Divorces and separations

Re: Divorces and separations

• AprilH81 member

  

  August 2013

  I would invite them both and hope they can be adults.  You have a relationship with both and their daughter is part of your family.  One or both of them may decline but that is up to them.

  

  Report0 Reply
• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  August 2013

  You can invite whoever you want. It's up to them to conduct themselves like adults. They can attend if they want. If one or the other doesn't want to attend because of possible drama, they'll make the adult choice to decline. 

  
  

  If you want to keep a relationship with her and you want to invite her, go for it. If you're doing a seating chart, I would not seat them at neighboring tables. 

  *********************************************************************************

  
  

  

  Report0 Reply
• kefryar member

  

  August 2013

  southernbelle0915 said:

  You can invite whoever you want. It's up to them to conduct themselves like adults. They can attend if they want. If one or the other doesn't want to attend because of possible drama, they'll make the adult choice to decline. 

  
  

  If you want to keep a relationship with her and you want to invite her, go for it. If you're doing a seating chart, I would not seat them at neighboring tables. 

  
  We weren't going to do a seating chart, but I think it may be a good idea with potential issues like this, just to make sure no one is forced to be at the same table with someone they might not want to see.

   

  Report0 Reply
• cruffino member

  

  August 2013

  i have the same situation in my family. my cousin had a messy divorce from his wife of many years. they have 3 children. it was tough and contentious. many family members took my cousin's wife's side and left him out from family events. others left her out. it was the worst for their kids who were stuck in the middle. 

  
  

  i think the right thing to do is to invite them both and let them work out how they will negotiate family situations going forward.

  Report0 Reply
• phira member

  

  August 2013

  southernbelle0915 said:

  You can invite whoever you want. It's up to them to conduct themselves like adults. They can attend if they want. If one or the other doesn't want to attend because of possible drama, they'll make the adult choice to decline. 

  
  

  If you want to keep a relationship with her and you want to invite her, go for it. If you're doing a seating chart, I would not seat them at neighboring tables. 

  This.

  
  

  If you'd like, you can also contact your soon-to-be-ex cousin-in-law and let her know that you'd love to invite her and her daughter, because you still think of them as family, but that you don't want her to be uncomfortable and miserable since you're obligated to invite your cousin.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

  Report1 Reply
• Abbyjensen member

  

  August 2013

  I would invite them both, ESPECIALLY if you are inviting children. You don't want your cousin's child caught up in the middle of it. Her cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. are all going to be there. 

  
  

  I wouldn't go any further If I was really close to her I might contact her, but I probably wouldn't. They will have to figure it out. She can ask another family member or someone if your cousin is invited (if she cares) and decide for herself how she wants to manage it.

  Report0 Reply
• itzMS member

  

  August 2013

  kefryar said:

  Let me start this by saying that I have a large family, but we are all very close. I see my cousins multiple times a year, no one is estranged.

  Recently, we found out that my cousin had been cheating on his wife of 10+ years, and had decided to leave her, as well as his 5 year old daughter. Super skeezey move on his part, but he's still my family member, and it is not up to me to judge him  for the decisions he has made.

  There's a problem with this, however, as I want to invite him, but also his soon to be ex wife and their daughter. She has been part of our family for over a decade, and she is not at fault for any of this.

  My question is, is there any way to go about this without any drama,  as i'm pretty sure that this is going to be a messy divorce? Should I just not invite her? I feel like this would be really rude on my part.

  I'm sure there's a possibility that one or both won't even show up, but as I said, we're all pretty close. I just don't know what my responsibility is in keeping this all amicable.

  
  People will surprise you. DH's parents were bitterly, bitterly divorced and both were incredibly amiable at our wedding.

  Do your cousin and his wife still live under the same roof? If so, you invite them both with their daughter on one invite and let them figure it out. If they've taken to different residences, invite your cousin separately from his wife and daughter. Call the wife and let her know you'll be sending the invitation to her separately.

  Oddly enough, people reconcile over things worse than cheating, so no need for you to drive a wedge between them by seemingly "choosing sides" (even though that's not your intention).

  Report1 Reply
• grumbledore member

  

  August 2013

  OP:  "Let me start this by saying that I have a large family, but we are all very close. I see my cousins multiple times a year, no one is estranged.

  Recently, we found out that my cousin had been cheating on his wife of 10+ years, and had decided to leave her, as well as his 5 year old daughter. Super skeezey move on his part, but he's still my family member, and it is not up to me to judge him  for the decisions he has made.

  There's a problem with this, however, as I want to invite him, but also his soon to be ex wife and their daughter. She has been part of our family for over a decade, and she is not at fault for any of this.

  My question is, is there any way to go about this without any drama,  as i'm pretty sure that this is going to be a messy divorce? Should I just not invite her? I feel like this would be really rude on my part.

  I'm sure there's a possibility that one or both won't even show up, but as I said, we're all pretty close. I just don't know what my responsibility is in keeping this all amicable."

  
  

  Stupid quote box.

