Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bridesmaid wanted

One of my bridesmaid's brother just got engaged last weekend. So monday my bridesmaid told me that her brother set a tentative wedding date, the same day as my wedding!!! In only 4 months! Well today she confirmed it and that she won't be able to be in my wedding anymore. What do I do?!?! We had an equal number of attendants. I'm angry...should I not be?

Re: Bridesmaid wanted

  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    First Comment
    edited July 2010
    it stinks, but what are you going to do? Have a pity party for a minute. Then, tell her you understand, but will really miss her. And you don't have to have equal sides.




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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-wanted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec5d2353-667d-492e-ad06-58676d5b1bcePost:a9d02ec5-a764-4b47-99c5-a7084871c2f4">Bridesmaid wanted</a>:
    [QUOTE]One of my bridesmaid's brother just got engaged last weekend. So monday my bridesmaid told me that her brother set a tentative wedding date, the same day as my wedding!!! In only 4 months! Well today she confirmed it and that she won't be able to be in my wedding anymore. What do I do?!?! We had an equal number of attendants. I'm angry...should I not be?
    Posted by korilla269[/QUOTE]
    Who exactly are you angry at?  Your BM, who chose her brother's wedding over yours?  Or her brother, who didn't bother to consult you before planning his wedding?

    Does it suck, of course.  Take 5 minutes to feel sorry for yourself and move on.  Do not ask anyone to replace her; it's a slap in the face to the person that you would ask, because it implies that he/she wasn't good enough to have been asked the first time around.  Uneven sides are FINE.
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  • You can be hurt and disappointed, but face it her brother's wedding is going to win over yours.  You really don't need an even number, our WP isn't even.  But if it's really important you can ask someone else of course then you need to expect that people may not want to be your second string.
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  • Well I would be stressed, sure. But you can't really direct your anger at her as it was not her fault. He is her brother and if I had to choose family over friend I would most likely choose family, though would hate having to choose in the first place. Do you have any relatives or friends that would mind stepping in for her? If you can't find a replacement, you could always explain the situation to one of the groomsmen and maybe find another way for him to be part of the wedding. I'm sure he would understand seeing how it's not at all your fault and there's not really much else you can do. Hope that helped.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-wanted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec5d2353-667d-492e-ad06-58676d5b1bcePost:8ce35ad0-4d9a-488e-812f-d57a9bca12a6">Re: Bridesmaid wanted</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well I would be stressed, sure. But you can't really direct your anger at her as it was not her fault. He is her brother and if I had to choose family over friend I would most likely choose family, though would hate having to choose in the first place. Do you have any relatives or friends that would mind stepping in for her? If you can't find a replacement, you could always explain the situation to one of the groomsmen and maybe find another way for him to be part of the wedding. I'm sure he would understand seeing how it's not at all your fault and there's not really much else you can do. Hope that helped.
    Posted by Sasspanz[/QUOTE]

    You are suggesting she kicks out a GM to make it even? NO. Horrible advice. The GM are picked by the groom. You want to destroy the groom's friendship with someone to make the WP even. No.

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  • If this was you and your brother, what would you do?

    I am sure almost everyone here can agree they'd choose family over friend.

    If it bothers you to have uneven w party, then choose another bridesmaid
  • Be mad /pouty/disappointed for a day - its totally understandable and go ahead and have your fabulous wedding day with the party you have already chosen.  Do not ask for a stand in or kick one groomsman out (I can't believe that was suggested!)  It will be ok - I promise.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-wanted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec5d2353-667d-492e-ad06-58676d5b1bcePost:8ce35ad0-4d9a-488e-812f-d57a9bca12a6">Re: Bridesmaid wanted</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well I would be stressed, sure. But you can't really direct your anger at her as it was not her fault. He is her brother and if I had to choose family over friend I would most likely choose family, though would hate having to choose in the first place. Do you have any relatives or friends that would mind stepping in for her? If you can't find a replacement, you could always explain the situation to one of the groomsmen and maybe find another way for him to be part of the wedding. I'm sure he would understand seeing how it's not at all your fault and there's not really much else you can do. Hope that helped.
    Posted by Sasspanz[/QUOTE]

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    Bad advice.  Bad, bad advice.
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  • That really sucks, and I can see why you'd be bummed. There isn't anything you can do about it, and replacing her with another friend would be insulting to the new BM. However, I will be a BM in your wedding if you pay for my dress, hotel, flight, and booze. (Sorry, the title of your post amused me)
  • I don't see a problem with asking someone else to be a bridesmaid, seriously some people really overthink this stuff. It's your wedding, if you want even sides and have someone else in mind, just ask her!.
  • Just have one bridesmaid walk down the aisle with two groomsmen, or have the best man go into the ceremony with your groom.  No one will notice there is an uneven number of attendants.

