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to call or not to call

cherryharleycherryharley member
10 Comments 5 Love Its
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Seems that despite invitees being rude and not bothering to RSVP one way or another, protocol says you should call anyone you haven't gotten an RSVP from, right? Why is it on the bride and groom to contact inconsiderate people??? In other areas of life, is it okay to not answer phone calls, texts, voice messages, emails, and even facebook posts? People seem to be more apt to reply to those than something that specifically says "response requested". The couple and their parents are spending thousands and were thoughtful enough to invite you, but you can't take 30 seconds to respond???

This isn't just venting, which has been done on here many times by many disgruntled brides. I have a real question. If my guests can't bother to RSVP why should I bother to call them for an answer? If I call, will they assume that they must now come, when in fact I don't care one way or another? (Many invites were because it was "proper" to invite family I've never met.) Can I assume if they did not RSVP they are not coming? Or am I being rude by not calling? Head count is not a real issue as we are doing a cocktail reception only and when the food is gone, it's gone. 

Last question, would it be okay to call the people I really want to come to the wedding but not call those I don't know well? I abhor A and B invitation lists and don't want to parallel that with tracking down RSVP slackers...

FYI, 278 people invited, expect approx 175, have only heard from 61 with one more week before the RSVP deadline.
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Re: to call or not to call

  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers

    You bother to call them because it's your event. You call them because you're supposed to be the bigger person and a gracious hostess. You call them because if you don't, you become the rude-ish type of person you're complaining about.

    And you have a week to go. RELAX. Get some booze.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Because that is just the way life is.  Some people suck at RSVPing.  Some don't.  Either way you need an accurate head count for your venue so you have to call them.  Period.  Assuming is never a good idea, ever.

    Also, you really should have held onto this rant until a week after you RSVP date has past.  Venting now makes you seem a bit bridezillaish.

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  • cherryharleycherryharley member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    With everything else there is to do in the last 3 weeks before the wedding I am dreading the thought of having to call 200 people that I don't know what to say to. Maybe the RSVP's will come flooding in next week (fingers crossed).
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    cherryharley said:
    Seems that despite invitees being rude and not bothering to RSVP one way or another, protocol says you should call anyone you haven't gotten an RSVP from, right? Yes. Why is it on the bride and groom to contact inconsiderate people??? Because you're the hosts. In other areas of life, is it okay to not answer phone calls, texts, voice messages, emails, and even facebook posts? People seem to be more apt to reply to those than something that specifically says "response requested". The couple and their parents are spending thousands and were thoughtful enough to invite you, but you can't take 30 seconds to respond??? 

    This isn't just venting, which has been done on here many times by many disgruntled brides. I have a real question. If my guests can't bother to RSVP why should I bother to call them for an answer? Because if their response got lost in the mail (or if they suck and didn't send it) and they show up, it's on YOU to accommodate them. It's in your best interest to avoid stress on your wedding day, really. If I call, will they assume that they must now come, when in fact I don't care one way or another? No. They will not feel pressured to come. They'll probably feel like idiots for not RSVPing. (Many invites were because it was "proper" to invite family I've never met.) Can I assume if they did not RSVP they are not coming? No. Or am I being rude by not calling?  It's in YOUR best interest to follow-up. It'll be rude if they show up, you invited them and you don't properly host them.  Head count is not a real issue as we are doing a cocktail reception only and when the food is gone, it's gone. WHAT?! I hope you don't run out of food - how embarrassing to be hosting a party where that were to happen... I would talk to your caterer about this and ensure that doesn't happen. Head count IS absolutely important! I had a strolling dinner (so no pre-selected meals or anything like that). Headcount was definitely an issue. You need to know how many people to feed. If this didn't matter, why on earth did you even ask people to RSVP?

    Last question, would it be okay to call the people I really want to come to the wedding but not call those I don't know well? This doesn't make sense. Just call the people who don't RSVP. I abhor A and B invitation lists and don't want to parallel that with tracking down RSVP slackers...

