Serious post - apologies in advance, and appreciate any advice

ChaoswithGrace · March 2013

I have probably the most understanding and loving fiancé. I'm blessed to have him in my life, but life has a funny way of showing you all the twist and turns. My FI family doesn't really understand the point of having a wedding because of the "spectacle" it is, no matter how small. If I had a 60 person wedding and backyard reception, it's still considered a "show". My FI wouldn't mind eloping or even going to downtown to get married at the court house, but he's compromising to have my family and friends there to witness our wedding. Time would be our ally in easing any doubts of my loyalty and devotion to my FI as they are being questioned by my FI's small untrusting family. The expressed they may not go to our wedding.
Now, here's my concerns. My father has faced a battle of stage 4 cancer since 2007. Lately there's been talk out him discontinuing chemo - which could shorten the time he's here, and let alone the time period he'll want to be public. Planning a small wedding in 2014 or late 2013 is not possible due to the time period, but by asking to speed the wedding up I seem like an impatient gold digging untrustworthy (insert insult here as I've heard them all)
My FI advises me that he doesn't allow his M thoughts to cloud his judgement. He loves me unconditionally and that I should have no worries.

I'm spiraling and all of a sudden colors table settings pale to compare to having my father walk me down the isle. Any kind words, prayers, advice is welcome. Thank you in advance

ohlittleheart · March 2013

Hey there. Let me remind you that you are marrying your FI, not his family. You fell in love with him, and his opinions are the ones that matter. As long as he understands your reasons, don't worry about what his family thinks. Most importantly, do whats best for YOU and your father. Your wedding day wouldn't be the same if God forbid your father isn't there to walk you down the aisle. In which case, you would hold a grudge against his family for making you wait.

Do whatever's in your heart. My grandmother passed away from cancer when I was just 5, and now that I'm getting married, I'd give the world to have her there on my big day...

I will keep your father in my prayers, God is good, and there is no thing too big or too small for him when we ask. Don't lose hope.

We don't know each other, but I already know what an amazing woman you are just by this post and how sincere you are. So, don't worry about people who think otherwise. At the end of the day, you know your truth♥

LeciaB · March 2013

Exactly what ohlitterheart said ... You and your father are in my prayers... I feel that you should do what you feel is in your heart... The people who love you and your FI will make a way and be there for you guys... Good vibes and blessings your way

Dukefan561 · March 2013

Ask yourself, will you always regret not having your Father during your wedding, when given the chance? If yes, then do what is best for you, and see about having lasting memories your FI and Father.....
You are his baby girl, not theirs....

Bat Mitzvah Mom · March 2013

Is there a reason that his family feels this way? Do they feel this way about weddings in general? why would it be a spectacle? Why would they call you a gold digger? If he has a relationship with them and plans to continue doing so, I'd urge you to see if you can work out your differences with them before you walk down the aisle.You don't want a lifetime of in-law tension if you can avoid it. That said, at the end of the day, if you and he are going to be married, it doesn't matter where or when you do it and the most important thing is that your father can be there and be able to be part of your special day. Weddings are a fleeting moment and marriage is a lifetime. I hope you find your solution.

Doingitoutside2013 · March 2013

I will be praying for you and your father. I am sure your close friends and family will help with the wedding detail "stress" so you can have the wedding your heart desires while your dad is still able to enjoy it.

ChaoswithGrace · March 2013

Thank you for all your kind words and prayers, it means the world to me. In regards to his family: they've been hurt in the past by unworthy disloyal people so they keep a guard up in regards to everything. I've been nice, respectful and they've been nice to my face at times, but behind closed doors it was a free for all on topics like my eight, my family, my values, the fact that I belong to a church and the idea of a church is a fraud but I don't have to be a Christian and give money to a system when believing is free. I have a gay sister and they don't agree with that lifestyle yet I'm poked and asked if she is gay, he's the only child which expendable financial means - that his importance started to change when we met, (main reason) he can't afford two households so it's viewed as betrayal not moving on. I'm one of many kids and worked since I was 15 years years old and I know the value of a dollar, and a bargain shopper. I guess I should be flattered they think I'm a materialistic type of gal when I manage to do my own manicures and shop at Kohls. I'll never do right by them because I'm "taking" the focus away from my FI true responsibilities - being everyone's bail out.

