I just get so excited! (and then a vent)

Re: I just get so excited! (and then a vent)

• KeptInStitches member

  

  September 2013

  I think that a long engagement is a good idea, especially when you're right around the time you'd graduate from college. So much can change so quickly. That being said, if you're asking whether you can respond to her, you know the answer is no.

  

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• psychbabe314 member

  

  September 2013

  KeptInStitches said:

  I think that a long engagement is a good idea, especially when you're right around the time you'd graduate from college. So much can change so quickly. That being said, if you're asking whether you can respond to her, you know the answer is no.

  Ya, that is why we want a long engagement. But, it is just so frustrating when it feels like she is judging my relationship. We are making our own decisions and I wish I would have just said that "we are making decisions about our relationship based on how we feel our relationship is going"... But, I will ignore it :-) You are right, I know better than to respond to her.
  
  But, I guess the fighting thing is worrying me a bit. I mean, BF and I have discussed it too. We both worry that we never fight but there has never been a need to. Anyone else in that position? I know of 1 other couple that don't have fights.
  

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• psychbabe314 member

  

  September 2013

  Ya, we figured that holding off on a marriage until I was 23-25 range would be a good idea. We will both be finished with college by then (unless we go to graduate school and right now it is looking like it will be our teaching license which is a 1 1/2 year program). Even if out of college we could not get jobs, with our current jobs at full time we could support ourselves. And my BF is planning on teaching abroad for 1 year, a job that would give us enough money for a good chunk of a wedding. After the 1st year, we will either stay in the states and work or go together for a 2nd round at which point we would have enough to pay for a wedding, plus to get us through a few months while we settle back into the states and find jobs.
  

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• CLoGreenEyes member

  

  September 2013 edited September 2013

  I don't even understand your friend's argument. So you're not ready to get married after 1.5 years but a long engagement is a bad idea? Huh? I think your plan and timeframe make a lot of sense. Yes, you are pretty young, but that doesn't mean your relationship is doomed, especially since you are waiting to marry until your lives are more stable and you've been together longer. You sound very mature and I think your long engagement sounds flexible enough for any surprises with school/careers that will come up, so that bodes well for your future together.

  
  

  As for the fighting thing, don't worry about it. As long as you feel comfortable voicing disagreements to your BF and working out compromises, I don't see that there's a need to fight, per se, as long as you are not constantly biting your tongue about every little thing.

  
  

  To illustrate, BF and I have never really had fights - like as in the all-out, white trash, scream and say things we don't mean kind of fights. We have definitely disagreed on things, and there have been times where we have gotten testy with each other, but we are never downright mean. If we feel like we have crossed any kind of line, we apologize as soon as it occurs to us, and then we resolve the issue at hand when we feel like we're calm enough.

  
  

  ETA: And yeah, I don't see that there's anything to be gained by bringing it up again. I can see why you wouldn't want to discuss relationship stuff with her, that's kind of a downer.

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• 500days member

  

  September 2013

  psychbabe314 said:

  KeptInStitches said:

  I think that a long engagement is a good idea, especially when you're right around the time you'd graduate from college. So much can change so quickly. That being said, if you're asking whether you can respond to her, you know the answer is no.

  Ya, that is why we want a long engagement. But, it is just so frustrating when it feels like she is judging my relationship. We are making our own decisions and I wish I would have just said that "we are making decisions about our relationship based on how we feel our relationship is going"... But, I will ignore it :-) You are right, I know better than to respond to her.
  
  But, I guess the fighting thing is worrying me a bit. I mean, BF and I have discussed it too. We both worry that we never fight but there has never been a need to. Anyone else in that position? I know of 1 other couple that don't have fights.
  

  Don't worry about when the proposal will happen and focus on your current priorities. My FI started looking at rings around 3 years together, bought the stone and couldn't decide or afford the setting at that point. He bought a setting at some point this summer, we got engaged 8/24 and will celebrate 5 years this October. Sometimes the ring takes awhile to produce. 

  
  

  To the bolded, you judge her marriage and she will most likely judge your relationship. She's honestly probably just trying to give you advice based on her experiences. You don't have to take it, but it may be considered. It sounds like you have a lot going on in the distant future, but plans sometimes change--especially when it's banking on a job. I say to wait a bit because 2-4 years is a wide range. I think 2 years isn't outrageous, but after that- what's the point of being engaged so early?

