Perfume Allergies

AllyV14 · August 2013

My future FIL is allergic to perfumes. He has tried every remedy available, with limited success. Everyday hygiene products like shampoo and deoderant are fine, but concentrated amounts of perfume and colonge are not. He can get through church normally, but never goes on Christmas or Easter because there's so much more people and perfume those days. I fear our wedding will be the same, and I certainly don't want to end our reception with a trip to the emergency room (that happened a few Christmases ago).

I MUST make it clear to my guests that they can't wear any scented products beyond deoderant to the wedding, but I'm not sure how. Can I put this information on the invitations, on the bottom and in small lettering? I would include it on a separate card inside the invitation, but that's one more piece of stationary I have to pay for and more weight, therefore more postage. I have already omitted a directions card for the same reason (not including the postage we save, omitting it saved me $60), and I know people have GPSs anyway.

And how should I word the request? I was thinking "Due to allergies in the wedding party, we request that guests refrain from wearing perfume." I don't really want to specify who, because that's a private matter.

Also, I've seen a few posts on this subject from a few years ago (the bride herself actually had the allergy in that case), and some people got nasty, saying that it was very rude to ask guests not to wear scented products. Please don't. Sorry if it's rude, but I'm more worried about my FIL going to the ER than being a little rude.

aurianna · August 2013

Can you have your wedding outside? If you're not confined in a closed area it might not matter if people have perfume.

That option aside, I wouldn't put anything about no perfumes with the invites. It sends the message to your guests that you're a huge control freak even though you have the very good intention of keeping your fiance healthy. Dictating guests' personal hygiene ritual just isn't going to fly with etiquette IMO.

This seems like a word-of-mouth sort of deal. His family should already know, and if they don't, I'm sure he has a few close family members that wouldn't mind trickling that info around.

Normally I wouldn't advise this, but as its a health issue you could probably say something on your wedding website without getting side-eyed by too many.

If enough people find out via word-of-mouth and maybe the website, hopefully there won't be enough to cause problems.

But plan your floorplan accordingly. Can you position the sweetheart table / head table close to an exit? Can you put the people you might worry about wearing a lot of scent at a table a little further from the bridal party / food?

Jen4948 · August 2013

aurianna said:

Can you have your wedding outside? If you're not confined in a closed area it might not matter if people have perfume.

That option aside, I wouldn't put anything about no perfumes with the invites. It sends the message to your guests that you're a huge control freak even though you have the very good intention of keeping your fiance healthy. Dictating guests' personal hygiene ritual just isn't going to fly with etiquette IMO.

This seems like a word-of-mouth sort of deal. His family should already know, and if they don't, I'm sure he has a few close family members that wouldn't mind trickling that info around.

Normally I wouldn't advise this, but as its a health issue you could probably say something on your wedding website without getting side-eyed by too many.

If enough people find out via word-of-mouth and maybe the website, hopefully there won't be enough to cause problems.

But plan your floorplan accordingly. Can you position the sweetheart table / head table close to an exit? Can you put the people you might worry about wearing a lot of scent at a table a little further from the bridal party / food?

I have to agree. Not only is it not really acceptable per etiquette, but people may well ignore any requests that perfumes not be worn.

Besides the ones aurianna lists above, are there any other precautions your FI can take? Can he take any medications that protect himself from allergens?

AllyV14 · August 2013

All good ideas. I do like putting it on my wedding website. Unfortunately there's nothing I can do about the floor plans. We're having a winter wedding (so everything will be inside), and a cocktail-style reception with no seating plan.

AllyV14 · August 2013

He's tried all sorts of medications. They help some, but not enough for this. And I think I may have mis-typed, it's my future father-in-law.

APDSS22 · August 2013

If you're particularly worried about specific guests, you could mention it privately to them. That way you could try to cut down the overall odors going on and they'd be more likely to pay attention since it won't just be a note on your wedding website they could skip over. Otherwise, hopefully your FFIL will be prepared to step outside for fresh air or escape to his car or something before it gets ER bad.

SomethingBeautiful08 · August 2013

Would a small note, printed on regular paper included with the invite be an option? One sixths of a piece of paper might not throw you over the edge on postage the way that a piece of card stock. "Due to a severe allergy in the family to strong orders the Bride and Groom ask that you please not wear perfume or cologne" I'd put it on the website, but also expect someone to ignore it and make sure that your FFIL always has a clear exit. You could also "reserve" an extra row between where your FFIL is sitting and the rest of the guests and ask your ushers if you have them to seat family or close friends that would be sensitive and give him a buffer.

SingleMom31 · August 2013

Given that its for a health reason, I think you should imclude it. That said, I think it would muddy up your invite and would put it on an enclosure card. I had a dr that had the same issue, and when you made an appt and when they called with the reminder, they reminded you not to wear anything scented... I can't imagine anyone taking offense if you mention that it's an allergy.

AllyV14 · August 2013

That's what I was assuming too. I wouldn't be insulted if I got a wedding invitation like that. I really like the idea of a slip of regular paper in the invitation envelope. Won't hurt the postage like another piece of card stock would and makes sure everyone knows. I'm pretty sure if I put it ONLY on my wedding website people wouldn't see it. And word of mouth just doesn't feel like it would be adequate. And we'll make sure he has an exit route if he needs it.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

I think this is a 'know your audience' thing. If I got that, I wouldn't be bothered at all, since I would probably wear perfume and would be horrified if my perfume gave someone a reaction. Do you think your circle would be offended? I also would be more worried about FFIL than being slightly rude.

