Listing parents on an invitation w/ divorce, remarriage and death

Kkasper · September 2013

I'm beginning to work on our invitations and wording is proving difficult. My fiance's side is easy...mine, not so much. My parents divorced when I was young, my mother remarried and I pretty much grew up with 2 dads. My father and I were extremely close and he passed away unexpectedly quite recently. I want both men listed on the invitation as parents, but I'm not sure how to go about it. Any suggestions?

NYCMercedes · September 2013

Kkasper said:

I'm beginning to work on our invitations and wording is proving difficult. My fiance's side is easy...mine, not so much. My parents divorced when I was young, my mother remarried and I pretty much grew up with 2 dads. My father and I were extremely close and he passed away unexpectedly quite recently. I want both men listed on the invitation as parents, but I'm not sure how to go about it. Any suggestions?

I am sorry for your loss. Wedding invitations give the particulars of the event: hosts, those being wed, time, date, and place. The invitation is not for explaining relationships. The program is for that. Please see TK link...http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/qa/deceased-parents-invitation-wording.aspx

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

I am so sorry for your loss. Typically parents are only listed on the invitations if they are hosts, and I'm very sorry to tell you this, but dead men do not host weddings.

In your case, "Together with their families" might be better wording (and @NYCMercedes is correct; the programme is the best place to describe relationships). However, if you really want to do names, your option is:

Mr. and Mrs. Bob Jones

request the honour of your presence/pleasure of your company*

at the marriage of her daughter,

Sally Mae

to

John Smith

son of Mr. and Mrs. Joe Smith

on time/date/place

*honour of your presence is if the wedding is in a church building; pleasure of your company is if it's not

I really recommend doing the "together with their families" wording, and then listing your father and stepfather in the programme.

Kkasper · September 2013

While I understand this in some cases, I completely agree with the comments on the page you linked for me. In our case, my fiance and I are the ones hosting and I would like all 3 parents on my side listed on my invitation, even if it's just his name. I don't want to sound rude, but the women who commented over there are absolutely correct. Not including a parent because they are deceased would be inappropriate and insensitive.

banana468 · September 2013

Not including a parent because he is no longer living makes sense. Please accept my sympathies for your loss but your dad does not belong on the invitation.

The purpose of the invitation is to indicate who is hosting and who is getting married along with the particulars of the ceremony and the reception. The best place to honor your father is in the program.

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

You realise that listing your deceased father on the invitation is going to kind of creep people out, right? And cast a pallor on the whole thing? OK, just so you know

If you're insistent on doing this, knowing that it's against etiquette, I STILL recommend the "Together with their families..." wording.

Together with their families,

Sally Mae Johnson

Daughter of

Mr. and Mrs. Bob Jones

and

The late Mr. Jeff Johnson

and

John Smith

Son of Mr. and Mrs. Joe Smith

request the honour of your presence/pleasure of your company, blah blah blah.

So now your invitation reads like a genealogy column, an obituary AND a wedding invitation, all at the same time. But it's what you want, so there you go.

MDbride1012 · September 2013

If your FI and yourself are hosting I would just leave it at "together with their families" if you want to mention parents at all on your invites. You could go into greater detail about your relationships with each person in your program.

Kkasper · September 2013

I think that wedding "etiquette" is a funny thing to start with since a wedding should be about the people getting married and not what tradition or popular opinion dictates is proper for any part of the event. That being said, I don't really plan on having formal programs, if we do programs at all. It's a lot of paper being used that 99% is going to get thrown away at the end of the thing anyway.

I appreciate your opinions and advice regardless of what I decide is right for us.

libby2483 · September 2013

Kkasper said:

I think that wedding "etiquette" is a funny thing to start with since a wedding should be about the people getting married and not what tradition or popular opinion dictates is proper for any part of the event. That being said, I don't really plan on having formal programs, if we do programs at all. It's a lot of paper being used that 99% is going to get thrown away at the end of the thing anyway.

I appreciate your opinions and advice regardless of what I decide is right for us.