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• bethsmiles member

  

  September 2013

  Eh...I don't really see the point of having a long engagement. BF and I could've gotten engaged 4 years ago when we started talking marriage but we really didn't see the point if we weren't going to start planning the wedding. But that's us not you - you can do things differently. So I don't really think your friend was out of line there, she was just offering an opinion. You don't have to take her advice.
  
  As for her opinion on how long you've been dating, I'd just brush it off. Lots of people think it's strange that BF and I have been together for almost 5 years without at least a proposal but we are happy. Everyone has an opinion. Personally, I like for my friends to voice theirs even if I don't agree. Their perspectives can be really helpful sometimes, especially if I'm not seeing something they are.
  
  The fighting thing - well that depends. Do you argue? Voice your frustrations? Let your partner know when they've upset you? In essence do you communicate to make your relationship stronger by addressing issues in your relationship? If the answer is yes then you're probably fine.
  
  But if you and your BF are so worried about fighting that you keep things bottled up or continually let things slide I would say you might have a problem on your hands.
  
  BF and I have had fights or disagreements or whatever you want to call them. Personally I think there are negative conversations with the word fight so people never want to use it and just use disagreements instead and it kind of makes me roll my eyes. A fight doesn't have to be a screaming match that is full of hurtful comments. But whatever you call it they made our relationship stronger and we are so much happier now having sorted out a lot of the issues we had earlier in our relationships.
  

  
  

  
  

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• psychbabe314 member

  

  September 2013

  @Amapola14, thank you! between you and bethsmiles I feel a lot better about the whole fighting thing. We do talk to each other and we have both changed things about ourselves to become the best person we can for each other and for ourselves.
  
  As for the long engagement, it is something we both agreed was a good idea since we wanted it to be official before he leaves for a different country. Also, if we decided to go out for a 2nd contract together being engaged would ensure that we would be placed together in the same apartment (BF checked into this already). I also have told him that I wanted to live together before we got married, so this time frame would allow for that. He can be out of the country for a year and then we can live together while planning the wedding together. He has said that he wants to be around and involved in it.
  
  Thank you everyone for your help, I just needed to vent a little bit. And get out my excitement on the upcoming proposal. I don't know when it is happening, but I think it will be before May (he has been hinting for a 3-5 month range from now) :-) It is hard to be patient, but I am enjoying each day that we have with each other and not bringing it up. But, a few hints about the type of ring I like does not hurt when he asks me about it ;-). I think I will just avoid some of the relationship stuff with her from now on and not bring up being engaged until we are actually engaged.
  

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• KateJ16 member

  

  September 2013

  Wow - I'm sorry that your friend is such a party pooper.

  Honestly - her rant makes me think that maybe she is just plain frustrated - maybe wishing she had done what you are going to do, and is taking out her personal frustration on you.  Either that, or she thinks that her marriage of fights is normal, and she wants you down to her level.  Some people have a hard time being happy for others, especially about relationships. 

  Regardless - you keep up your excitement!  You want to talk about knowing it's coming and wating to both know and not know and being super giddy, I'm your girl, because I'm right there!

  
  

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• kelley198721 member

  

  September 2013

  You said you usually make it a point not to talk about relationships with your friend. Is there a specific reason why? Just wondering.

  
  

  I used to talk to my cousin about my relationship with BF. Mind you, it was never anything bad or anything really personal. Just good things. Like I told her once that BF and I were discussing marriage and my cousin immediately replied with "He needs to finish school first and get a better job".

  
  

  I know that in her mind, she wasn't being rude or offensive. She had good intentions. But it still rankled. I was sharing good news with her, I wasn't asking for advice. Just wanted her to be happy for me. And it's not like BF and I were planning on getting married right this second. So for her to throw that out immediately hurt a little bit. And since then, I've noticed that she has little negative and judging comments every time I shared positive news about my relationship. 

  
  

  So you know what I did? I stopped talking to her about it. I don't want or need her negativity. And that's what you probably need to do with your friend. 

  
  

  As for fighting with your BF. I'm going to echo what other PPs have said. As long as you're still working out any issues in a productive way, as long as you let him know (calmly) that you're upset about something, I don't see a problem. My BF and I never have screaming matches, we never call each other names, etc. We usually have a somewhat calm argument then we work it out. 

  
  

  As for your impending proposal...it's okay to be excited but try to put it out of your mind as much as you can or you'll drive yourself crazy. Good luck!

  

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• loves2shop4shoes member

  

  September 2013

  Oof.
  
