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Sister not in the party

orb30orb30 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Dear community-

My sister is not in my bridal party due to me having a small, intimate bridal party (my MOH- best friend since middle school who is practically another sibling to me and my other family members, and one bridesmaid who is my cousin I have grown up with) and the fact that my sister and I have never gotten along and barely talk.  My mother is appalled that I have not invited my sister to be a bridesmaid, let alone my MOH.  I understand where she is coming from with tradition and all, and I do feel slightly bad because my other two siblings (who I am a lot closer with) are a part of the wedding (one brother is playing music at the ceremony and the other brother is doing a reading).

Does anybody know some ceremony of reception roles I can give to my sister that will create a compromise between my mother's and my varied opinions about my sister? Thanks!!

PS- we also already have our ushers!
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Re: Sister not in the party

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    elizabethelevenelizabetheleven member
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    Does your sister want to be involved?
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    amalamaamalama member
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    When did you ask everyone else to be in the wedding? If you've already planned what everyone else will do and asked them, and your mother is making a fuss about, she will probably know that you are just finding something for her to do to make your mother happy. Do you know if she is upset about it? Honestly at this point I think you would be better of just leaving it alone, maybe get her a corsage and make sure she is seated in the front rows with the family, but that's it.
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    orb30orb30 member
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    edited August 2013
    She wouldn't ever tell me, but I feel as though as she feels like the odd sibling/duck out...
    So I feel like as long as I offered something -whether she says yes or not- at least I put the offer on the table!
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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
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    Can she do a reading? Ask her if she wants to do something and gauge her reaction.

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited August 2013
    "Tradition" doesn't require you to include your sister at all.

    If your mother isn't paying, she gets absolutely no say in this.  Since you say you're having a small intimate wedding, can you pay for everything and take the power of the purse away from your mother?  She might decide not to attend if your sister isn't in the wedding party, but hopefully that's something you can handle.
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    phiraphira member
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    Can you have your sister do a reading as well?

    It sounds like you've filled most of the "honor" roles at this point. If you're worried about your sister feeling left out, I would honestly recommend asking her to be a third bridesmaid. Your fiance doesn't have to add another attendant to his side if he doesn't want to (uneven wedding parties are fine).

    I want to emphasize, in case you haven't lurked in some other threads here, that bridesmaids aren't obligated to do anything besides show up sober to the rehearsal and the wedding, and purchase and wear the dress you ask them to. So if you don't want to add her to your bridal party because you don't think she'll help plan parties ... I'd ask her anyways and consider any involvement in party planning to be an unexpected bonus.
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    ashleyepashleyep member
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    You don't have to include your sister, there's definitely nothing wrong with not having her as a bridesmaid. But I do think it sucks for her that your other siblings have "honors" and she doesn't. I agree with a lot of what @phira said. You could get her a corsage and definitely let her get ready with you in the morning.
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    allispainallispain member
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    edited August 2013
    My sister and I aren't close either. Never have been. It would have felt weird to me to have her in my bridal party, since there have been years when the only time that entire year when we've spoken was at Christmas dinner with the family. That being said, she's still my only sibling, and I couldn't imagine not having her involved in my wedding in some fashion.

    DH and I decided that we would invite my sister and his two sisters to do readings at the wedding. My sister read one, and then his sisters split the other (which was longer anyways). We felt it was important for all of them to be invited to be a part of our day and to be honored in that fashion.

    Since you seem to have already divided things up, and therefore she must realize that she's the only one not invited, if you do want to invite her to be a part of your day, try to be subtle about it. For example, you could say, "Hey sister, FI and I decided to add another reading to our ceremony and we would really like for you to be the one to read it. Would you be interested in doing this?" 

    Also, (and nothing you said in your post led me to believe you would do this, but I still want to say it for any lurkers) please please please don't give her some menial task, like handing out programs or standing by the guest book. Those aren't honors - they're chores.

    ETA: typo
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    MayDay513MayDay513 member
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    orb30 said:
    Dear community-

    My sister is not in my bridal party due to me having a small, intimate bridal party (my MOH- best friend since middle school who is practically another sibling to me and my other family members, and one bridesmaid who is my cousin I have grown up with) and the fact that my sister and I have never gotten along and barely talk.  My mother is appalled that I have not invited my sister to be a bridesmaid, let alone my MOH.  I understand where she is coming from with tradition and all, and I do feel slightly bad because my other two siblings (who I am a lot closer with) are a part of the wedding (one brother is playing music at the ceremony and the other brother is doing a reading).

    Does anybody know some ceremony of reception roles I can give to my sister that will create a compromise between my mother's and my varied opinions about my sister? Thanks!!