    FYI, 278 people invited, expect approx 175, have only heard from 61 with one more week before the RSVP deadline.
    Ok if you're a week before your RSVP deadline, then stop freaking out about it. No one is "rude" because your deadline hasn't even passed yet!! I got a wave of responses right after I sent invitations and then another wave the week they were "due". 

    Give your guests a couple of days after the deadline and then start making calls - not before that. And yes, you need to call them. You can ask your parents to help you with this. If you're fretting making phone calls, send an email or a FB message. It's not hard. You just need to know so you can host these people. You're kind of making a mountain out of molehill.
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  • LakeR2014LakeR2014 member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2013
    cherryharley said:
    With everything else there is to do in the last 3 weeks before the wedding I am dreading the thought of having to call 200 people that I don't know what to say to. Maybe the RSVP's will come flooding in next week (fingers crossed).
    Understandable, but you won't.  I know it's hard, with having the RSVP date, close, but it'll be ok.  Most people hold until the last minute to send them because, well, they forget.  Nothing against you, nothing against your FI, they're human.   You'll see a huge influx of invites this week and...get ready for it....a great deal the first few days AFTER your RSVP date.   Unfortunately it's the nature of people, it's not always great, but it is what it is.

    So, especially now that you're super stressed, take a night off, grab some wine, order a pizza, and relax with your and your FIs favorite show.  Tune out anything wedding related for one night and remember why you started this whole crazy process.

    The RSVPs will roll in... :)
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  • allispainallispain member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    You call them because you need to know how many people to expect at your wedding. I'm sure you're venue actually want a headcount and aren't just going off the idea of "when the food is gone, it's gone".

    Also, FYI, many guests wait until the last minute to RSVP, so you'll be getting a lot of responses right around the RSVP date (including some that arrive a day or two afterwards, since people put it in the mail on the deadline date). Will you likely still have some people not respond at all? Yes. People forget. It happens. Or maybe, just maybe, they have something more important going on in their lives right now than your wedding. I don't mean to be rude in saying this, but your wedding is not the center of their universe and you shouldn't expect them to have it at the top of their priority list.

    Finally, for what it's worth - I'm pretty sure it's perfectly fine to not answer facebook posts... especially given the number of requests I get a day to play some silly game or other...
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  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    cherryharley said:
    With everything else there is to do in the last 3 weeks before the wedding I am dreading the thought of having to call 200 people that I don't know what to say to. Maybe the RSVP's will come flooding in next week (fingers crossed).

    Most will probably come in the next few weeks. Some people don't put the card in the mail until the date listed. Wait until a couple days after the RSVP date. Have your FI call his side of the family.

    When you call, you simply say "Hi Bob, This is Cherry. We haven't recieved your RSVP for our wedding. We'd love to see you there. Please let us know if you can make it by the end of this week. Thanks!"

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited September 2013
    Unfortunately, some people who have been invited RSVP late or show up without RSVPing, in which case you need to be ready to entertain them to the same extent as those guests who did RSVP.

    In order to do that, your reception venue needs to know how many people are coming and if pre-ordering is involved, what they are ordering.  Even though you don't need a head count, your venue could still use the information to make sure they have enough food available.

    You're right, it's not fair that the burden is on the couple to get this information from people who don't understand why RSVPing is necessary.  It really sucks-especially when you can't get hold of someone.  But unfortunately, there is no other way to get this information.  And as one of the principals and one of the persons who chose that venue, you and your FI are the one who owes them this information-not your parents, wedding party members, or anyone else.
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  • daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Combo Breaker

    You will most likely get a flood of RSVPs in the last few days before (and after) the RSVP date.  People often need time to manage schedules, arrange childcare, make accomodations, etc. 

    I am curious why you requested an RSVP date if you do not need a headcount for food?  Do you just need to make sure there's enough seating?

     

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  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary

    278 people is roughly 150 invitations. You have 61 in (I'm assuming 30 RSVP cards back?)

    Assuming not one single person sends you back an RSVP in the next 9 days (7 days before deadline, plus a two day "grace period") 150-30=120

     

    You take 60 and FI takes 60. You each place a 1 minute phone call to each person. It takes you an hour, max

    NBD, calm down. It happens to almost everyone.

