Suggestions please: Preference for no gifts-- cash gift preferred wedding--how to handle

EverAfer · September 2013

Hi ladies, please offer some advice.

FH and I came from 2 independent households before I moved into his tinier apt. We're paying for our own wedding, then saving money for a house in a few years. We don't need anymore "stuff"--we both gave up some of our own stuff when I moved in. Our preference is for people to give cash so that a) we don't have to store stuff since the current apt we're in have no space and b) we're already paying for our wedding ourselves.

How do I let people know what our preference is without offending people? I know some people feel like it's against etiquette to ask for cash--but we just don't need things, esp when we know we're going to eventually have our own home in a few years.

How would you feel as a guest? How would you handle as a bride?
Any feedback welcomed!

Maggie0829 · September 2013

You can either not register at all. Or you could make up a very small registry with some upgrades that you may want and then when people ask you where you are registered or what you would like as a gift you can say "Oh we are registered at X store but we are also saving up for a home." People will get that you want cash.

Just remember that if you do not register then you forgo any showers.

KeptInStitches · September 2013

The best way to make that preference known is to make a very small registry (some people will always want to buy boxed gifts) and then put it around that you're saving money for a down payment on a house.

WinstonsGirl · September 2013

Ditto the 2 above. A small registry and word of mouth is the best way. If someone told me they just wanted cash, I'd be pretty offended and deliberately get them a boxed gift. If they said they had the registry and were also saving up for something, I'd feel much better about giving them cash since they weren't "demanding" it from me

phira · September 2013

Previous posters have it right.

Small/no registry (and it's great to register for upgrades--we're excited to register for matching flatware), and word of mouth that you're saving for something, like a house downpayment.

Avoid saying to people, "We're not registering for gifts because we want cash instead."

Basically, "We want people to give us cash," even if it's TRUE, is rude.

misssunshine17 · September 2013

If you don't want stuff, don't have a shower since it is a boxed gift only event. No gift card showers or anything like that... super tacky.

Don't register or juts have a small one with upgrades. I think many people are getting that people want cash.

EverAfer · September 2013

Thanks for the suggestions ladies.

My wedding will be multicultural, with two ceremonies and one reception 200+ guests (we're paying for all of it--including all of our bridesmaids and groomsmen attire--the goal is that they won't have to pay for anything other than the bachelor and bachelorette events--I've been a bridesmaid enough time to know how high that cost is).

I won't be having a shower. It will be an Indian style Mehendi instead--another event I will pay for to have a henna artist come and do henna tattoos on all the ladies, and of course provide food, drinks, etc... so the only time we expect gifts is for the wedding. I don't want to be tacky and offend people, but FH and I do prefer the extra cash instead of boxed gifts. Plus it might be more than a year or two before we get out of this small apt and actually move somewhere with more space for stuff.

So conflicted!!!!!!

EverAfer · September 2013

Btw, what's the rules with showers? I always thought I had to bring a gift for the shower and a gift for the wedding...

WinstonsGirl · September 2013

The point of a shower is to "shower" the bride with gifts. Many people will give a gift at the shower and cash for the wedding. I usually give gifts for both.

Blue_Bird · September 2013

simplysrey said:

Btw, what's the rules with showers? I always thought I had to bring a gift for the shower and a gift for the wedding...

You're obligated to give a gift if you attend a shower but not for a wedding. It's great that you're paying for your bridal party's attire. I think more couples should do this since the outfit is essentially for them.

phira · September 2013

I'm poor, so when I'm invited to a shower, I'll bring a gift and that's my gift for the wedding as well. Traditional etiquette/expectation is that you bring a boxed gift to the shower, and then give a card with a check at the wedding. But with this economy, most younger people have been doing one gift and that's it.

Simply Fated · September 2013

Look at it this way.. some people just like to give boxed gifts. Telling those people you prefer cash isn't going to make them change their minds because everyone knows that everyone wants or needs cash. If they had wanted to get you cash, they would be planning on doing that already.

