Rehearsal dinner etiquette question...

mandylightful · September 2013

My fiance's family is great, and they do well money-wise. My family does not, but they have pitched in a lot thus far.

My fiance's uncle is amazing, and has given us some money for the big day, and is also acting as our coordinator for the day before and day of the wedding.

We had a planning meeting yesterday, and he was asking questions about the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. We do not have a lot of money for this event, and have been doing it all ourselves up until we rec'd money from uncle (which was an amazing blessing!!!!!)... I felt very awkward because I feel like my fiance's father should be stepping up to offer a dinner, even if it's just pizza. F's uncle even said "you could just get a few pizzas, and have someone in the bridal party run and grab them." Which is all well and good, but I really don't feel like we should have to pay for that. And i'm not really sure how to address this. I felt awkward because this is his brother who should be at least offering, so I just asked to table the discussion for a bit.

We are down to 25 days, however, and I need to figure this out. Do we just suck it up and pay for pizzas for the rehearsal, or do I say something nicely to our coordinator/fiance's uncle re: etiquette and ask what he thinks?

Help!! :S This is my biggest stress currently... Family dynamics are hard, especially when they aren't your family yet!!

Jen4948 · September 2013

It's not okay for you to expect your FI's family to pitch in. That has to be voluntary on their part. If they don't, then yes, you need to pay for a rehearsal dinner on your own. Pizzas are perfectly acceptable.

OliveOilsMom · September 2013

mandylightful said:

My fiance's family is great, and they do well money-wise. My family does not, but they have pitched in a lot thus far.

My fiance's uncle is amazing, and has given us some money for the big day, and is also acting as our coordinator for the day before and day of the wedding.

We had a planning meeting yesterday, and he was asking questions about the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. We do not have a lot of money for this event, and have been doing it all ourselves up until we rec'd money from uncle (which was an amazing blessing!!!!!)... I felt very awkward because I feel like my fiance's father should be stepping up to offer a dinner, even if it's just pizza. F's uncle even said "you could just get a few pizzas, and have someone in the bridal party run and grab them." Which is all well and good, but I really don't feel like we should have to pay for that. And i'm not really sure how to address this. I felt awkward because this is his brother who should be at least offering, so I just asked to table the discussion for a bit.

We are down to 25 days, however, and I need to figure this out. Do we just suck it up and pay for pizzas for the rehearsal, or do I say something nicely to our coordinator/fiance's uncle re: etiquette and ask what he thinks?

Help!! :S This is my biggest stress currently... Family dynamics are hard, especially when they aren't your family yet!!

If you are having a rehearsal, you need to also have a rehearsal dinner. H & I paid for the food at our RD and my parents offered to pay for the drinks, tax, and gratuity. If they did not offer, H & I were ready for pay for the whole thing ourselves. If you don't have money for a RD, then don't have a rehearsal. Usually, they are not needed unless you are having an overly complicated ceremony.

gmcr78 · September 2013

It's nobody's responsibility to pay for anything, so if his dad hasn't offered, then you should just assume you're on your own. It's poor etiquette to ask someone to pay for something for you.

ScrabbleAndLlamas · September 2013

If you're going to have a rehearsal, you need to feed everyone. Either don't have one, or plan on paying for pizza and delivery- don't make someone pick up the food for a party where they're a guest. If the uncle offers, feel free to take him up on it. But to be irritated because he won't give you more money? Think about it.

KeptInStitches · September 2013

Since your FI's family hasn't offered to pay for a rehearsal dinner, you have a couple of options: 1.) you can scrap the rehearsal or 2.) you can pay for a few pizzas, a salad, and some soda. No rehearsal = no rehearsal dinner and the dinner doesn't have to be fancy.

mandylightful · September 2013

I'm quite obviously not going to ask his father to pay for anything... I'm just saying that his uncle has really been sticking to the etiquette of the entire situation -- telling us left and right what is proper etiquette for things... The fact that it was tradition for the groom's family to pay for the rehearsal dinner even came up when we first got engaged and were talking about wedding things. That is the only reason that I'm confused -- I guess I should have clarified and said that I'm getting, and have been getting, mixed signals about all of this.

A rehearsal will be needed for us since we have several people coming in from out of town who will be in the bridal party, and we (and my brain!) will need that time. I am completely prepared to end up paying for pizzas or something, again, I should have clarified that it all boils down to mixed signals/comments from SI's side of the family and how to deal with it... And hurt feelings on my end due to lack of enthusiasm/participation in that realm!

All of these hours of crafting and planning are starting to get to me I think...

mandylightful · September 2013

If you're going to have a rehearsal, you need to feed everyone. Either don't have one, or plan on paying for pizza and delivery- don't make someone pick up the food for a party where they're a guest. If the uncle offers, feel free to take him up on it. But to be irritated because he won't give you more money? Think about it.

-- This is totally not about his uncle at all. His uncle has been BEYOND amazing!!!

He is helping to coordinate, and has given us some money, which was and is the hugest blessing!

ElcaB · September 2013

You shouldn't "suck it up" and pay for pizzas, you should pay for pizzas happily. It's no one's responsibility but yours, so unless it's offered, you foot the bill. I'd advise against discussing your attitude about who "should" pay with anyone.