  While I understand that this is an uncomfortable situation, it would be, imo, unbelievably rude to exclude her due to this situation.  I would invite everyone, and let them decide if someone needs to sit it out to avoid conflict.  They are adults.  You invite the people who you want to be there and they decide whether to attend.

  
  

  
  

  

  Report0 Reply
• kefryar member

  

  August 2013

  grumbledore said:

  OP:  "Let me start this by saying that I have a large family, but we are all very close. I see my cousins multiple times a year, no one is estranged.

  Recently, we found out that my cousin had been cheating on his wife of 10+ years, and had decided to leave her, as well as his 5 year old daughter. Super skeezey move on his part, but he's still my family member, and it is not up to me to judge him  for the decisions he has made.

  There's a problem with this, however, as I want to invite him, but also his soon to be ex wife and their daughter. She has been part of our family for over a decade, and she is not at fault for any of this.

  My question is, is there any way to go about this without any drama,  as i'm pretty sure that this is going to be a messy divorce? Should I just not invite her? I feel like this would be really rude on my part.

  I'm sure there's a possibility that one or both won't even show up, but as I said, we're all pretty close. I just don't know what my responsibility is in keeping this all amicable."

  
  

  Stupid quote box.

  While I understand that this is an uncomfortable situation, it would be, imo, unbelievably rude to exclude her due to this situation.  I would invite everyone, and let them decide if someone needs to sit it out to avoid conflict.  They are adults.  You invite the people who you want to be there and they decide whether to attend.

  
  

  
  I agree, as I said, it's not my place to take sides, but if anything I would rather invite her. I guess I also forgot to mention that his family has already sided with HER, so it is beyond just the two of them.

   

  Report0 Reply
• SP29 member

  

  August 2013

  Invite both, and let them decide if they will come or not.

  
  

  Seating plan may be a good idea in this situation. 

  
  

  We have a sort of similar situation, in that FH's mom and dad are divorced, have been for over 20 years, still don't speak a word to each other. That's one family table that will be split up. 

  Report0 Reply
• kefryar member

  

  August 2013

  I don't know if you've ever seen the parks and rec episode when leslie and ben announce their engagement and his parents are insane around each other, but for some reason this reminds me of that.

   

  Report1 Reply
• harper0813 member

  

  August 2013

  Like PPs said, invite them both and they can work this out between the two of them.
  
  I had a similar problem with my guest list - my uncle has rocky relationships with his three grown children and their families. I invites two of the three children and I actually had no idea who was on speaking terms with whom at the time. Uncle and one of his daughters and her family accepted, but the other graciously declined. They all made adult decisions on their own. I'm sad they can't come, but they are doing what's best for them.

  Report0 Reply
• Dreamergirl8812 member

  

  August 2013

  Stay out of it by inviting them both. My friend is inviting her friend's divorced parents to her wedding. But she isn't inviting dad's gf because she doesn't know dad and mom still hang out... Or something... I don't know.
  
  But anyway, she told me this and I just wanted to shake her and say "It's none of your business!" They're adults. Invite them to your wedding.
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  Report0 Reply
• JellyBean52513 member

  

  August 2013

  On a MUCH smaller scale, when my BF and I were separated for a short amount of time, his older sister invited me over for a family get-together at her home. He is VERY close with this sister and her two kids. When I told her that I didn't think it would be a great idea, as he and I weren't on speaking terms, she said "I don't care what happens between you two. I want you to be a part of my children's lives and you are welcome in my home." I ended up going to the get-together, and him and I just stayed out of each other's way. She expected us to be able to act like adults and that's exactly what we did. I had a wonderful time visiting with the people that I call family and it wasn't terribly awkward. 
  
  Moral of my story: I like the advice that's been given on this board when it comes to situations like this, which states that if you would have a relationship with this person independently and would want them present at your wedding, then invite them. I think, given the circumstances, giving her a private call as PPs have suggested might be a nice touch. It certainly meant a lot to me when his sister reached out to me, to let me know that I was still loved and welcomed by the family.
  
  
  

  Report0 Reply
• allispain member

  

  August 2013

  We had several instances on this type of dynamic at our wedding - specifically, DH's divorced parents (who don't ever speak to each other, but are perfectly capable of being in the same room together as long as they aren't forced to interact) and my parents. We simply put DH's mom and her family at one table and his dad and his family at another across the dance floor from each other. I would have done the same with my parents, but my dad decided not to attend my wedding.

  
  

  Also, I know you've already said that your family has been primarily siding with your cousin's wife (to which I, personally, say good for them) but I just wanted to mention that when my dad left my mom for the woman he had been cheating on her with, one of the nicest things anyone said to her afterwards came from one of my dad's brothers' wives. My aunt let my mom know in no uncertain terms that, regardless of the divorce, they were still family and always would be. That kind of support made a world of difference to my mom.

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• pahlalafsu member

  

  December 2013

  Invite them both. Call them each separately and tell them how important they are to you. Also politely give them a heads up that they're both invited and you can't pick sides. I would also invite them without a significant other. If either ask why, say you don't want drama or blame finances/budget. Sit them at separate tables. You might want to hire a security detail just incase there is drama.

  Report0 Reply