un-inviting a bridesmaid to be part of the wedding??! help!!!

Re: un-inviting a bridesmaid to be part of the wedding??! help!!!

• TheBaysideBride member

  

  August 2013

  Talk to her about your friendship in general, and take it from here. Ask if she still feels like she can stand up with you and support you.

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• WinstonsGirl member

  

  August 2013

  
  

  sarahmarie409 said:

  dear knot brides I need help!

  one of my bridesmaids is one of my best friends from college and we have been SO close since graduating so when I got engaged she was the first person I called and asked to be a BM..unfortunately we currently live across the country from each other and she hadn't met my FH yet...shortly afterwards she took a weekend trip to stay with us and wanted me all to herself...had no interest in getting to know the man I am going to marry and at the end of her stay we got into a huge fight in front of FH...she said she likes me better single and that I shouldn't rush into getting married! she ended up apologizing for her outburst but it has been a few months and things have not been the same between us ever since and my fiancé obviously felt really awkward... with the wedding getting closer I almost feel uncomfortable with her standing up there with me after her reaction to FH...should I ask her not to be a bridesmaid but still come to the wedding?? I know that is super rude and I have no clue how I would go about it...or should I just leave it be and get over it??? advice would be much appreciated!

  Asking her to not be a BM in your wedding is a friendship ending move.  Are you wanting to still be friends with her after the wedding??  If yes, then kicking her out will not help in that respect.  My MOH lives across the country from me.  I think she had only met DH once before we got engaged.  She may have a lot going on in her life, or be realizing that your relationship with her will change now that you are getting married.  I'd talk to her about her, not your wedding and see how she is doing.  But don't kick her out unless you want to end the friendship
  

  
  

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• GlassButton member

  

  August 2013

  Unfortunately you should just suck it up. If you take her out of the bridal party it will end your friendship with her. Think this clearly.
  
  Just try to let it go. I know it's hard, but on the day of your wedding I doubt you'll be thinking about her, but rather the man your going to be marrying.

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• KeptInStitches member

  

  August 2013

  Work on the friendship. I only met the groom at the rehearsal for a wedding I was in. It's fine.

  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  August 2013 edited August 2013

  My BM - a really close friend from high school, who has been living 8+ hours away from me for the past 8 years - hasn't met my FH yet. She'll meet him the day before we get married. I concur with PPs. Work on your friendship.

  
  

  edited for clarity.

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• ashleyep member

  

  August 2013

  I don't think the issue here is that she had never met the groom before - the issue seems to be that she's not supporting her friend, the bride, in her marriage. Which kind of defeats the purpose of standing up with you at your wedding. 

  
  

  OP, find out if she said it out of frustration. If she flew out to spend the weekend with you and couldn't get any alone time with you she may have just been upset. You were probably on different pages about the point of the trip. Maybe you thought she should spend time getting to know her FI and she wanted to spend her weekend with you.

  
  

  If you kick her out, it's likely to end your friendship. But if she's really not supporting your marriage (and it doesn't really seem that way to me) then maybe she's not a friend you want in your life anyway. That's up to you to decide, but before you kick her out you should definitely have a conversation with her.

  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  August 2013

  It sounds to me like you both had different expectations for this visit. She thought she was coming to have girl time and you thought she should spend the time with your FH getting to know him. You were both hurt and got in a fight about it. 

  
  

  Kicking her out of your wedding WILL end your friendship. Is that really what you want? Over something like this?

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• sarahmarie409 member

  

  August 2013

  @ashleyep

  that is exactly the point...it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she had not met him yet it was much more the fact that she told me I was making a mistake by getting married in the first place.. in front of him.. I just want everyone in our wedding to be happy for us and happy to be a part of our celebration ...I don't want people up there with me that don't approve of our decision...which is why I don't really know what to do.

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• ashleyep member

  

  August 2013 edited August 2013

  sarahmarie409 said:

  @ashleyep

  that is exactly the point...it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she had not met him yet it was much more the fact that she told me I was making a mistake by getting married in the first place.. in front of him.. I just want everyone in our wedding to be happy for us and happy to be a part of our celebration ...I don't want people up there with me that don't approve of our decision...which is why I don't really know what to do.

  You need to call her and talk about the fight. I have one girlfriend with whom I'll get in a bit of a fight, we don't talk for, like, a week, and then we basically pretend it never happened. That's not really healthy, especially if it's affecting your relationship months later. Talk to her and then decide what you want to do.

  

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• phira member

  

  August 2013

  Your best friend from college flew across the country to spend time with you. You got into a fight with her in front of your fiance, which she later apologized for.

  
  

  What's she done wrong here?

  
  

  Look, I get it--you want your best friends to really like your fiance, and you want them to be really happy that you're marrying him. But keep in mind that friendship is not transitive: your friend is not wrong or weird if she loves you but doesn't feel any which way about your fiance. Just because you love him to pieces doesn't mean that 1) she has to, or that 2) she has to in order to be happy for you.