ScrabbleAndLlamas · September 2013

That's good you're not going to ask! Sorry we assume, but read back a few pages- people actually come on here thinking they should ask people to pay for things. I say plan it on your dollar as you did the wedding, and if you get pleasantly surprised, you get pleasantly surprised.

mandylightful · September 2013

Woodschr - Exactly! And I am totally prepared to do that.

I guess my original grumble/question/concern should have just been how do I deal with my SI's father in law not really having much of an interest in the wedding/participating. The rehearsal dinner thing was just kind of the catalyst to my frustrations.

The thing about is, his father is amazing. He is a very kind and generous man, who has treated me like his daughter since we started dating.

That's why his reactions/lack of reactions about our wedding and wedding planning have been really confusing... :S

I'm 25 days out, and taking everything personally... :P That's normal, right??

OliveOilsMom · September 2013

There is a difference between etiquette and tradition. While it's traditional for the groom's parents to pay for the RD, alcohol at the reception, and bride's bouquet. These types of traditions are falling by the wayside. One reason, is that B&Gs used to marry out of their parents house - now many B&Gs live on their own or together prior to marriage and are already standing on their own 2 feet. Etiquette is how to properly treats your guests, so if you must have a rehearsal, it's only proper to thank your WP for participating in the rehearsal by offereing them a dinner. And it doesn't need to be formal, pizza is perfect.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

I would think about if you really need a rehearsal or not. If you don't need one, then skip it and you have no obligation to host anything. If you absolutely need one, host something you can afford afterwards. If it's pizza and pop, great.

Viczaesar · September 2013

mandylightful said:

I'm quite obviously not going to ask his father to pay for anything... I'm just saying that his uncle has really been sticking to the etiquette of the entire situation -- telling us left and right what is proper etiquette for things... The fact that it was tradition for the groom's family to pay for the rehearsal dinner even came up when we first got engaged and were talking about wedding things. That is the only reason that I'm confused -- I guess I should have clarified and said that I'm getting, and have been getting, mixed signals about all of this.

A rehearsal will be needed for us since we have several people coming in from out of town who will be in the bridal party, and we (and my brain!) will need that time. I am completely prepared to end up paying for pizzas or something, again, I should have clarified that it all boils down to mixed signals/comments from SI's side of the family and how to deal with it... And hurt feelings on my end due to lack of enthusiasm/participation in that realm!

All of these hours of crafting and planning are starting to get to me I think...

Tradition and etiquette are two different things.

KDM323 · September 2013

Order pizzas for delivery and let the rest go. You're stressing too much.

mandylightful · September 2013

Thanks guys!

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

mandylightful said:

I'm quite obviously not going to ask his father to pay for anything... I'm just saying that his uncle has really been sticking to the etiquette of the entire situation -- telling us left and right what is proper etiquette for things... The fact that it was tradition for the groom's family to pay for the rehearsal dinner even came up when we first got engaged and were talking about wedding things. That is the only reason that I'm confused -- I guess I should have clarified and said that I'm getting, and have been getting, mixed signals about all of this.

A rehearsal will be needed for us since we have several people coming in from out of town who will be in the bridal party, and we (and my brain!) will need that time. I am completely prepared to end up paying for pizzas or something, again, I should have clarified that it all boils down to mixed signals/comments from SI's side of the family and how to deal with it... And hurt feelings on my end due to lack of enthusiasm/participation in that realm!

All of these hours of crafting and planning are starting to get to me I think...

I still don't understand this.

easilyunamused · September 2013

I think its a case of wanting a rehearsal, not needing one. But if you have a rehearsal you need to have a RD even if you don't want to pay for it yourself. No one is obligated to pay for anything for you and your FI's wedding.

MobKaz · September 2013

@mandylightful.....sometimes it's not the amount that throws us off the ledge; it's the fact that it is one more thing requiring money. I can understand that even if it's $50 for a few pizzas and soda, it's one more thing to add to the list. I can empathize.

Try to look at the rehearsal night as an intimate and quiet reward with your close friends, celebrating the end of months of crafting and planning. And, as other posters have suggested, make sure you really NEED the rehearsal.

saric83 · September 2013

Try not to have your feelings hurt too much by your future FIL's lack of involvement with the wedding. I don't really know of many FOG that are even that involved in wedding planning, so don't take it personally.

As for the mixed signals, I might be completely reading into it too much. But perhaps the uncle is insinuating that you should pay for it since you have money he gave you, so it would essentially be paid for by the groom's family. Just something to consider.....

mandylightful · September 2013

@mobkaz - You have hit it precisely on the head. Exactly!

And yes, it's a want to have a rehearsal, but also a slight need. We have people coming in who haven't been in the direct loop, and this rehearsal will give us all time to connect and make sure we are on the same page!

And @saric83 - I think you are right! He hasn't insinuated much of anything, but I think you are right! Which makes a lot of sense... Money just goes out the window so fast in wedding planning!! :P

Rehearsal dinner etiquette question...

Re: Rehearsal dinner etiquette question...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards