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Thoughts on Two Ceremonies

amarsh1amarsh1
Tenth Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Woes
Ugh! I am already sick of wedding planning.  To make a long story short- we can't afford a huge wedding shindig but people don't understand and would be upset. We can't solely do a destination wedding because my parents won't travel. His parents are insisting on a church ceremony (Greek Orthodox) and all I want is a quiet beach wedding (this is my second wedding).  So-what my FI has come up with and feels very happy about is having his parents and my parents come and do the traditional church ceremony with a quiet dinner after.  Then the next day- him and I will fly to Mexico and will have a destination wedding (symbolic ceremony) and we will be able to invite all our friends and family.  That way everyone is happy (or somewhat).

I am not in it for gifts and to me if people are willing to fly somewhere to see us in a ceremony and celebrate with us that is gift enough for me.  I don't want anyone to think I am trying to have this huge celebration because that's not either.  I just want to be able to have everyone feel special and included.  BTW- this is FI's first wedding, my second.

Any thoughts? Advice
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Re: Thoughts on Two Ceremonies

  • MNNEBrideMNNEBride member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Your wedding - your choice.  But it doesn't make sense to me.  The big expense in a wedding is the reception and you are still having one at your destination (albeit for fewer people than you might have at a home reception).  Plus you have your travel expense. So you probably will not save any money doing it this way.  Also, please don't call the second ceremony a wedding - it's really a vow renewal, even if it's a few days after your wedding.  Just my .02.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    amarsh1 said:
    Ugh! I am already sick of wedding planning.  To make a long story short- we can't afford a huge wedding shindig but people don't understand and would be upset. We can't solely do a destination wedding because my parents won't travel. His parents are insisting on a church ceremony (Greek Orthodox) and all I want is a quiet beach wedding (this is my second wedding).  So-what my FI has come up with and feels very happy about is having his parents and my parents come and do the traditional church ceremony with a quiet dinner after.  Then the next day- him and I will fly to Mexico and will have a destination wedding (symbolic ceremony) and we will be able to invite all our friends and family.  That way everyone is happy (or somewhat).

    I am not in it for gifts and to me if people are willing to fly somewhere to see us in a ceremony and celebrate with us that is gift enough for me.  I don't want anyone to think I am trying to have this huge celebration because that's not either.  I just want to be able to have everyone feel special and included.  BTW- this is FI's first wedding, my second.

    Any thoughts? Advice
    Will his parents be considered in every decision you make for the rest of your lives?
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  • PirateBarbiePirateBarbie member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    this plan seems all kinds of pointless and expensive. Have the religious ceremony if that is important, and take a small group of people to dinner afterwards. Just because you're having a local wedding/reception doesn't mean you need to invite 500 of your closest family and friends. it also doesn't mean you need to throw a $100K party. if your family and friends can't/won't travel to the DW, then you need to decide if it's more important to include them or get married in the tropics. 

    I think the destination "wedding" (vow renewal) is just a ploy to say "oh well, we invited them, but they decided not to travel, so we don't need to feel bad about not hosting them at the local dinner." then you don't need to feel like the bad guy.

    I don't know how the Orthodox church functions, but is there a way that you guys could have the DW and then have the marriage "blessed" by the church?
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    and your parents, too?
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  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Compromises rarely leave anyone happy. 

    Who are these people who would be upset if you don't have a big wedding? Do their feelings matter enough to you to make changes? How to Greek Orthodox wedding really work? If they are anything like Armenian weddings they tend to pay for themselves between gifts received at the engagement party, bridal shower and wedding. I think we're probably going to give a total of $1,500 to my fiance's cousin through the course of those events.

    Why won't your parents travel? How important is it for you to have them at your wedding? If the answer is very important than I wouldn't even plan the destination portion since they won't be there. 

    If you don't want a big wedding, there is probably a middle ground here that will work out. Rules like "I only want to invite people I know" can go a long way in keeping guest lists down.

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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    SBmini said:
    How to Greek Orthodox wedding really work? If they are anything like Armenian weddings they tend to pay for themselves between gifts received at the engagement party, bridal shower and wedding. I think we're probably going to give a total of $1,500 to my fiance's cousin through the course of those events.
    what does this have to do with anything?
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  • PirateBarbiePirateBarbie member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    hmonkey said:
    SBmini said:
    How to Greek Orthodox wedding really work? If they are anything like Armenian weddings they tend to pay for themselves between gifts received at the engagement party, bridal shower and wedding. I think we're probably going to give a total of $1,500 to my fiance's cousin through the course of those events.
    what does this have to do with anything?
    nothing, but apparently it pays to marry an Armenian. 
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  • amarsh1amarsh1
    Tenth Anniversary First Comment
    Thank you for the thoughts and advice.  I am not keen on having two ceremonies, it seems pointless to me as well.  And I agree we should do what makes us happy and not everyone else. It's a hard decision to make.  My initial thing was to have a planned elopement in Mexico, and come home and have a party in the state we live in with his parents and go to NY where my family is and have a relaxed casual party.  At this point I just can't convince him to do it.
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  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    hmonkey said:
    SBmini said:
    How to Greek Orthodox wedding really work? If they are anything like Armenian weddings they tend to pay for themselves between gifts received at the engagement party, bridal shower and wedding. I think we're probably going to give a total of $1,500 to my fiance's cousin through the course of those events.
    what does this have to do with anything?
    It's an example in an attempt to be helpful. Maybe you are unfamiliar with the concept. 
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  • jojobrnjojobrn member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    SBmini said:


    hmonkey said:


    SBmini said:

    How to Greek Orthodox wedding really work? If they are anything like Armenian weddings they tend to pay for themselves between gifts received at the engagement party, bridal shower and wedding. I think we're probably going to give a total of $1,500 to my fiance's cousin through the course of those events.

    what does this have to do with anything?