    I agree that you shouldn't replace her.  I'm not sure I would be thrilled to pay for an ugly dress (and let's face it, most bridesmaid dresses are ugly) to be someone's second choice.

    I'm sorry this happened to you; it sucks that your friend can't be there.

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  • Good grief it was just an idea lol. I wasn't suggesting kicking him out of the wedding party entirely, I just meant if she wanted to keep it even. What if OP has her heart set on an even wedding party?? The only thing you can do is either find something else for one of the groomsmen or find someone else for a bridesmaid. I didn't say the advice was set in stone and it's what she had to do, I said that if she wanted to keep it even that's pretty much her only options. calm yourselves people. I personally wouldn't care if my wedding party wasn't even and I wouldn't ask anyone to step in or step out, but in her OP it seemed as if it was important for her for it to be even... do YOU have any seggestions on how to keep it even without anyone stepping in or out?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-wanted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec5d2353-667d-492e-ad06-58676d5b1bcePost:2af52fa9-a0d6-4833-a7c2-d8d88d3f5079">Re: Bridesmaid wanted</a>:
    [QUOTE]Good grief it was just an idea lol. I wasn't suggesting kicking him out of the wedding party entirely, I just meant if she wanted to keep it even. What if OP has her heart set on an even wedding party?? The only thing you can do is either find something else for one of the groomsmen or find someone else for a bridesmaid. I didn't say the advice was set in stone and it's what she had to do, I said that if she wanted to keep it even that's pretty much her only options. calm yourselves people. I personally wouldn't care if my wedding party wasn't even and I wouldn't ask anyone to step in or step out, but in her OP it seemed as if it was important for her for it to be even... do YOU have any seggestions on how to keep it even without anyone stepping in or out?
    Posted by Sasspanz[/QUOTE]
    Yeah.  The advice was to not worry about having an even wedding party.  I certainly hope that in 20 years, when OP looks back at her wedding pictures, she'll be looking at the faces of everyone that she loves, not counting heads.  Wedding parties are about surrounding yourself with the people that are nearest and dearest to your heart; not symmetry.
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  • Why does it need to be even is the question? You never ask anyone to step out or step down...unless you want that relationship tarnished for life.    That really was horrible advice. 

    It's no one's fault, so no one should have to take the hit for this.  Leave everything as is.  I agree with NillaWafer, have the best man walk down with the groom.  There you go, even steven!


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  • exactly, and I agree, I wouldn't worry about an even wedding party either as I stated in my second post, I wouldn't be taking a headcount either.  Like I said, I thought that was important to her so I gave her the only 2 options I could think of if that was what she wanted... as for me, an uneven wedding party is perfectly acceptable.
  • Sass - one thing that you'll learn around here is that we don't like to validate bad behavior.  In your mind, you were suggesting it, thinking that she would be rational enough to know that asking someone to step down from the wedding party is a bad idea.  Unfortunately, OPs like this will latch onto that ONE post that validates their decision, even if there are 50 posters saying that it's a bad idea.  10:1 she comes back here and says, "THANK YOU, Sass!" but ignores everyone else. 
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  • Some people like Even. I'm wierd like that with some things, everyone has their quirks. Just because you don't share the passion for balanced parties doesn't mean that it can't be a priority in someone elses wedding.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-wanted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec5d2353-667d-492e-ad06-58676d5b1bcePost:db1736c5-ee05-4570-a7ea-e9ec8a319e8b">Re: Bridesmaid wanted</a>:
    [QUOTE]Some people like Even. I'm wierd like that with some things, everyone has their quirks. Just because you don't share the passion for balanced parties doesn't mean that it can't be a priority in someone elses wedding.
    Posted by Belle2Be[/QUOTE]
    Unless you are clinically diagnosed OCD, with a particular tendency towards evenness in life, I would say that person has a screwed up sense of priority.  Pretty pictures should NEVER take priority over your loved ones.  Never.       
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-wanted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec5d2353-667d-492e-ad06-58676d5b1bcePost:31e6ffa6-cc6d-4b52-b722-b98c67a23148">Re: Bridesmaid wanted</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid wanted : Unless you are clinically diagnosed OCD, with a particular tendency towards evenness in life, I would say that person has a screwed up sense of priority.  Pretty pictures should NEVER take priority over your loved ones.  Never.       
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
    I'm not talking about removing a groom, I'm talking about the Movement against adding a "b-list" bridesmaid.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-wanted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec5d2353-667d-492e-ad06-58676d5b1bcePost:69e52188-f931-439d-8563-c28fd10db7f2">Re: Bridesmaid wanted</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sass - one thing that you'll learn around here is that we don't like to validate bad behavior.  In your mind, you were suggesting it, thinking that she would be rational enough to know that asking someone to step down from the wedding party is a bad idea.  Unfortunately, OPs like this will latch onto that ONE post that validates their decision, even if there are 50 posters saying that it's a bad idea.  10:1 she comes back here and says, "THANK YOU, Sass!" but ignores everyone else. 
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

