Shower Guest List?

bookworm1115 · September 2013

My fiance and I are from Texas and Indiana and we both have large families that are concentrated around our respective states. We currently live in Texas and have been tossing around the idea of doing a tiny wedding with just our parents, grandparents, and siblings. We would then like to do two receptions, one in Indiana, one in Texas, to include our friends and family without asking them to travel so far. My mom asked me how that would work for shower invitations. Do you think that if people are invited to the reception, it is ok to invite them to a shower also? Obviously anyone invited to the shower would also be invited to the reception, just not the ceremony since we are keeping it so small.

misshart00 · September 2013

I think anyone invited to the shower needs to be invited to the ceremony and reception. That's part of having a small wedding. You either don't get a shower, or you have a really small one if someone offers.

itzMS · September 2013

misshart00 said:

I think anyone invited to the shower needs to be invited to the ceremony and reception. That's part of having a small wedding. You either don't get a shower, or you have a really small one if someone offers.

Ditto.

If you don't know who you're inviting to your ceremony, you shouldn't be worrying about a shower guest list already.

The party in Indiana won't be a reception, anyways. The reception is on the day of your ceremony in Texas.

misssunshine17 · September 2013

Only people who are invited to the ceremony get invited to showers.

Also, your second 'reception' should be a fabulous party, but shouldn't include a big,white dress, cake cutting, first dances, etc since you'll already be a wife by then.

SKPM · September 2013

Your wedding reception is what immediately follows the wedding ceremony. You and your spouse receive (as it is a reception) your guests and provide them with food and drink (meal if it's a meal time, snacks/cake/punch if non-meal time). Only people invited to the ceremony and reception should be invited to any showers or bachelor/bachelorette parties.

You can have additional parties whenever you want, and you could show photos from your wedding, serve cake, have a DJ and a bar -- whatever. But again, it would be inappropriate to send shower invitations to guests who are not invited to the ceremony.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

My H and I are from different parts of the country. We threw around the idea of doing exactly this for a while because his parents said if we got married in my home state (which is also where we live), lots of people in his family wouldn't come. We wanted to plan our wedding in the state where we live. They offered to throw us a reception for his side of the family in his home state. We decided we didn't want that. Either people were going to attend our wedding or not.

We basically let them all know via word of mouth over a year in advance, "we are getting married in X town on X date. We are telling you now so that you can plan accordingly. Hope you can make it." We sent out STDs about 8 months out to remind them. Guess what? The people who wanted to come came and the people who didn't want to come didn't come.

I would urge you to just decide on a location to get married and have one event. Your families will meet each other and you won't be planning multiple events in different parts of the country.

If you send shower invites to people, they should be invited to your ceremony and reception.

ashleyep · September 2013

So I was wondering about something tangentially related to this.

Technically it is acceptable within etiquette to have a ceremony and reception on the same day and invite some guests only to the reception (but obviously not the other way around). Would a shower in that case also be side-eyed if people were invited that weren't invited to the ceremony?

Or is the fact that the ceremony and events are taking place at different times the issue here.

Maggie0829 · September 2013

ashleyep said:

So I was wondering about something tangentially related to this.

Technically it is acceptable within etiquette to have a ceremony and reception on the same day and invite some guests only to the reception (but obviously not the other way around). Would a shower in that case also be side-eyed if people were invited that weren't invited to the ceremony?

Or is the fact that the ceremony and events are taking place at different times the issue here.

Wait, what? Unless the couple is having an immediate family only ceremony (meaning parents, siblings and their SOs and maybe grandparents) everyone should be invited to the entire event.

As for the showers, anyone invited to the shower should also be invited to the ceremony and reception. It is the same with couples who have destination weddings and then turn around and have AHR. The people who are invited to the actual ceremony are the only one's who could also be invited to any pre-wedding parties.

OP, I would really reconsider this idea. You will be surprised how many people will be willing to travel to your wedding. Just make sure that you give all OOT guests advanced notice (send STDs out at the 9 month or maybe even 10 month mark). Plan a wedding that hosts your guests properly and hope that most can make it.

I personally think that planning 3 different events in 3 different locations would make my head explode.

ashleyep · September 2013

Maggie0829 said:

ashleyep said:

So I was wondering about something tangentially related to this.

Technically it is acceptable within etiquette to have a ceremony and reception on the same day and invite some guests only to the reception (but obviously not the other way around). Would a shower in that case also be side-eyed if people were invited that weren't invited to the ceremony?

Or is the fact that the ceremony and events are taking place at different times the issue here.

Wait, what? Unless the couple is having an immediate family only ceremony (meaning parents, siblings and their SOs and maybe grandparents) everyone should be invited to the entire event.

As for the showers, anyone invited to the shower should also be invited to the ceremony and reception. It is the same with couples who have destination weddings and then turn around and have AHR. The people who are invited to the actual ceremony are the only one's who could also be invited to any pre-wedding parties.

OP, I would really reconsider this idea. You will be surprised how many people will be willing to travel to your wedding. Just make sure that you give all OOT guests advanced notice (send STDs out at the 9 month or maybe even 10 month mark). Plan a wedding that hosts your guests properly and hope that most can make it.

I personally think that planning 3 different events in 3 different locations would make my head explode.

http://books.google.com/books?id=Ju1XvqoMookC&pg=PA610&lpg=PA610&dq=miss+manners+invite+guests+to+reception+and+not+ceremony&source=bl&ots=5HCgBFF2CP&sig=ftM9cB_M-YrKtl9zvHpbljIrvDc&hl=en&sa=X&ei=5Y8nUuz2IMT-4AOMsICYCg&ved=0CC4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=miss%20manners%20invite%20guests%20to%20reception%20and%20not%20ceremony&f=false

Miss Manners says "It has always been correct to invite more people to the reception than the ceremony." I wouldn't recommend it, and if you do do it, it better be a private ceremony with just family, like you said.

But anyway, if a couple has a private ceremony with just their parents and then a reception later in the day with everyone else, would we still side eye a shower?

I'm certainly not recommending this for OP, just a thought I had.

mblittle12 · September 2013

OP could be planning the tiny wedding because she only wants a tiny wedding with immediate family. I have known alot of people who want the actual wedding to be a very intimate thing and they plan something simple and elegant. Then, so they can celebrate in a much more casual way, they'll have a party or "reception" after the fact that will host a much larger number. (yes i know it's not technically a reception). Typically, it's a much more chill thing...food, cake, dancing, whatever...but no big poofy dresses

BUT, as someone else also stated, planning 3 events is alot. If the 2 "receptions" held afterwards were really casual and simply gatherings with some food and chances for people to mingle, then it might not be that bad to plan.

In regards to the showers, I would think having one would be near impossible considering the distance. Right?? Do you need one? Because you certainly don't have to do it. My sister lives in Washington and the rest of our family in Illinois. His family is Colorado. She chose not to do one because it was kind of ridiculous to try.

Maggie0829 · September 2013

@ashleyep - well sorry to Miss Manners but she is wrong. That is incredibly rude to do to your guests. I mean the entire point of the reception is because there was a ceremony. I would be completely peeved if I were a guest and realized that out of the 200 guests in attendance I was one of the 100 that weren't good enough to witness the ceremony (which I typically enjoy seeing) but was good enough to come to the reception with a present.

As for your question about a private ceremony and then larger reception. I would still side-eye a shower where guests who were invited were not also invited to witness the ceremony. I just feel that with some decisions in regards to DW or private ceremonies the couple has to realize that they should forgo showers or other pre-wedding parties.

SKPM · September 2013

ashleyep said:

Maggie0829 said:

ashleyep said:

So I was wondering about something tangentially related to this.

Technically it is acceptable within etiquette to have a ceremony and reception on the same day and invite some guests only to the reception (but obviously not the other way around). Would a shower in that case also be side-eyed if people were invited that weren't invited to the ceremony?

Or is the fact that the ceremony and events are taking place at different times the issue here.

Wait, what? Unless the couple is having an immediate family only ceremony (meaning parents, siblings and their SOs and maybe grandparents) everyone should be invited to the entire event.

As for the showers, anyone invited to the shower should also be invited to the ceremony and reception. It is the same with couples who have destination weddings and then turn around and have AHR. The people who are invited to the actual ceremony are the only one's who could also be invited to any pre-wedding parties.

OP, I would really reconsider this idea. You will be surprised how many people will be willing to travel to your wedding. Just make sure that you give all OOT guests advanced notice (send STDs out at the 9 month or maybe even 10 month mark). Plan a wedding that hosts your guests properly and hope that most can make it.

I personally think that planning 3 different events in 3 different locations would make my head explode.

http://books.google.com/books?id=Ju1XvqoMookC&pg=PA610&lpg=PA610&dq=miss+manners+invite+guests+to+reception+and+not+ceremony&source=bl&ots=5HCgBFF2CP&sig=ftM9cB_M-YrKtl9zvHpbljIrvDc&hl=en&sa=X&ei=5Y8nUuz2IMT-4AOMsICYCg&ved=0CC4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=miss%20manners%20invite%20guests%20to%20reception%20and%20not%20ceremony&f=false

Miss Manners says "It has always been correct to invite more people to the reception than the ceremony." I wouldn't recommend it, and if you do do it, it better be a private ceremony with just family, like you said.

But anyway, if a couple has a private ceremony with just their parents and then a reception later in the day with everyone else, would we still side eye a shower?

