Ceremony

npgutierrez · September 2013

Hi!

My name is Nancy and I will be getting married to the most amazing man October 4, 2014.

I come from a big Mexican family and as the big Mexican family they are they want a catholic ceremony. Great and all but my fiancé is not catholic. I do not want to force him to have a catholic mass because that isn't him. I want a happy medium. Any suggestions?

OliveOilsMom · September 2013

npgutierrez said:

Hi!

My name is Nancy and I will be getting married to the most amazing man October 4, 2014.

I come from a big Mexican family and as the big Mexican family they are they want a catholic ceremony. Great and all but my fiancé is not catholic. I do not want to force him to have a catholic mass because that isn't him. I want a happy medium. Any suggestions?

Do you practice your faith still? Are you interested in practicing your faith? As a Catholic, you must marry in the Church to stay in good standing. If you marry outside of the church, you will no longer be able to participate in Communion. It is possible for you to marry a non-Catholic in the Church and keep you in good standing. Your FI would vow to not interferre with you as you raise any future children Catholic.

However, if you are no longer practicing, you should not have a Catholic ceremony just to appeaze family. You should have a ceremony that reflects you and your FI only. It is the one part of the day that is completely about the two of you.

KatWAG · September 2013

There isnt really a happy medium. Either you have a Catholic ceremony or you dont. What does your Fi want? If you and fi are playing for the wedding yourselves, then do what you two want. If your parents are helping then they get a say.

aurorajanette · September 2013

It's nice that your family has this tradition, but it is not really their choice to make. This is your fiance's wedding too, so his beliefs and values need to be represented in the ceremony. I have been to ceremony's before where the couple has two religious affiliation (ie. Jewish and Protestant), and representatives from both faiths have conducted the ceremony. Talk to you FI and find out what it is exactly that he wants and work together to make your ceremony meaningful to both of you.

OliveOilsMom · September 2013

prettybirdy27 said:

I would talk to someone at your church. I could be entirely wrong about this, but I don't believe you can have a Catholic ceremony in a Catholic church if both people aren't Catholic? Like I said I could be wrong. Also there's a board for Catholic weddings that would probably be able to help you.

Good luck!

@prettybirdy27 It is not necessary for both parties to be Catholic, just one person in the couple.

itzMS · September 2013

prettybirdy27 said:

I would talk to someone at your church. I could be entirely wrong about this, but I don't believe you can have a Catholic ceremony in a Catholic church if both people aren't Catholic? Like I said I could be wrong. Also there's a board for Catholic weddings that would probably be able to help you.

Good luck!

Yep, you're wrong :-)

During our Catholic marriage prep, our Priest told us the story of his officiating the marriage of a Catholic and a Hindu. Only one party must be a Catholic...the other party is not required to convert.

OP, if you want to be a practicing Catholic and baptize your children Catholic, you must get married in the Church. Bottom line.

If your FI isn't understanding of this, he's not the right man for you.

melbelleup · September 2013

npgutierrez said:

Hi!

My name is Nancy and I will be getting married to the most amazing man October 4, 2014.

I come from a big Mexican family and as the big Mexican family they are they want a catholic ceremony. Great and all but my fiancé is not catholic. I do not want to force him to have a catholic mass because that isn't him. I want a happy medium. Any suggestions?

Have you talked to your FI? See what his opinion is. My FI isn't catholic, but understands that I have always dreamed of getting married in my church which is also the same church my parents got married in. I'm not making him become catholic. It's not required anymore in most of the catholic churches that you are both catholic. If he really feels weird about it, you can always have it some place else such as outside, a beach, a park, same place as reception etc.

ETA: but if you don't get married in a catholic church you cannot have your children baptized etc. unless you get your marriage approved through the priest.

itzMS · September 2013

aurorajanette said:

It's nice that your family has this tradition, but it is not really their choice to make. This is your fiance's wedding too, so his beliefs and values need to be represented in the ceremony. I have been to ceremony's before where the couple has two religious affiliation (ie. Jewish and Protestant), and representatives from both faiths have conducted the ceremony. Talk to you FI and find out what it is exactly that he wants and work together to make your ceremony meaningful to both of you.

Also not true, for Catholics. Sorry.