ChaoswithGrace · March 2013

And ohlittleheart, we have the same wedding date in mind 12.7.13

Mademoiselle D · March 2013

I'll piggy back on what Ohlittleheat wrote. She said everything I would say to you. Do what your heart desires and have your dad have the pleasure to walk you down the aisle and witness your wedding. I would have loved for some of family members who were not able to come to my wedding due to serious health reasons. It would had made me extrememly happy for them to be there on my special day. I am sure you would want that with your dad. If your FI is on board with it then go for it! I would probably suggest having something intimate so you wouldn't fret about wedding planning since it is very stressful.

Sending you positive vibes and prayers for your dad.

ChaoswithGrace · September 2013

thanks for all your lovely words. I've been avoiding wedding planning for a while, but now that I'm 94 days away, I got my butt into gear. Just to update you ladies:

I lost my father 6.12.13 to cancer, but thankfully I was able to have a commitment ceremony at my parent's home a week prior (6.4.13) while he was home on hospice. It was perfect and warm and surrounded by close family and friends.

Things regarding the MIL have gotten better, but now that we're turning the corner, we're just facing the budgeting questions - and where we're spending our money. I'm just taking each day at a time, and focusing on the good and marrying my FI.

Again thank you so much for all your advice ladies

xo

CB

LeciaB · September 2013

@chaoswithgrace... I am sorry about your father.. my prayers are with you all.. I am glad that he is not suffering any longer and that he was able to see the ceremony... Keep us posted on everything and nothing but love and blessings your way

Lauderdale Pink · September 2013

I am not going to say what I think of your future in-laws on-line because the words are too harsh. They should be kissing your feet and thanking the stars and heavens above that their son found such a devoted, loving woman. One who would give everything to have her father at her wedding and accepts her sister unconditionally. I will say that the could probably find a surgeon to remove the sticks from certain uncomfortable areas.

ChaoswithGrace · September 2013

Lauderdale Pink you're my new bestfriend. I've received board bashing in the past with other brides saying that I'm the one that needs to stop creating a place for my self and be more understanding. ..

.... I wanted to throttle her.

.

ChaoswithGrace · September 2013

LeciaB thank you so much for your sweet and kind words. I know that my father is proud of me.

Random side story: I went shopping for a wedding dress on last weekend, and I was nervous. Previous brides have always told me, "Don't worry, you may not find it on the first day it's a process".

I ended up picking the 5th dress I tried on. The funny thing is, I was expecting this moment, where you get emotional and start crying. Something similar to that whole "say yes to the dress" thing. It didn't hit me until the woman brought over a bell asking me to make a wish. I lost it. I started crying then, and made a wish that my dad would be proud of me, and a side wish that the FI's family would lighten up.

Sigh.

tirathemrs · September 2013

Ill definitely keep you in my prayers... we sometimes want everyone to be happy and ready to celebrate with us in this special moment but that just isnt the case all the time.. we have to understand that this is our day and not to let no one and nobody rain on our parade, you have to do what makes you and your future hubby happy and knowing that your dad may not be on this earth long is worth rushing your date to have him by your side.. And as someone else stated you fell in love with him not his family they will get over it and as for the name calling well we all know the little saying "STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME" LOL yes i went there with it LOL... Ill be praying for you and your family...

ChaoswithGrace · September 2013

Thank you @misstira!

ChaoswithGrace · December 2013

Checking in hope all you ladies are doing well. The Nest site is a little slow. lol

Serious post - apologies in advance, and appreciate any advice

Re: Serious post - apologies in advance, and appreciate any advice

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