Wedding Etiquette Forum

Advice about who comes to dress fitting

acj928acj928 member
10 Comments First Anniversary
edited August 2013 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My mom died when I was very young and my grandparents were my guardians.  For the past several years, my grandmother has been pretty immobile and it's very hard for her to go places.  She was able to come when I picked out my dress but it was difficult and everything.  Her sister, my great aunt, also came.  Let's call her Beth.  Beth is pretty old, over 80 (but she is in better shape than my grandmother who is 5 years younger).  I used to live near Beth and we used to shop a lot.  She also gave me a lot of financial help when I was just out of college.  But these days, she just bothers me a lot (I know I sound terrible.. but you know.. old people can be difficult).  Anyway, my FI and I are paying for the wedding.  My grandmother begged to buy my wedding dress so I let her (even though I said no at first).  Beth really wanted to contribute too and so I let her buy the veil.  She wants to buy accessories too, but I've already bought that stuff.

Anyway, Beth keeps saying she really wants to come when I go get my dress altered.  The first time she brought it up was a long time ago and she said something which alluded to me not being able to make sure they do everything the way it should be done (she never worked in fashion or sewing or anything..so it's not like she would be an expert).  I don't remember exactly what she said, but I was sort of offended.  She has also said sort of negative things in the past - like when I first showed her my engagement ring her first comment was about how ugly my nail polish color was.  Or when I picked out my wedding dress she said something about my stomach (I got pretty upset and my grandmother told her to be quiet). 

She also can be kind of embarrassing when shopping - like rude to sales people, doesn't say thank you, etc. I'm afraid she is going to be that way if she comes to the fitting and that she will want things a certain way, which I won't want.  (She can be really annoying that way - i.e. insisting over and over again that our second bedroom should have a couch and desk in it instead of be a guest bedroom... - stupid things like that).  

I posted this on the etiquette board because I don't know if since my grandmother paid for the dress and she's not very mobile, and my aunt "Beth" paid for the veil, if I'm obligated to let her come.  I guess I can just bite the bullet and bring my two co-maids-of-honor who know what my aunt is like and just be very assertive and clear that she's there to share in the experience and that's it.  What would you do?

Thanks.

P.S. I don't know why the spacing got messed up here when I was typing.
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Re: Advice about who comes to dress fitting

  • Whoever you want. If you want to go by yourself, that's fine too. Most of my BMs live OOT, so my mom and dad came with me to the first one. To the second and final I went alone. No big deal.
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  • Honestly, I wouldn't invite someone like that to MY dress fittings!
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  • I think if you bring her to your dress fitting she is going to make you feel bad about your dress or how it fits. At least, based on your description that's what I think. I'm not taking anyone to my dress fitting. That's kind of a more personal thing for me and all I really want to focus on is what the seamstress says and what they need to do to make my dress fit perfectly.
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  • acj928 said:
    My mom died when I was very young and my grandparents were my guardians.  For the past several years, my grandmother has been pretty immobile and it's very hard for her to go places.  She was able to come when I picked out my dress but it was difficult and everything.  Her sister, my great aunt, also came.  Let's call her Beth.  Beth is pretty old, over 80 (but she is in better shape than my grandmother who is 5 years younger).  I used to live near Beth and we used to shop a lot.  She also gave me a lot of financial help when I was just out of college.  But these days, she just bothers me a lot (I know I sound terrible.. but you know.. old people can be difficult).  Anyway, my FI and I are paying for the wedding.  My grandmother begged to buy my wedding dress so I let her (even though I said no at first).  Beth really wanted to contribute too and so I let her buy the veil.  She wants to buy accessories too, but I've already bought that stuff.

    Anyway, Beth keeps saying she really wants to come when I go get my dress altered.  The first time she brought it up was a long time ago and she said something which alluded to me not being able to make sure they do everything the way it should be done (she never worked in fashion or sewing or anything..so it's not like she would be an expert).  I don't remember exactly what she said, but I was sort of offended.  She has also said sort of negative things in the past - like when I first showed her my engagement ring her first comment was about how ugly my nail polish color was.  Or when I picked out my wedding dress she said something about my stomach (I got pretty upset and my grandmother told her to be quiet). 

