Guest invite dilema

player41140 · September 2013

My fiancé and I really want to have a small dinner with just our very close friends and relatives. (About 50 people.) In order to accomplish this, we were going to have the whole wedding day with only 70 people. Then we went to a wedding where for the ceremony, dinner, and reception, gradually more and more people were invited. We love the thought to have all 150 friends/relatives there to celebrate with us for the reception, but we still want to keep dinner small. My thought was to have the small ceremony and dinner, and then have the reception start later (7 or 8) and offer hor d'ouevres, drinks, cake, and dancing at the reception. My mom said that since we are inviting all of those people to the reception, we HAVE to invite them to the ceremony. I would be OK with that, but I really want to keep the dinner small and intimate since this will be the only time the entire day to spend quality time with our close friends and family. The gap between the ceremony and reception would probably have to be at least 3 hours so there's enough time for dinner. Is there ANY WAY I can get away with this? Would offering guests places to eat/entertain themselves be sufficient, or am I screwed choosing between a large and small wedding?

ShesSoCold · September 2013

player41140 said:

My fiancé and I really want to have a small dinner with just our very close friends and relatives. (About 50 people.) In order to accomplish this, we were going to have the whole wedding day with only 70 people. Then we went to a wedding where for the ceremony, dinner, and reception, gradually more and more people were invited. We love the thought to have all 150 friends/relatives there to celebrate with us for the reception, but we still want to keep dinner small. My thought was to have the small ceremony and dinner, and then have the reception start later (7 or 8) and offer hor d'ouevres, drinks, cake, and dancing at the reception. My mom said that since we are inviting all of those people to the reception, we HAVE to invite them to the ceremony. I would be OK with that, but I really want to keep the dinner small and intimate since this will be the only time the entire day to spend quality time with our close friends and family. The gap between the ceremony and reception would probably have to be at least 3 hours so there's enough time for dinner. Is there ANY WAY I can get away with this? - No. Would offering guests places to eat/entertain themselves be sufficient, or am I screwed choosing between a large and small wedding? - Yes.

I can't get out of the quote box...the only way to do anything remotely close to what you're asking here and still stay within good etiquette is to have a truly private ceremony (immediate family ONLY) and invite EVERYONE else to the reception. You can't invite people to bits and pieces - that's rude.

Or, maybe have the wedding and reception later in the evening and have a wedding day breakfast/brunch with those immediate family?? This way it would be an entirely separate event than the wedding and people won't feel slighted for not being invited.

ETA - Someone PLEASE correct me if the above suggestion is rude...it was just a thought and I don't know the proper etiquette on it..

MobKaz · September 2013

All your guests must be treated with the same courtesies. Everyone invited to the ceremony must be included in all events following it. If you want to have a small, intimate dinner with a select few, you could go out the evening before your wedding. And, while we're discussing proper hosting, there should be no gap between the ceremony and reception. If you do have a gap, you should host something for your guests in the interim.

player41140 · September 2013

Thanks, that makes sense. How does doing anything before the ceremony fall into play if "it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding"?

ShesSoCold · September 2013

player41140 said:

Thanks, that makes sense. How does doing anything before the ceremony fall into play if "it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding"?

Personally, I think it's pretty silly to base the extent and happiness of your marriage on a silly superstition. Focus your efforts on communication and bettering the relationship instead.

misssunshine17 · September 2013

Nope, nope, nope. This plan is totally rude. I suggest having your ceremony & reception with the 50 people. If you're really like, have a party (no dress, cake cutting, ceremony, bridal party etc) for the other 100, but I don't see why you would do that. You need to reevaluate your plan.

player41140 · September 2013

Can I keep the ceremony and dinner small with the larger reception? I've read in places that would be OK, but I'm getting the impression maybe it's not........? It's not like I wouldn't be feeding people at all; I just think there's more fun and mingling possible if everyone isn't tied to their seats feeling like crap after a huge meal. Finger food is more fun!?

MobKaz · September 2013

player41140 said:

Thanks, that makes sense. How does doing anything before the ceremony fall into play if "it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding"?

