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Wedding Etiquette Forum

What to do when a bridesmaid is now an Ex

I am a groom and a situation has arisen concerning our bridal party and I thought this would be a good place to get some advice.  My brother is my best man.  He and his GF of 5 years, who is a bridesmaid, broke up last month.  We think that this break up is permanent, she has moved out.  They have both indicated that the split is amicable.  But, my brother has said that he did not want to break up, and is clearly hurt.  Meanwhile she seems fine and is moving on with her life.  When we got engaged, my bro and his GF were some of our closest friends.  However, we have did not hear from her until we asked about the break up (about 6 months).  Their relationship has been volatile and the couple has argued openly in front of the family no matter what the event; holidays, graduations, birthdays.  My fear is that the close quarters of a bridal party will do more harm than good for all involved.  Also, I do not think my family or the ex GF will be comfortable spending so much time together.  The last thing my fiance and I want to deal with on our wedding day is their drama.  I guess we thought she was going to bow out gracefully, but we are now two months out and that hasn't happened. The general consensus is that she should do so or she will at the last minute.  She has already declined the invitation to the bridal shower and has yet to RSVP to the bachelorette party. Is there a way to ask her to opt out?  Should my brother speak with her?  Should I speak with her? Should we do nothing and let the cards fall where they may?  Is there any polite way to deal with this situation? 

Re: What to do when a bridesmaid is now an Ex

  • All they need to do is act like adults on the wedding day. They don't have to be overly friendly, just civil. Your FI asked her to be a BM, she can't kick her out. Let the cards fall where they may. Also, she is not required to attend the bridal shower or bachelorette party - she is only required to get the dress, show up sober, and smile in the picture.

    The polite way to deal with the situation is to be polite to both your brother and his ex-GF.
  • The *ONLY* person -- and I do mean the *ONLY* person -- who should talk to her is your fiancee. This is her BM, and this is her bridal party. I understand that it might be awkward for your brother, and for you, and for your family, but everyone involved (including the now-ex-GF-cum-BM) is going to have to put on his or her big boy/girl panties and deal with it.

    Kicking a friend out of the WP is a friendship-ending move. If your FI decides she wants to do that, it's her decision. It may be something she doesn't want to do because she wants to maintain a friendship with this girl despite the break-up. 

    It would have been nice, and perhaps genteel, of your brother's ex to bow out gracefully, but she has not. (And not attending pre-wedding parties in no way indicates a person's involvement in the wedding itself; one of my BMs hasn't done anything other than get the dress, and you know what? That's OK, because that's the only thing she actually has to do!)

    Ultimately, all any member of the WP has to do is buy the right attire, show up on time and sober, and pose for photos. There aren't really "close quarters" to worry about; the BP doesn't have to interact much at all. 

    I'm sorry to tell you that there is no polite way to deal with this. The only thing your FI could do would be to talk to the BM and say, "Sally, I'm sure the break-up is hard for you, and if you'd rather not be around ex-BF's family, I will understand." That gives her an out, in case she's been looking for one, but it doesn't actually kick her out. That's really all that can be done.

    Good luck!
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • rmsabh said:
    I am a groom and a situation has arisen concerning our bridal party and I thought this would be a good place to get some advice.  My brother is my best man.  He and his GF of 5 years, who is a bridesmaid, broke up last month.  We think that this break up is permanent, she has moved out.  They have both indicated that the split is amicable.  But, my brother has said that he did not want to break up, and is clearly hurt.  Meanwhile she seems fine and is moving on with her life.  When we got engaged, my bro and his GF were some of our closest friends.  However, we have did not hear from her until we asked about the break up (about 6 months).  Their relationship has been volatile and the couple has argued openly in front of the family no matter what the event; holidays, graduations, birthdays.  My fear is that the close quarters of a bridal party will do more harm than good for all involved.  Also, I do not think my family or the ex GF will be comfortable spending so much time together.  The last thing my fiance and I want to deal with on our wedding day is their drama.  I guess we thought she was going to bow out gracefully, but we are now two months out and that hasn't happened. The general consensus is that she should do so or she will at the last minute.  She has already declined the invitation to the bridal shower and has yet to RSVP to the bachelorette party. Is there a way to ask her to opt out?  Should my brother speak with her?  Should I speak with her? Should we do nothing and let the cards fall where they may?  Is there any polite way to deal with this situation? 
    I would agree with the other posters
  • @keptinstitches and @hisgirlfrifay13 put it much better than I could have. So far, it's unanimous.
  • Agree with PPs. Don't have them walk down the aisle together and keep them on opposite sides during pictures. Other than that, it's up to them to act like adults or keep their distance from each other.