If you're not familar with Catholic weddings, don't make vague statements :-)

KeptInStitches · September 2013

You say that your family wants you to have a big Catholic ceremony. Is that what YOU want?

svc2014 · September 2013

itzMS said:

aurorajanette said:

It's nice that your family has this tradition, but it is not really their choice to make. This is your fiance's wedding too, so his beliefs and values need to be represented in the ceremony. I have been to ceremony's before where the couple has two religious affiliation (ie. Jewish and Protestant), and representatives from both faiths have conducted the ceremony. Talk to you FI and find out what it is exactly that he wants and work together to make your ceremony meaningful to both of you.

Also not true, for Catholics. Sorry.

If you're not familar with Catholic weddings, don't make vague statements :-)

My parents were married Catholic 30 years ago after my mother converted however they had the wedding performed by a Catholic Priest in a Presbyterian church (Remind mother was raised). Don't ask me how someone pulled the strings to let that happen haha

aurorajanette · September 2013

aurorajanette said:

It's nice that your family has this tradition, but it is not really their choice to make. This is your fiance's wedding too, so his beliefs and values need to be represented in the ceremony. I have been to ceremony's before where the couple has two religious affiliation (ie. Jewish and Protestant), and representatives from both faiths have conducted the ceremony. Talk to you FI and find out what it is exactly that he wants and work together to make your ceremony meaningful to both of you.

Also not true, for Catholics. Sorry.
If you're not familar with Catholic weddings, don't make vague statements :-)

***
Can't get out of the box!
My apologies. I have been many, many wedding where two different religions were represented, so I guess I just assumed that it would be okay. Did not mean to offend anyone or give faulty info here.
I still stand by my statement that FI should get a say in the ceremony though.

ashleyep · September 2013

If you're practicing and it's important to you, you might be able to have a ceremony without a full mass. It would be shorter. That's what my fiancé and I are doing.

aurorajanette the church is very strict about it's requirements. You can't have a ceremony outdoors, and I you can't write your own vows.

@itzMS I thought that both parties have to at least be babtised, and obviously one a confirmed Catholic. If not, you need special permission to marry.

itzMS · September 2013

ashleyep said:

If you're practicing and it's important to you, you might be able to have a ceremony without a full mass. It would be shorter. That's what my fiancé and I are doing.

aurorajanette the church is very strict about it's requirements. You can't have a ceremony outdoors, and I you can't write your own vows.

@itzMS I thought that both parties have to at least be babtised, and obviously one a confirmed Catholic. If not, you need special permission to marry.

Nope. Baptism is not a requirement...nor is being Christian, as proven by my earlier example.

Both spouses must attend all Pre-Cana, and agree to raise (and Baptize) any children Catholic, though. That might be where your confusion lies.

ashleyep · September 2013

itzMS said:

ashleyep said:

If you're practicing and it's important to you, you might be able to have a ceremony without a full mass. It would be shorter. That's what my fiancé and I are doing.

aurorajanette the church is very strict about it's requirements. You can't have a ceremony outdoors, and I you can't write your own vows.

@itzMS I thought that both parties have to at least be babtised, and obviously one a confirmed Catholic. If not, you need special permission to marry.

Nope. Baptism is not a requirement...nor is being Christian, as proven by my earlier example.
Both spouses must attend all Pre-Cana, and agree to raise (and Baptize) any children Catholic, though. That might be where your confusion lies.

No, I thought I read that online, that you had to get permission from the bishop, but that might just be a formality and something the priest could get for you. http://catholicism.about.com/od/catholicliving/f/FAQ_Marriage.htm (of course about.com is not the final word on Catholic wedding requirements)

Certainly they make exceptions, you're also supposed to wait 6 months, but I know my parent's got married in the church when she was pregnant

WildMagelet · September 2013

I have friends who consider themselves Catholic and whose families are practicing Catholics, but aren't actively practicing themselves. They are doing the Rites but not the mass. Is that an option for you?

itzMS · September 2013

A Catholic marrying another Catholic or a baptized Christian in the Catholic Church is considered a Sacramental marriage. A Catholic marrying a non-Christian or unbaptized person in the Catholic Church is still okay and is considered a valid, but not Sacramental marriage.

monkeysip · September 2013

@ ItzMS

It is possible to have another minister present at the Catholic ceremony, but he would not be considered a co-celebrant (only the priest)

It is also possible to get a dispensation to have the ceremony in another building (for example, if one spouse really wanted it in their non-catholic church).