Many brides are now choosing to do a "first look". Prior to the ceremony, the bride and groom meet for some quiet, private time. Many of their photos are taken then. It is also a good way to lessen the gap between the ceremony and reception. It's not for everyone. Brides that have done it have shared many good reasons as to why it worked well for them.

doeydo · September 2013

No. That is called a tiered reception and is considered quite rude.

misssunshine17 · September 2013

player41140 said:

Can I keep the ceremony and dinner small with the larger reception? I've read in places that would be OK, but I'm getting the impression maybe it's not........? It's not like I wouldn't be feeding people at all; I just think there's more fun and mingling possible if everyone isn't tied to their seats feeling like crap after a huge meal. Finger food is more fun!?

Its all about percentages. I think your ceremony/dinner should be less than 25%. I also wouldn't do this on the same day, unless it's in a completely different location, but even then, I think it gets rubbed in the non-ceremony guests face. Have a party the following week, but it is really just a party. No white dress, ceremony, bridal party, cake cutting, etc.

ShesSoCold · September 2013

player41140 said:

Can I keep the ceremony and dinner small with the larger reception? I've read in places that would be OK, but I'm getting the impression maybe it's not........? It's not like I wouldn't be feeding people at all; I just think there's more fun and mingling possible if everyone isn't tied to their seats feeling like crap after a huge meal. Finger food is more fun!?

Nope...sorry. If the reception is at a meal time, you must serve a meal. To everyone. And you cannot have a dinner with less people and then have a reception at a later time to get around this. Really, the only way to do this is have a VERY small (I'd say less than like 20 people) ceremony and then EVERYONE else invited to dinner/reception.

kkcaper14 · September 2013

You can have an intimate dinner with your "closest friends and family" at the rehearsal dinner the night before perhaps? No tiered reception.

allispain · September 2013

Rather than have a tiered reception (which is very rude) you could have your nearest and dearest join you either a) the night before for the rehearsal dinner or b) the morning after for brunch. We did the latter at one of my cousins' wedding - it was just 20 or so family members and we had brunch at her parents' home with her and her new husband. It was a really nice chance for us to get to know him and his side of the family better, without all the hustle and bustle of a big crowd.

saric83 · September 2013

player41140 said:

Can I keep the ceremony and dinner small with the larger reception? I've read in places that would be OK, but I'm getting the impression maybe it's not........? It's not like I wouldn't be feeding people at all; I just think there's more fun and mingling possible if everyone isn't tied to their seats feeling like crap after a huge meal. Finger food is more fun!?

Nope. You could choose to do an appetizer reception (still provide the equivalent amount of food as a dinner) for everyone, but it's SO rude to invite peope in tiers.

We were invited to my H's cousin's wedding in H's hometown. It was a reception-only invite, but we had heard that they might do something private with just immediate family, so while I was a little disappointed, we didn't think much of it.

We drove into town (four hours) the night before and stayed with H's parents, where we realized that we had different invitations. They were invited to the ceremony and dinner, and we were only invited post-dinner. Had we known, we never would have gone. It felt like crap to come in to a crowded room where you could see dinner still being cleared. They did have some apps and deli sandwiches specifically for us second-tiered people, and we felt really stupid eating by ourselves since everyone else at our table already had dinner.

Please do NOT do this to people.

artbyallie · September 2013

You're missing the fact that the dinner is the reception. You cannot divide your event this way. If you want an intimate group at dinner, you must have a small wedding. If you want a large reception, you must feed all those guests dinner. There is no way to get around this and still be polite.

SKPM · September 2013

Why not have an intimate dinner with WP (and their SOs) and your immediate families the night before for the rehearsal dinner? We had a 160 person wedding, and the RD was a nice 25 people dinner. It was great to spend time with those people the night before the big day. Then, like PPs said, invite everyone to everything at the wedding reception.

crunchymamaof2 · September 2013

You can't have a wedding, dinner reception, and another reception. You can have a wedding & reception and then a party. For example, you could have an 11:00am ceremony with a small lunch immediately following with everyone who attended the ceremony. That would be your reception. Then later that night (or another day) you can have a party to celebrate, but it can't (shouldn't) include any wedding-ish stuff. No poufy dress, cake cutting, first dance, tosses, etc. Great food (desserts, apps, or a full meal depending on time), Great music, and good company is all you need. Again, this would just be a party and not a reception. So yes, you do need to choose between a small wedding or a larger one.

