Budget/Etiquette-- rant

Abbyjensen · August 2013

Budget is never, ever, ever a reason to breach etiquette.

Rant: I have gone to several weddings lately for couples with limited budgets. I understand having a budget, really, I do. It's never a reason to treat your guests poorly. I know that some people think that the wedding is about the bride and groom, but really, if you care enough about people to want them there, you should care enough about them to treat them well. I think the ceremony is pretty much about the bride and groom (who care if they don't like your vows?) but the reception is really hosting an event for the guests.

1. If you want to have a cake/punch reception, don't JUST have cake/punch. Have cake, apps, and a variety of snacks. Your wedding should be between 2-5, or after 8.

2. If you want to make food yourself, don't do it if you have more than 50-60 people coming. It's reasonable to cook for that many people. Don't serve your guests cold or measly food because you wanted to make it yourself.

3. Don't invite people to only part of the wedding. If they are invited to the ceremony, invite them to the whole reception, and don't invite people after dinner.

4. It's better to cut your guest list and do it right than to have a large guest list and treat everyone poorly.

5. Absolutely do not use bridal party and family as servants. Yes, it's okay for them to do small helpful tasks if they offer. I went to a wedding where the groom's mother spent the whole time refilling food and drinks on the buffet table. I felt so sorry for her not getting to enjoy her child's wedding. Yes, people are willing to do stuff like that sometimes, but treat people better than making them unpaid servers.

6. I don't mind an outdoor, super casual, BBQ type reception. I still hate having to wait an hour for food, I still don't like flies getting on my food, and I still need somewhere to sit. One grill or one buffet table is not enough for 200 guests. 100 chairs is not enough chairs for 200 guests.

If you need to cut your budget, don't do it at the expense of your guests. It's okay to just invite 20 people to your wedding. It's okay to not give +1 to truly single guests. It's okay to serve hamburgers and potato salad. It's okay to not have chair covers or uplighting. It's okay to have your wedding in a church gym or rec center.

I THOUGHT these were basic, common sense type of things, but after all the weddings I've gone to like this, I needed to say something.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

Serious, not snarky, question: if you are having a mid-afternoon wedding and reception, is there anything wrong with offering just cake, punch, butter mints, and mixed nuts at your reception?

Otherwise you're preaching to the choir around here, for the most part.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

Abbyjensen said:

Budget is never, ever, ever a reason to breach etiquette.

Rant: I have gone to several weddings lately for couples with limited budgets. I understand having a budget, really, I do. It's never a reason to treat your guests poorly. I know that some people think that the wedding is about the bride and groom, but really, if you care enough about people to want them there, you should care enough about them to treat them well. I think the ceremony is pretty much about the bride and groom (who care if they don't like your vows?) but the reception is really hosting an event for the guests.

1. If you want to have a cake/punch reception, don't JUST have cake/punch. Have cake, apps, and a variety of snacks. Your wedding should be between 2-5, or after 8.

2. If you want to make food yourself, don't do it if you have more than 50-60 people coming. It's reasonable to cook for that many people. Don't serve your guests cold or measly food because you wanted to make it yourself.

3. Don't invite people to only part of the wedding. If they are invited to the ceremony, invite them to the whole reception, and don't invite people after dinner.

4. It's better to cut your guest list and do it right than to have a large guest list and treat everyone poorly.

5. Absolutely do not use bridal party and family as servants. Yes, it's okay for them to do small helpful tasks if they offer. I went to a wedding where the groom's mother spent the whole time refilling food and drinks on the buffet table. I felt so sorry for her not getting to enjoy her child's wedding. Yes, people are willing to do stuff like that sometimes, but treat people better than making them unpaid servers.

6. I don't mind an outdoor, super casual, BBQ type reception. I still hate having to wait an hour for food, I still don't like flies getting on my food, and I still need somewhere to sit. One grill or one buffet table is not enough for 200 guests. 100 chairs is not enough chairs for 200 guests.

If you need to cut your budget, don't do it at the expense of your guests. It's okay to just invite 20 people to your wedding. It's okay to not give +1 to truly single guests. It's okay to serve hamburgers and potato salad. It's okay to not have chair covers or uplighting. It's okay to have your wedding in a church gym or rec center.

I THOUGHT these were basic, common sense type of things, but after all the weddings I've gone to like this, I needed to say something.

To the bolded - this is the bottom line. Often when people breach etiquette it's either money saving or money grubbing:

potluck reception - money saving

honeymoon jar - money grubbing

cash bar - money saving

not enough chairs/tables/food etc - money saving

treating WP/family like servants - money saving

dollar dance - money grubbing

not inviting guests' SOs - money saving

tiered receptions - money saving

not serving a meal at meal time - money saving

putting registry info on invitations - money grubbing

and the list goes on...

LDubHawksFan · August 2013

I agree with everything but the first. If the wedding is smack dab between lunch and dinner, I would not mind just cake and punch. I think apps or cheese/veggie platters are a great addition but not necessary. I do think the invitation should specify though: cake and punch immediately to follow.

astimmel · August 2013

Abbyjensen said:

Budget is never, ever, ever a reason to breach etiquette.

Rant: I have gone to several weddings lately for couples with limited budgets. I understand having a budget, really, I do. It's never a reason to treat your guests poorly. I know that some people think that the wedding is about the bride and groom, but really, if you care enough about people to want them there, you should care enough about them to treat them well. I think the ceremony is pretty much about the bride and groom (who care if they don't like your vows?) but the reception is really hosting an event for the guests.

1. If you want to have a cake/punch reception, don't JUST have cake/punch. Have cake, apps, and a variety of snacks. Your wedding should be between 2-5, or after 8.

2. If you want to make food yourself, don't do it if you have more than 50-60 people coming. It's reasonable to cook for that many people. Don't serve your guests cold or measly food because you wanted to make it yourself.

3. Don't invite people to only part of the wedding. If they are invited to the ceremony, invite them to the whole reception, and don't invite people after dinner.

4. It's better to cut your guest list and do it right than to have a large guest list and treat everyone poorly.

5. Absolutely do not use bridal party and family as servants. Yes, it's okay for them to do small helpful tasks if they offer. I went to a wedding where the groom's mother spent the whole time refilling food and drinks on the buffet table. I felt so sorry for her not getting to enjoy her child's wedding. Yes, people are willing to do stuff like that sometimes, but treat people better than making them unpaid servers.

6. I don't mind an outdoor, super casual, BBQ type reception. I still hate having to wait an hour for food, I still don't like flies getting on my food, and I still need somewhere to sit. One grill or one buffet table is not enough for 200 guests. 100 chairs is not enough chairs for 200 guests.

If you need to cut your budget, don't do it at the expense of your guests. It's okay to just invite 20 people to your wedding. It's okay to not give +1 to truly single guests. It's okay to serve hamburgers and potato salad. It's okay to not have chair covers or uplighting. It's okay to have your wedding in a church gym or rec center.

I THOUGHT these were basic, common sense type of things, but after all the weddings I've gone to like this, I needed to say something.

I like you.

WildMagelet · August 2013

KeptInStitches said:

Serious, not snarky, question: if you are having a mid-afternoon wedding and reception, is there anything wrong with offering just cake, punch, butter mints, and mixed nuts at your reception?

Otherwise you're preaching to the choir around here, for the most part.

I don't think so but as a guest I would prefer something a little more substantial than just dessert. I likely had lunch/dinner before getting ready for the wedding so by the reception rolls around its probably been a few hours since I've eaten. I do think that a fruit/veggie tray and possibly some cheese and crackers are an inexpensive way to allow your guests to snack on something more and adds just enough variety to appease most palates.

APDSS22 · August 2013

Apparently common sense is not very common...

MayDay513 · August 2013

I'm definitely the A-hole that shows up at weddings, and if there is no food and just desserts, I will be the first one to straight up ask "where's the nearest Mcdonalds?"

I definitely get the whole non-meal time thing. But just the way I was brought up with our family and circle, birthday, wedding, shower, family gathering = ton of food, eat til you die fest. So when it comes to like these things that have no food, it just seems really weird to me.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

Fair enough, just checking. Thanks, @flutterbride2b, @alisonmarie68, and @lwoehlk.

ElcaB · August 2013

Abbyjensen said:

Budget is never, ever, ever a reason to breach etiquette.

Rant: I have gone to several weddings lately for couples with limited budgets. I understand having a budget, really, I do. It's never a reason to treat your guests poorly. I know that some people think that the wedding is about the bride and groom, but really, if you care enough about people to want them there, you should care enough about them to treat them well. I think the ceremony is pretty much about the bride and groom (who care if they don't like your vows?) but the reception is really hosting an event for the guests.

1. If you want to have a cake/punch reception, don't JUST have cake/punch. Have cake, apps, and a variety of snacks. Your wedding should be between 2-5, or after 8.

2. If you want to make food yourself, don't do it if you have more than 50-60 people coming. It's reasonable to cook for that many people. Don't serve your guests cold or measly food because you wanted to make it yourself.

3. Don't invite people to only part of the wedding. If they are invited to the ceremony, invite them to the whole reception, and don't invite people after dinner.

4. It's better to cut your guest list and do it right than to have a large guest list and treat everyone poorly.

5. Absolutely do not use bridal party and family as servants. Yes, it's okay for them to do small helpful tasks if they offer. I went to a wedding where the groom's mother spent the whole time refilling food and drinks on the buffet table. I felt so sorry for her not getting to enjoy her child's wedding. Yes, people are willing to do stuff like that sometimes, but treat people better than making them unpaid servers.

6. I don't mind an outdoor, super casual, BBQ type reception. I still hate having to wait an hour for food, I still don't like flies getting on my food, and I still need somewhere to sit. One grill or one buffet table is not enough for 200 guests. 100 chairs is not enough chairs for 200 guests.

If you need to cut your budget, don't do it at the expense of your guests. It's okay to just invite 20 people to your wedding. It's okay to not give +1 to truly single guests. It's okay to serve hamburgers and potato salad. It's okay to not have chair covers or uplighting. It's okay to have your wedding in a church gym or rec center.

I THOUGHT these were basic, common sense type of things, but after all the weddings I've gone to like this, I needed to say something.

I think you're right about some things, but not about others. For instance, there's nothing wrong with just cake at a cake & punch reception. If that's what you're told to expect, appreciate what is being offered. You're a grown-up and perfectly capable of feeding yourself prior to the event.

Secondly, self-catering is still possible with more people, provided a person has the proper equipment & know-how to pull it off. I've been to several self-catered receptions for 100+ guests that provided food far superior to typical, professionally catered wedding food. It was served at the proper temperature, too.

STARMOON44 · August 2013

Just cake and punch is fine. And asking where McDonalds is because you desperately need a meal at 2pm is crazy rude. Eat your cake, drink your punch, congratulate the happy couple and leave.

MayDay513 · August 2013

STARMOON44 said:

Just cake and punch is fine. And asking where McDonalds is because you desperately need a meal at 2pm is crazy rude. Eat your cake, drink your punch, congratulate the happy couple and leave.

You are totally right. My bad. My comment was totally off topic. The only cake, dessert, punch wedding I have attended, the ceremony started at 6:30. However, if it was at 2pm I understand how this is appropriate etiquette wise.

Abbyjensen · August 2013

I think you're right about some things, but not about others. For instance, there's nothing wrong with just cake at a cake & punch reception. If that's what you're told to expect, appreciate what is being offered. You're a grown-up and perfectly capable of feeding yourself prior to the event.

Secondly, self-catering is still possible with more people, provided a person has the proper equipment & know-how to pull it off. I've been to several self-catered receptions for 100+ guests that provided food far superior to typical, professionally catered wedding food. It was served at the proper temperature, too.

You are right about the self-catering. It's definitely true that someone can pull it off if they invest in the right equipment. I just haven't seen that happen.

BethanyandJacob · August 2013

2. If you want to make food yourself, don't do it if you have more than 50-60 people coming. It's reasonable to cook for that many people. Don't serve your guests cold or measly food because you wanted to make it yourself.

What about a make your own cold sandwich buffet? around 4 PM....

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

Abbyjensen said:

Budget is never, ever, ever a reason to breach etiquette.

Rant: I have gone to several weddings lately for couples with limited budgets. I understand having a budget, really, I do. It's never a reason to treat your guests poorly. I know that some people think that the wedding is about the bride and groom, but really, if you care enough about people to want them there, you should care enough about them to treat them well. I think the ceremony is pretty much about the bride and groom (who care if they don't like your vows?) but the reception is really hosting an event for the guests.