STARMOON44 · August 2013

Honestly I'm not sure putting it on the invite will even work. I put on perfume everytime I get dressed. It's not that I'm opposed to skipping it, but it's a really ingrained habit that a note on an invitation I saw 8 weeks ago won't be enough to change.

I think that's part of the reason why brides are often told not to be controlling about this. Not because we want FFIL to get sick, but because there's really no way you can control this, and you're better off preparing for that with open windows, fans, air filters, plants, putting all the parents on sears on the alter to watch etc, than relying on a note, whether it's on an invite, website, or a blimp.

banana468 · August 2013

Can you also make sure that your FFIL and FMIL are seated in the front row or 2nd row behind the GM by themselves? That will help the scent issue while you have the ceremony.

Since there isn't much you can do for seating at the reception (I assume seats are assigned), can you make sure that your GM/ushers seat anyone that's potentially offensive away from your FIL?

And spread this via word of mouth and on your wedding webpage. I don't think putting it in the invitation would be a good idea but work it into conversation. "We're having X type of centerpiece because it doesn't smell. Otherwise my FFIL would be rushed to the ER. That's why we're asking guests not to wear perfume too."

OliveOilsMom · August 2013

For the same reason Starmoon stated, I don't think people will remember the small blurb written in the invitation requesting no perfumes. Spread this through word of mouth. If you are having a shower, make sure it gets spread around there. As the shower should have about half (or so) of your invite list.

HisGirlFriday13 · August 2013

I'm in the camp that thinks a small enclosure card is fine -- not everyone is going to go to your wedding website, and a printed piece of paper has a better chance than a website of sticking in people's memories.

Because it's an allergy, not a preference, I think an enclosure is OK. You're not being controlling, you're being proactively protective and that's totally OK.

But do please have an emergency plan, because people will forget; it's just the nature of things. Are there any options for neutralising the effect on your FFIL? Febreeze, scent-neutralising candles? Could you use that?

Simply Fated · August 2013

I agree with Starmoon in that I'd probably forget.

Even if you choose to go ahead with this plan, please have a Plan B just in case someone makes an honest mistake and spritzes on some perfume before heading out the door.

ElcaB · August 2013

This is tough. Because this is a medical issue, I think it's acceptable to request that your guests refrain from wearing perfume/cologne to the wedding. However, I'd neglect to include it with your invites. Put it somewhere on your wedding website and be sure to word it carefully, i.e., "Due to severe allergies, please refrain from wearing perfume/cologne to the wedding ceremony & reception."

TheBaysideBride · August 2013

i like the idea of a small insert, given that it's a real health concern, and also word of mouth. It's unusual enough that people might remember, and it's a very easy request to respect as long as people remember.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

I would forget. I would not expect your guests to remember this - whether or not you include it in the invite. I just don't think it's possible to mitigate this risk like you want to.

Honestly, I would move your wedding. A winter wedding where you know you have to be inside with closed doors and closed windows is probably the worst environment for someone with an allergy like this. If you are seriously concerned about your FFIL's health, I think planning an outdoor wedding in the spring/summer and an open air reception (under a tent) would be the best bet.

[Deleted User] · August 2013

I think this is a unique situation that doesn't follow the normal etiquette guidelines. I don't think it is wrong to asks guests that "due to severe allergy issues, we are asking guests to please refrain from wearing perfurmes/cologne, scented lotions and deoderant (some men's deoderants are very strong). It's a medical condition, not a bridezilla saying wear certain clothing because I want a certain look. I would put it on website, pass the word around. Not sure if it's best to put it on invite, rsvp card or a little insert.

Good luck & I hope your guests honor your request so that your FIL can enjoy the day with you.

Abbyjensen · August 2013

I would go with pp and put an insert and mention it on the wedding website. Some people may forget, but hopefully enough people remember that the it isn't a problem.

harper0813 · August 2013

I also don't see a problem with a small insert in the invitation suite informing guests of a severe allergy and requesting they not wear perfume. I would also post it on the website and spread it by word of mouth. To me, risking sending someone to the hospital over perfume/cologne (which are not necessary for everyday life) is more of an issue than the etiquette of what goes in an invitation.

Some guests may forget, but hopefully enough will remember for it to be comparable to a regular mass as opposed to Christmas mass.

If many of your guests are traveling - I know I don't pack perfume when I travel, and maybe they're similar to me? Or I'm just a smelly weirdo?

Grabows14 · August 2013

I think word of mouth will be the most effective way. No one I know reads wedding websites for information like that. But that's just my opinion.

AllyV14 · August 2013

Thank you ladies for all your help! I have decided to put it on an insert in the invitation envelope AND on the wedding website. And make sure it gets passed around by word of mouth at the shower. If I come off as controlling to a few people, than that is a small price to pay. Like a PP said, it's not a preference, it's a medical condition of a very key member in the event. And while I don't want to advertise who it is, saying that it's a member of the wedding party indicates that the person is important.

To answer a few questions, it's not so severe that if a few people forget (or even half), it will be an emergency. He has been navigating this situation for years and can feel when it's getting time that he needs some fresh air. And he will have a quick exit. If he absolutely cannot be inside, then he will probably stand near a doorway to watch the party (but obviously that would be the worst case scenario, short of an actual ER trip). During photos, we will put him near people who are likely to have remembered.

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