I think it's okay to spread it around through word of mouth...
Guest: Where are they registered?
Mom/Sister/Whoever: They decided not to register, but I hear they're saving up for X.

Keep in mind that if you don't register for anything, people have to guess. They might guess very, very wrong.

The point of showers is to shower the bride with gifts she can use with her future husband. That's why we here at TK E-board frown on cash/gift card showers.
It's just super awful to open up cards in front of your guests with cash and cards falling out of them, ya know?

Xstatic3333 · September 2013

Trust me, if you have a small registry you'll get plenty of cash. Heck, we got way more cash even though we wanted stuff from our registry! However, if you explicitly ask for cash you will offend people. Some won't give you a gift at all, and others may give less because you rubbed them the wrong way. Trust me.

freebread03 · September 2013

phira said:

I'm poor, so when I'm invited to a shower, I'll bring a gift and that's my gift for the wedding as well. Traditional etiquette/expectation is that you bring a boxed gift to the shower, and then give a card with a check at the wedding. But with this economy, most younger people have been doing one gift and that's it.

Where the heck did you come up with this? This is very poor advice so I hope nobody reads this and thinks its correct etiquette. Gifts are never an expectation except at a shower, since a shower is explicitly a gift giving event (ie shower the bride with gifts). In many parts of the country (particularly the NY corridor) cash is customary, while in the south, boxed gifts are often customary. My parents live in Arizona and would never give a cash gift-it's just what they do. That isn't against etiquette.

BMoreBride6 · September 2013

I'm confused why people think the fact that you are paying for YOU OWN wedding changes etiquette...

phira · September 2013

Sorry, I should explain more:

When my brother was getting married, I asked my mom if I was expected to bring a gift to the shower AND to the wedding. She said that a lot of people do bring a physical gift to the shower, and then a card with cash to the wedding. I told her, "Well, I'm buying them a frickin stand mixer, so they are getting ONE GIFT from me."

So that's where I got that expectation, but I am NOT advising anyone to expect it or follow that. Just wanted to be clear.

Viczaesar · September 2013

phira said:

Sorry, I should explain more:

When my brother was getting married, I asked my mom if I was expected to bring a gift to the shower AND to the wedding. She said that a lot of people do bring a physical gift to the shower, and then a card with cash to the wedding. I told her, "Well, I'm buying them a frickin stand mixer, so they are getting ONE GIFT from me."

So that's where I got that expectation, but I am NOT advising anyone to expect it or follow that. Just wanted to be clear.

Phira, the confusion is that you said that it's "traditional etiquette" to bring a boxed gift to the shower and check to the wedding. That is a tradition in some places, but it does not have anything to do with etiquette.

EverAfer · September 2013

Thanks ladies for your suggestions, seems like most of you share the same advice.

phira · September 2013

Viczaesar said:

phira said:

Sorry, I should explain more:

When my brother was getting married, I asked my mom if I was expected to bring a gift to the shower AND to the wedding. She said that a lot of people do bring a physical gift to the shower, and then a card with cash to the wedding. I told her, "Well, I'm buying them a frickin stand mixer, so they are getting ONE GIFT from me."

So that's where I got that expectation, but I am NOT advising anyone to expect it or follow that. Just wanted to be clear.

Phira, the confusion is that you said that it's "traditional etiquette" to bring a boxed gift to the shower and check to the wedding. That is a tradition in some places, but it does not have anything to do with etiquette.

Fair enough.

grumbledore · September 2013

simplysrey said:

Hi ladies, please offer some advice.

FH and I came from 2 independent households before I moved into his tinier apt. We're paying for our own wedding, then saving money for a house in a few years. We don't need anymore "stuff"--we both gave up some of our own stuff when I moved in. Our preference is for people to give cash so that a) we don't have to store stuff since the current apt we're in have no space and b) we're already paying for our wedding ourselves.

How do I let people know what our preference is without offending people? I know some people feel like it's against etiquette to ask for cash--but we just don't need things, esp when we know we're going to eventually have our own home in a few years.

How would you feel as a guest? How would you handle as a bride?
Any feedback welcomed!