See, the thing is, though, as soon as you invite guests to your wedding, it's not just about you. I'm sorry for your loss, but it simply isn't appropriate to list a deceased relative on an invitation. A dead person can't host a wedding, so in addition to being inappropriate, it just doesn't make any sense. I don't have the energy to rehash this, though, so that's my two cents.

banana468 · September 2013

Kkasper said:
I think that wedding "etiquette" is a funny thing to start with since a wedding should be about the people getting married and not what tradition or popular opinion dictates is proper for any part of the event. That being said, I don't really plan on having formal programs, if we do programs at all. It's a lot of paper being used that 99% is going to get thrown away at the end of the thing anyway.

I appreciate your opinions and advice regardless of what I decide is right for us.

Your thoughts are certainly valid. However etiquette is a set of rules for proper behavior in society. It is not tradition or popular opinion at all.

Furthermore, once guests factor into the equation, it ceases being about just you and the groom to be. This is probably the largest and most formal event you have planned to date. Why would you do the wrong thing for such a special event?

If you don't do programs, consider a photo display table at the reception. Please ONLY put people on the invitation who are hosting or getting married.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

Kkasper said:

I think that wedding "etiquette" is a funny thing to start with since a wedding should be about the people getting married and not what tradition or popular opinion dictates is proper for any part of the event. That being said, I don't really plan on having formal programs, if we do programs at all. It's a lot of paper being used that 99% is going to get thrown away at the end of the thing anyway.

I appreciate your opinions and advice regardless of what I decide is right for us.

OP I'm really sorry to hear about your dad, especially since you were close and it was unexpected. H and I both had people we wanted to honor who couldn't be there so we had a little candle on the registration table with a small sign in a frame that said "this candle burns for those who cannot be with us on this special day." It was subtle but it was there for the duration of our ceremony and then we brought it with us to the reception and put it on the guest book table there.

I think the reason you're having trouble finding the wording you want is because the only people who go on the invitation are the hosts. I would either list just yourselves or use "Together with their families". Most people open an invitation, write the date on their calendar and then throw it away so I think you'll find a better place honoring your father doing something like the candle we did or putting a note in the program.

photokitty · September 2013

Kkasper said:

I think that wedding "etiquette" is a funny thing to start with since a wedding should be about the people getting married and not what tradition or popular opinion dictates is proper for any part of the event. That being said, I don't really plan on having formal programs, if we do programs at all. It's a lot of paper being used that 99% is going to get thrown away at the end of the thing anyway.

I appreciate your opinions and advice regardless of what I decide is right for us.

As you have probably already read - I agree with you completely. IMHO - Just because you don't follow traditional etiquette it does always not mean you are being rude to your guests or not hosting them properly - especially when it comes to something this personal! It may be merely a few words on the invite to anyone else, but to you it is very important.

I would not be creepy out by seeing your fathers name and as an honored guest I would be supportive of you and your decision.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and know that many folks who receive your invite will not find it offensive/ creepy/ rude/ etc if you choose to list him on the invite.

GL! :-)

banana468 · September 2013

photokitty said:

Kkasper said:

I think that wedding "etiquette" is a funny thing to start with since a wedding should be about the people getting married and not what tradition or popular opinion dictates is proper for any part of the event. That being said, I don't really plan on having formal programs, if we do programs at all. It's a lot of paper being used that 99% is going to get thrown away at the end of the thing anyway.

I appreciate your opinions and advice regardless of what I decide is right for us.

As you have probably already read - I agree with you completely. IMHO - Just because you don't follow traditional etiquette it does always not mean you are being rude to your guests or not hosting them properly - especially when it comes to something this personal! It may be merely a few words on the invite to anyone else, but to you it is very important.

I would not be creepy out by seeing your fathers name and as an honored guest I would be supportive of you and your decision.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and know that many folks who receive your invite will not find it offensive/ creepy/ rude/ etc if you choose to list him on the invite.

GL! :-)

Here's the thing @ photokitty: you can certainly feel the way you do because those are your feelings. However ACTING based on those feelings is the issue.

Furthermore, stating that you and others may not be offended is hardly the criteria for decision making. The problem with that group think mentality is that it breeds on itself and ultimately people cease reasoning for themselves. Secondly, for each person you find that is OK with that etiquette breach I may find who finds that breach to be repugnant.

Etiquette exists for a reason. If you choose to ignore it, prepare yourself for others to be upset that you did the wrong thing.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

photokitty said:

Kkasper said: I think that wedding "etiquette" is a funny thing to start with since a wedding should be about the people getting married and not what tradition or popular opinion dictates is proper for any part of the event. That being said, I don't really plan on having formal programs, if we do programs at all. It's a lot of paper being used that 99% is going to get thrown away at the end of the thing anyway.

I appreciate your opinions and advice regardless of what I decide is right for us.

As you have probably already read - I agree with you completely. IMHO - Just because you don't follow traditional etiquette it does always not mean you are being rude to your guests or not hosting them properly - especially when it comes to something this personal! It may be merely a few words on the invite to anyone else, but to you it is very important.I would not be creepy out by seeing your fathers name and as an honored guest I would be supportive of you and your decision. I'm very sorry for your loss, and know that many folks who receive your invite will not find it offensive/ creepy/ rude/ etc if you choose to list him on the invite.GL! :-)

___________________________________________________
Please stop giving inappropriate advice! People come to this board for good advice on what's appropriate for invitation wording. Most people have never sent wedding invitations before so they're trying to figure out what to do. This makes it really hard for people to figure out what's appropriate and what's not.

It's never appropriate to use a wedding invitation as a memorial. The invitation isn't for honoring guests - you don't list all your VIPs on an invitation. That's what a program is for. An invitation is for people to know who is hosting and who is getting married. It's simple. The reason she's having a hard time with it is because it's not an appropriate thing to do so of course there aren't wording suggestions for it!

ETA: quote boxes

photokitty · September 2013

banana468 said:

Kkasper said:

I think that wedding "etiquette" is a funny thing to start with since a wedding should be about the people getting married and not what tradition or popular opinion dictates is proper for any part of the event. That being said, I don't really plan on having formal programs, if we do programs at all. It's a lot of paper being used that 99% is going to get thrown away at the end of the thing anyway.

I appreciate your opinions and advice regardless of what I decide is right for us.

As you have probably already read - I agree with you completely. IMHO - Just because you don't follow traditional etiquette it does always not mean you are being rude to your guests or not hosting them properly - especially when it comes to something this personal! It may be merely a few words on the invite to anyone else, but to you it is very important.
I would not be creepy out by seeing your fathers name and as an honored guest I would be supportive of you and your decision.
I'm very sorry for your loss, and know that many folks who receive your invite will not find it offensive/ creepy/ rude/ etc if you choose to list him on the invite.
GL! :-)
Here's the thing @ photokitty: you can certainly feel the way you do because those are your feelings. However ACTING based on those feelings is the issue. Furthermore, stating that you and others may not be offended is hardly the criteria for decision making. The problem with that group think mentality is that it breeds on itself and ultimately people cease reasoning for themselves. Secondly, for each person you find that is OK with that etiquette breach I may find who finds that breach to be repugnant. Etiquette exists for a reason. If you choose to ignore it, prepare yourself for others to be upset that you did the wrong thing.

I would bet my life you did something at your wedding that upset at least one of your guests. I'm sure I did as well, I can live with that. You can't please everyone all the time.

I find the bold to be the rather ironic and quite humorous given the group think mentality that is used around here. But hey - we disagree and I can live with that too. You are not going to change my mind on this topic so hopefully you can live with that.

Kkasper said:

While I understand this in some cases, I completely agree with the comments on the page you linked for me. In our case, my fiance and I are the ones hosting and I would like all 3 parents on my side listed on my invitation, even if it's just his name. I don't want to sound rude, but the women who commented over there are absolutely correct. Not including a parent because they are deceased would be inappropriate and insensitive.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I agree with her opinion. I also agree that I think you are being rude about getting your point across. You stated your opinion and backed it up. Trust that people can read and make an informed decision, whether it is to follow etiquette or not. This is forum, not a court of law and you don't have the final say on what someone else chooses to do on her wedding invites. She clearly wants to do it her way, stop trying to save everyone from themselves.

Happy Friday!

photokitty · September 2013

southernbelle0915 said:
_____________________________________________

Please stop giving inappropriate advice! People come to this board for good advice on what's appropriate for invitation wording. Most people have never sent wedding invitations before so they're trying to figure out what to do. This makes it really hard for people to figure out what's appropriate and what's not.

It's never appropriate to use a wedding invitation as a memorial. The invitation isn't for honoring guests - you don't list all your VIPs on an invitation. That's what a program is for. An invitation is for people to know who is hosting and who is getting married. It's simple. The reason she's having a hard time with it is because it's not an appropriate thing to do so of course there aren't wording suggestions for it!

ETA: quote boxes

People can read. People can also make their own decisions. She has clearly stated she wants to include it. I never said it was proper etiquette and anyone coming here looking for information can see that. Everyone on the internet isn't an idiot and they certainly aren't going to skip over a bunch of posts telling the OP how rude she is and just happen to see mine saying I support your difficult decision and wouldn't judge you. It's a forum and I can give whatever advice I want.

So what if it's not appropriate? If she wants it then so be it. If you get the invite and find her impolite - DECLINE.

eta typo

itzMS · September 2013

My father is deceased, so I feel like I can speak from experience here.

We did not include him by name on the invitation, as it is not the proper thing to do. Many guests use the invitation to learn the hosts' names and introduce themselves.

If you list your dad by name as a host, someone from your FI's side (or anyone) who may not know the intimate details of your family situation may go up to your mom and say "What a fantastic party, KKasper's mom! I'd love to express my thanks to KKasper's dad, too. Could you point me in his direction?" AWKWARD.

Please be considerate of your guests.

banana468 · September 2013

photokitty said:

southernbelle0915 said:
_____________________________________________

Please stop giving inappropriate advice! People come to this board for good advice on what's appropriate for invitation wording. Most people have never sent wedding invitations before so they're trying to figure out what to do. This makes it really hard for people to figure out what's appropriate and what's not.

It's never appropriate to use a wedding invitation as a memorial. The invitation isn't for honoring guests - you don't list all your VIPs on an invitation. That's what a program is for. An invitation is for people to know who is hosting and who is getting married. It's simple. The reason she's having a hard time with it is because it's not an appropriate thing to do so of course there aren't wording suggestions for it!

ETA: quote boxes

People can read. People can also make their own decisions. She has clearly stated she wants to include it. I never said it was proper etiquette and anyone coming here looking for information can see that. Everyone on the internet isn't an idiot and they certainly aren't going to skip over a bunch of posts telling the OP how rude she is and just happen to see mine saying I support your difficult decision and wouldn't judge you. It's a forum and I can give whatever advice I want.

So what if it's not appropriate? If she wants it then so be it. If you get the invite and find her impolite - DECLINE.

eta typo

I can decline?! For real? Well now that you said that I agree that the OP can do whatever she wants.

Sometimes that's not an option. Family/work/friend pressure can force you into having to attend even if you would have preferred to stay home in sweats. Just ask other Knotties about the things that they had to go through. I think @ MuppetOverlord found herself in that exact situation earlier this summer.

How about not doing the offensive thing in the first place? Then people aren't faced with a put up or shut up-type decision.

Finally, I'll let you know when my wedding is up for discussion. Until then, don't bet your life on things unless you're certain that check won't be cashed.

photokitty · September 2013

banana468 said:
Finally, I'll let you know when my wedding is up for discussion. Until then, don't bet your life on things unless you're certain that check won't be cashed.

The way you treat total strangers ... yeah, I'm comfortable writing that check.

If you don't care enough about the bride to be sensitive to her feelings about/need to include her deceased father than you should stay home in your sweats. I'm sure the bride & groom would rather you not be there if they knew your true feelings on the matter.

Jen4948 · September 2013

The purpose of any invitation, even a wedding invitation, is to invite a guest to attend an event and indicate the logistics of the event. It is not to "honor" anyone other than the guest; nor is it to map out the family tree, indicate who's paying, or otherwise stroke the egos of the couple or any family members.