CALEO · September 2013

I never understand this. Have a small wedding. Or have a big wedding. But don't invite half your guests to the whole thing and half to only part. That is rude - no matter how you slice it.

Jen4948 · September 2013

There are two things you're proposing to do here that don't work per etiquette:

1) Having tiered hospitality-not inviting everyone to the whole event. This is a no-no. It is okay to invite some people only to the reception, but that can't be a sliver of the whole guest list.

2) Having a gap between the ceremony and reception. Keeping your guests waiting 3 hours for you is very inconsiderate. The reception needs to follow the ceremony as soon after the conclusion of the ceremony as possible.

WinstonsGirl · September 2013

Please don't have a tiered reception. There's so many problems with it - people raving about your amazing meal to someone who didn't get to eat and then wonders why they weren't good enough to have dinner, the dinner running late and the "dance only" people having to wait around in the hall for dinner to finish, potentially no reception seats for them, since there will be no dinner tables/chairs in the first place and I could go on.

As for seeing the groom/bride beforehand, DH and I had breakfast together the morning of, before we both went to get ready. He also dropped off some supplies while I was in the middle of getting my hair done. It was still is a rats nest of just removed hot roller curls and teasing, so he didn't know what it was going to look like. But we didn't want to see each other "ready" before the ceremony. Lots of people are also doing first look photos, so I don't put much importance on seeing each other before.

aurorajanette · September 2013

I was once invited to a tiered wedding. One of my employees was getting married and she invited me and my staff to her wedding... but only to the "dancing" part of the wedding after the ceremony, cocktail hour, and dinner. And she didn't invite my FI (he was my boyfriend of over a year then). Double whammy.

I didn't go, because I thought the entire thing was incredibly rude and inappropriate on many levels. I heard from my employees that did go afterward that they ran out of the dessert, didn't have enough chairs, and closed the bar an hour before the wedding ended.

Moral of the story: Don't have a tiered wedding. You will make your guests who are only invited to part of it feel like crap.

Also, definitely no gaps. There is nothing more boring than sitting around waiting for hours for the next part of the wedding to begin.

Blue_Bird · September 2013

artbyallie said:

You're missing the fact that the dinner is the reception. You cannot divide your event this way. If you want an intimate group at dinner, you must have a small wedding. If you want a large reception, you must feed all those guests dinner. There is no way to get around this and still be polite.

Exactly.

What you're considering is rude, Sweetie. Either invite everyone to the whole shebang or have a small ceremony and reception. Inviting the larger group to just a portion is unacceptable.

player41140 · September 2013

Just to let you all know, I've decided to go in the middle. Not invite everyone under the sun, but also include people I wouldn't have included in a private dinner. Final head count will be 90 (I'm sure with some no-shows). Thanks for the help, but just a tip: try not to make people feel bad when they are naive and don't know it's a stupid question to ask.

artbyallie · September 2013

Come on now. Nobody even said it was a stupid question. It's one that we get frequently, but that doesn't make it stupid. If our answers made you feel bad, maybe the internet is not a good place for you to hang out, because nobody was even remotely bitchy here.

MandyMost · September 2013

SKPM said:

Why not have an intimate dinner with WP (and their SOs) and your immediate families the night before for the rehearsal dinner? We had a 160 person wedding, and the RD was a nice 25 people dinner. It was great to spend time with those people the night before the big day. Then, like PPs said, invite everyone to everything at the wedding reception.

This is what I'm planning (well, tentatively planning...the wedding isn't until next Fall!). Our guest list is around 160, and I made a list of who would be invited to the rehearsal dinner and it was 30-35 people (depending on if the guests are in relationships or single at the time--of COURSE the person's significant other would be invited). We're not having an "official" wedding party with the traditional wedding party attire or duties, but the rehearsal dinner will be our closest friends and immediate families. I envision lots of toasts, and maybe someone even putting together a funny photo slideshow or something. I think my family in particular will love getting to know our friends a little better, and our closest friends will love hearing funny stories about us when we were younger.

Guest invite dilema

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