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  • doeydodoeydo member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    cherryharley said:
    Seems that despite invitees being rude and not bothering to RSVP one way or another, protocol says you should call anyone you haven't gotten an RSVP from, right? Why is it on the bride and groom to contact inconsiderate people??? In other areas of life, is it okay to not answer phone calls, texts, voice messages, emails, and even facebook posts? People seem to be more apt to reply to those than something that specifically says "response requested". The couple and their parents are spending thousands and were thoughtful enough to invite you, but you can't take 30 seconds to respond???

    This isn't just venting, which has been done on here many times by many disgruntled brides. I have a real question. If my guests can't bother to RSVP why should I bother to call them for an answer? If I call, will they assume that they must now come, when in fact I don't care one way or another? (Many invites were because it was "proper" to invite family I've never met.) Can I assume if they did not RSVP they are not coming? Or am I being rude by not calling? Head count is not a real issue as we are doing a cocktail reception only and when the food is gone, it's gone. 

    Last question, would it be okay to call the people I really want to come to the wedding but not call those I don't know well? I abhor A and B invitation lists and don't want to parallel that with tracking down RSVP slackers...

    FYI, 278 people invited, expect approx 175, have only heard from 61 with one more week before the RSVP deadline.
    Your venue can handle if everyone comes though, right?  There won't be people turned away at the door or people without chairs?
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited September 2013
    You definitely should have held this rant until your RSVP deadline had actually passed. You come off really bridezilla-ish in this post.

    That being said...yes, it's rude and it suck and they should RSVP. But if you DON'T call and they ASSUMED you knew they were coming and they SHOW UP ANYWAY and you don't have a seat/dinner for them, YOU look like the jerk, not them. So really, you call to save your own butt from looking like a jerk.

    FI is in your camp of, "Why should we call them if they can't RSVP on time?" I tried explaining this to him, and his final thought was, "Well, anyone who doesn't RSVP we're going to assume isn't coming," and I said, "And how do you plan to make sure they know that?" He said, "I'm going to call them and say, 'We didn't get your RSVP; we're so sorry you won't be attending the wedding!' and let them know that not RSVPing equals a 'no' response." 

    I'm OK with him doing that to his family/friends. I'll handle my side of the list my way.

    ETA: A lot of people mistakenly believe they only have to RSVP if they're actually coming, so if they're not planning on attending, the don't send back the RSVP card. It's rude and annoying, but not malicious or mean-spirited.
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  • Belle2188Belle2188 member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    First of all, a lot of people send their RSVPs at the last minute, so you're sure to get a flood of responses right before and right after your deadline.

    Second of all, of course you have to call.  Is it rude of them not to respond?  Yes, of course, but most of the time it's not malicious.  I totally flaked on responding to two weddings last year--I was moving and finishing grad school and I actually think I lost one of the invitations to boot.  The deadline just flew right by me and I felt awful that my friends had to reach out to me to ask if I was going, but I'm glad they did because I did intend to go.  Clearly that was not my finest hour, but you do have to be understanding of the fact that some people are going to have other things going on and it could possibly slip their mind.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    @cherryharley - Can I just tell you how wonderfully refreshing it is for a poster to take in the advice, think about it, and then come out the other end nice and calm?  So, so refreshing.  Thank you for being one of the pleasant one's.  Definitely stick around.  And don't worry we all had a bridezilla moment at some point, even if some don't want to admit it.

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  • cherryharleycherryharley member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    With one month to go, I'm sure I will at least "lurk" ;-)

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  • Majelin86Majelin86 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    Yes it definitely sucks that some people can't take 5 seconds to RSVP, but I am still going to call the people I haven't heard from (giving them a couple days grace and waiting until tomorrow - my deadline was Friday Sept. 6th). It would suck more if you don't include them on the seating chart, etc and then they show up, thinking that they already RSVP'd or that they didn't have to. Imagine having tons more people show up than you planned for! I would much rather give a quick phone call to avoid confusion and frustration on the day of your wedding :)
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  • allispainallispain member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    cherryharley said:
    Ok, I had been reading all the posts others had written AFTER their RSVP date had passed and was calling their guests rude, not specifically ranting about my guests. I know I have to wait till after the deadline and then a few days.... was just trying to decide how to handle it at that time. 

    I appreciate all the input. You are right, there will be people who will RSVP around the deadline. And couples equal one phone call, not two. And if FI helps that is even fewer people I will have to call. It is doable. 

    I shouldn't have made the comment about running out of food. Of course the caterer needs a head count even if it is just to calculate how many appetizers to make and not how many plated dinners. I would be embarrassed to run out of food. I think I was in a "serves them right" mindset. Which is not being the bigger person, nor logical because those who might go home hungry might be ones that DID RSVP not the unexpected guests. 

    Since only one groom seems to think the same way as me, "FI is in your camp of, "Why should we call them if they can't RSVP on time?" I tried explaining this to him, and his final thought was, "Well, anyone who doesn't RSVP we're going to assume isn't coming," I have my answer. Yes, I have to call because I need an answer. I know that some who say they are coming will not make it and some may show up who thought they would be unable to come. But calling is the best way to get the most accurate head count possible.  

    And to the person who was concerned that some might be turned away at the door, it's an outdoor wedding so the only issue is renting extra chairs at the last minute if it turns out that more than the 175 we are estimating (200 chairs) will be coming. 

    So food and chairs we will be good to go, and I'll go take off my bridezilla dress now.
    What a lovely response to all the comments. Now I'm regretting some of my snark a bit. Thanks for being so reasonable and not going into mega-bridezilla mode on us!!!

    Also, the bolded totally made me chuckle.
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    cherryharley said:
    Seems that despite invitees being rude and not bothering to RSVP one way or another, protocol says you should call anyone you haven't gotten an RSVP from, right? Why is it on the bride and groom to contact inconsiderate people??? In other areas of life, is it okay to not answer phone calls, texts, voice messages, emails, and even facebook posts? People seem to be more apt to reply to those than something that specifically says "response requested". The couple and their parents are spending thousands and were thoughtful enough to invite you, but you can't take 30 seconds to respond???

    This isn't just venting, which has been done on here many times by many disgruntled brides. I have a real question. If my guests can't bother to RSVP why should I bother to call them for an answer? If I call, will they assume that they must now come, when in fact I don't care one way or another? (Many invites were because it was "proper" to invite family I've never met.) Can I assume if they did not RSVP they are not coming? Or am I being rude by not calling? Head count is not a real issue as we are doing a cocktail reception only and when the food is gone, it's gone. 

    Last question, would it be okay to call the people I really want to come to the wedding but not call those I don't know well? I abhor A and B invitation lists and don't want to parallel that with tracking down RSVP slackers...

    FYI, 278 people invited, expect approx 175, have only heard from 61 with one more week before the RSVP deadline.
    Because you are the host.  It is your responsibility as the host to follow up with people who don't RSVP.  If you don't want to be bothered to fulfill your obligations as host, do not invite people to be your guests.  It's as simple as that. 

    Your plans sound rude, and maybe you should rethink your plan to host anyway.  You don't care whether people come or not?  You don't care how many people are showing up, you're just going to have a limited amount of food and when it's gone it's gone?  A host should be gracious and concerned about their guests' comfort and about having enough food for appropriate hosting at whatever time of day you're having your wedding.  You sound like you're neither gracious about hosting nor concerned about treating your guests properly.



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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Oops, I see that there were comments that I missed (stupid ipad!), and that OP has taken others' advice graciously.  I take back what I said about you not seeming like a gracious host.  Brava, OP!



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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    @cherryharley - do you have any idea how much your last two posts made my day? A lot. Please stay. :)
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  • cherryharleycherryharley member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    thank you everyone! I have to say that you have put me in a much better mood as well! sometimes it takes a slap up side the head to get someone's attention.... thanks for the slap. :-)
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