  1)  Your friend sounds like a real prize.  Sounds like she has a shitty marriage that she jumped into WAY too soon after there were warning signs (ie. the fighting), is now bitter, and is projecting that (as well as some jealousy) onto you. 
  
  2)  You're young.  1.5 years is not a long time to be together at 21.  I say this as someone who got engaged at 22, after I was with H for 3 years (at the time).  If you get engaged soon, I would recommend a longer engagement.  Even if you're a REALLY mature 21/22, it's REALLY hard to be 100% READY for marriage at that age.  To be perfectly honest, I don't think I was mature enough to get married when I got engaged.  I had a 2 year long engagement, and can honestly say that that two years made a HUGE difference in terms of my maturity, and I was 100% ready for the commitment when I said "I do".
  
  3)  It's good that you and your BF communicate well, and it's good that you don't have explosive fights.  But I do agree with your friend that you should have had an actual fight (not just disagreement) before you get engaged.  You need to understand the other person's fighting style (as well as your own)...and make sure that it is healthy and sustainable.
  
  4)  When you do finally become engaged, I HIGHLY recommend premarital counseling (especially because you're young.)  It can only help your relationship, and can actually be a lot of fun.
  
  Good luck!
  

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• bride2b71614 member

  

  September 2013

  First off, congratulations on your upcoming engagement! I've come across people who are similar your friend in my life. They tend to minimize the excitement of others due to their general unhappiness (one person I have to interact with constantly does this because she enjoys playing a game of who has the better relationship, and since I am married I know more than you). I tend to ignore her comments. While at times it is difficult, I know better than to give her the satisfaction of getting upset or allowing her to get a rise out of me. At the same time, I have compassion for this person because I know she is insecure and unhappy within her own relationship, and has to take it out on others. I know this only because I've witnessed some of the interactions she has had with her husband that are definitely not kosher (him verbally abusing her at a party because he was drunk, her having to drive him back from the bar, etc.). Maybe your friend's comments were well intentioned but it sounds like she minimized the fact that she's having tough time within her own relationship, and your happy news gave her something to shit all over. It just sucks that your upcoming engagement was the target at that time. 

  
  

  You sound like you handled yourself well during the conversation with your friend. I believe that couples have disagreements and if they have a healthy relationship, they are able to communicate their thoughts effectively in a discussion. But this effective communication often comes after a first "fight". My FI and I fought early on in our relationship and I quickly learned what I needed to work on as well as how he fights. Coming out of it, we realized what we have to do when we feel a "fight" coming on, and how to control our emotions and create respectful, honest responses to have an effective conversation about how we feel. 
  

  
  

  As for the whole engagement: Are you young? Yes. Have you been dating your bf long enough to get engaged? There is no exact science in terms of how long someone has to be in a relationship before they get engaged, but when a couple gets engaged early in the relationship, and has a short engagement I could understand why concerns could be raised in other people's minds (people will deem what is appropriate or inappropriate in terms of timing when it comes to an engagement, and each response is different). Is there a time limit on how long someone should be engaged? Yes and no. Like I've said previously, people will judge what is appropriate and what isn't in terms of time and their responses will vary. I have had friends that had a five month engagement to family friends what had an eight year engagement due to financial and health issues. Having a long engagement is not bad at all! I ditto the idea of premarital counseling, it never hurts, and can only strengthen communication skills between you and your bf.

  
  

  You and your bf are hitting a huge milestone within your relationship. Ignore your friend's negative comments and attempt to have compassion for her and her situation (easier said than done). If you see her again, I would avoid the subject of her hurting your feelings during your recent conversation over coffee (or talking about your relationships altogether). For all you know she might do it again, and this could put more strain on your relationship with her. Again congratulations and enjoy the celebrations ahead! 

  
  

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• psychbabe314 member

  

  September 2013 edited September 2013

  @kelley198721 I try not to bring it up to her because she always has so many complaints about her life and her relationship. I guess I have only good things to say about my relationship and so at the beginning she would always pester me saying that there has to be something that I don't like, honestly everything is great, so I finally decided not to discuss it with her.
  
  Thanks again for the comments, premarital counseling does not sound like a bad idea, but we just don't know if we want to go. We really have worked through issues.
  
  Also, I think several of you have hit the spot with your analysis of her. I know she is stressed out, trying to get pregnant and everything with her and her husband, and maybe that is why she is saying stuff about my own relationship.
  
  
  ETA: I don't know why it made kelley's name bold, lol

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