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Private Ceremony - Open Reception

justmekimmiejustmekimmie
Name Dropper First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
We were wanting to keep the ceremony itself very small and intimate - pretty much immediate family and the few close friends that might as well be. We have planned to have an open reception though for anyone else who wants to join in on the celebration. Thoughts? 
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Re: Private Ceremony - Open Reception

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    justmekimmiejustmekimmie
    Name Dropper First Comment
    Addition: I'm sort of used to this situation because of being raised in the Mormon church where most weddings take place in the Temple and only members of the church (and even then the ones that are very very dedicated and have recommends) can attend the actual wedding and then a large reception is typically held afterward. Although I will not be getting married in the Temple, I still want that private and personal ceremony feeling.
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    KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If you want to have a private ceremony and an open reception, you probably would only be able to have immediate family (parents, siblings & SO's, grandparents).

    Etiquette aside, if I were invited to your open reception, I would feel hurt. I was good enough to give you a gift at your reception, but not to see you get married? Even if you're not angling for gifts, it could very well be interpreted that way. Be prepared for that reaction.
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    justmekimmiejustmekimmie
    Name Dropper First Comment
    We've already started to emotionally prepare ourselves for people feeling hurt despite that not being our intention. Another big reason for the tiny ceremony is that FH is from Cali and the wedding is in Texas. I don't want him to feel bad about him having only his Dad and Step Mom there for sure and maybe only 2 more family members at most who can make it. I have lived here all my life and went to college in the next town --- my side would be huge if that was my style. Heck - I was the one who suggested eloping to fix this issue but he wants us to have our day.

    The venue for the ceremony is also my family's ranch --- under a canopied oak tree in a pasture. It has an enclosed feeling that would only fit 20 or so.
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    SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited August 2013
    I'm familiar with the Mormon wedding custom, and I would be 100% OK with your decision if it were because of your religious views/beliefs. However- if this is the reason you are wanting a private ceremony then follow those beliefs and keep it private (immediate family only). No half-sies. Otherwise, you are at risk of offending people- friend A is special enough to come to the ceremony, but friend B only gets invited to the reception- I'm sure you can see how that would be offensive. (not sure why this font changed...)


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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    KeptInStitches said:
    If you want to have a private ceremony and an open reception, you probably would only be able to have immediate family (parents, siblings & SO's, grandparents).

    Etiquette aside, if I were invited to your open reception, I would feel hurt. I was good enough to give you a gift at your reception, but not to see you get married? Even if you're not angling for gifts, it could very well be interpreted that way. Be prepared for that reaction.
    I'm with you.
    Etiquette-wize it's okay, but it's one of those things where I don't know why it's okay. I've asked it in a thread once and no one could tell me. I question the validity of this rule.


    OP, if you know it will bother people, then maybe it's something to reconsider doing. You're trying to save your fiance from hurt, but is it really something that's going to bother him?
    Also, you can just use a different venue. If you want to do something special at the ranch, you can take pictures there or have the dress rehearsal there or something. You're going about it backwards. You choose your guest list, first, then find a venue that fits everyone.
    image
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    justmekimmiejustmekimmie
    Name Dropper First Comment
    I honestly can't think of anyone specifically that would be hurt by the move -- but then again you can never know for sure. The wedding is about us so I think planning it so my FI doesn't feel less special by having fewer people there on his "side" is the right move - we both love that it's happening on the ranch instead of a larger venue that holds no special meaning to us. It may be "backwards" to choose the venue first but it works for us. I get the "angling for gifts" issue which is why we aren't putting registration information on the reception invitations or later on the announcements. I think we feel that if there are people upset enough to not come after not being invited to the ceremony than the celebration will be better off without them. Probably not classy to admit that but the people who love us won't let this get in the way of a true relationship.
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    KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    May I ask why you don't want to have a small wedding overall - ceremony and reception? Your FI will still have fewer people on his "side" at the reception if your family is that much bigger.
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    justmekimmiejustmekimmie
    Name Dropper First Comment
    The ceremony is the important part to the two of us - my family, who is helping pay for a lot of this, are the ones who want a somewhat larger reception. It will still be under 100 people - a majority of them being from my parents' church. I figured FI and I will be too in our happy love-bubble at that point to let too much bother us once we're officially man and wife. FI loves a good party so the bigger reception is not a big deal to either of us. But something as personal as the ceremony is a different story. 
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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    justmekimmie said:
    I honestly can't think of anyone specifically that would be hurt by the move -- but then again you can never know for sure. The wedding is about us so I think planning it so my FI doesn't feel less special by having fewer people there on his "side" is the right move - we both love that it's happening on the ranch instead of a larger venue that holds no special meaning to us. It may be "backwards" to choose the venue first but it works for us. I get the "angling for gifts" issue which is why we aren't putting registration information on the reception invitations or later on the announcements. I think we feel that if there are people upset enough to not come after not being invited to the ceremony than the celebration will be better off without them. Probably not classy to admit that but the people who love us won't let this get in the way of a true relationship.
    Is this how he said he feels or how you think he will feel?
    image
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    justmekimmiejustmekimmie
    Name Dropper First Comment
    This is how he really feels - we've talked about it often and at length. He is sensitive about his small family and the non-traditional way he was brought up and understandably so. 
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    itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment

    You do know that there really isn't a need for a "brides side" and a "grooms side" for a ceremony any longer? Just have guests seated by ushers at the next open row of seats...regardless of sides.

