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People Adding People to RSVP

malpal0208malpal0208
First Comment
in Wedding Invitations & Paper
When addressing invitations I was very careful to write out exactly who was invited to our wedding. My Fiance and I made the rule that unless you are in a serious relationship (engaged, married, living together, been dating for more than 1 yr) then plus ones are not invited to the wedding. Those that I knew were in serious relationships I added their significant other's name to their invite, if I didn't know their name I wrote "so and so and guest." 

We are however running into the issue that people are just assuming that they get a plus one with their invite (my friends, my cousin, MY BRIDESMAID). What's a nice way to tell people "sorry but your plus one can't come?" We just don't want a bunch of random people at our wedding that we've never met before. This just adds the potential for drama if that guest gets drunk or something else happens and we just don't want that hassle. At least one of my friends was nice enough to ask if her invite included a plus one, to which I told her no. 

Any suggestions would help! And am I way out of line to think it's absurd that people just assume they get a plus one unless their invitation clearly states it? 
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Re: People Adding People to RSVP

  • mlg78mlg78 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited September 2013

    A couple things...

    If they're talking about someone they're in a relationship with then you must allow them to bring their significant other.  It's poor etiquette otherwise.

    If they're trying to bring just anyone (friend, date, whoever...) then no, you're no required to allow them to bring someone but if they're in your wedding party you really should and if they don't know anyone else at the wedding you DEFINITELY should.  Why not wait it out and see if you get some declines first before addressing it?  I sense you'll say no to this so you'll have to contact them and say, "Unfortunately we do not have the ability to allow you to bring a guest to this wedding."  For me, I didn't see this as a battle worth picking since we've now had enough declines that I'm allowing single people to bring +1s.

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  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer

    malpal0208 said:
    When addressing invitations I was very careful to write out exactly who was invited to our wedding. My Fiance and I made the rule that unless you are in a serious relationship (engaged, married, living together, been dating for more than 1 yr) then plus ones are not invited to the wedding. Those that I knew were in serious relationships I added their significant other's name to their invite, if I didn't know their name I wrote "so and so and guest." 

    We are however running into the issue that people are just assuming that they get a plus one with their invite (my friends, my cousin, MY BRIDESMAID). What's a nice way to tell people "sorry but your plus one can't come?" We just don't want a bunch of random people at our wedding that we've never met before. This just adds the potential for drama if that guest gets drunk or something else happens and we just don't want that hassle. At least one of my friends was nice enough to ask if her invite included a plus one, to which I told her no. 

    Any suggestions would help! And am I way out of line to think it's absurd that people just assume they get a plus one unless their invitation clearly states it? 
    Your guests are confused because your rule is ridiculous. A +1 is for people who are single. People get very offended when you don't respect their relationship enough to invite their SO to celebrate your relationship. It's hypocritical and rude.

    I can't imagine telling my bridesmaid that her relationship didn't make the cut.



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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Are you inviting people who have been dating for less than one year without their significant other? If so then the issue is with the hosts and not the guests.

    If people are trying to add random dates and not their partners then call and explain that the Invitation was just for one.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    It's rude to make arbitrary rules that judge the seriousness of others' relationships (e.g. "only married or engaged" or "only married, engaged or living together" etc.). If someone is in a relationship, their SO should be invited. 

    You can fix this by calling these people up and saying, "Hi Sally, I got your RSVP that you're coming to the wedding. I'm so excited you'll be there. I noticed that you added a guest to your RSVP. What is your boyfriend/girlfriend's name? I'm so sorry I didn't realize you were seeing someone." If Sally says, "That's ok - my boyfriend's name is Tom Smith" then you say, "Great, I will add this to the list." If Sally says, "Oh, I'm not seeing anyone. I just wanted to bring my friend because I won't know anyone" then you can say, "Oh, I'm really sorry, but we can't accommodate any extra guests. Will you still be able to attend?"

    Easy. You make it look like a mistake (not a deliberate choice), you connect with your guests and you fix the faux pas.
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  • RedJacks25RedJacks25 member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2013
    I moved in with FI a month after I started dating him. I didn't really know we would last, but I was just having fun at that time in life and figured why the hell not? How is it fair that you would have given me (someone who wasn't really in a "serious" relationship) a +1 just because we were living together, but deny that right to someone who has decided they don't want to live with their SO but they've been dating for 11 months?

    How long were you dating your FI before you knew that you two had something special? Before you loved him? Before you knew you wanted to marry him? If the answer to any of those questions is less than a year, you're a hypocrite.