1. If you want to have a cake/punch reception, don't JUST have cake/punch. Have cake, apps, and a variety of snacks. Your wedding should be between 2-5, or after 8.

2. If you want to make food yourself, don't do it if you have more than 50-60 people coming. It's reasonable to cook for that many people. Don't serve your guests cold or measly food because you wanted to make it yourself.

3. Don't invite people to only part of the wedding. If they are invited to the ceremony, invite them to the whole reception, and don't invite people after dinner.

4. It's better to cut your guest list and do it right than to have a large guest list and treat everyone poorly.

5. Absolutely do not use bridal party and family as servants. Yes, it's okay for them to do small helpful tasks if they offer. I went to a wedding where the groom's mother spent the whole time refilling food and drinks on the buffet table. I felt so sorry for her not getting to enjoy her child's wedding. Yes, people are willing to do stuff like that sometimes, but treat people better than making them unpaid servers.

6. I don't mind an outdoor, super casual, BBQ type reception. I still hate having to wait an hour for food, I still don't like flies getting on my food, and I still need somewhere to sit. One grill or one buffet table is not enough for 200 guests. 100 chairs is not enough chairs for 200 guests.

If you need to cut your budget, don't do it at the expense of your guests. It's okay to just invite 20 people to your wedding. It's okay to not give +1 to truly single guests. It's okay to serve hamburgers and potato salad. It's okay to not have chair covers or uplighting. It's okay to have your wedding in a church gym or rec center.

I THOUGHT these were basic, common sense type of things, but after all the weddings I've gone to like this, I needed to say something.

http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/joker.gif

Sticky maybe?

d2va · August 2013

I vote for Sticky!

grumbledore · August 2013

huynhette said:

I'm definitely the A-hole that shows up at weddings, and if there is no food and just desserts, I will be the first one to straight up ask "where's the nearest Mcdonalds?"

I definitely get the whole non-meal time thing. But just the way I was brought up with our family and circle, birthday, wedding, shower, family gathering = ton of food, eat til you die fest. So when it comes to like these things that have no food, it just seems really weird to me.

While I agree with PPs that etiquette-wise a cake and punch reception, as long as time appropriately, is perfectly acceptable, I understand where you are coming from.

My crowd would not be okay with no meal - but that is why we won't do that. Know your crowd.

Simply Fated · August 2013

I actually agree with #1, but maybe that's because I know people who can't have sugar and/or cake. I'd put out maybe some chips and a fruit plate or something, just so my guests could have something to munch on if cake wasn't a possibility for them.

Jen4948 · August 2013

ElcaB said:

Abbyjensen said:

Budget is never, ever, ever a reason to breach etiquette.

Rant: I have gone to several weddings lately for couples with limited budgets. I understand having a budget, really, I do. It's never a reason to treat your guests poorly. I know that some people think that the wedding is about the bride and groom, but really, if you care enough about people to want them there, you should care enough about them to treat them well. I think the ceremony is pretty much about the bride and groom (who care if they don't like your vows?) but the reception is really hosting an event for the guests.

1. If you want to have a cake/punch reception, don't JUST have cake/punch. Have cake, apps, and a variety of snacks. Your wedding should be between 2-5, or after 8.

2. If you want to make food yourself, don't do it if you have more than 50-60 people coming. It's reasonable to cook for that many people. Don't serve your guests cold or measly food because you wanted to make it yourself.

3. Don't invite people to only part of the wedding. If they are invited to the ceremony, invite them to the whole reception, and don't invite people after dinner.

4. It's better to cut your guest list and do it right than to have a large guest list and treat everyone poorly.

5. Absolutely do not use bridal party and family as servants. Yes, it's okay for them to do small helpful tasks if they offer. I went to a wedding where the groom's mother spent the whole time refilling food and drinks on the buffet table. I felt so sorry for her not getting to enjoy her child's wedding. Yes, people are willing to do stuff like that sometimes, but treat people better than making them unpaid servers.

