will be really confusing for the recepients. Just imagine it in writing:
    It's not an "invitation", it's not an "announcement" ...What would you call it?
    It comes out something like "FYI"  or "heads up " . Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? 
    If you want somebody to know in advance , like for example your parents, or grandparents  , who live overseas, you should call them in person and tell them the exciting news about your decision. Don't tell in advance to people who are not very close.
    a "DISINVITE" by definition is to withdraw or cancel an invitation.
    FTR: uninvite and disinvite are the same thing: its extending and intive and then retracting it .
    Anniversary
    image
    Report Reply
  • MayDay513MayDay513 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments 5 Answers First Anniversary
    smalfrie19 said:
    huynhette said:
    TiaTea said:
    I disagree with the "un-vite" or "un-invite" comments, because to "un-do" something, you have to do it first. So to "un-invite" them , you have to invite them first.

    Regardelss of that, it will be really confusing for the recepients. Just imagine it in writing:
    It's not an "invitation", it's not an "announcement" ...What would you call it?
    It comes out something like "FYI"  or "heads up " . Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? 
    If you want somebody to know in advance , like for example your parents, or grandparents  , who live overseas, you should call them in person and tell them the exciting news about your decision. Don't tell in advance to people who are not very close.
    a "DISINVITE" by definition is to withdraw or cancel an invitation.
    FTR: uninvite and disinvite are the same thing: its extending and intive and then retracting it .
    Disinvite - http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/disinvite Like what I said
    Uninvite - http://www.thefreedictionary.com/uninvited

    Example: An uninvited guest, is someone who was not invited. They could also have been disinvited, or they could have been like crazy ass Jashley who was never invited in the first place trying to be an uninvited guest.

    I am sorry to thread jack. OP send announcements. If you want friends and family to share in your special moment, then you should invite them. :)
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards