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Fiancee not invited

candicerae510candicerae510 member
5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
in Snarky Brides
Hi I know this topic has been covered before but I still need advice. I am a California bride getting married in December and my best friend is getting married in Texas in October we are both in each other's weddings but yesterday when I received my invitation my husband to be was not invited. I was hurt by this so I asked her and her response was that she thought it would be too expensive for both of us to fly out. It is expensive but my fiancee and I had already worked out the money issue months in advance. I don't think it was fair to make that choice for us. What do I do? Most boards say just not to go but I feel bad because I am in the wedding and have also already paid 2 grand in pre-wedding festivities (dress, shoes, flying out for her bacholorette party, Bridal shower) I don't know if I should decline or just add my fiancee's name to the invite? Any help would be appreciated   
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Re: Fiancee not invited

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    MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    This is your best friend??  The wedding is not until October.  Your "friend" has a lot of time before she has to turn in a head count to her caterer.  Explain to her that although she may have thought she was being considerate, it was not her decision to make.  Tell her to kindly add your FI to the guest list, and that you will add him accordingly to the RSVP.  It would be wrong of you to simply add his name to the invitation without speaking to her first.  

    Was she planning on leaving her husband behind for your wedding?
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    BethanyandJacobBethanyandJacob member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Yea, I agree with PP. It will be a tough conversation to have, but you need to have it. If the money thing was really the reason, you should be able to tell her you can handle it and all will be dandy. But if that was just a cover-up for a different reason, you need to know what that reason is and decide if she should still be considered the best friend you have.
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    misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited August 2013
    It was horribly rude for her not to invite him. You are a social unit and to split you up is a blatant lack of respect for your relationship. I would not attend a wedding if my FI wasn't invited. 
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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    I'm so floored by this. Is she giving you a fake excuse? I mean, plenty of cray cray newbie poster brides on here talk about making these decisions for people, so I shouldn't be surprised. Yet, I am.

    After she told you her reason for leaving him off the invitation, what did she say? What did you say?
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    allispainallispain member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Liatris2010 said:
    I'd call her back, let her know you two have worked out the (non-existent) money issue and will both be attending. If she says no, then neither of you will be attending, but she is free to call you when she's returned to her senses and ready to respect your relationship.
    This. What a presumption on her part, I might add.
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    candicerae510candicerae510 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    When I told her we had already planned for it financially and that I expected her to bring her husband to my wedding so I thought I'd be able to bring my guy especially since I have to travel so far. When she did finally respond it was a carefully worded text not saying I could bring my fiancee but that her husband probably wouldn't make it to mine because of work. I just feel bad deciding not to go because I'm in the wedding or should that even matter at this point?
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    MissMollyMissMolly member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    mobkaz said:
    This is your best friend??  The wedding is not until October.  Your "friend" has a lot of time before she has to turn in a head count to her caterer.  Explain to her that although she may have thought she was being considerate, it was not her decision to make.  Tell her to kindly add your FI to the guest list, and that you will add him accordingly to the RSVP.  It would be wrong of you to simply add his name to the invitation without speaking to her first.  

    Was she planning on leaving her husband behind for your wedding?
    I totally agree with this, but on the flip side, there are many people who are invited sans guest to weddings, and RSVP saying that that person is coming anyways, and that's not wrong. Hell, I invited a family of 3 to our wedding, not knowing that the parental figure was dating anyone, he RSVPed for 5, and I was told that it was incredibly wrong to not invite the date that I didn't even know existed. So, while bringing this up to your best friend may be the right thing to do, and honestly don't think it would be wrong of you to just RSVP for 2 people.
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    grumbledoregrumbledore member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    candicerae510 said:
    When I told her we had already planned for it financially and that I expected her to bring her husband to my wedding so I thought I'd be able to bring my guy especially since I have to travel so far. When she did finally respond it was a carefully worded text not saying I could bring my fiancee but that her husband probably wouldn't make it to mine because of work. I just feel bad deciding not to go because I'm in the wedding or should that even matter at this point?
    I think she's being awful.  I wouldn't travel to a wedding without my SO unless he didn't want to go.  That's bs.  I would be pissed about wasting $2K already but I'm not sure I'd go.

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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Aleshad1978 said:
    mobkaz said:
    This is your best friend??  The wedding is not until October.  Your "friend" has a lot of time before she has to turn in a head count to her caterer.  Explain to her that although she may have thought she was being considerate, it was not her decision to make.  Tell her to kindly add your FI to the guest list, and that you will add him accordingly to the RSVP.  It would be wrong of you to simply add his name to the invitation without speaking to her first.  

    Was she planning on leaving her husband behind for your wedding?
    I totally agree with this, but on the flip side, there are many people who are invited sans guest to weddings, and RSVP saying that that person is coming anyways, and that's not wrong. Hell, I invited a family of 3 to our wedding, not knowing that the parental figure was dating anyone, he RSVPed for 5, and I was told that it was incredibly wrong to not invite the date that I didn't even know existed. So, while bringing this up to your best friend may be the right thing to do, and honestly don't think it would be wrong of you to just RSVP for 2 people.

    @aleshad1978 You are giving bad advice. It is impolite to RSVP for more, or other, guests than for whom the invitation is for. You do not just add people when the invitation is addressed only to you. It is wrong. When your guest added two people to an invitation you issued, you should have called that person. While it was rude of them to add two, when you learned your guest was in a relationship, it was right that you added the SO. No one should just think it is correct to add people to an RSVP.
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    TotalGlamBrideTotalGlamBride member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment

    I'd be finding a new best friend. 