OP, the best thing to do is to talk to each other about what role religion will play in your lives in marriage, and then talk to a priest about your options. He will be able to give you the best advice about what is possible in your circumstance.

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

OP for internet safety you should change your user name. Since you put your first name we now now your first name, middle initial, and last name.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

For the record (and for right or wrong) when H and I looked into getting married in a Catholic Church I was told by them that I would have to be baptized (H is Catholic, I'm Methodist). Doesn't sound like that's the case everywhere though.

OP I'd encourage you to talk to your FI and come up with something that YOU TWO both want. Your family members aren't the ones getting married - if they were they could choose whatever ceremony suited them.

monkeysip · September 2013

If a Catholic wants to marry a non-Baptized person (As in, not baptized in any denomination at all), then they need a dispensation from the Bishop. In every case I've ever heard of, the priest did all the paperwork for this, and it was easily obtained. I've never heard a case where a couple was flat out refused because one wasn't baptized (At least not in the last few decades--this may have happened a LONG time ago).

MobKaz · September 2013

For a Catholic to continue to be in good standing and to receive the Sacraments, he/she must marry in the Catholic church. It is a personal choice as to whether the ceremony is a full nuptial Mass or the Rites of Marriage. Both ceremonies are valid in the eyes of the church.

The partner can be of another faith but must be a baptized Christian. There are options for marrying a non-Christian partner and those options may vary from parish to parish or diocese to diocese. Most parishes require you to be a member in good standing as a prerequisite to marry in their parish.

If the Catholic partner chooses to marry outside of the church, his marriage is not valid in the eyes of the church. He/she is prohibited from receiving Sacraments.

If you marry in the Catholic church, the Catholic member agrees to raise children in the Catholic faith. The non Catholic member only needs to agree that they will not impede that process. The non Catholic partner does not need to convert to Catholicism.

Making sweeping statements about what the church does or does not allow serves no purpose. The first thing you need to do, OP, is come to a consensus with your FI. Then you need to present a united front to your families. I understand the problems that may arise with this situation. You and your FI must be true to yourselves and the new family you are forming. To marry in a faith that you and FI may never practice would be disrespectful to your families as well as the church. Finally, if you make the choice to marry in the Catholic church, speak directly to the Pastor of that parish. That is where you will get the best answers for YOUR situation.

Jen4948 · September 2013

If a Catholic wedding is what you want, you and your FI need to talk about this, because the Catholic church has very strict requirements and won't recognize any marriage as valid in the Catholic church if their requirements aren't met. They won't compromise.

So I think you and your FI need to work out what is important to the two of you, and perhaps you need to compromise on other details if you insist on a Catholic ceremony. But whatever you do, don't insist on a Catholic ceremony to please your family if it's not what you want, because that's not fair to you, your FI, or the church.

Belle2188 · September 2013

I'm Catholic (not really practicing, though), and FI isn't (he isn't anything). It was important to me to be married in a church so that my marriage would be recognized, and FI didn't care. The compromise is that we're getting married in a church, but we're not having a mass--just a service. That's always an option for you if your FI would be into it. There's some paperwork the priest has to submit for me to get "permission" to marry a non-Catholic, but they pretty much told me it's a joke and it's nothing to worry about.

Also, for whoever said your children can't be baptized if you aren't married in a church, that's not true either. My parents were married in a catering hall and I was baptized and made all of my sacraments.

monkeysip · September 2013

The parents not being validly married does not automatically disallow the child from being baptized. HOWEVER, the priest might refuse baptism if he has reason to believe that the parents will not raise the child Catholic. When you baptize your child, you are making a promise to take them to mass regularly and teach them the teachings of the Church. It does make it more difficult to do that when you cannot participate in the sacraments of the church yourself. I'm not saying it's impossible--just more difficult.

MobKaz · September 2013

Jen4948 said:

If a Catholic wedding is what you want, you and your FI need to talk about this, because the Catholic church has very strict requirements and won't recognize any marriage as valid in the Catholic church if their requirements aren't met. They won't compromise.

So I think you and your FI need to work out what is important to the two of you, and perhaps you need to compromise on other details if you insist on a Catholic ceremony. But whatever you do, don't insist on a Catholic ceremony to please your family if it's not what you want, because that's not fair to you, your FI, or the church.

The requirements of the Catholic church are not strict if you are a member of good standing in the church. Saying that "they won't compromise" is one of the sweeping generalizations that serves no purpose and is actually not accurate.

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