    You shouldn't have to have friends and family miss your ceremony. After all, they are going to be his friends and family, too. It seems a bit selfish of your FI, IMHO.

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    KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    How large would your immediate families be? An open reception with less than 100 seems really small still.
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    justmekimmiejustmekimmie
    Name Dropper First Comment
    Ceremony invites so far: My parents, 1 sister and her husband, 2 sisters and their 2 children each, brother and his wife, FI dad and step-mom, his bestfriend from cali (who he was raised with and considers his brother), one of his sisters, my female bestfriend and her husband who FI is great friends with now, and my guy best friend who has become close to FI too.
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    KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    The first thing that comes to mind is that I don't think you can invite one of his sisters without inviting the other one(s) as well. Invite in circles. Even if you don't think they can make it, they might surprise you and there's less potential for hurt feelings.
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    GisellerinaGisellerina member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Comment Name Dropper

    @justmekimmie - We had a very small ceremony (just the two of us and the officiant) and then a larger reception (100 guests).  Since our parents had no objection to our tiny ceremony (or their lack of presence), we hadn't expected any friends' feelings to be hurt by the lack of ceremony invitations, but a couple were anyway  (so just to forewarn you, you may have a couple of people who are bothered by your plans, especially since you actually are inviting some family and friends). 

    Our rationale for the "non-ceremony" was religious differences - I'm an inactive Mormon with an active Mormon family; he's a somewhat lapsed Catholic with an active Catholic family.  Since we couldn't come up with a way for our ceremony to adhere to either of our religious beliefs, we just wanted to do have a minimal "we're legally married" ceremony and personal committment to eachother, but still celebrate with our family and friends.  Obviously, my side being used to Temple marriages, was already accustomed to the idea of reception-only invitations, but since we weren't having a Temple marriage, I think there was a lot of curiosity about why we made our decision. 

    If I had to do it all over again, I would absolutely do the tiny ceremony/larger reception, because that really was the right decision for us.  But, I would have been a little more proactive from the beginning about explaining why we made our decision so that I could avoid/minimize some of the hurt feelings.

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    justmekimmiejustmekimmie
    Name Dropper First Comment
    To clarify: we are inviting all of our siblings - the ones that I listed are the only ones who have a desire to come much less the means.

    And thank you Gisellerina - it helps to hear from someone from a very similar situation. 
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I wasn't raised Mormon but I was raised in a community where almost everyone else was. I always understand when my friends get married in the temple and I'm not offended I can't go, I understand and respect their beliefs but I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't hurt.

    The ceremony is my favorite part of weddings, it's the whole point of the day. I would be hurt if I wasn't invited to the ceremony and only invited to the reception - there really isn't any reasoning you can give that will change that.

    I'd also be a lot less likely to make a trip out of town if I'm not invited to the ceremony. It's not that I'm pissed off and don't want to go it's just that I'm not going to be as willing to put in the time to make a trip if I'm not going to witness the most important aspect of a wedding. Without the ceremony it's just a party and I'm not going to make as much of an effort to go, not out of spite but out of having a busy life of my own and needing to prioritize.

    Honestly, with your reasoning I think you should just have an intimate wedding rather than a small ceremony and bigger reception.


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    MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    hmm. I know it is okay etiquette-wise but  I'm annoyed by the comment about how you are preparing yourselves to hurt other peoples feelings.

    As a guest, I would 100% understand this if you were marrying inside the Mormon temple, but you aren't doing that, so I would be somewhat put off that I wasn't invited to the ceremony.

    This has only happened to me once and I wondered more than one time that night whether I was just invited to the reception so that I could give shower gifts and wedding gifts.

    I understand this is not your intention, but that's the impression your risk giving when you select only some people to be worthy of witnessing the reason everyone is gathered to celebrate.

    If you want private and personal, I would suggest a small ceremony and reception with the people you feel comfortable with at your ceremony. Otherwise, I'd suggest getting comfortable with sharing it with the balance of your guest list.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    While I'm familiar with the Mormon temple requirements that prohibit any non-Mormons in good standing from entering and thus attending ceremonies in the temple, if this isn't the reason why you want to exclude people from attending your ceremony, I think it would bother me to be invited to the reception only.  If you really want a big celebration later, then it honestly doesn't make sense to me to exclude everyone from the underlying event that is the reason for the celebration.

    If "private" and "personal" is important to you, then I think the celebration afterwards needs to also be "private" and "personal."  Trying to have it both ways does seem to be hurtful to those people who "don't make the cut."
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    TheBaysideBrideTheBaysideBride member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    Kimmie - if he's bummed about not having a large group for the ceremony, will he be equally bummed that he only has a few people at a 100-person reception?
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