Grooms family wants us to pay for them to be in it.

Nomani · September 2013

So my fiancé's family does not have a lot of money. My family is "middle class" and is gratuitously paying for about 20% of the wedding. My fiancé and I are paying for the rest of the wedding at a budget of $20,000. His brother, who is the best man keeps asking for money and then implying he won't be in the weddig if we don't give him money because he can't afford it. We asked my fiancé's niece and nephew to be in the wedding since I don't have little cousins for the Ring bearer and flower girl. Now his sister is asking us to let her stay at our place where we have a small apartment or pay for their hotel for two nights. Especially since "we" are making them come for the rehearsal dinner, it adds an extra night for them for a hotel. Also she claims we should put them up because they have to pay for the kids weddig attire. I was planing on having them get a nice dress and suit at Kohls or the Burlington coat factory. Nothing expensive. I think his family is taking advantage of us. They are used to small 50 people wedding and we are having around 150 because my side of the family is bigger. I feel like they think we are rich and we aren't! I already told my fiancé no but I can tell he thinks we should pay for whatever his family wants so they can be in the wedding. What do I do? Any ideas how to explain to his family we can't afford to pay what they are asking?

misshart00 · September 2013

First, let your FI handle his family.

Second, I would call their bluff. I think it's ridiculous that his brother is saying if you won't do xyz, he won't be in the wedding. Also, tell the cousin's parents that they don't have to attend the rehearsal and you'll pay for their clothing. Problem solved.

Jen4948 · September 2013

Tell your FI that it is up to him to handle his family, but that you are not willing to pay all this money for his family to attend-nobody else is being paid for.

Maggie0829 · September 2013

If they accepted the invitation of being in the wedding then they should have realized that there is some expense to doing so.

You do not have to pay for their attire or their lodging and you should not feel guilt-tripped into it either.

The rehearsal is not a mandatory event and if they do not want to pay for an extra hotel night then they certainly do not have to attend the rehearsal.

As for the brother I would call his bluff. Let him know that he will have to pay for his own attire (in his budget of course) and see what he does.

Simply Fated · September 2013

Let them all wear something they already own or pick something from their own budget. Inexpensive to you, might not be inexpensive to them. And if their budget is $0, then let them spend $0.

If you don't make them be at the dress rehearsal, then they can't use that as an excuse anymore. Tell them they don't have to come, but you'd like to see them there. Well, have Fiance say it, since it's his family.

mrsbizzz · September 2013

I agree with PP. Let FI handle his family and let his answer be "OK, well we're sorry you won't be able to join us. Thanks!" I can almost guarantee there will be a change of heart.

People asked to be in wedding parties generally know the sort of financial outlay it entails. If they don't, they were too lazy to research a role before they took it. Some brides and grooms are fortunate enough to cover the expenses of their wedding party, but I would wager it is very few of them.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

Nomani said:

So my fiancé's family does not have a lot of money. My family is "middle class" and is gratuitously paying for about 20% of the wedding. My fiancé and I are paying for the rest of the wedding at a budget of $20,000. His brother, who is the best man keeps asking for money and then implying he won't be in the weddig if we don't give him money because he can't afford it. We asked my fiancé's niece and nephew to be in the wedding since I don't have little cousins for the Ring bearer and flower girl. Now his sister is asking us to let her stay at our place where we have a small apartment or pay for their hotel for two nights. Um no. I would NEVER host people at my house before or after the wedding. Hosting a wedding is stressful enough let alone having house guests in a cramped apartment. No way. Especially since "we" are making them come for the rehearsal dinner, it adds an extra night for them for a hotel. Tell them they don't have to make it to the RD if they can't afford another night in the hotel. Also she claims we should put them up because they have to pay for the kids weddig attire. Buy the kids and outfit and tell her you already have this covered so this reason invalidates itself. I was planing on having them get a nice dress and suit at Kohls or the Burlington coat factory. Nothing expensive. I think his family is taking advantage of us. I think so too. They are used to small 50 people wedding and we are having around 150 because my side of the family is bigger. I feel like they think we are rich and we aren't! I already told my fiancé no but I can tell he thinks we should pay for whatever his family wants so they can be in the wedding. What do I do? Get on the same page with your FI. Any ideas how to explain to his family we can't afford to pay what they are asking?