Whether you are paying for your wedding yourselves or not is irrelevant. Do not ask for cash, it is rude. If you prefer cash, do not register for physical gifts, or create a very small gift registry for those who would prefer to give a physical gift (or if there will be a shower). They will get it.

There is no polite way to ask for cash (in fact there is no polite way to ask for a gift, period). I would be offended as a guest if a couple asked for cash.

Anecdote: I was in a wedding where the couple had a honeymoon registry (a disguised request for cash). I thought it was gross. I bought them a weird dish thing that I thought was cool but would probably be a pain to fit in to their decor. Normally I would give cash.

AjaandRyan · September 2013

I don't understand this- it seems snarky. You normally would have given cash, but since they asked for cash, you decided to purposely get them something they wouldn't want?

Reading these forums is pretty exhausting, I think I'm ready to bow out.

grumbledore · September 2013

AjaandRyan said:

I don't understand this- it seems snarky. You normally would have given cash, but since they asked for cash, you decided to purposely get them something they wouldn't want?

Reading these forums is pretty exhausting, I think I'm ready to bow out.

Yes. They were incredibly rude throughout the entire wedding process though, so that colored my feelings on the gift issue.

They ended up loving the gift, so no harm I guess but yeah, it was intentional. I warned the bride about the honeymoon registry, she didn't care.

randerson123 · September 2013

grumbledore said:

AjaandRyan said:

I don't understand this- it seems snarky. You normally would have given cash, but since they asked for cash, you decided to purposely get them something they wouldn't want?

Reading these forums is pretty exhausting, I think I'm ready to bow out.

Yes. They were incredibly rude throughout the entire wedding process though, so that colored my feelings on the gift issue.

They ended up loving the gift, so no harm I guess but yeah, it was intentional. I warned the bride about the honeymoon registry, she didn't care.

So you passive-aggressively punish people who don't adhere to your specific cultural, generational etiquette customs? Sounds like you care more about arbitrary etiquette rules than the real people in your life.

kaos16 · September 2013

simplysrey said:

Thanks for the suggestions ladies.

My wedding will be multicultural, with two ceremonies and one reception 200+ guests (we're paying for all of it--including all of our bridesmaids and groomsmen attire--the goal is that they won't have to pay for anything other than the bachelor and bachelorette events--I've been a bridesmaid enough time to know how high that cost is).

I won't be having a shower. It will be an Indian style Mehendi instead--another event I will pay for to have a henna artist come and do henna tattoos on all the ladies, and of course provide food, drinks, etc... so the only time we expect gifts is for the wedding. I don't want to be tacky and offend people, but FH and I do prefer the extra cash instead of boxed gifts. Plus it might be more than a year or two before we get out of this small apt and actually move somewhere with more space for stuff.

So conflicted!!!!!!

I thought you should expect to get married and celebrate with family and friends at a wedding, not expect gifts. This comes across as a very rude statement to me.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2013

randerson123 said:

AjaandRyan said:

I don't understand this- it seems snarky. You normally would have given cash, but since they asked for cash, you decided to purposely get them something they wouldn't want?

Reading these forums is pretty exhausting, I think I'm ready to bow out.

Yes. They were incredibly rude throughout the entire wedding process though, so that colored my feelings on the gift issue.

They ended up loving the gift, so no harm I guess but yeah, it was intentional. I warned the bride about the honeymoon registry, she didn't care.
So you passive-aggressively punish people who don't adhere to your specific cultural, generational etiquette customs? Sounds like you care more about arbitrary etiquette rules than the real people in your life.

Huh? Etiquette is supposed to be timeless and universal. A honeymoon registry- which is begging for cash- is rude and tacky in the U.S, and if I encountered one at a wedding in the U.K I'd feel the same way. Pretty sure we have had posters from the U.K. also comment on how rude they thought it was. . .

EverAfer · September 2013

Thanks for all of your feedback. We've decided to just do a small registry in case people do ask. Now, on to the next set of decisions.

Suggestions please: Preference for no gifts-- cash gift preferred wedding--how to handle

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