6. I don't mind an outdoor, super casual, BBQ type reception. I still hate having to wait an hour for food, I still don't like flies getting on my food, and I still need somewhere to sit. One grill or one buffet table is not enough for 200 guests. 100 chairs is not enough chairs for 200 guests.

If you need to cut your budget, don't do it at the expense of your guests. It's okay to just invite 20 people to your wedding. It's okay to not give +1 to truly single guests. It's okay to serve hamburgers and potato salad. It's okay to not have chair covers or uplighting. It's okay to have your wedding in a church gym or rec center.

I THOUGHT these were basic, common sense type of things, but after all the weddings I've gone to like this, I needed to say something.

I think you're right about some things, but not about others. For instance, there's nothing wrong with just cake at a cake & punch reception. If that's what you're told to expect, appreciate what is being offered. You're a grown-up and perfectly capable of feeding yourself prior to the event.

Secondly, self-catering is still possible with more people, provided a person has the proper equipment & know-how to pull it off. I've been to several self-catered receptions for 100+ guests that provided food far superior to typical, professionally catered wedding food. It was served at the proper temperature, too.

If you're inviting diabetic guests, they can't eat most kinds of cake and desserts. They will not appreciate being invited to a reception that has nothing they can eat.

Dreamergirl8812 · August 2013

But I don't think cake and punch reception is literally just a cake and a bowl of punch. Just like a cocktail hour is not just cocktails for an hour. At least that's what everyone explained to that wackadoo that started a thread about the sugar epidemic.

libby2483 · August 2013

lwoehlk said:

I agree with everything but the first. If the wedding is smack dab between lunch and dinner, I would not mind just cake and punch. I think apps or cheese/veggie platters are a great addition but not necessary. I do think the invitation should specify though: cake and punch immediately to follow.

Ditto.

STARMOON44 · August 2013

The point of cake and punch is that it is served at an hour of day when no one needs to eat, and doesn't last long enough for people to get hungry. So if there are people who can't eat cake, they don't. And it's fine. I wouldn't discourage any bride from also serving a tray of veggies and dip and some diet coke, but etiquette wise it really is perfectly acceptable to just have cake and punch.

Bubbles2014 · August 2013

Amen. Sing it!

I hate it when people use budget as an excuse for a cash bar or a potluck or something. Guess who chose to have this wedding? YOU. So why should your guests have to pay for your choices?

JaneAustensGhost · August 2013

BethanyandJacob said:

2. If you want to make food yourself, don't do it if you have more than 50-60 people coming. It's reasonable to cook for that many people. Don't serve your guests cold or measly food because you wanted to make it yourself.

What about a make your own cold sandwich buffet? around 4 PM....

That just sounds sad to me. Sorry.

kmmssg · August 2013

BethanyandJacob said:

2. If you want to make food yourself, don't do it if you have more than 50-60 people coming. It's reasonable to cook for that many people. Don't serve your guests cold or measly food because you wanted to make it yourself.

What about a make your own cold sandwich buffet? around 4 PM....

What time would your reception be over? An hour or so earlier and I would have no problem with the cold sandwich idea, but if you are doing that at 4 pm it leads me to think that your reception won't be over by 5 pm and then you are crossing over into dinner. What is your reception time line?

cmclaire · August 2013

Amen to so much of the OP! Although like other PPs, I'm totally okay with number one - the cake and punch services I've been to tend to start at 1 and wrap by 4, I can last that long without food

. If they were at a mealtime, however? I'd be a little miffed.

JellyBean52513 · August 2013

All I can add to this discussion is that this board has led me to be perfectly happy and content with a long engagement if it means planning & saving up for the wedding I want to have.

My BF and I discuss marriage all the time, and I know what I'd be getting myself into: his family is HUGE, very close with each other, and every single child always attends every single social event. Learning the term "know your crowd" meant accepting that almost everyone we invite will assume their kids are invited & bring them, and we will have to be prepared to host them....and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love his family, and I would want to host them all properly.

Any brides who use the excuse of "It's my special day" needs to elope because obviously it's all about her (and presumably her FI) so they should enjoy their wedding day with just each other.

prettyprettypeonies · September 2013

I am so like surprised by how polarizing this issue is! To me (like a few other's said), these things are common sense. Why would you need someone to explain them to you? Weird!

Budget/Etiquette-- rant

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