So, the only names that should be listed are those of the hosts (which can't include deceased people) and the honorees. While it is acceptable to list the other parents, too many names on an invitation can make it too busy. This is why in complicated family situations, we often recommend using "together with their parents" or "together with their families" with just the couple's names-it's easier for the guests.

Also, yes, the names of deceased persons listed can evoke grief and add a note of the macabre to a wedding invitation-even with the best of intentions. There are many very beautiful and appropriate ways to honor the memories of deceased loved ones-but listing them on the invitation is not among them.

banana468 · September 2013

photokitty said:
banana468 said:
Finally, I'll let you know when my wedding is up for discussion. Until then, don't bet your life on things unless you're certain that check won't be cashed.

The way you treat total strangers ... yeah, I'm comfortable writing that check.

If you don't care enough about the bride to be sensitive to her feelings about/need to include her deceased father than you should stay home in your sweats. I'm sure the bride & groom would rather you not be there if they knew your true feelings on the matter.

Because I didn't tell the OP that it's OK to break social rules, *I* am insensitive?! I gave advice on an appropriate way she could include her departed father. It may not have been the thing the OP wanted to do but it's what she could do while still being appropriate.

That YOU @photokitty chose to take that and then insult me is incredibly out of line and THAT is offensive.

photokitty · September 2013

banana468 said:

banana468 said:
Finally, I'll let you know when my wedding is up for discussion. Until then, don't bet your life on things unless you're certain that check won't be cashed.

The way you treat total strangers ... yeah, I'm comfortable writing that check.

If you don't care enough about the bride to be sensitive to her feelings about/need to include her deceased father than you should stay home in your sweats. I'm sure the bride & groom would rather you not be there if they knew your true feelings on the matter.
Because I didn't tell the OP that it's OK to break social rules, *I* am insensitive?! I gave advice on an appropriate way she could include her departed father. It may not have been the thing the OP wanted to do but it's what she could do while still being appropriate. That YOU @photokitty chose to take that and then insult me is incredibly out of line and THAT is offensive.

How else should I have taken it??? I feel you have been incredibly rude to me and gone out of your way to call me out. I am a total stranger to you and feel you have insulted me and I think you are out of line. I guess we are even.

You have made your point that etiquette says it is improper. I don't care and I disagree with etiquette on this matter - get over it. Feel free to ignore me, but if you call me out I have every right to respond. I never quote you or name you unless you have specifically called me out.

banana468 · September 2013

@photokitty, I stated that you have advised others that you think it's fine go against etiquette and do what is incorrect.

In turn, you attacked my character.

YOUR posts to me were a direct violation of TK's rules.

Maybe @KnotPorscha needs to explain it.

[Deleted User] · September 2013

Hey everyone! We're all here to share opinions, but these posts are starting to become personal attacks. Please keep in mind that the OP posted this thread for a reason. I will issue warnings if needed.

photokitty · September 2013

I did not intend to attack your character. I apologize if you felt this way, I do not find you to be of ill character. I was attacking your words towards me. In my eyes these are very different things.

In the first instance I was pointing out that nobody can please ever body all the time. You might have served beef at your wedding and offended someone or perhaps someone hated your wedding colors bc they were their rival high school team colors.

You can't expect to pass judgement on others and their opinions without expecting some in return.

In the second instance, I was pointing out that (and perhapsI should have in a more complete way) that I feel you are being rude to me, a total stranger. It is a forum, a place for people to share their opinions. If it was not a place for different or even incorrect opinions it would be a Q&A site run by the TK or Emily Post.

If I need to be informed of the TOS I will gladly take any advice or admonishment given by her or other TK mods.

Overall TK forum is not a welcoming or polite place for new people or people who feel there is room to break etiquette with proper thought and research.

