Sister-in-Law as the center of attention

justmekimmie · August 2013

After bending over backwards last month for my Brother and his wife's Sealing (they're active LDS/Mormon and did a civil ceremony last year and got Sealed in the Mormon Temple for their 1 year anniversary), my SIL has started making life a little difficult. I took their announcement pictures for free, baked over 10 dozen cookies the night before because she decided at 11 PM that she NEEDED them, set her up with a professional photographer friend for next to nothing ($200 which is beyond cheap for a pro), and my FH and I set up the reception including hauling all the food there ... and we never even got a thank you from her. My FH & I got engaged a few days before their reception but didn't make a big deal out of it until after their reception so we wouldn't steal their thunder. She's been nothing but catty lately when it comes to anything wedding related - especially when she found out she's not a bridesmaid. My brother is one of my best friends and a groomsman & she's driving a wedge!

My mom suggested including her on more things to ease the tension but I don't know how to include her so she doesn't get even more ticked at me but still keep her as a very minimal role so she won't ruin my happy love bubble lol. She went dress shopping with me once but refused to go again when I got the dress (she told my sister that she felt that she had done more for me than one of my Co-MOHs and that it was insulting to be there with her when she wasn't even an attendant). And I have asked her to help me make a flower girl tutu for my niece. But she still feels left out and is acting bitter.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

I would stop asking her to help. It's not anyone else's job to do DIY or otherwise with you. Let her be mad about not being a BM. Stop thinking about what you've done for her and let it go.

SP29 · August 2013

Yikes!

You absolutely have no obligation to include her in your bridal party. But trying to include her in things that she doesn't really want to be a part of to try and make her feel better... won't. Ask her first if she would like to be included in anything, if anything. If not, I would keep the wedding talk to a minimum with her.

Good luck- I don't envy your position.

justmekimmie · August 2013

When I first started talking about wedding stuff and that I wanted my niece to be in a cute tutu she got excited and said that she loved making those and would help so I figured it would be a safe thing to include her in ... but now that her reception is over, she has turned into this completely different and bitter person. I hardly recognize her. I would never want to force her into doing anything and I definitely don't want to rub her nose in the fact that she's not a BM .. but she's my brother's wife and he's one of my best friends. I don't want her to feel estranged because of course he's going to be loyal to her and her feelings if she's upset - he's a great husband! I really just don't want him to feel like he's stuck in the middle of any drama between his wife and his sister.

[Deleted User] · August 2013

When planning things I tried to limit my discussion of wedding events with everyone. When people gave me suggestions, it was smile and "Thank you for the idea, I'll check into that."

She's not going to get over not being a BM. If you and your brother are so close, I would try to have a conversation with him that you want to make SIL feel included and part of the family on your special day, short of making her a BM is there anything thing he could suggest on how you could include her. Maybe she's just jealous of your wedding and no matter what you do will make a big ordeal about it.

Jen4948 · August 2013

If the only way she'll feel "included" is for you to make her a BM, and you don't want to, she is never going to feel "included" no matter what else you ask from her.

I'd just stop talking about your wedding with her. She needs to get over it without pressure of any kind from you.

justmekimmie · August 2013

I think I'm just involved in a lose lose situation with her. When I don't talk with her about wedding stuff she trashes me behind my back talking about how she's never included. But talking with her about stuff seems to bring out the same reaction. I don't want to start drama but she has said on numerous occasions that she likes to stir the pot when she's bored. The more I get my brother involved the more awkward and confused he feels. I guess I'm just gonna have to suck it up and ignore her cattiness the best I can.

I'm just worried about the long run - not just the wedding. I don't want her to keep slowly driving this wedge in our family. But if I confront her about it I know it has the likelihood of becoming a much bigger deal. She's already disowned her own mother and several siblings in her own family. I don't want to lose my brother over something like this if she decides she's through with me too. I know he would never completely abandon his family .... but I can only imagine how hard that situation would be on him and the pressure he would be under from both sides.

NYCMercedes · August 2013

Why don't you steer the conversation to get her to talk about herself. Ask her about her job, her outfit, etc. People love to talk about themselves. You'll end up being bored to tears, but she won't have any ammo to use on you.

