Help-Gap

Minniesmom15 · September 2013

Okay, so I had no idea before reading all these boards how rude it was to have a gap. All weddings I've been to have had 2-3 hour gaps! I was going to have a several hour gap, but I don't want to be rude, so I would appreciate help figuring out my day. The latest I can have my ceremony at our church is noon(and can stay until 2:30 for visiting/snacks/pictures but OUT by 2:30.) We are set on having a evening reception, so that won't start until cocktail hour at five.

Would it be appropriate to only invite immediate family (parents, siblings, grandparents) to the ceremony itself, so that we don't have a hundred people trying to occupy themselves after ceremony-before cocktail hour? Or, would it be appropriate to rent a banquet room at the hotel we'll be staying (little over five minutes from reception venue) with snacks/soda for people to hang out? Or do I just need to find somewhere else to get married, so we can have a later ceremony and go right into the reception. I'd really hate to do that, as I've been attending this church over ten years before moving south, but I'd rather change ceremony venue than have an early reception.

Thanks, and I sincerely do want to do the right thing- I really appreciate your honest opinions!! I absolutely don't want to be a poor host. I was just ignorant as to how rude it was. As it is, I'm fighting my mother and FMIL on the open bar because they think it's ridiculous that guests can't pay for their own alcohol! (Don't worry. No way are any guests parting with any cash during my wedding.)

APDSS22 · September 2013

Well if you refuse to budge on the evening reception, you should find another ceremony venue to remove the gap and properly host your guests.

CrazyCatLady3 · September 2013

Find another ceremony venue. Guests will get bored an antsy hanging out in a hospitality suite for so long, and will likely end up leaving the reception on the earlier side if they have been out for your wedding since noon.

simplykayla · September 2013

I would definitely consider finding another ceremony venue. It's the best way to solve your problem, if an evening reception is more important to you.

Gaps are not only rude, they're really not fun for your guests. Putting them in another room to wait around for a couple hours won't help that either. And like Cat Lady said, they would probably end up leaving your reception earlier too.

As for your question about just inviting immediate family to the reception, I believe I saw somewhere on here once that's okay to do if it's literally immediate family, like just parents and siblings. (Somebody correct me if I'm wrong on this). But somebody else on here can probably give you a better answer on that one than I can.

annathy03 · September 2013

I'm also under the impression that if the ceremony was truly intimate (parents, siblings, grandparents only should work), that you could do that, but while it's not an etiquette breach, many guests DO want to see the ceremony. I agree that guests would get antsy in a church and then hospitality suite for that long, so I think you need to figure out if getting married in your church is more important than getting married in front of all of your guests.

STARMOON44 · September 2013

You'd rather not get married in the church you've been attending for ten years than have an afternoon reception? Wow.

You know that afternoon receptions can be fancy, dancy, boozy blowouts too right? Just like evening, but without the tuxes.

Maggie0829 · September 2013

Well if an evening reception is a must then it looks like you need a new ceremony venue. There is no way to use the church you have now and still have an evening reception. You can't have your cake and eat it to, as they say.

As for having an intimate ceremony with just immediate family. Yes, according to etiquette, that is okay, but I just never understood doing this and then having a huge reception. 1) because the whole point of the reception is to thank your guests for witnessing your marriage and 2) some brides think doing this way will save them money but really the reception is the pricing portion of the day

In regards to your idea of renting a room for everyone to hang out in between your ceremony and reception. If I was one of your guests I would be bored out of my mind. Would you really be happy sitting around for 4 hours in a banquet room just to wait for the reception to start? That sounds ridiculous and that you may as well just have the reception right after your ceremony, because you basically are.

ShesSoCold · September 2013

I think you should have the ceremony at your church (assuming this church is more important than the reception venue) and have an afternoon reception with an after-party afterwards. Something like this:

12:00 - 1:00: Ceremony

1:00 - 1:30: Receiving line/getting everyone out of the church

2:00ish (depending on how far away the reception venue is) - 3:00: Cocktail hour. You chould stretch it to 3:30

4:00: Dinner begins

5:30: Dancing & whatnot

8:00 or 9:00 or whenever: Reception formally over - go to a bar or club or somewhere else for an after party.

kmmssg · September 2013

Well, first off, kudos to you for reading through posts here and figuring out that you need to do something different. That, in itself, is unusual around here. You sound like a bride who really wants to do the right thing.

You talked about attending this church for 10 years prior to moving. Because of that, I'm going to tackle this from my perspective as a Protestant Christian. When I attend a church, I could care less about the physical building. It is brick and mortar. It is the people who make up the church for me. If I can get married in the middle of a cornfield with my Pastor and friends from church, I have gotten married in the church.

If you can have the people from the church and the Pastor you want at a different location that solves your problem. I don't know why pp's are getting hung up on you ditching a brick and mortar building so you can have an evening reception.

Choose a different ceremony venue and then you can quit worrying about this.