    PS- we also already have our ushers!
    I agree with the PPs. Before appeasing your mom, check with your sister see if she wants to be involved. If so, figure out what ways. By this, I mean just ask her. DH has 5 sisters, and I had one of his sisters in my WP, I asked the other 4 if they wanted to be involved and if so in what ways. One of his sisters really wanted to go cake tasting with us, another just wanted to go shopping, the others just wanted to be in photos.

    I think if you are unwilling to talk to your sister, it may be better to not include her at all, and I mean having her as a guest is enough. :)
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    delujm0delujm0 member
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    Honestly, if your parents are paying for the wedding, I'd advice you to just ask her to be a BM.  That will keep everyone happy.  Unless you would be horribly offended for her to be standing up there with you, this is probably the path of least resistance.  You could also add another reading for her, which would be perfectly fine.
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    harper0813harper0813 member
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    Okay, I received advice on here a while ago from a certain insistent, now banned former mod that I should just let the friend who's continuously asking to be a BM be a BM because I didn't have a good enough reason to NOT make her one. She has not been pleasant to work with and I wish I had just stood my ground and said sorry, no.

    You get to choose your bridesmaids. It is YOUR choice. She can sing during the ceremony, do a reading, or maybe give a toast during the rehearsal dinner. Give her a wrist corsage. But go with your gut here. No one else gets to decide your wedding party. If you aren't close to your sister, then there is no need for her to be a bridesmaid.

    That being said, keep your expectations of your bridesmaids realistic and respectful. Their only obligation is to buy a/the dress and be at the wedding sober and on-time. If they want to throw a shower and bachelorette party and help you with planning, that's up to them and they get to volunteer that on their own.

    Therefore, excluding your sister from the bridal party because she won't help out is an invalid point. Excluding her because you aren't close is valid.
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    MayDay513MayDay513 member
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    delujm0 said:
    Honestly, if your parents are paying for the wedding, I'd advice you to just ask her to be a BM.  That will keep everyone happy.  Unless you would be horribly offended for her to be standing up there with you, this is probably the path of least resistance.  You could also add another reading for her, which would be perfectly fine.
    I don't agree with the bolded. The people who pay do not get a say in the wedding party. The B&G get to pick whoever they want for the wedding party. I doubt it would make the OP happy to have a bridesmaid she doesn't sound agree with in her WP

    OP, it sounds like you are pretty far into wedding planning if you already have ushers and your other siblings have their roles in the ceremony.
    If I were the sister, I would be pissed that I was asked to be in the wedding party because "Mom said so", or that I was second rate and added in later. OP doesn't sound close to her sister. OP can have whoever she likes in her WP.

    Back to OP's original question. I think you could have her as a reader, get her a corsage, or have her join you for getting ready etc. But again like I said, I think you should ask her what she wants, because it sounds like you are just trying to appease your mom.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    zobird said:
    Okay, I received advice on here a while ago from a certain insistent, now banned former mod that I should just let the friend who's continuously asking to be a BM be a BM because I didn't have a good enough reason to NOT make her one. She has not been pleasant to work with and I wish I had just stood my ground and said sorry, no. You get to choose your bridesmaids. It is YOUR choice. She can sing during the ceremony, do a reading, or maybe give a toast during the rehearsal dinner. Give her a wrist corsage. But go with your gut here. No one else gets to decide your wedding party. If you aren't close to your sister, then there is no need for her to be a bridesmaid. That being said, keep your expectations of your bridesmaids realistic and respectful. Their only obligation is to buy a/the dress and be at the wedding sober and on-time. If they want to throw a shower and bachelorette party and help you with planning, that's up to them and they get to volunteer that on their own. Therefore, excluding your sister from the bridal party because she won't help out is an invalid point. Excluding her because you aren't close is valid.
    Not wanting someone as a bridesmaid is all the reason you need to not choose that person.  That former moderator was wrong that there needs to be any other reason not to choose someone-let alone a "good" reason.
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    GlassButtonGlassButton member
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    In order to make her feel included you could:

    Get a corsage for her
    Ask her to do a reading
    Ask her to do a toast
    Be with you in the greeting line (if your wedding party and/ or family is in it)
    Ask her to be in charge of the guest book, etc.

    You could also try and include her in the pre-wedding parties if they haven't happened yet. Also, if your comfortable invite her to you meetings with vendors.

    When your getting ready for the wedding ask her if she's like to get her hair done with you or something similar.

    Other than that you could ask her if there's something she'd like to help with. Do not ask her to be in the bridal party just for mother's sake. I would personally look at it as pity.
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    phiraphira member
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    At my brother's wedding two years ago, I was really hurt because my sister was asked to be a bridesmaid and I was not. My brother still made sure I was involved (chuppah holder), and I was given a corsage and photographed as a member of the "complete" wedding party (although there are tons of pictures of just bridesmaids and groomsmen that I'm not in). It made me feel like I was being punished because I'm estranged from my dad and my sibs aren't (even though that's an issue that was settled a long time ago).