I'm certainly not recommending this for OP, just a thought I had.

I vote yes, I would side-eye a shower for a tiny ceremony/larger reception event. IMO, inviting me only to your reception already starts to border on looking gift-grabby, even though I know that isn't always the intent. But inviting me to yet *another* gift-giving event for you, and still not inviting me to the main event -- I'm side-eying.

ashleyep · September 2013

Maggie0829 said:

@ashleyep - well sorry to Miss Manners but she is wrong. That is incredibly rude to do to your guests. I mean the entire point of the reception is because there was a ceremony. I would be completely peeved if I were a guest and realized that out of the 200 guests in attendance I was one of the 100 that weren't good enough to witness the ceremony (which I typically enjoy seeing) but was good enough to come to the reception with a present.

As for your question about a private ceremony and then larger reception. I would still side-eye a shower where guests who were invited were not also invited to witness the ceremony. I just feel that with some decisions in regards to DW or private ceremonies the couple has to realize that they should forgo showers or other pre-wedding parties.

She does say in another scanned newspaper article I found specifically that it's okay in the instance of private ceremonies with immediate family. I'd definitely be peeved as well if 100 were invited to the ceremony and I wasn't.

I know it came up in a thread a few weeks ago where we all agreed that it was weird that it was allowed by etiquette, but not very nice. This thread reminded me of it, so I thought I'd mention it for discussion.

Maggie0829 · September 2013

@ashleyep - most of etiquette I agree with but there are a few things (like this issue for example) that I just think is ridiculous. I know etiquette should be followed, but I think first people should use common sense and common courtesy first and then listen to the etiquette rules.

Also I never understood the whole private ceremony then large reception thing. Just doesn't make sense in my head.

bookworm1115 · September 2013

OP here, the only reason the question came up about a shower is because my aunts/cousins typically throw a shower for the bride and I didn't know what I would say about a guest list.

If we did the ceremony with just our parents, grandparents, and siblings, it would be 10 people and it would be in New Mexico. So technically we would have both "receptions" at later dates.

The other reason for the separate parties is because I know that the majority of my family isn't financially able to travel that far for my wedding (we're talking 100+ people with just first aunts, uncles, and cousins). As for his family traveling, it would mean leaving his grandmother out, so it was somewhat of a catch 22.

My thought process was that it would be less of a burden on our family, we would still get our day with our closest family members, and still be able to celebrate with all of our family without costing anyone a fortune in travel.

Maggie0829 · September 2013

Well I think in your instance you should really forgo any showers. I know that may not be what you want to hear but being invited to a shower and then not the actual event that you are celebrating is a bit of a slap in the face.

No one is saying that doing what you are planning is wrong by any means, I just think it would be a planning headache. But I can see what you are saying about your family and such.

Just make sure that after your private ceremony that you host something for those guests. Like either a dinner or some cake and punch. (you may have mentioned something like that in your OP but I can't remember).

mblittle12 · September 2013

OP, I think your plan for small wedding and then 2 "receptions" later is just fine. And it makes sense.

If your aunts/cousins typically do something, then I would encourage them to just keep it to them and relate it to that side of the family. Then it's more a family celebration and not specifically your "shower". Don't make a big deal of it. If someone on his side of the family brings it up, you can just answer that it was a family event.

My friend ended up having 3 different showers because different families wanted to do their own thing. She just let them do their thing however they wanted and let them keep it to just that area of family. The only exception was that she wanted us (the bridal party) and her mom invited to all of them.

However, I'd def say no one on the shower list that won't make it to your reception list.

SKPM · September 2013

cesanterre said:

OP here, the only reason the question came up about a shower is because my aunts/cousins typically throw a shower for the bride and I didn't know what I would say about a guest list.
If we did the ceremony with just our parents, grandparents, and siblings, it would be 10 people and it would be in New Mexico. So technically we would have both "receptions" at later dates.
The other reason for the separate parties is because I know that the majority of my family isn't financially able to travel that far for my wedding (we're talking 100+ people with just first aunts, uncles, and cousins). As for his family traveling, it would mean leaving his grandmother out, so it was somewhat of a catch 22.
My thought process was that it would be less of a burden on our family, we would still get our day with our closest family members, and still be able to celebrate with all of our family without costing anyone a fortune in travel.

Right, but technically the reception is, by definition, what follows the ceremony. Like I said, you can have additional parties as you please. But it is appropriate to host your ceremony guests to thank them for attending your ceremony (with food/drink appropriate for the time of day).

bookworm1115 · September 2013

I fully intend to feed my family after the ceremony.

SKPM · September 2013

cesanterre said:

I fully intend to feed my family after the ceremony.

Glad to hear it! I don't assume anything anymore if it isn't stated; you'd be amazed what some brides think they can do because it's their "special day." Good luck with your plans.

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