    You cannot just arbitrarily choose who, in your eyes, is in a serious relationship. Everyone who considers themselves in a relationship gets invited with that person. This is all on you. Stop blaming your guests and make this right with them.
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  • malpal0208malpal0208
    First Comment
    edited September 2013
    I'd like to clarify that we aren't trying to be mean. We want to invite people that we know and have met. I'm not saying other people's relationships don't matter, I'm saying that they are assuming they get a plus one and then inviting someone random (not someone they are dating). There is nothing wrong with not allowing people to bring a plus one to a wedding, that's our decision to have a more intimate and private ceremony and reception. 

    I understand some of you find it rude to not include a plus one for some people and not for others, but we aren't telling people "you can't bring your SO because your relationship isn't serious." I'm saying "the invitation is for you and you alone." We aren't trying to cheapen anyone's relationship whatsoever. I should have been more clear in my first post - I totally understand that a relationship can become serious in a very short amount of time and I'm not trying to assume I know anything about our guest's private relationships. 

    The issue is some invitations are for one person and one person only - others are for them and their SO because we know them too and people are assuming that they get a plus one when the invitation clearly does not state a plus one is included. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It doesn't matter whether or not you know or have met the significant other. If the SO exists, s/he needs to be invited.

    Now if these people are truly unattached, call them and explain that the Invitation was for just them. If they follow up that they are in a relationship, invite the SO.
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  • RedJacks25RedJacks25 member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Why is there a potential for drama if the people you don't know get drunk? If you don't think the people you do know will create drama, then why do you think that the people they bring will create drama?
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  • malpal0208malpal0208
    First Comment
    Bottom line is it's our choice who we want to invite to our wedding. If we don't want someone there that we don't know that's our obligation and I think that's totally acceptable. 

    Sorry to offend all of you with wanting to share my special day with only people we know and love. I wish you could all get over the fact that you think I am trying to cheapen someone's relationship by not including their SO. 

    Again the issue is people assuming they get a plus one when wedding/invitation etiquette is that unless your invitation says "You and a Guest are Invited" then a plus one is traditionally not included. 

    I have in fact not been able to attend a wedding with my now fiance because I did not know the people getting married and they wanted it close friends and family only and he was in the wedding party. I understood that it was the bride and grooms choice to not include me as they didn't know me. 
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  • malpal0208malpal0208
    First Comment
    southernbelle0915 said:
    It's rude to make arbitrary rules that judge the seriousness of others' relationships (e.g. "only married or engaged" or "only married, engaged or living together" etc.). If someone is in a relationship, their SO should be invited. 

    You can fix this by calling these people up and saying, "Hi Sally, I got your RSVP that you're coming to the wedding. I'm so excited you'll be there. I noticed that you added a guest to your RSVP. What is your boyfriend/girlfriend's name? I'm so sorry I didn't realize you were seeing someone." If Sally says, "That's ok - my boyfriend's name is Tom Smith" then you say, "Great, I will add this to the list." If Sally says, "Oh, I'm not seeing anyone. I just wanted to bring my friend because I won't know anyone" then you can say, "Oh, I'm really sorry, but we can't accommodate any extra guests. Will you still be able to attend?"

    Easy. You make it look like a mistake (not a deliberate choice), you connect with your guests and you fix the faux pas.
    Thank you - this is exactly what I'm looking for
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    malpal0208 said:

    Bottom line is it's our choice who we want to invite to our wedding. If we don't want someone there that we don't know that's our obligation and I think that's totally acceptable. 


    Sorry to offend all of you with wanting to share my special day with only people we know and love. I wish you could all get over the fact that you think I am trying to cheapen someone's relationship by not including their SO. 

    Again the issue is people assuming they get a plus one when wedding/invitation etiquette is that unless your invitation says "You and a Guest are Invited" then a plus one is traditionally not included. 

    I have in fact not been able to attend a wedding with my now fiance because I did not know the people getting married and they wanted it close friends and family only and he was in the wedding party. I understood that it was the bride and grooms choice to not include me as they didn't know me. 
    You were on the receiving end of rude actions made by a bride and groom. Why make the same mistake?

    It is wrong to split up couples and it's particularly wrong when the event is celebrating the recent union of one.

    You can do what you want but acknowledge that you ARE being rude and don't be surprised if people are pissed of as a result.
    Report Reply
  • malpal0208malpal0208
    First Comment
    banana468 said:
    Bottom line is it's our choice who we want to invite to our wedding. If we don't want someone there that we don't know that's our obligation and I think that's totally acceptable. 

