Wedding Etiquette Forum
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How to talk sister out of potluck

Long-time lurker, first time poster here.

My little sister recently got engaged, and is currently really focused on saving money for a house with her FI after their wedding. She decided that in order to do this, she was going to have a courthouse ceremony early next summer, followed by a big reception in my mom's backyard. All of this is fine and dandy, but in wedding discussions with her in the past few days, she brought up that "it will just be like a big party where everyone brings a dish". Now I know how incredibly rude this is to the guests, as does my mother, but my sister is extremely stubborn about this idea and is not listening to her arguments. We've tried the "your guests shouldn't be expected to bring anything" line and my mom offered to pay for catering and make some items herself, such as salads, stuffed shells, etc. She also offered to pay for the cake or cupcakes... whatever she wants. Little sister is not listening to a word of it, and turned down the offer of money from my mother.

Any suggestions for how to talk her out of this, or do you think it's a lost cause?

Re: How to talk sister out of potluck

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    Honestly, your sister is an adult, and if she and her fiance are determined to be rude, then they will just have to suffer the natural consequences of their rudeness: very few attendees and even fewer gifts. Don't indulge her rudeness by bringing a dish, and don't talk about her behind her back. If she asks what dish you are bringing, tell her you aren't, and change the subject.
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    I also think your mother should tell her she won't allow her to be rude to guests in her home and that if she insists on it she needs to find another reception location. I would be embarrassed to have such an event in my home, I feel like it would look bad on me as well.
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    Ditto the PPs, you can't force your sister to see that this is a horribly rude idea but your mom should refuse the use of her backyard.  If the event is at her home it will reflect poorly on her, not just your sister, I would not be willing to 'host' a potluck reception.
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    You could try the food poisoning angle, where food left out too long (over 2 hours) will start growing bacteria fast, which could be pretty bad for her guests.  But honestly, if she's not interested in listening, she won't.  Good luck to your Mom with her upcoming talk

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    firekite said:
    Thanks everyone. TBH, I don't think my mom even though of refusing to host. When I called her to talk about this idea the plot thickened, and I found out that my sister didn't even ask my mom to have the wedding at her house. She just called her and told her that she was having it there and that my mom would probably need to think about getting a professional landscaper to fix up the yard before the party. I love my sister, but I'll never know where she got this rudeness and sense of entitlement.

    Apparently my mom has been convinced to invite her over for a little come-to-Jesus meeting, where she's going to put her foot down about these things.

    ETA: typo
    Wow. Good for your mom. Sounds like you and your sister were raised in completely different households.
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    You've already presented her with the best way to dissuade her.  She is not going to listen to reason.  The best bet is your mom's come to Jesus talk with her.  If mom tells your sister that there is no way she can have the reception in her backyard, at least your mom won't look bad if your sister finds somewhere else to have her potluck.
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    firekite said:
    Thanks everyone. TBH, I don't think my mom even though of refusing to host. When I called her to talk about this idea the plot thickened, and I found out that my sister didn't even ask my mom to have the wedding at her house. She just called her and told her that she was having it there and that my mom would probably need to think about getting a professional landscaper to fix up the yard before the party. I love my sister, but I'll never know where she got this rudeness and sense of entitlement.

    Apparently my mom has been convinced to invite her over for a little come-to-Jesus meeting, where she's going to put her foot down about these things.

    ETA: typo
    And the plot thickens...

    I hope you come back after this meeting takes place to let us know how it went!!
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    I definitely want an update on this.

    I agree that your mom should let your sister know that "It's my home, my rules."

    Hopefully the talk works!
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    OP:  Keep us posted!
    photo composite_14153800476219.jpg
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    Buy her a hosting-an-etiquette-correct wedding book as a present?
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    Please update us about the come-to-Jesus meeting!
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    Her meeting is scheduled for late next week, so I'll let you all know the results. Thanks for the support!
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