In serious need of help!

Re: In serious need of help!

• SP29 member

  

  August 2013

  Would you be allowed to be married in a church if you are not active members? (honestly curious) Likewise, would it require the two of you to attend pre-martial sessions with the priest? I assume, from your post, you would be uncomfortable with that, thus that something your FH needs to realize. 

  
  

  If he has never seen a wedding not in a church, maybe he just needs some help to envision it. You could show him pictures of various non-church venues that have hosted weddings (most places have photo galleries of the room done up for ceremony vs. reception) so he can see it would still look like a "real" ceremony. I suggest looking at the hotel, as well as other common wedding venue sites such as banquet halls. 

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• GypsyWife_ member

  

  August 2013

  Learn to approach it Like any other disagreement you would have. Its a very personal choice and you are going to have to be on the same page. That means even though you both are stubborn you both are going to have to compromise. Approach the subject with listening ears and an open mind and ask that he does the same.

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• MobKaz member

  

  August 2013

  scmurphy2010 said:

  My fiancé and I are at major crossroads when it comes to our ceremony. My fiancé wants to get married in the Catholic Church, but not because its what he truly wants. It's because 1) he thinks its expected of him and 2) before he met me, he had never been to wedding not in a church. We are not religious people (we only go to church MAYBE 4 times a year) and I have serious issues with religion. We had already decided to have the ceremony and reception at a hotel but I think his family is starting to pressure him. We are both very stubborn. I know we are going to have to talk about this, but any suggestions on how to approach it would be greatly appreciated.

  If neither of you are religious, then it would be extremely disrespectful to marry in the church. Your FI would have to promise to raise any children in the Catholic faith.  If that is not what either of you want, or plan to do, then you would basically be starting your married life with a lie.

  
  

  You should not and cannot allow the family to pressure either of you into this.  If you do, then it opens the floodgates for other pressures that will eventually arise in your marriage.  First, speak to each other about what it is you want in your ceremony, your marriage, and your spiritual lives.  Once that has been firmly established, bring your united front, and firm resolve, to his family and discuss the matter like adults.  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2013 edited August 2013

  I'd remind him that a wedding in the Catholic Church 1) requires pre-cana, 2) involves a mass, 3) requires promising to raise the children in the Church, and 4) disrespects all true Catholic believers and the beliefs of the Church when it is done only because it is "expected" or under pressure from third parties, but one or both of the couple don't believe in the teachings of the Church.
  
  Then ask him if he still wants to do it.  If the answer is that he doesn't really but his family is pressuring him, remind him that you already agreed to marry elsewhere and let him know that he has to find a way to deal with the pressure that doesn't involve automatic caving, or it will keep coming throughout your marriage.

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• phira member

  

  August 2013

  Jen4948 said:

  I'd remind him that a wedding in the Catholic Church 1) requires pre-cana, 2) involves a mass, 3) requires promising to raise the children in the Church, and 4) disrespects all true Catholic believers and the beliefs of the Church when it is done only because it is "expected" or under pressure from third parties, but one or both of the couple don't believe in the teachings of the Church.
  
  Then ask him if he still wants to do it.  If the answer is that he doesn't really but his family is pressuring him, remind him that you already agreed to marry elsewhere and let him know that he has to find a way to deal with the pressure that doesn't involve automatic caving, or it will keep coming throughout your marriage.

  Absolutely the above. I also recommend sitting down with him and talking it through as calmly as you can. To be honest, I can understand feeling family pressure; even though this is your wedding, it is about joining your families. But by the same token, there are some ways you can compromise, and ways you can compromise so BOTH of your families will leave you alone. There are ways you can appease both families on issues that don't have an impact on your lives/relationship the way getting married in the Church will.

  
  

  Being married in the Catholic Church is kind of a big deal, and while I understand he wants to appease his family, it sounds like he feels torn between appeasing his family and appeasing you. That is, I don't get the impression that he even really knows what he really wants. I think you need to approach the issue and focus on what he really wants, and not what his family wants or what he thinks you want.

  
  

  If he does want a church wedding, that's okay, but he needs to understand that it's not just "getting married inside a church" with the church as a venue.

  
  

  Finally, make sure that you make a decision together, and come up with a "party line" he can use with his family. "I appreciate your opinion. However, [scmurphy2010] and I have already chosen our venue for the wedding and ceremony. Anyway, how's the new job going?"

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2013

  phira said:

  
  

  Finally, make sure that you make a decision together, and come up with a "party line" he can use with his family. "I appreciate your opinion. However, [scmurphy2010] and I have already chosen our venue for the wedding and ceremony. Anyway, how's the new job going?"

  I'd be careful with this.  On the one hand, he has to back you up, but on the other hand, he can't use you as his "bad guy" with this family.  Whatever you come up with, make sure that he isn't absolving himself of responsibility while putting you out there as the blame catcher.
  

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• phira member

  

  August 2013

  @Jen4948 Yeah, I do not think that her fiance should use her as the "bad guy." In this case, he should present it as a "we" decision. "This is what we have decided." Not, "I would, but SHE doesn't want to."

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• MobKaz member

  

  August 2013

  Jen4948 said:

  I'd remind him that a wedding in the Catholic Church 1) requires pre-cana, 2) involves a mass, 3) requires promising to raise the children in the Church, and 4) disrespects all true Catholic believers and the beliefs of the Church when it is done only because it is "expected" or under pressure from third parties, but one or both of the couple don't believe in the teachings of the Church.
  
  Then ask him if he still wants to do it.  If the answer is that he doesn't really but his family is pressuring him, remind him that you already agreed to marry elsewhere and let him know that he has to find a way to deal with the pressure that doesn't involve automatic caving, or it will keep coming throughout your marriage.

  The Rite of Marriage can be done without Mass.  

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• CharliesWife12

  

  August 2013

  It is possible to have a religious wedding in a place other than a church.  Maybe there is a family member or friend who belongs to a church and able to perform marriages, and will marry you outside of that church.  You aren't restricted to a JOP outside of a church wedding.
  
  Make the choice together, and stick to it together.
  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  August 2013

  @NYCBruin - help!

  
  

  Look at other ceremony options - there are plenty of officiants who will do a ceremony in any location you want. Outside, in a non-denominational church, at your reception venue, etc. 

  
  

  My H is Catholic. I am Methodist. We ended up getting married outside by a non-denominational officiant we found in the TK vendor search. We were able to write our own ceremony and vows. It was really special. We were both so happy we did it that way.

  *********************************************************************************

  
  

  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  August 2013

  OP - one of the things that your FI should be aware of, is that if your marriage takes place outside of the Catholic Church, his marriage is considered invalid and he will be barred from Communion.  You say he does attend Church a few times a year, so make sure he knows this.  Many do not. 

  I feel that the ceremony should truly reflect both the B&G only.  That is the one part of the day that is truly about you and your should decide together how it will happen.

  

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