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Wedding Etiquette Forum
After elopement - vow renewal?
Hello,
So my husband and I eloped, then announced it to the family as the wedding planning was being started. The family had no issue with continuing the planning for the ceremony and reception. Recently we announced it to all the people who were meant to be our wedding attendants. Again, they were all happy for us and still happy to continue with the wedding plan. We are going to publicly announce our elopement soon. The thing is - the wedding venue was reserved for 8 months from now so we are planning on turning it into a vow renewal ceremony/wedding celebration reception and say so on the save the dates/invites. I've been reading up on the proper etiquette and honestly, I can't tell. Is this appropriate?
Best Answers
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Do you really need to renew your vows after only 8 months? Why not just make it a proper ceremony/reception?Personally (this is my opinion and I don't know 100% if it even follows etiquette), you eloped, so you're married. I don't think you should expect to have a 'normal' wedding. I think a reception/get together to celebrate with friends and family is totally appropriate, but I wouldn't expect gifts, a shower, etc. Even a ceremony might be appropriate, depending on the reasoning behind your elopement (like if he were military, for example).
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manateehugger member
Nope. This is what TK likes to call a Pretty Princess Day - or a faux re-enactment of your wedding ceremony. You had your wedding day planned, but then you eloped and that became your wedding day.
What about hosting a kick ass first anniversary party? Buy a gorgeous but simple gown, stick your husband in a nice suit or tux, show pictures from your elopment (if you have them), request someone to say a very brief blessing over your marriage, cut cake, have a spotlight dance, and then just party it up? Still a fabulous time without stomping all over etiquette, the sanctity of marriage, and without looking tacky as hell.
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Maggie0829 member
What do you mean by "proper" ceremony/reception? They had a proper ceremony when they eloped. It was proper because they ended up married.queenofhearts1728 said:Do you really need to renew your vows after only 8 months? Why not just make it a proper ceremony/reception?Personally (this is my opinion and I don't know 100% if it even follows etiquette), you eloped, so you're married. I don't think you should expect to have a 'normal' wedding. I think a reception/get together to celebrate with friends and family is totally appropriate, but I wouldn't expect gifts, a shower, etc. Even a ceremony might be appropriate, depending on the reasoning behind your elopement (like if he were military, for example).I think, OP, you should skip the ceremony/vow renewal aspect and just through yourself a huge anniversary party to celebrate your marriage with family and friends. -
SKPM member
Agree with the bolded, 100%. As long as you're up front and honest with every guest about the fact that you're already married, have the party that you've been planning. As a guest, I would think a ceremony would be a bit weird (vow renewal after only 8 months?), but I would be more than happy to attend a party with a DJ, bar, dinner, whatever, to celebrate with the happy couple.southernbelle0915 said:I don't understand. If you eloped, how are you planning a wedding ceremony? Did you not go through with it?If you're already married, you can't get married again unless you get divorced first. If you're alraedy married but you want to celebrate with all your friends you would have liked to invite, do that. Throw a big party. But don't pretend you're getting married again - so no bridesmaids (you're not a bride), no cake cutting, no "first" dances, no showers, no engagement parties, no ceremony. You forfeited all that when you got married.However, no one ever forfeits the right to a party. Throw an awesome party with a DJ, a caterer, and buy an awesome dress. You'll have a ton of fun, just don't pretend to be a bride. KWIM?
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Re: After elopement - vow renewal?
Frankly any sort of vow renewal after less than a year to my mind is just a pretty pretty princess day in disguise. For 10 years, sure. One year- oh please.
I get what you're saying. And trust me, I probably know more couples than you who have had their lives completely thrown off schedule by a deployment (me and FI included). I sit around all the time wondering if FI will get notice of yet another deployment that will throw our entire wedding plans out the window. We're attending a rushed wedding in a month that was originally scheduled for March, but the groom is getting deployed in January.
However, having a civil ceremony is still having a wedding ceremony. MANY couples struggle with separations, insurance issues, money issues,etc, not just military. To renact a ceremony after a deployment is still silly in my opinion. It's still a wife pretending to be a bride.
You either wait or you move up your ceremony and find joy in the day that you became husband and wife.
No one forced them to get married before the deployment. They wanted to get married and did. They made an adult decision and adult decisions have consequences. It doesn't matter whether people have a JOP/ elope because of deployments, insurance, pregnancy, illness, money etc. You get ONE wedding. Not two becasue the first one wasn't what you always dreamed.
FYI, this is an etiquette forum, so we try to follow etiquette guidelines. Not dispense knowing bad advice
I'm HOPING the benefits she's talking about are the rights spouses recieve to visit their wounded spouse, or God forbid, control the details of burial and funeral. These are the "benefits" that Clayton and I talk about wanting if he were to be deployed. The military (or at least Army) currently refuses to recognize domestice partners and/or fiancees.
But yeah, to get married for free/subsidized housing and free insurance is utterly disgraceful.
Personally (this is my opinion and I don't know 100% if it even follows etiquette), you eloped, so you're married. I don't think you should expect to have a 'normal' wedding. I think a reception/get together to celebrate with friends and family is totally appropriate, but I wouldn't expect gifts, a shower, etc. Even a ceremony might be appropriate, depending on the reasoning behind your elopement (like if he were military, for example). What do you mean by "proper" ceremony/reception? They had a proper ceremony when they eloped. It was proper because they ended up married.
I think, OP, you should skip the ceremony/vow renewal aspect and just through yourself a huge anniversary party to celebrate your marriage with family and friends.And as a future military spouse, I'd just like to throw it out there that we don't get some special pass from basic etiquette rules and common decency because our fiances happen to be in the military.I don't think you get a special pass by any means, but I don't think it's necessarily fair that you should miss out on your wedding simply because your fiance happened to have gotten deployed during your engagement. I've known a few couples who have had civil ceremonies prior to the deployment in order to receive benefits if something were to happen and had the formal ceremony when the partner returned, since they were already planning for it anyway. It may not follow proper etiquette, but I don't think its unreasonable/rude in that situation.Ok, first you don't have to miss out on a wedding if your SO gets deployed. You either wait until he/she returns or you move up your wedding to have it before he/she leaves.
Second, getting married for the benefits only is disgusting. If you want to get married fine, but when you do you better be 100% happy with the way that it happens because under no circumstances is it okay to get married just to benefit from it and then turn around and have a PPD. To me that is abusing the system.
Just because someone is in the military does not give them rights to ignore etiquette. I'm HOPING the benefits she's talking about are the rights spouses recieve to visit their wounded spouse, or God forbid, control the details of burial and funeral. These are the "benefits" that Clayton and I talk about wanting if he were to be deployed. The military (or at least Army) currently refuses to recognize domestice partners and/or fiancees. But yeah, to get married for free/subsidized housing and free insurance is utterly disgraceful.
This is exactly what I meant. I live in a military town, and I know a lot of people who just get married for the extra pay, which I in no way, shape, or form agree with. But I do think that a spouse - even a future one - should be recognized if something tragic were to happen, which is why I personally don't see a problem with having the civil ceremony for those reasons only. I understand it doesn't follow etiquette, and I completely understand not wanting to provide poor advice. I never said it followed etiquette. I said it was my opinion.
What Maggie said.
If we got word of a deployment before next summer, FI and I would get married now, have a huge celebration later. We would NOT have a reenactment, because we'd be making the adult decision that being legally married was more important than having the big white wedding ceremony.
There are still right and wrong decisions in life. Military life and service is based on the principle of humble sacrifice.