    It's an example in an attempt to be helpful. Maybe you are unfamiliar with the concept. 

    So she should count on making back her wedding costs on gifts. Right. Because that always ends so. well.
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    @sbimini did you consider having another bridal shower so you can pay for those chair upgrades?  there's still time to ask your guests to make it rain, you know.
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    image
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  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Let me be very clear here- this isn't about me, this is about the OP. Your attempts to slander me are pathetic and misguided. You know nothing about my plans if you did, you'd realize that you are judging me for something I am not doing.

    The OP stated that she couldn't afford a big Greek wedding. I was simply illustrating that if the culture is similar (which I believe it is) then cost shouldn't be a deterrent. I was being helpful. This is something you ladies could learn for instead of shaming and insulting people simply because they have opinions that differ from yours. 
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited September 2013
    she actually specifically says that she doesn't want a big wedding, and she says nothing about the cost of either the church wedding or the destination wedding being a deterrent. specifically, she says "i'm not in it for the gifts." 

    i was reading and correctly interpreting the words that she used. this is something you could learn to do instead of focusing on issues that you have about your wedding.

    i'm just trying to push you to be better.
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  • PirateBarbiePirateBarbie member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    SBmini said:
    Let me be very clear here- this isn't about me, this is about the OP. Your attempts to slander me are pathetic and misguided. You know nothing about my plans if you did, you'd realize that you are judging me for something I am not doing.

    The OP stated that she couldn't afford a big Greek wedding. I was simply illustrating that if the culture is similar (which I believe it is) then cost shouldn't be a deterrent. I was being helpful. This is something you ladies could learn for instead of shaming and insulting people simply because they have opinions that differ from yours. 
    slander, we're doing it wrong...

    slan·der

      [slan-der]  Show IPA
    noun
    1.
    defamation; calumny: rumors full of slander.
    2.
    a malicious, false, and defamatory statement or report: a slander against his good name.
    3.
    Law. defamation by oral utterance rather than by writing, pictures, etc.


    not being able to afford something should be a complete deterrent. 

    @hmonkey - one of my childhood BFFs got married last summer. Her H and ILs are Greek Orthodox, so they did the Orthodox ceremony. Apparently this culture was such an influence on bride's cousin, that he made it rain at the reception. @SBmini may be on to something here. 
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    amarsh1 said:
    Thank you for the thoughts and advice.  I am not keen on having two ceremonies, it seems pointless to me as well.  And I agree we should do what makes us happy and not everyone else. It's a hard decision to make.  My initial thing was to have a planned elopement in Mexico, and come home and have a party in the state we live in with his parents and go to NY where my family is and have a relaxed casual party.  At this point I just can't convince him to do it.
    I ditto PPs that compromises rarely make everyone happy, and also that every marriage is a compromise. (OT: My FI's belief he can invite his still-married parents, only one of whom he speaks to, together, but seat them separately at the reception. No no.)

    Your choices are really one of the following: 
    1. Have the Greek Orthodox ceremony your FILs want, acknowledging that this will give them the idea they can be involved in every decision you two make for the rest of your lives.
    2. Have the Greek Orthodox ceremony, but have a very, very small reception, knowing that the only people you can invite to the reception are people you invited to the ceremony. (Unless you do a truly private ceremony, which means immediate family only).
    3. Have a DW, but realise that means you have to host whomever you invite properly -- meaning a reception after the ceremony.
    4. Elope, then come home and have two receptions, one in each hometown, that are parties only, and not wedding-y at all (no cake cutting, no first dance, etc.)

    Whatever decision you two make has to be about you two, and no one else -- no his parents, not your parents, not his family, not your family. Just you, just him.

    Good luck!
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • doeydodoeydo member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited September 2013
    Is your FI religious and therefor wants to have a Greek Orthodox church ceremony or is it solely his parents?  If it is just his parents, I don't get it.  They don't get to choose where you get married.  Also, having two "weddings" (the second wouldn't be a true wedding though) just sounds costly and like a lot of hassle planning wise etc.
    ETA good luck with your marriage.  Sounds like FI puts his parents above you.
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  • amarsh1amarsh1
    Tenth Anniversary First Comment
    Thanks ladies for all your advice! We talked at length last night and weighed all of our options. And I think we are going to have a planned elopement and then just have two parties, one in NC and one in NY and make them very casual and just a celebration party, nothing like a reception, no cake cutting etc. That way, we are happy and everyone else in our lives should be happy because we are happy!
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    good for you!  ... although i must say

    EVERYONE WOULD BE HAPPIER IF THERE WAS CAKE.
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Good plan, but CAKE!!!
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