    Sorry to offend all of you with wanting to share my special day with only people we know and love. I wish you could all get over the fact that you think I am trying to cheapen someone's relationship by not including their SO. 

    Again the issue is people assuming they get a plus one when wedding/invitation etiquette is that unless your invitation says "You and a Guest are Invited" then a plus one is traditionally not included. 

    I have in fact not been able to attend a wedding with my now fiance because I did not know the people getting married and they wanted it close friends and family only and he was in the wedding party. I understood that it was the bride and grooms choice to not include me as they didn't know me. 
    You were on the receiving end of rude actions made by a bride and groom. Why make the same mistake? It is wrong to split up couples and it's particularly wrong when the event is celebrating the recent union of one. You can do what you want but acknowledge that you ARE being rude and don't be surprised if people are pissed of as a result.
    1. I didn't think it was rude of the b/g at that wedding I understood. 
    2. You still aren't getting that what I'm saying is people are inviting other people as their plus one, not their SO. 

    I get that you think I'm rude. Again, our wedding, our decision. Leave it alone. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    malpal0208 said:


    banana468 said:

    malpal0208 said:

    Bottom line is it's our choice who we want to invite to our wedding. If we don't want someone there that we don't know that's our obligation and I think that's totally acceptable. 


    Sorry to offend all of you with wanting to share my special day with only people we know and love. I wish you could all get over the fact that you think I am trying to cheapen someone's relationship by not including their SO. 

    Again the issue is people assuming they get a plus one when wedding/invitation etiquette is that unless your invitation says "You and a Guest are Invited" then a plus one is traditionally not included. 

    I have in fact not been able to attend a wedding with my now fiance because I did not know the people getting married and they wanted it close friends and family only and he was in the wedding party. I understood that it was the bride and grooms choice to not include me as they didn't know me. 
    You were on the receiving end of rude actions made by a bride and groom. Why make the same mistake?

    It is wrong to split up couples and it's particularly wrong when the event is celebrating the recent union of one.

    You can do what you want but acknowledge that you ARE being rude and don't be surprised if people are pissed of as a result.

    1. I didn't think it was rude of the b/g at that wedding I understood. 
    2. You still aren't getting that what I'm saying is people are inviting other people as their plus one, not their SO. 

    I get that you think I'm rude. Again, our wedding, our decision. Leave it alone. 



    You never clarified that the additions were just dates and not SOs.

    Understanding what the other bride and groom did hardly makes what they did acceptable. It WAS rude.

    You can make any decision you'd like for your wedding. If you're doing something incorrect, people will notice.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    malpal0208 said:
    banana468 said:
    Bottom line is it's our choice who we want to invite to our wedding. If we don't want someone there that we don't know that's our obligation and I think that's totally acceptable. 

    Sorry to offend all of you with wanting to share my special day with only people we know and love. I wish you could all get over the fact that you think I am trying to cheapen someone's relationship by not including their SO. 

    Again the issue is people assuming they get a plus one when wedding/invitation etiquette is that unless your invitation says "You and a Guest are Invited" then a plus one is traditionally not included. 

    I have in fact not been able to attend a wedding with my now fiance because I did not know the people getting married and they wanted it close friends and family only and he was in the wedding party. I understood that it was the bride and grooms choice to not include me as they didn't know me. 
    You were on the receiving end of rude actions made by a bride and groom. Why make the same mistake? It is wrong to split up couples and it's particularly wrong when the event is celebrating the recent union of one. You can do what you want but acknowledge that you ARE being rude and don't be surprised if people are pissed of as a result.
    1. I didn't think it was rude of the b/g at that wedding I understood. 
    2. You still aren't getting that what I'm saying is people are inviting other people as their plus one, not their SO. 

    I get that you think I'm rude. Again, our wedding, our decision. Leave it alone. 
    If that's the case, then you can tell them no. It's super rude to add additional people (children, friends, etc.). Some people come here like "help, my husband/FI wasn't included on the invitation, should I add him to the RSVP or not?" The best advice I've heard on this is for the guest to call up the bride/groom and ask if it was a mistake of it the SO is truly not invited. If the SO is truly not invited, I always tell people to decline the invitation. It's like "why would I attend something to celebrate your relationship when you don't even respect mine?" KWIM?

    I think people here were just concerned that because your OP where you said you guys made a rule and drew the line there that you were pulling the same thing that was done to you and other guests (like if you guys were excluding SOs just because you don't know them). If you're not doing that and all SOs are included, then you're totally in the clear. It sounds like you're including all SOs and that's awesome. Yay for good etiquette!
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  • Fran1985 Fran1985 member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    malpal0208 said:
    ... my special day ...
    There it is! 