  
  

  You don't say anything about what the fight was about, just that she eventually said that she thought you were rushing into marriage, and that you were embarrassed because the fight occurred in front of your fiance. I'm guessing the fight was over how you thought she needed to spend more time with you and your fiance as a couple, getting to know your fiance, and she was really tired of feeling that pressure. Have you apologized?

  
  As for, "I'm so embarrassed because we fought in front of my fiance and it was awkward," get over it. You're going to end a friendship because you had a fight with her that made your fiance feel awkward? What?

  
  

  Firing a bridesmaid is a friendship ending move. The only instance where some posters may tell you it's okay is if she's been physically violent or made threats, or something like that. Otherwise, unless you're prepared to lose her as a friend, get over it, be happy that she's still your friend enough to stand up with you, and thank her for flying all the way out to your wedding.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• itzMS member

  

  August 2013

  But she apologized. NBD.

  It sounds to me like she's just a little jealous of you and is probably embarrassed about it. She doesn't know your FI, so she obviously has no clue if you're "rushing" things or not...so take what she said in the outburst with a grain of salt and move on.

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• schellzinator member

  

  August 2013

  I agree with PP. I'd be disappointed too if I flew all the way across the country to spend time with my best friend who I never see and then was stuck spending it with my BFF and her FI. She apologized - accept the apology and move on.

  
  

  I don't think you should be embarrassed because you had a fight in front of your FI. I'm sure he understands - and hopefully he was there to support you through it (and tell you if you were out of line). My FI KNOWS if I have a fight with my friend because he is my confidante - the first one I tell everything to - so if the fight happened to happen in front of him - it is one less thing I have to tell him.

  
  

  Lastly, I did have an issue earlier this month - where I heard through the grapevine that one of gfs from home didn't support my marriage due to the fact that my FI got into an argument with an acquaintance of mine from high school when they first met. I felt the same way you did - I did not want to have someone at our wedding who did not support my marriage. So I got on the horn and called her to talk it out. All is well - and the misunderstanding was cleared up. If you can't accept her apology, I suggest you do something similar - call your BFF and discuss the situation like adults. Don't let it ruin your friendship.

  

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• phira member

  

  August 2013

  I want to add that my best friend from college recently moved nearby after living halfway across the country. We'd both helped each other through bad break-ups, but she's still single and I'm about to get engaged (which she knows about). She gets along really well with my partner, but I ALWAYS let her know that if she wants to hang out with me one-on-one without my partner, I will never be offended, and neither will he.

  
  

  Sometimes, we just want to hang out with our friends. It's one thing to say, "I don't like your partner/fiance/spouse, and I don't approve of your relationship." It's another to say, "I'm so happy for you, and they seem great, but can we just spend some time together like we used to?"

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• TeddiD34 member

  

  August 2013

  PPs are right. If you're ready to be done with her, "kick" her out; if you want to remain friends, keep her in your WP.
  

   

   

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• BrandNewJ member

  

  August 2013

  I don't think the issue here is that she had never met the groom before - the issue seems to be that she's not supporting her friend, the bride, in her marriage. Which kind of defeats the purpose of standing up with you at your wedding. 

  
  

  OP, find out if she said it out of frustration. If she flew out to spend the weekend with you and couldn't get any alone time with you she may have just been upset. You were probably on different pages about the point of the trip. Maybe you thought she should spend time getting to know her FI and she wanted to spend her weekend with you.

  
  

  If you kick her out, it's likely to end your friendship. But if she's really not supporting your marriage (and it doesn't really seem that way to me) then maybe she's not a friend you want in your life anyway. That's up to you to decide, but before you kick her out you should definitely have a conversation with her.

  This. If she's never met him before, he isn't the problem. She's just sad she's losing her friend, and since she's never met him, it's seemingly out of nowhere. Try being her friend first and let her know that just because you're getting married doesn't mean you've changed, and that you'll always be her friend.

  

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• Simply Fated member

  

  August 2013

  southernbelle0915 said:

  It sounds to me like you both had different expectations for this visit. She thought she was coming to have girl time and you thought she should spend the time with your FH getting to know him. You were both hurt and got in a fight about it. 

  
  

  Kicking her out of your wedding WILL end your friendship. Is that really what you want? Over something like this?

  cosigned.
  
  It sounds like she said things out of anger or frustration. Maybe both.
  
  Give her a call and talk to her about it. If you guys are friends, then one misunderstanding shouldn't end it all.
  

  
  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  August 2013

  Are you the first of your friends getting married?  It can be a hard adjustment to go from just having your friend to having your friend and her FI/H.  There is always an adjustment period when life starts changing.  And it will change again when the first of your friends (or you) has a baby.  I think its very important to have alone time with just the girls and group time.  My friend, who is a mom, often tells us when she needs a night out without the kids or H.  When we schedule our birthday dinners, we will decide just the girls or guys too.  Maybe it will make scheduling harder when there are larger groups or kids come along, but if you all work towards the friendship, it will maintain.

  I think you need to call up your friend and discuss calmly the source of the fight between you and her.  She apologized.  You probably should have too. 

  

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