FI's Famliy Is Driving Me Crazy!

ashU78 · September 2013

So, my FI and I have been engaged for about a year, but are just starting to plan our wedding with a year to go. I feel like I've had to make so many sacrifices for his family already. I have changed the date twice for them. I agreed to have it near our parents home instead of Savannah, where I live, because they threw a fit over how inconvenient it would be, but now it's about to make me want to just elope.

First of all, his dad came to him the other day and told him that his sister (whom I've never gotten along with) has to be my bridesmaid, and that this was non-negotiable. I was going to ask her anyway, but the fact that I was told that I have to invite her to MY bridesmaids party without even asking me first just made me so mad. Then, the next time I saw her she started talking like I had already asked her when I never brought it up. She just assumed she was invited!

Then to top it all off, my FI's sister-in-law just announced she was pregnant and she is due a month before our wedding. She then went as far as to say that she planed it that way so that all of my FI's extended family (that are coming over from England, whom I've never had the chance to meet before) can see the new first grandchild. I was really looking forward to meeting his family, and now I feel like it's just going to be all about the baby. I even went to take their announcement pictures the other day to save them the money of a sitting fee, and when I sent them the photos I didn't even get a thank you.

My FI has been supper supportive of me through all of this. He tries to keep his family under control the best that he can, but it just doesn't matter to them. When he tried to stand up to his dad about the location of the wedding, his dad said that he needed to be more in control of me, and that he shouldn't let me get my way all the time. Hid dad didn't believe him when he told him it was our decision, not just mine.

Anyway, I guess I say all this to ask, has anyone else been dealing with this? What is the best way to deal with people like this? I feel like our wedding isn't even about my FI and I anymore. It's just what everyone else wants. Should I stand up for myself and possibly cause a rift in the family or just let them do what they want?

PirateBarbie · September 2013

ashU78 said:

So, my FI and I have been engaged for about a year, but are just starting to plan our wedding with a year to go. I feel like I've had to make so many sacrifices for his family already. I have changed the date twice for them. I agreed to have it near our parents home instead of Savannah, where I live, because they threw a fit over how inconvenient it would be, but now it's about to make me want to just elope.
First of all, his dad came to him the other day and told him that his sister (whom I've never gotten along with) has to be my bridesmaid, and that this was non-negotiable. I was going to ask her anyway, but the fact that I was told that I have to invite her to MY bridesmaids party without even asking me first just made me so mad. Then, the next time I saw her she started talking like I had already asked her when I never brought it up. She just assumed she was invited!
Then to top it all off, my FI's sister-in-law just announced she was pregnant and she is due a month before our wedding. She then went as far as to say that she planed it that way so that all of my FI's extended family (that are coming over from England, whom I've never had the chance to meet before) can see the new first grandchild. I was really looking forward to meeting his family, and now I feel like it's just going to be all about the baby. I even went to take their announcement pictures the other day to save them the money of a sitting fee, and when I sent them the photos I didn't even get a thank you.
My FI has been supper supportive of me through all of this. He tries to keep his family under control the best that he can, but it just doesn't matter to them. When he tried to stand up to his dad about the location of the wedding, his dad said that he needed to be more in control of me, and that he shouldn't let me get my way all the time. Hid dad didn't believe him when he told him it was our decision, not just mine.
Anyway, I guess I say all this to ask, has anyone else been dealing with this? What is the best way to deal with people like this? I feel like our wedding isn't even about my FI and I anymore. It's just what everyone else wants. Should I stand up for myself and possibly cause a rift in the family or just let them do what they want?

Several things:

1) the math is off here. If your FI's SIL just announced her pregnancy, before the pee stick was even dry, then she's at most ~4 weeks along, with ~36 to go. If you're getting married in a year, the baby (assuming she has a viable pregnancy, and there *is* a baby - not wishing her bad, but things happen) would be at least 2-3 months old at the time of the wedding. this doesn't make a lick of difference in the grand scheme of things. if you want to make a big deal about it, think about it this way - these people aren't flying to the states to see the baby, they're coming to your wedding and the baby is a bonus.

2) You don't have a fFIL problem, or a fIL problem - you have a FI problem, that you need to address now. If your FI is siding with his dad/parents over you, because "it's not all that important" - where does this end? When they don't like the name that you chose for your first child? When they want you guys to come for dinner every weekend? When they tell you what house to buy/where to buy?

ashU78 · September 2013

1. Ok, If you want to get that technical about it we are getting married in 10 months. I just thought it would be easier to say a year because it is around a year, but I really don't see why this matters at all.

2. As I stated in my post my FI is being extremely supportive, and frankly is furious at his family's behavior at the moment. I meant that his family does not care about his feelings on the matter. I have absolutely NO problems with my FI's behavior when it comes to this matter. He is standing up to his family for me on all of these issues. I am just having a hard time figuring out if I should say something as well or just leave it up to him to stand up for us. The sacrifices I have made so far I believe are for the best for everyone and have thought them over thoroughly. I was in no way forced by my FI to make my choices. He was actually the one who told me not to listen to them and to do whatever I wanted.

NYCMercedes · September 2013

Good for your FI. His dad is a douchecanoe. Are they giving you money to pay for the wedding? If not, he can go fly a kite. I recommend you stay away from the dad. Definitely do not talk to him and continue having your FI deal with him. If I were getting that much flack, I'd either elope or cancel the existing plans and have a small wedding your own way.

VarunaTT · September 2013

You need to leave it up to FI. As long as he's supporting you and dealing with the asshole family, you go with it. Keep doing what the both of you want.

JCbride2015 · September 2013

I have some similar problems with pushy FILs, although it's more that they are so excited they just want to run over all of our ideas with their own. With them, I know it's coming from a good place. I put my foot down on the things I absolute care about (like the fact that I am not Catholic and have no desire to convert just to have a wedding mass), and go with the flow on less important things (like flowers and cake). Putting your foot down requires unpleasant conversations, even when you love your FILs and they love you.

BUT this seems like a different situation-- especially his family telling his sister she will be a bridesmaid before you even have the opportunity to ask her. I think you and FI need to sit down and decide what you can live with for your wedding, and what are the dealbreakers. Then both of you, together, should talk with FILs. There's nothing you can do about the baby-- just be happy for them. Things like the wedding location and date, though, seem like they should 100% be yours and your FI's decision. Good luck.

FI's Famliy Is Driving Me Crazy!

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