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

Let her be the center of attention in the world inside her head. When you speak to her, just let her talk about herself.

Skip talking to her about the planning unless she asks.
Skip including her in your planning unless she asks to do something for you.
Skip putting your brother in the center.

I think you'll be fine.

Bubbles2014 · August 2013

There is no need to include her in anything, so don't worry about that. Don't talk to her about the wedding at all.

Grabows14 · August 2013

@nycmercedes has a great point. Just talk to her about her. Or talk about future things with her and your brother

justmekimmie · August 2013

**Latest update** she's now going around showing EVERYONE a picture of me in my dress and saying how she wished I would have gotten the one she suggested. She even tried showing my FH!!! Luckily he caught on and shoved her phone away when she slid it across the table to him. I asked her to delete it or at least stop showing it because I want my dress to be a surprise. She replied by saying that's a stupid tradition and people had the right to tell me their opinions on my dress and maybe THEY could talk some sense into me! My dress is simple and beautiful and I love it. It fits my personality, my FH is going to love it, my mom actually cried when I got it (sooo out of character), and my ridiculously fashion savvy MODEL sister says that it is beyond perfect for me and the venue.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

She sounds like a nut. Just let her keep acting crazy and people will form their own opinions. She'll dig her own grave. Stop talking to her at all about your wedding.

justmekimmie · August 2013

Yep - I have avoided alllll wedding talk with her or even around her since I got that first suggestion. Today when she tried to show FH the dress was the first time I've brought anything up and will continue to keep away from the topic once again. I keep steering the conversation towards the house they're trying to get.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

She's definitely going to be a trouble maker. And you're right - not just for the wedding, but probably throughout her relationship with your brother. You'll find good ways of coping with her. With people like her, usually the less you say the better. I wouldn't include her in anything wedding related. I wouldn't talk about it with her.

APDSS22 · August 2013

Smart move to circle the conversation around to her. Keep avoiding wedding talk and hopefully she won't drive you crazy.

TheBaysideBride · August 2013

I'm so sorry you have to deal w/ this - my first reaction was just to include her but hearing how awful she's being - steer clear. There is definitely something she is upset about in her OWN life - and you won't be able to change it. Two of my close friends were upset they weren't BMs - one got right over it, travelled to NYC for my bachelorette and was a hueg help the entire wedding weekend. THe other one, who I did ask to do a reading, didn't get her ticket til the week of the wedding, complained that everything was expensive, wore a crazy short cocktail dress (to a black tie wedding), totalyl changed the reading I gave her (and made it all about her - literally I was standing under the huppah listening to her freestyle a terrible reading) and just was all in all a mess. So it goes, don't let it bother you too much. And definitely consider her off limits.

SP29 · August 2013

She sounds more like a crazypants- going around showing everyone your dress, not only telling you what dress to get, but that the one you chose was a bad choice?!?! She sounds jealous, and/or something is going on in her personal life that she's trying to make herself feel better about.

The dress is YOUR dress- you love it, and that is all that matters. Don't let any change your opinion of that. But you also know that your mom and sister love it too- I'm sure it is perfect.

ktmeyers92 · August 2013

Its sounds like that since all the attention is no longer on her, she's jealous and is trying to bring you down because of it. Like the saying goes, Misery loves company. Just ignore her and stay clear of her is my best advice.

justmekimmie · August 2013

I'm grateful for all the support and advice ... and that I'm not the only one who thinks that she's difficult!

phira · August 2013

She is definitely out of line here, and from what you've told us (and from the updates), I would NOT include her in anything. You can't win with her--unless you make her a bridesmaid she's going to be an asshole, but you KNOW that if she were a bridesmaid she'd STILL be an asshole.

First piece of advice: This is not YOUR fault or problem. If she drives a wedge in your family, it's because she is a gross person who is a wedge-driver. You are not the person who "let" her drive a wedge. Your brother brought her into the family; while he's not "in charge" of her, she's his problem. I can't tell if your mom is still pressuring you to include your sister-in-law, but ignore her if she is. You are not being rude or immature here at all, and you shouldn't have to bend over backwards to appease this woman who cannot be appeased and is being CRUEL to you.