    My point? I don't think my sister-in-law was obligated to include me as a bridesmaid, nor did I want to be one. But I wish my brother had made more of an effort to make me feel like I was important to him on his wedding day; there are lots of pictures of him with my sister (with all the bridesmaids) and only a handful of him and me. Even if your sister is aware that you're not so close, it's not going to be detrimental to your relationship if you make an effort to make her feel important. Which--obviously you're trying to do because you're here and you're asking how!

    So if you really don't want to add her to your wedding party, ask her to do a reading, or participate in the ceremony in a way, or ask her to make a toast ... and make sure you have lots of pictures.
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    melbelleupmelbelleup member
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    Ask her if she wants to: do a reading, toast, pass out programs, pass of bubbles... etc.
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    KatWAGKatWAG member
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    GlassButton said:
    In order to make her feel included you could: Get a corsage for her Ask her to do a reading Ask her to do a toast Be with you in the greeting line (if your wedding party and/ or family is in it) Ask her to be in charge of the guest book, etc. You could also try and include her in the pre-wedding parties if they haven't happened yet. Also, if your comfortable invite her to you meetings with vendors. When your getting ready for the wedding ask her if she's like to get her hair done with you or something similar. Other than that you could ask her if there's something she'd like to help with. Do not ask her to be in the bridal party just for mother's sake. I would personally look at it as pity.
    The guest book is not an honor, it is an unneccessary job.
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    ashleyepashleyep member
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    GlassButton said:
    In order to make her feel included you could: Get a corsage for her Ask her to do a reading Ask her to do a toast Be with you in the greeting line (if your wedding party and/ or family is in it) Ask her to be in charge of the guest book, etc. You could also try and include her in the pre-wedding parties if they haven't happened yet. Also, if your comfortable invite her to you meetings with vendors. When your getting ready for the wedding ask her if she's like to get her hair done with you or something similar. Other than that you could ask her if there's something she'd like to help with. Do not ask her to be in the bridal party just for mother's sake. I would personally look at it as pity.
    I wouldn't ask her to do a toast. If you're not very close to her, she's not really going to have much to say in a toast.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    delujm0 said:
    Honestly, if your parents are paying for the wedding, I'd advice you to just ask her to be a BM.  That will keep everyone happy. 
    And would it make the sister happy to "just be asked to be a BM" when she isn't close to the bride and was only asked because their mother pressured the bride into it?

    Probably not.  It wouldn't make me happy to "just be asked to be a BM" because a mother made a stupid, misguided fuss.
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    TeddiD34TeddiD34 member
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    melbelleup said:
    Ask her if she wants to: do a reading, toast, pass out programs, pass of bubbles... etc.
    Again, these are jobs, not honours. Please don't do this to your sister.

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    freebread03freebread03 member
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    GlassButton said:
    In order to make her feel included you could: Get a corsage for her Ask her to do a reading Ask her to do a toast Be with you in the greeting line (if your wedding party and/ or family is in it) Ask her to be in charge of the guest book, etc. You could also try and include her in the pre-wedding parties if they haven't happened yet. Also, if your comfortable invite her to you meetings with vendors. When your getting ready for the wedding ask her if she's like to get her hair done with you or something similar. Other than that you could ask her if there's something she'd like to help with. Do not ask her to be in the bridal party just for mother's sake. I would personally look at it as pity.
    So you think she should make her sister feel included by giving her a shit job like monitoring the guest book or tagging along to meet with vendors?  And if they have never been close or gotten along well, you think it's a good idea to ask her to give a toast?  

    OP, please don't do this.  Giving someone a shit job won't make them feel included-it will just make them irritated (trust me, I've been given shit jobs at other weddings bc family wanted me to feel included-needless to say, I just felt annoyed).  Asking her to do a reading isn't a bad idea and doesn't require work from her.  But it's also an honor to be a guest, which is fine.
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    APDSS22APDSS22 member
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    I would get her a corsage, invite her to get ready with you and maybe ask her to do a reading.  Definitely take pictures with her but you don't have to ask her to be a bridesmaid.  She'll know why you're asking anyway and probably won't be pleased. 
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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
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    If you truly cannot appease the ones who are paying for your wedding, then the only other honored guest besides WP is reader.
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    Bubbles2014Bubbles2014 member
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    Luckily for your mum, being appalled isn't a life threatening condition. She will live. Mine did! Just don't talk about it with her and if she brings it up say that your wedding party choices are not up for discussion and move on.

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