    Seriously, if you're that close, I don't know why you just can't have an adult conversation about the situation.  This is childish.

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    MissMollyMissMolly member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    NYCMercedes said:
    Aleshad1978 said:
    mobkaz said:
    This is your best friend??  The wedding is not until October.  Your "friend" has a lot of time before she has to turn in a head count to her caterer.  Explain to her that although she may have thought she was being considerate, it was not her decision to make.  Tell her to kindly add your FI to the guest list, and that you will add him accordingly to the RSVP.  It would be wrong of you to simply add his name to the invitation without speaking to her first.  

    Was she planning on leaving her husband behind for your wedding?
    I totally agree with this, but on the flip side, there are many people who are invited sans guest to weddings, and RSVP saying that that person is coming anyways, and that's not wrong. Hell, I invited a family of 3 to our wedding, not knowing that the parental figure was dating anyone, he RSVPed for 5, and I was told that it was incredibly wrong to not invite the date that I didn't even know existed. So, while bringing this up to your best friend may be the right thing to do, and honestly don't think it would be wrong of you to just RSVP for 2 people.

    @aleshad1978 You are giving bad advice. It is impolite to RSVP for more, or other, guests than for whom the invitation is for. You do not just add people when the invitation is addressed only to you. It is wrong. When your guest added two people to an invitation you issued, you should have called that person. While it was rude of them to add two, when you learned your guest was in a relationship, it was right that you added the SO. No one should just think it is correct to add people to an RSVP.
    Well, I was told that he absolutely wasn't in the wrong, and that I was, even when the guest was called and told to bring his date along. On the flip-side, I would never RSVP for more than invited, but I don't blame guests who do.
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    Pepper6Pepper6 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I'd just bring your FI anyways, then get really drunk and make an inappropriate toast. 
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    delujm0delujm0 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    This is so rude, I can't even deal.  This isn't even "Emily Post says I only have to invite SO's if they're married or engaged" because OP is ENGAGED and a person who she thinks is her BEST FRIEND didn't invite her fiance to her wedding.  Two questions:

    1) Why is this person your best friend?

    2) Why can't you just CALL HER (texts are open to too much interpretation) and talk through the situation? 

     

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    FiancBFiancB member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    To me it sounds like she's just a bit clueless and thought she was doing you a favor. I'd just give her the benefit of the doubt, let her know your bringing him, and then do so. 

    With my guest list I am pretty much just assuming everybody's bringing a +1, if not kids as well. To me it sounds like she just didn't really think things through too well. There's the money "issue" but there's also a lot of people that don't really like to tag along as dates when their SO is busy being in the wedding, so maybe she assumed he just didn't want to go. 
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    d2vad2va member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    WOW!

    Not only did she not invite your FI, she is still not giving you a direct answer as to whether he is or is NOT invited. 

    To be honest, if this was how my "best friend" was treating me, and my soon to be husband... I would not attend her wedding. I would return what I could for what you purchased i.e shoes or anything  else. If you already booked a flight for the bachelorette I would get the FI to get a ticket and then go on a little mini vacation just the two of you.

    I honestly cant even imagine what is going through your head right now, but as PPs stated, I am mad for you.
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    MrsRadkeMrsRadke member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Anyone ever find out what happened? I hope her friend was like "omg, I am sorry, I was so stressed about things when we were texting, I would love to see both of you!"
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    candicerae510candicerae510 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    Thank-you guys for your help. As it turns out after I talked to her and she didn't give me a direct answer she had to resend out her response cards (a slight mess up with the return address) and my fiancee still was not listed as invited a week after I talked her about everything so we decided not to attend the wedding. I feel guilty but I feel she was being rude. Again Thank-you for your help
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    JeeGooDowsterJeeGooDowster member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    dont' feel guilty.  she was being more than rude.
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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    candicerae510 said:
    Thank-you guys for your help. As it turns out after I talked to her and she didn't give me a direct answer she had to resend out her response cards (a slight mess up with the return address) and my fiancee still was not listed as invited a week after I talked her about everything so we decided not to attend the wedding. I feel guilty but I feel she was being rude. Again Thank-you for your help
    Don't feel guilty about this. She was in the wrong here, not you.
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    MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    candicerae510 said:
    Thank-you guys for your help. As it turns out after I talked to her and she didn't give me a direct answer she had to resend out her response cards (a slight mess up with the return address) and my fiancee still was not listed as invited a week after I talked her about everything so we decided not to attend the wedding. I feel guilty but I feel she was being rude. Again Thank-you for your help
    Guilty is the last thing you should feel. Proud that you stayed true to your convictions and united as a couple is the emotion you should carry.
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    KeighlaDanielleKeighlaDanielle member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    Maybe she doesn't like your FI - maybe she thinks you shouldn't be getting married. Maybe she shouldn't be getting married? Maybe your FI and her and a thing before you and it would be awkward. So many situations, but it sounds like you got out of it. I hope everything works out!
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    MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    KeighlaDanielle said:
    Maybe she doesn't like your FI - maybe she thinks you shouldn't be getting married. Maybe she shouldn't be getting married? Maybe your FI and her and a thing before you and it would be awkward. So many situations, but it sounds like you got out of it. I hope everything works out!
    Whether the friend likes the FI or not, he must be included.  Friends opinion on candicerae's engagement status is is also NOT a factor.  And frankly, why you brought up scenario #3 is beyond me, but it still would not change the fact that BOTH people need to be invited.  So none of your situations would apply in this case.
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