Walking on Eggshells

dewdropdana · September 2013

My boyfriend and and I have been together five and a half years. Over this time, he has asked my Father (Mom too) to marry me, three times. Each time resulting in a "no." My Father didn't give my boyfriend any specific reasons at the time. After the third time of being respectful and polite, (all of our relatives waiting with baited breath, again) and getting a firm "no" my boyfriend proposed to me. Since then we have been over the moon with happiness! We are excited to continue our wedding planning and to get married next summer.

Since getting engaged, I've confronted my Father on the matter of his denial. He gave me the reasons that 1) He (my Dad) didn't think I was ready 2) He thought my boyfriend was only asking me because he (the bf) had recently joined the military and 3) Because he thought I was was too young. I'm 23 and my fiance is 25. I'm still baffled why he has said no and has not displayed any actions toward accpeting my fiance into the family. I'm very upset and deeply hurt by my Fathers actions.

Shortly after we got engaged all of my family gathered (my Mom has 7 siblings) at my parents house to celebrate. My Dad didn't celebrate or congratulate me. He was insulted when I asked him to walk me down the aisle. He pouted, got drunk and ignored us the entire time. The evening resulted in a screaming match between my parents and I, with my fiance and I leaving my parents home. Sadly, it hasn't gotten much better from there.

The wedding planning has been going really well, and my Mom and sisters are excited to help. Whenever the topic is brought up around my family (Dad) it gets awkward, stressful and uncomfortable. My fiance and I have been able to make payments and put down deposits thus far, but we know we will need help sooner or later. We (my fiance and I) knew that my parents wanted us to formerly ask them for help, to pay for the wedding and we recently asked them this past weekend. (My Mom was the one who pushed for this, knowing it's what my Dad wanted.) My Dad responded with "I'll think about it."

I'm very confused and hurt. I hear from various family members that my Dad is curious about the wedding and that he would like to be invovled. I want that too. Yet, everytime there is an opportunity to talk about it casually with him, he shuts down and rejects the topic. I know that my Dad is hurt about my fiance proceeding without his approval, (he only did it because it was expected) but does he have a right to be? I feel like my Dad is being very selfish and rude. I'm hurt and so mad that I just want to elope.

Any advice?

VarunaTT · September 2013

Stop discussing the wedding in front of him entirely. He's made it quite clear what he expects/wants/desires and so have you. Those two viewpoints disagree. You need to just accept that, move on, pay for the wedding you can afford w/out your parents help. Your dad isn't going to come around to your POV and you are all feeding into his foolishness.

As far as "proceeding w/out his approval", I feel like if you're asking for approval, you should follow it. My DH wouldn't have asked in the first place; if he had I can very well imagine my father laughing at him and asking if he'd asked me yet b/c I know my own mind. So to ask and then disregard? Why bother in the first place? I get why he feels disrespected, even if I think the whole thing is crazy.

It's formally, BTW.

PirateBarbie · September 2013

My H and I were 23 when we got married, so I'm not going to say anything about the age - I think it's more about maturity than the number. Plenty of 30+yos are not mature enough to get married IMHO. If you're living/working as adults, then it's a question of behaving as adults.

Don't ask for permission, don't ask for money, don't ask for them to justify their feelings. Manage the wedding planning as any other large purchase that you'd make as a couple. There's nothing wrong with accepting an *offer* from your family to help pay for the wedding (as long as you're willing to accept any strings,) but you shouldn't be asking them to pay for it. Understand that *NOBODY* will be as excited for the wedding/planning as you and your FI - don't be all butthurt if they aren't all unicorns and rainbows every time your wedding is mentioned. If people offer to help or ask to participate, then you can let them - but also don't accept "help" that you don't want or need. If your dad wants to join in, the only thing holding him back is himself. Stop talking to him about the wedding or trying to involve him - let him come to you on his terms.

PirateBarbie · September 2013

dewdropdana said:

My boyfriend and and I have been together five and a half years. Over this time, he has asked my Father (Mom too) to marry me, three times. Each time resulting in a "no." My Father didn't give my boyfriend any specific reasons at the time. After the third time of being respectful and polite, (all of our relatives waiting with baited breath, again) and getting a firm "no" my boyfriend proposed to me. Since then we have been over the moon with happiness! We are excited to continue our wedding planning and to get married next summer.

Since getting engaged, I've confronted my Father on the matter of his denial. He gave me the reasons that 1) He (my Dad) didn't think I was ready 2) He thought my boyfriend was only asking me because he (the bf) had recently joined the military and 3) Because he thought I was was too young. I'm 23 and my fiance is 25. I'm still baffled why he has said no and has not displayed any actions toward accpeting my fiance into the family. I'm very upset and deeply hurt by my Fathers actions.

Shortly after we got engaged all of my family gathered (my Mom has 7 siblings) at my parents house to celebrate. My Dad didn't celebrate or congratulate me. He was insulted when I asked him to walk me down the aisle. He pouted, got drunk and ignored us the entire time. The evening resulted in a screaming match between my parents and I, with my fiance and I leaving my parents home. Sadly, it hasn't gotten much better from there.

The wedding planning has been going really well, and my Mom and sisters are excited to help. Whenever the topic is brought up around my family (Dad) it gets awkward, stressful and uncomfortable. My fiance and I have been able to make payments and put down deposits thus far, but we know we will need help sooner or later. We (my fiance and I) knew that my parents wanted us to formerly ask them for help, to pay for the wedding and we recently asked them this past weekend. (My Mom was the one who pushed for this, knowing it's what my Dad wanted.) My Dad responded with "I'll think about it."

I'm very confused and hurt. I hear from various family members that my Dad is curious about the wedding and that he would like to be invovled. I want that too. Yet, everytime there is an opportunity to talk about it casually with him, he shuts down and rejects the topic. I know that my Dad is hurt about my fiance proceeding without his approval, but does he have a right to be? I feel like my Dad is being very selfish and rude. I'm hurt and so mad that I just want to elope.

Any advice?

an adult doesn't need permission from their parent(s) to get married

do you and your FI financially support yourselves? do you still live at home? do you have an education/practice a trade? do you have job(s)?

did you create a budget for this wedding? was this budget something that you could afford without financial support? (i'm getting a "no" from your post.)

My advice is that if you want to be treated like an adult, you need to act like one. Stop asking for permission/financial assistance and do things for yourselves. Live on your own, or with your FI - get out from under your parents' roof, if you're still living there. Get a job, save some money, create a household budget. Create a wedding budget - when it comes down to it, it's a big party. If you can't afford the big party, scale it back or save your cash and wait until you can.

dewdropdana · September 2013

My fiance and I do live in our own home, support ourselves, have graduated from college and have careers. Yes, we created a budget for the wedding. Yes, we can afford it without financial support.

The only reason is seems like we've been asking for "permission" is because it was/is expected. I don't want to ruin my relationship with my parents over this. That's why I was asking advice on how to handle the sitaution. Thanks for the advice.

Emmy1493 · September 2013

Honestly, I feel like asking for your parents permission as an adult is not needed. It's kind of an old time thing IMO. Sure, my FI talked with my mom about it and she was supportive. However, if she wasn't it wouldn't have even mattered. My feelings would be hurt, but at the end of the day we are adults paying our own bills and can make our own choices and so can you. If you don't want their input, or worry about finances with the wedding, I wouldn't ask for help and budget for a cheaper wedding. I hope that your dad comes around because you are his daughter and this is a big deal in ones life but if he doesn't, remember your day will still go on. Hope it all gets sorted out for you!

Walking on Eggshells

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