How to deal with her? Just keep doing what you're doing, for sure. If you hear from someone that she's talking trash behind your back, I would tell the person, "I appreciate that you're letting me know. In the future, though, it would mean a lot to me if you kept me in the dark, unless she said something you thought I needed to hear. It stresses me out to hear about the things she's saying behind my back, especially since it's already so upsetting to hear some of the things she says in front of me!"

justmekimmie · August 2013

Phira - I definitely like your suggestion of requesting that people only inform me of her back-biting comments if they feel it's truly vital information. You're right - hearing all of it is adding unnecessary stress to me and my FH when people tell him about it. That's a great plan that I think most of my friends and family members will respect.

phira · August 2013

Yeah, I think that sometimes, people think they're being helpful by giving you evidence (sometimes they are helpful!), but in this case, it really sounds like your sister-in-law is a major piece of work who isn't going to change. It won't be helpful to know that she's saying mean stuff!

TheBaysideBride · August 2013

Kimmie - if it's helpful, my sister was also a bit of a handful before my wedding, and I was concerned she would upset me during the weekend w/ her bit of jealousy, so two of my BMs who knew her basically told me they were on sister duty, and made sure she wasn't up in my grill or saying passive aggressive things to me. they kept a drink in her hand and it was really helpful to chill the dynamic.

MichelleNicole101113 · August 2013

She sounds like a nightmare! This is only my opinion but just tell yourself and her if she needs to hear it, that this is YOUR day not hers. It is for you and your fiance to share your love with family and friends. Unfortunately I am having similar issues with my future sister in law. She threw a major hissy fit when she found out she wasn't a bridesmaid and we had to let her be one to shut her up. Then she refused to help with anything and told us we should un-invite people to invite people she wants. When we said no she backed out of the wedding completely and is not refusing to go and telling people our wedding is canceled. Try to ignore her if you can and focus on you and how wonderful your day will be!

justmekimmie · August 2013

oh wow @MichelleNicole101113 .... you FSIL sounds way worse. I can't believe she's putting you and your fiance through all of that. Hopefully things will calm down for you, too!

MichelleNicole101113 · September 2013

Thanks @justmekimmie She hasn't gotten any better but we are choosing to ignore her and if she shows up to the wedding then fine. Hopefully your sister in law calms down and you have a wonderful day!

jacobsgorgeous · December 2013

justmekimmie said:

After bending over backwards last month for my Brother and his wife's Sealing (they're active LDS/Mormon and did a civil ceremony last year and got Sealed in the Mormon Temple for their 1 year anniversary), my SIL has started making life a little difficult. I took their announcement pictures for free, baked over 10 dozen cookies the night before because she decided at 11 PM that she NEEDED them, set her up with a professional photographer friend for next to nothing ($200 which is beyond cheap for a pro), and my FH and I set up the reception including hauling all the food there ... and we never even got a thank you from her. My FH & I got engaged a few days before their reception but didn't make a big deal out of it until after their reception so we wouldn't steal their thunder. She's been nothing but catty lately when it comes to anything wedding related - especially when she found out she's not a bridesmaid. My brother is one of my best friends and a groomsman & she's driving a wedge!

My mom suggested including her on more things to ease the tension but I don't know how to include her so she doesn't get even more ticked at me but still keep her as a very minimal role so she won't ruin my happy love bubble lol. She went dress shopping with me once but refused to go again when I got the dress (she told my sister that she felt that she had done more for me than one of my Co-MOHs and that it was insulting to be there with her when she wasn't even an attendant). And I have asked her to help me make a flower girl tutu for my niece. But she still feels left out and is acting bitter.

The only point I have to add is that maybe a thank-you note is still on the way. They can take a while simply because of life and quantity. Maybe instead of inviting her to wedding things you could do more just friends things like go see a movie or shopping. That way she could see the difference in your relationship now vs how it would be to be better friends. It might also help her lose some of the cattiness.

climbingsingle · December 2013

@jacobsgorgeous - please don't bump old threads. This was posted back in August.

Sister-in-Law as the center of attention

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