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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    malpal0208 said:
    When addressing invitations I was very careful to write out exactly who was invited to our wedding. My Fiance and I made the rule that unless you are in a serious relationship (engaged, married, living together, been dating for more than 1 yr) then plus ones are not invited to the wedding. Those that I knew were in serious relationships I added their significant other's name to their invite, if I didn't know their name I wrote "so and so and guest." 

    We are however running into the issue that people are just assuming that they get a plus one with their invite (my friends, my cousin, MY BRIDESMAID). What's a nice way to tell people "sorry but your plus one can't come?" We just don't want a bunch of random people at our wedding that we've never met before. This just adds the potential for drama if that guest gets drunk or something else happens and we just don't want that hassle. At least one of my friends was nice enough to ask if her invite included a plus one, to which I told her no. 

    Any suggestions would help! And am I way out of line to think it's absurd that people just assume they get a plus one unless their invitation clearly states it? 

    malpal0208 said:
    I'd like to clarify that we aren't trying to be mean. We want to invite people that we know and have met. I'm not saying other people's relationships don't matter, I'm saying that they are assuming they get a plus one and then inviting someone random (not someone they are dating). There is nothing wrong with not allowing people to bring a plus one to a wedding, that's our decision to have a more intimate and private ceremony and reception. 

    I understand some of you find it rude to not include a plus one for some people and not for others, but we aren't telling people "you can't bring your SO because your relationship isn't serious." I'm saying "the invitation is for you and you alone." We aren't trying to cheapen anyone's relationship whatsoever. I should have been more clear in my first post - I totally understand that a relationship can become serious in a very short amount of time and I'm not trying to assume I know anything about our guest's private relationships. 

    The issue is some invitations are for one person and one person only - others are for them and their SO because we know them too and people are assuming that they get a plus one when the invitation clearly does not state a plus one is included. 
    The two bolded statements are inconsistent. Either you know and have met your friends' SOs, in which case you invite them by name, or you don't, in which case you invite them by "and guest."

    You don't get to randomly decide which relationships matter, sorry. So anyone who's in a relationship of any length (one year? Dude, FI and I are getting married two months after our one-year anniversary) gets to bring his/her SO. That's your bad.

    Truly single people -- TRULY SINGLE PEOPLE -- you may phone and say, "I'm so sorry, the invite was for you only. Will you be attending?"
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • robynvikrerobynvikre member
    First Comment
    This is your wedding and you should be able to tell someone, sorry your +1 wasn't invited and unfortuntaly we do not have the space for them. My fiance has 2 good friends that seem to be dating a new girl every 2 weeks. We have decided that they are not getting a +1 on their invitation for we do not want some random girl there. People need to understand that every person costs more money and some places can only hold so many people. You and fiance need and should tell people sorry your +1 can't attend. 
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  • katiemk1090katiemk1090 member
    First Comment
    I think I understand what you mean. My fiancé and I are doing something similar. We are somewhat limited in budget and will only give +1s to guests who are in some sort of relationship. You send invitations a couple months in advance anyway, so I guess that will be the cutoff for who gets a plus one and who doesn't. Definitely allow your bridesmaid a date even if she isn't in a relationship, she's probably already spending mucho $$$ for you and that's the least you can do. If someone is truly single and they added the flavor of the week as their imaginary plus one then yeah, definitely call them up and have that previously stated convo with them.
    southernbelle0915 said:
    It's rude to make arbitrary rules that judge the seriousness of others' relationships (e.g. "only married or engaged" or "only married, engaged or living together" etc.). If someone is in a relationship, their SO should be invited. 

    You can fix this by calling these people up and saying, "Hi Sally, I got your RSVP that you're coming to the wedding. I'm so excited you'll be there. I noticed that you added a guest to your RSVP. What is your boyfriend/girlfriend's name? I'm so sorry I didn't realize you were seeing someone." If Sally says, "That's ok - my boyfriend's name is Tom Smith" then you say, "Great, I will add this to the list." If Sally says, "Oh, I'm not seeing anyone. I just wanted to bring my friend because I won't know anyone" then you can say, "Oh, I'm really sorry, but we can't accommodate any extra guests. Will you still be able to attend?"

    Easy. You make it look like a mistake (not a deliberate choice), you connect with your guests and you fix the faux pas.

    Report Reply
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