DISCLAIMER - notice I offered this from a Protestant Christian perspective. I know from my time on here and from marrying into a Catholic family that the church is considered consecrated ground and the wedding must be performed there. OP said nothing about being Catholic so that is why I went in the direction I did.

jlhart76 · September 2013

Personally, if your wedding is at noon, I'm leaving after the reception at the church. No offense, but I wouldn't sit around a hotel for 2.5 hours for my own brother's wedding. Besides, if your reception goes to midnight, that's 12 hours you expect me to spend celebrating your wedding. Again, way too much in my opinion and I wouldn't bother with the reception.

WonderRed · September 2013

What about doing pictures in the church before the ceremony? Then you could...

Ceremony 1:30-2:00
Receiving line & mingle 2:00-2:30
Cocktail hour elsewhere 3:00-4:30 (don't know how far away it is though and that does matter)
Dinner 4:30-5:30/6:00, depending on the size of the guest list
6:00- 8:00 or 9:00 partying, dancing, etc.

I also would leave after a 3 hour gap, even if there was entertainment. It's just too much. And I wouldn't want to stay until midnight for a wedding that started at noon. Guests with kids will be hard pressed to find a sitter for that long and there is no way I could make my 6 year old sit through that much wedding day, even if he was invited to attend.

If that won't work then find a different place, assuming your pastor can still perform it there. This is coming from someone who doesn't participate in organized religion, so take it with a grain of salt, but I agree with the idea that your church is the people. Not the specific building.

jcwrdh94 · September 2013

Perhaps it's a regional thing for having gaps. Here in Western NY, every single wedding I've ever attended with a church (catholic/Lutheran) ceremony on a Saturday has had a gap of up to 5 hours. Many churches have 4pm mass on Saturday and only do 12noon & 2pm ceremonies. Many reception venues will not let you start until 5:30-6pm.

I never saw it as a big deal. I just went home and went about my day until the reception or once in a while I skipped the ceremony. I think it's more of a concern for out of town guests.

Sometimes a family member will host to have guests come by for snacks/drinks during that gap. This is what I'm doing (2 1/2 hr gap) .

During the gap the wedding party gets in the limo (after pics at the church) to go for photos and to party it up. I've talked to people about the gap because I was concerned after reading all the anti-gap comments on the board. Everyone said, not a big deal. It's expected.

delujm0 · September 2013

i think the gaps mainly exist at Catholic weddings - most Catholic churches have Saturday evening Mass, so you have to be out of there well before that starts. i grew up in a heavily Catholic area, and almost every wedding i have been to growing up, or for people i knew growing up, had a gap.

As a kid obviously i didn't notice, but as an adult i did, and it was annoying. Unless it was physically in my home town, at my home church, where i would be familiar enough with the area to just go home in between, it was a pain to plan for activities during that time. One wedding that had a 3 hour gap was fortunately in a town that one of my high school friends had moved to; so she hosted a shindig for the in-between. NOTE: at that shindig, the 20 or so of us there got VERY DRUNK. and then went to the cocktail hour. So now in my head, i always assume a big gap will lead to guests showing up already drunk to the cocktail hour. we have a similar plan, but in a hotel room, for an upcoming wedding. if that's not what you want, you should probably reassess.

an afternoon reception would be lovely (and likely less expensive) and you could always have a planned after-party at a bar in a private area in the evening. if the church is super important to you, i would do that. but this is the biggest reason i decided not to get married in the Catholic church. it's super inconvenient for everyone involved.

Jen4948 · September 2013

If you really want an evening reception, it would make sense for you to move your wedding ceremony forward to the evening to eliminate or minimize the gap. If you can't do that at your current venue, you should find a different venue. A hospitality suite could work if you have a relatively short gap while you take pictures, but a gap starting at 2:30pm until sometime in the evening is way too long.

Either that or you need to give up the evening reception and hold it in the afternoon as soon as possible after the ceremony.

Maggie0829 · September 2013

Having gaps is a CHOICE the bride and groom makes. There is absolutely no reason that forces the couple to have a gap. Period. They just want their cake (get married in a church that requires an early ceremony) and eat it too (have an evening reception).

Minniesmom15 · September 2013

Thanks everyone for the replies!

Starmoon- It's not that I think an afternoon reception would be any less fun- my entire extended family loves to celebrate late, whether it's a football party, birthday, whatever. Considering that, I do feel my guests, as well as my fiancé and, would much prefer an evening party. The church is important to me, but I also moved out of state 8 months ago, so it's not "my church" anymore, though it is still important to me.

Maggie-thanks for your input, you make a good point about the reception being a thank you for everyone coming to see us married. Honestly, if I was a guest at my own wedding I wouldn't mind a gap-like I said, the weddings I've been to HAVE had gaps, and we always either spent that time to go grab a bite to eat with family, or hang out at someone's home. Considering 90% of our guest list is family, I don't think they'd be bored hanging out in a room together, but I do want to do the right thing etiquette wise whether they would be bored or not.

ShesSoCold-Great idea, I will look into the after party possibility!

AlisonMarie- I am not sure, but that is what I was told in the information from the church. Ceremony absolutely no later than noon, unfortunately.

kmmssg- We are non denominational Christian and our church has two locations, one being at a high school! Thank you for putting it in perspective about it being more about the people than the physical location. That was very helpful and you are correct.

jcwrdh94- thank you for that perspective. That is the norm around here as well.

Again, thanks for all the different opinions! Really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond.

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