Those who pay get a say.....but sometimes!!!!! (Vent)

Re: Those who pay get a say.....but sometimes!!!!! (Vent)

• APDSS22 member

  

  September 2013

  I would keep your other bridesmaids away from your mom as much as possible and reassure them that you want them in the bridal party.  That's a choice you get to make, even if your mom is paying for the wedding.  If you want them to wear different dresses, that's also your choice.  Hopefully if the issue doesn't come up in front of your mother she'll find something else to harp on.  (If you're lucky, it'll be the neighbor's cat's weird habits or something non-wedding related.)  Whatever your mom is paying for, unfortunately she does get a say in but who stands up for you and what they wear should be all your decision.
  

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• Grabows14 member

  

  September 2013

  Sorry you are dealing with this. I also think you should avoid having the bridesmaids around your mom. I also foresee there being worse situations you have to deal with. Is there anyway you could have a wedding without using your mom's money? It sounds like an unhealthy relationship and it won't get better through this process. It would be better for you and FI to pay for the wedding you can afford based on this post. You don't deserve verbal abuse.

  

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• misssunshine17 member

  

  September 2013

  This is only the beginning of a difficult wedding experience for you. I would give your mother her money back and plan the wedding you can afford. 

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• sandrabrooke member

  

  September 2013

  We're 3 months out and fortunately I'm in a situation where if she can't afford to pay for something I can take it over.  My inlaws are paying for the reception.  She's paying for dresses, flowers, DJ, cake, photobooth (so like ~6000).  And quite honestly, I asked her not to pay for anything else for the sake of not getting her involved anymore.  So I took on videography, photography, church costs, stationary. 

  
  

  Honestly, I know that I should just be able to say "no, I don't like this and no, your not paying for it" but its hard to do when I'm stuck living with her.  

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• Grabows14 member

  

  September 2013

  sandrabrooke said:

  We're 3 months out and fortunately I'm in a situation where if she can't afford to pay for something I can take it over.  My inlaws are paying for the reception.  She's paying for dresses, flowers, DJ, cake, photobooth (so like ~6000).  And quite honestly, I asked her not to pay for anything else for the sake of not getting her involved anymore.  So I took on videography, photography, church costs, stationary. 

  
  

  Honestly, I know that I should just be able to say "no, I don't like this and no, your not paying for it" but its hard to do when I'm stuck living with her.  

  Based on what you said she is going to be paying for, I highly recommend that you go back and figure out how to pay for those things yourself. 

  
  

  DJ = use an iPod?

  Flowers = use minimal flower, loose bouquets or something

  Photobooth = is that necessary?

  Cake = included in venue? sheet cake from vendor instead of wedding cake?

  (Just some ideas that may or may not work) 

  
  

  You should look at the Budget Boards for more ideas. Good luck.

  

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• Itsthevix member

  

  September 2013 edited September 2013

  You're unlikely to be able to change your mother at this point in her life. But you can change how you deal with her. Have your sisters return their dresses, go out and shop with your bride's maids together and get what you all like. If you have to, sell them on Craigslist. Since you're not particular about what the lades wear, check out places like Ross and Marshall's, where you can get lovely dresses at a fraction of their original price. And then, just don't engage in the guilt trip when it comes.

  Your Mom is bullying you into letting this be HER idea of the perfect wedding, like so many people do. You need to decide what's more important: a photo booth, or being your own woman on your wedding day. Once you move out, your mom won't have nearly so much control over you, so now is as good a time as any to practice making your own decisions, and getting by on your own.

  Oh, and I promise you, you don't need a professional videographer. Most couples watch the video once or twice and that's it.

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• sandrabrooke member

  

  September 2013

  Thanks for the advice ladies, but I think I didn't come across very clear.  (I need to stop writing on my phone.)

  
  

  I'm mostly just upset she told my bridesmaid she was wrecking it by not wearing the same dress as my sisters.  Money isn't really the issue in this situation.  But it is challenging since the 2 bridesmaids are her dependents and she'd have to pay for their stuff regardless.  

  
  

  Note: Everything else is already paid for We got steals on a lot of things since its a December wedding!  It's mostly just trying to tolerate things for the next few months!   

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• KeptInStitches member

  

  September 2013

  Is there any way you could pay for the dresses for your sisters?

  

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• simplykayla member

  

  September 2013

  KeptInStitches said:

  Is there any way you could pay for the dresses for your sisters?

  That would be my suggestion as well if you could swing it. That way you get the final say in what they'll wear, not your mom.
  

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• simplykayla member

  

  September 2013

  clovester said:

  I don't think cancelling anything is the solution, if most stuff is paid for that is a moot point and may escalate the living situation.... I say keep your other bridesmaid far far away from your mom and let the dress situation go.. 

  
  

  Also I disagree with comment about the videographer, the videographer i didn't find pointless at all.  that is the one splurge I'm glad we went with, when we got the video it was like being there all over again.  It captures something more than pictures.. Your wedding is such a blur, everything goes so fast, having the video brings you back and it's more than a picture could do.  

  I agree with Clove about the videographer thing - I wish we could afford to get one! I already know I'll regret not being able to, we just really can't afford it with such a tight budget. I would watch that video over and over again. It's a fun thing to look back at on anniversaries too, or something nice for those who couldn't attend to be able to see in video rather than pictures.
  

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• svc2014 member

  

  September 2013

  
  

  sandrabrooke said:

  Thanks for the advice ladies, but I think I didn't come across very clear.  (I need to stop writing on my phone.)

  
  

  I'm mostly just upset she told my bridesmaid she was wrecking it by not wearing the same dress as my sisters.  Money isn't really the issue in this situation.  But it is challenging since the 2 bridesmaids are her dependents and she'd have to pay for their stuff regardless.  

  
  

  Note: Everything else is already paid for We got steals on a lot of things since its a December wedding!  It's mostly just trying to tolerate things for the next few months!   

  
  I feel like the "he who pays" rule doesn't necessarily work when it comes to someone else paying for a bridesmaid dress. That would be like if you had a friend that was a bridesmaid and they couldn't afford to pay for the dress so their uncle was paying for it. The uncle doesn't get a say in your bridesmaid dresses haha
  
  
  

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