    She also can be kind of embarrassing when shopping - like rude to sales people, doesn't say thank you, etc. I'm afraid she is going to be that way if she comes to the fitting and that she will want things a certain way, which I won't want.  (She can be really annoying that way - i.e. insisting over and over again that our second bedroom should have a couch and desk in it instead of be a guest bedroom... - stupid things like that).  

    I posted this on the etiquette board because I don't know if since my grandmother paid for the dress and she's not very mobile, and my aunt "Beth" paid for the veil, if I'm obligated to let her come.  I guess I can just bite the bullet and bring my two co-maids-of-honor who know what my aunt is like and just be very assertive and clear that she's there to share in the experience and that's it.  What would you do?

    Thanks.

    P.S. I don't know why the spacing got messed up here when I was typing.
    No you are not obligated to let anyone come. Regardless of if they paid for it. I would seriously bring someone who's advice you trust, who loves you and has your best interest in mind. Bring low stress people, so they don't piss off the seamstress, but will advocate for you when something doesn't go right.

    When I went to find my dress one of my bridesmaids continued to make loud remarks about my fat hanging out here and there. I did not invite her again. I brought my mom and sister to the alterations meetings, they are really objective and not overbearing.
  • I went alone to my first one because no one lives near me but my sister and mom came down for the final one because my sister is my MOH and my bustle is complicated.  I think it would've been awkward if anyone had been there for the first one because the dress didn't fit all that well but it was kinda nice to have people I care about see me in the final product.  I wouldn't invite Beth if I were you, she'll probably stress you and the salespeople out.
  • Thank you for all the supportive comments.  My aunt obviously does love me and care for me and she wants what is best.  I don't think she's aware of the way she is.  I just feel like she will be hurt and it will be a big deal and my grandmother will tell me to let my aunt come and it will turn into a big fight or something.  At least I know now I don't HAVE to let her come...
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  • You can bring anyone or no one. I was anxious about having my motehr there bc she is VERY opinionated and always tells me i need to lose weight, but miraculously, seeing my in that dress, she had nothing but beautiful things to say. It was a moment that meant a lot to her, so if you can swing it, it would be nice.

    If not, just send htem both photos of you in it so they feel included.

  • cap816 said:
    It's a fitting, why would you need someone there? Just go by yourself.
    I don't know.. she keeps saying she wants to come.  That's why I brought it up here.  I would like someone there with me though for company I guess, maybe?.  I've never had a fitting for anything before.  My family just wants to be involved as much as they can, I think, since they aren't paying for the wedding or planning any of it.
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  • acj928 said:
    cap816 said:
    It's a fitting, why would you need someone there? Just go by yourself.
    I don't know.. she keeps saying she wants to come.  That's why I brought it up here.  I would like someone there with me though for company I guess, maybe?.  I've never had a fitting for anything before.  My family just wants to be involved as much as they can, I think, since they aren't paying for the wedding or planning any of it.
    She wants to come. You can invite her if you like. In your original post you said she could be rude to people, I would skip her because I don't want her behavior to effect the level of customer service I receive.

    Your family can be excited and want to be involved. To be involved you do not have to pay for something.
  • huynhette said:

    Your family can be excited and want to be involved. To be involved you do not have to pay for something.
    I know - I only mentioned the paying part as being involved since when family pays for a wedding they typically have a say in the planning.
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  • My dress fittings are private affairs. I chose my dress shopping posse so that I would have a supportive party, a neutral party, and someone who would tell me if my ass looked big.

    Once I had the dress, there was no more room for opinions. The end. It's been me and my seamstress since then. I consider her an authority in the trade. She asks if I like it, and if I don't, I ask her if it's the best option available. She tells me if there are other choices or not. And we proceed. (This happened with the back of my dress, which I'm not fond of post-alteration, but my body type left little room for compromise. I can just imaging the nitpicking my mother would have done if she'd been along....)

    So I guess I wouldn't have any problem declining someone coming along for fittings. It's just standing and pinning and turning. Having someone along for the bustle debriefing is a good idea, but beyond that single appointment, I'd say don't feel bad! If you trust your alterations person, fly solo and enjoy.

  • No way. I'm sure she would really like to go but if she might make you uncomfortable or be rude its not worth it. Maybe you can do something else with her to make her feel extra special or to say thank you for the veil?