Your FI deals with his family. BUT he communicates a message that you BOTH agree on. So the two of you need to decide how to handle first and then he communicates this to his family. I suggest offering to pay for his brother's and the RB/FG attire IF you can afford it. And letting them know if they can't afford an extra night in a hotel that they don't need to attend the rehearsal/RD. Let them know that this is your offer and it's all you can afford. If they can't make it, you're very sorry and you'll miss having them there. Period. The ball is in their court and they can decide what to do.

ElcaB · September 2013

This seems ridiculous. You need to sit down with FI and come to an agreement about giving in or refusing to be part of this ridiculousness. His family sounds incredibly rude, but they're still his family, so it's best he be the one to communicate with them once you guys get on the same page.

Regardless, it's your wedding. You don't want anyone staying with you on your wedding night, regardless of whether you have a big apartment or not.

Nomani · September 2013

Unfortunately we can't pay for their attire. My fiancé does not agre with me which Is the reason I am Looking for advice. As far as the attire I am fine if there is a less expressive place to buy the flower girl and ring bearer suits. Little kids look cute in those types of clothes no matter what. Hopefully telling them ithe RD is optional but we want them their will make them change their minds. Especially once they realize i understand they may have a differen idea for their budget and I won't insist on a clothes they can't afford but will not pay for them to be in in, hotelOr attire. Thanks for all the comments!

Maggie0829 · September 2013

If the wedding party attire is not in your budget to pay for then it is not in your budget, so I really don't get how your FI doesn't agree with you. Also, I am a believer that if you pay for one persons attire then you should pay for them all, which will run you into even more money.

As for the flower girl and ring bearer attire. I would just tell them that you wish for the flower girl to wear X color and the ring bearer to be in a X color suit. Then just let them worry about finding something within their budget and that is available near them since they won't want to buy the clothing too early since kids grow pretty quickly.

tammym1001 · September 2013

Are the ringbearer and flower girl the children of his brother who is also in the wedding?

Honestly, if my brother told me his family couldn't be in my wedding unless I paid for their attire or hotel because they just couldn't afford it then I would pay for it. It would be worth it to me to have them at my wedding.

You say your FI wants to pay for it so if you put your foot down and say no and then his brother, niece, and nephew can't be in his wedding he will probably resent you for that.

Jen4948 · September 2013

I think you need to have a discussion with your FI in which you make it firmly clear to him that paying for his family members is not an option. Go over your budget with him and show him that you cannot cover the costs of his family members' participation and indicate that it is a closed subject.

Nomani · September 2013

It is his sister, not his brothers children.

Nomani · September 2013

Allisonmarie658 where did they find it for $8 or how!? That would be great.

NYCMercedes · September 2013

I'd try to find room in my budget for the little ones. As PP mentioned, you can get really cheap kids clothes. Consignment or resale shops always have like-new dress-up clothes for kids.

MoonlightSilver · September 2013

You and your FI need to get on the same page, and make a decision together. If you financially cannot afford to help them, then you cannot do so and your FI needs to recognize that. However, if you just don't *want* to pay for them but you technically could, you and your FI need to discuss the pros and cons and make a decision together.

Simply Fated · September 2013

If the kids already own nice clothes, they can wear those. And if not, then it's their parents responsibility to clothe their children. Even if they weren't in the bridal party, surely they would have their kids dress appropriately for the event, no? Same goes for the adults.
I'm not sure why it's your responsibility to dress his family if you aren't insisting on specific items of clothing.

You and your fiance aren't on the same page and that's what the real problem is. Ask him what he wants to cut out of your wedding to make the budget work if he insists on paying for their clothes.

If you're looking for ideas for stores... my friend and I swear by Kohls. They have amazing clearance sales and they almost always have coupons. His family could also ask their kids' parents if they have any hand me downs.

Grooms family wants us to pay for them to be in it.

Re: Grooms family wants us to pay for them to be in it.

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