    If the situation is as volatile as you say it is, and if the rest of your family really has an issue with her, I think it would be ok in this case to talk to them ahead of time and ask them to take the high road for the evening. Good luck.
  • Don't kick her out. If she backs out, that's fine, but otherwise plan on having both of them there. Keep them separate as you can- perhaps do a sweetheart table and sit her at a different table than your brother- but otherwise expect them to behave as adults.
  • In addition to what has been said, this needs to be approached by saying, "I'm so sorry about your breakup. This must be very difficult.  Will being around (whats his name) at the wedding make you uncomfortable?  Is there anything I can do to lessen that feeling?"...don't bring up stepping down unless she brings it up.
  • Agreed.  Your FI asked her to do it and if it means that much to her, everyone else is going to have to be a grown up and deal with it.  Uncomfortable for some? Yes.  But you can't ask your FI to burn that friendship bridge unless she is ready to do that on her own.
  • mlg78 said:
    In addition to what has been said, this needs to be approached by saying, "I'm so sorry about your breakup. This must be very difficult.  Will being around (whats his name) at the wedding make you uncomfortable?  Is there anything I can do to lessen that feeling?"...don't bring up stepping down unless she brings it up.
    This is what I'd do if I were your fiancee. Unless she asks to step down herself, then don't bring it up. It sounds like you're afraid she'll back out at the last minute. If that's the case, you and your fiancee should come up (PRIVATELY) with a simple contingency plan. Like ... if she backs out, one bridesmaid will be escorted by two groomsmen. Done.

    Besides that, I agree with previous posters. Good people will behave themselves at your wedding. Two years ago at my brother's wedding, I had to be in pictures with my dad, whom I'm estranged from (and it's not an amicable estrangement). I stood next to him and smiled for the camera, and then hung out with my cousins and my date.

    Remember that this is your wedding day, and no one really WANTS to ruin it for you.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • It sounds like you were hoping this woman would bow out of the WP on her own, but now that she hasn't you want to kick her out. Just know that kicking someone out of a WP is a friendship-ending move and your FIANCEE (not you or your brother) is the only person who should deal with this. It's her bridesmaid. 

    It kind of sounds like your brother is bitter that she has moved on while he is hurting. It sounds like this has created some animosity in you. But these are separate issues from the WP. These people are adults (presumably). They can act as such for one day. 
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  • If I was your fiancee, I would approach her and say something like, "Hey BM, I know you and Brother-In-Law broke up. Do you feel comfortable being around him? Is there anything at all I can do to make sure that you are comfortable at the wedding?"

    Your Finacee should be the one to say this to her. It would be good to open the lines of the communication. BM might say, "I assumed I wasn't going to be in the wedding anymore!" or "I don't want to let you down, but I really don't want to be a BM anymore" or "I feel fine around him and I am looking forward to being in the wedding."
  • Same thing happened in a wedding I was in (actually two couples in the BP were exes), and the one couple who broke up 3 months before the wedding actually walked down the aisle together (it was supposed to be a random selection). They were so nice about it and acted like it wasn't a big deal at all. That really showed that they wanted the Bride and Groom to have a good time and not worry about the drama. I think you shouldn't worry about it too much unless they say they can't handle it.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • I think I would talk to your brother and see how he feels about it. If it's going to be too hard and stir up unresolved feelings which might lead to drama the day of your wedding. After talking to him, have fiance talk to her women to women and ask her the same thing. See what they say. Hopefully they both love you enough to say "we'll put our difference aside for the day"  If you un-invite her, any friendship you still have with her will be over because in turn you are picking your brother over her. And that is something only you and your fiancee can decide if you are ok with it. Deal with ASAP because if you are going to uninvite her you want to plan according with your florist, hair stylist, and any other parts that she was going to be a part of.

    Good luck!!

  • My frustration lies in the fact that you think you have some right to ask your FI's bridal party to step down..if my FH ever did that ..there probably wouldnt be a wedding to be in...
    Anniversary
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