Jen4948 · September 2013

photokitty said:

I did not intend to attack your character. I apologize if you felt this way, I do not find you to be of ill character. I was attacking your words towards me. In my eyes these are very different things.
In the first instance I was pointing out that nobody can please ever body all the time. You might have served beef at your wedding and offended someone or perhaps someone hated your wedding colors bc they were their rival high school team colors.
You can't expect to pass judgement on others and their opinions without expecting some in return.
In the second instance, I was pointing out that (and perhapsI should have in a more complete way) that I feel you are being rude to me, a total stranger. It is a forum, a place for people to share their opinions. If it was not a place for different or even incorrect opinions it would be a Q&A site run by the TK or Emily Post.
If I need to be informed of the TOS I will gladly take any advice or admonishment given by her or other TK mods.
Overall TK forum is not a welcoming or polite place for new people or people who feel there is room to break etiquette with proper thought and research.

@KnotPorscha just offered some. You didn't take it.

I think everyone in the forum would like to see you stop bringing up how you don't care about etiquette and think it should be thrown aside when it doesn't suit your or someone's personal feelings or needs.

Thing is, etiquette doesn't work that way. It is there for everyone to follow. Sometimes it requires that everyone put their own feelings on the shelf because emotional displays or whatever will hurt other people's feelings. It requires taking the feelings of others into account, not shouting "This is MY day, I'll do what I want" or advising "It's YOUR day, do what YOU want." Brides and grooms do not get ownership of their wedding days-they still need to take the needs and feelings of everyone else into account and even prioritize them over their own needs and feelings at times.

photokitty · September 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

photokitty said:

I did not intend to attack your character. I apologize if you felt this way, I do not find you to be of ill character. I was attacking your words towards me. In my eyes these are very different things.
In the first instance I was pointing out that nobody can please ever body all the time. You might have served beef at your wedding and offended someone or perhaps someone hated your wedding colors bc they were their rival high school team colors.
You can't expect to pass judgement on others and their opinions without expecting some in return.
In the second instance, I was pointing out that (and perhapsI should have in a more complete way) that I feel you are being rude to me, a total stranger. It is a forum, a place for people to share their opinions. If it was not a place for different or even incorrect opinions it would be a Q&A site run by the TK or Emily Post.
If I need to be informed of the TOS I will gladly take any advice or admonishment given by her or other TK mods.
Overall TK forum is not a welcoming or polite place for new people or people who feel there is room to break etiquette with proper thought and research.

There is no proper thought and research that makes breaking etiquette acceptable, breaking etiquette is breaking etiquette.

I could sight examples in previous threads - one comes to mind about a SO who is on the sex offender registry - when people have agreed it was ok to break etiquette and not invite the SO. The world is not black and white.

Have a great Friday everyone

hyechica81 · September 2013

its your disicion what you want to do on your wording of the invites. i lost 3 of my grandparents and i plan on having a table with there wedding pictures on it as well as my parents wedding pictures on them and my fi parents wedding pictures. my fi father passed away years ago and we feel it would be nice to honour all of our deceased family members that way. we are also doing an anniversary dance and the dj will be playing one of my late grandmas favorite love songs

Ajuliana · September 2013

banana468 said:
Not including a parent because he is no longer living makes sense. Please accept my sympathies for your loss but your dad does not belong on the invitation.

The purpose of the invitation is to indicate who is hosting and who is getting married along with the particulars of the ceremony and the reception. The best place to honor your father is in the program.

It is a hard thing to accept. FIs father passed last month, 10 months before our wedding. He had already given us significant financial contributions to the wedding. Including rebuilding a classic car as a wedding gift. I am only just coming around to perhaps not listing him, as we have other ways to honor him in our case. Namely doing wax seals of the family crest for our envelopes.

In our case his parents are divorced, so we may use the Mr. & Mrs. Ajuliana...marriage of their daughter to "John Jacov Jingleheimer". And skip his mother and stepfather, otherwise it leaves a glaring hole.

My point is it may take OP and others some time to process that it's not wrong to feel like they (we) do, but in the end there are so many other wonderful, proper, respectful ways to honor those no longer able to attend. But as we all know around here, a girl's gonna do what a girl's gonna do.

banana468 · September 2013

It's perfectly normal to want to include them in some way.

And I think there have been several perfectly appropriate suggestions as to how they can go about doing that.

Listing parents on an invitation w/ divorce, remarriage and death

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