    Point taken. I'm not some horrible person that would say "hey just kick a dude out" even though that's kinda how it sounded and I would not do that, but everyone has their own opinions and dreams about how their wedding day will be. I guess this newbie has a thing or two to learn about how things are taken around here. I apologize and no offense meant.
  • I just don't think I would do that to a friend who I already committed to. In my mind, I would tell my brother I already committed to being in a wedding that was in the works for over a year and say if he wanted me to be in it, it would have to be another weekend. But that's just the way I was brought up. You make a committment, you keep it. The only reason I can think of that her brother *HAS* to get married on that exact day is shotgun!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-wanted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec5d2353-667d-492e-ad06-58676d5b1bcePost:c0a5be17-0307-463c-bdfd-01a167bf4736">Re: Bridesmaid wanted</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid wanted : I'm not talking about removing a groom, I'm talking about the Movement against adding a "b-list" bridesmaid.
    Posted by Belle2Be[/QUOTE]
    So, you don't think that adding someone after the fact will make them feel like a backup bridesmaid?    

    "Hi Jane.  You know how I told you months ago that we had chosen our wedding party?  Yeah, well...  Suzie can't make it, so I was wondering if you would take over for her."
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  • tidetraveltidetravel member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited July 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-wanted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec5d2353-667d-492e-ad06-58676d5b1bcePost:f7666e7c-2741-40d0-bad9-7a7c2f4790e5">Re: Bridesmaid wanted</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just don't think I would do that to a friend who I already committed to. In my mind, I would tell my brother I already committed to being in a wedding that was in the works for over a year and say if he wanted me to be in it, it would have to be another weekend. But that's just the way I was brought up. You make a committment, you keep it. The only reason I can think of that her brother *HAS* to get married on that exact day is shotgun!
    Posted by korilla269[/QUOTE]
    She may very well have said that exact thing.  But, brother has to choose the wedding date that works for him and his FI, and unfortunately, your wedding does not fall in the scope of his consideration.

    Yes, it sucks, but it doesn't make her a bad friend that she chose her brother's wedding over yours.

    Sass - I never meant to imply that you were a bad person.  Stick around :)
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  • Thanks :)

    and to focus on the main point I was trying to make is yes, it is stressful especially with so much planning done and the date getting closer, but I wouldn't focus your stress on her just for the simple fact that she has absolutely no control over the date of her brothers wedding and if I were in her shoes, I would choose my brother first too. And that wouldn't be an offense to you, just that family comes first, but I would be upset that I would have to choose anyways. I'm sure she's already disappointed that she couldn't make it to yours, and that makes her a good friend, not a bad one.

  • It is what it is. Being mad is pointless, things happen. Uneven bridal parties are okay, or you can ask someone else, although that may present a time crunch and your newbie BM may feel 2nd rate.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-wanted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec5d2353-667d-492e-ad06-58676d5b1bcePost:db1736c5-ee05-4570-a7ea-e9ec8a319e8b">Re: Bridesmaid wanted</a>:
    [QUOTE]Some people like Even. I'm wierd like that with some things, everyone has their quirks. Just because you don't <strong>share the passion for balanced parties</strong> doesn't mean that it can't be a priority in someone elses wedding.
    Posted by Belle2Be[/QUOTE]

    yeah, sorry. i have a passion for treating my friends like people instead of props.

    OP: it is an unfortunate situation, and i do feel badly for you. but this is an etiquette board, and proper etiquette isn't to ask anyone else or to un-ask a GM.

    i think the more disappointing part of this is that one of your very close friends (i'm assuming you're close, since you asked her to be a BM) won't be able to attend your wedding at all. but that's life.

    you're going to have a beautiful wedding no matter what!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-wanted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec5d2353-667d-492e-ad06-58676d5b1bcePost:db1736c5-ee05-4570-a7ea-e9ec8a319e8b">Re: Bridesmaid wanted</a>:
    [QUOTE]Some people like Even. I'm wierd like that with some things, everyone has their quirks. Just because you don't<strong> share the passion for balanced parties</strong> doesn't mean that it can't be a priority in someone elses wedding.
    Posted by Belle2Be[/QUOTE]


    Really?  Its a passion?  You are not passionate about maintaining great friendships, but you are passionate about balanced parties?  Haha.
    As a side note, I am "quirky" about spelling...its weird, not wierd. 
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  • OP, I think a lot of people were brought up with you make a commitment you stick to it.  However, a lot of people were also brought up with family trumps all.  You may not always be her friend but he will always be her brother. 
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