    Relate-able story: I showed my sweet little old grandmother a pic of me in a dress I was thinking about getting and she said, (now, she is 88 and on lots of STRONG pain killers that make her say...things) "Oh, is that you?? Why do you look so fat?"
    Needless to say she did not get an invite to any of my future dress shopping dates haha
  • Honestly, there is no need to bring anyone to your fittings. I didn't. I also live in a different city than my family and bridal party - but it was peaceful and easy. You deserve the same. Keep all the extra cooks out of the kitchen, especially the one that doesn't make you feel good about yourself.
  • My parents paid for my dress & stored it at their house for me. My mom is a retired seamstress so she checked the dress over for flaws. I went to my first fitting alone, it was right after work and the bridal shop is near my office. For my final fitting/pick up, two of my BM came with me, mainly so they could be shown how to do my corset & bustle though.

    If you want a second pair of objective eyes to check for imperfections or opinion on the bustle, as someone who will be honest, but kind. It can be a BM, relative, or a good friend.

  • I really agree with not bringing her - but I guess I will just feel bad about it.  How do you tell someone that you don't want them there because they don't really make you feel good, afraid they will say negative things, and not that you would say this, but that they bother/annoy you?  I have time to worry about this though, I have a few months before I go for the first fitting.
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  • ACJ - you don't, you just say you're popping by the shop after work, and then you send her a pic. don't make a big deal about it.

  • ACJ - you don't, you just say you're popping by the shop after work, and then you send her a pic. don't make a big deal about it.

    Yeah but she has brought it up several times (and I am sure she will again).  I can't just ignore that she asked to go ya know?
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  • I also don't see the point in having anyone come to my dress fittings. I had my first one this week and I'm glad no one came. My second one is in a few weeks and I'll mention it to my mom - only because she lives three hours away and she feels she isn't involved enough - but it is a courtesy invite...

    So OP - I don't think you have to worry about inviting her.  I like @TheBaysideBride suggestion.
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  • ACJ - just either say you're going alone and downplay it, or invite her. Don't wring your hands over it, and don't give her a long explanation either way.
  • I was in a somewhat similar situation. Someone who I did not want to come with me basically told me that she was coming. I had told her when my appointment was and she said "okay, I'll be there. It's on my calendar." I told her that she didn't have to come, that I didn't need her to come, but she was very insistent. I didn't know how to be more assertive without being rude. When I had to change the appointment to a long weekend, she was no longer available because she had plans. Hope this works itself out for you too! I was lucky!
    "It's always better when we're together." -Jack Johnson
  • djhar said:
    I would only bring whoever is going to bustle your dress (if that's an issue) on your wedding day. If she asks, I'd say that you want people to see you in it for the first time at the wedding.
    I didn't even think of the bustle issue - but shouldn't that person come when the bustle has already been made?  

    She's already seen me in the dress when I picked it out - so I can't really use that excuse.

    I love everyone's advice, I really do.  But I may wimp out and put up with her.  I'm still going to think about it over the next couple of months and see if I can be brave enough to tell her I don't want her there.  I don't even know the place I am going to get it altered yet.  Maybe I can say it's too small to have multiple people?  I need to not think about this for a little while though, she's stressing me out about other things.  She makes such a big deal about everything.  The only reason I brought this up a few months in advance is because she's already bothering me about it. She probably thinks I am getting it altered very soon when in reality it's more than 3 months away.  I got engaged on a trip and a few days after the trip she had asked me if I looked at wedding dresses yet... she was asking me a million things about our wedding planning this past January when it was like 16 months away.  Ugh.. okay I am just rambling and complaining.  Sorry.  Thanks again for all the advice everyone!  I felt very supported here :)
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  • I understand! I have had people stress me out, too. Just remember you can't control them you can only control yourself and how you handle things and I'm sure you'll handle everything with grace. Don't worry too much and take everything one day at a time. I know it's hard when what you want conflicts with what others around you want. I think every single bride on here can relate to that and why it's stressful. 

    Make this decision later! Come back to the message board if you need to vent or figure things out!
    "It's always better when we're together." -Jack Johnson
  • I don't think you need to invite Beth.
    But I would suggest bringing someone with you to the final fitting who can learn how to do your bustle if you're having one. Mine involved 12 different buttons so I brought my sister along since she was the one who was doing it after the ceremony.
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