How long to wait?

Daenaria86 · September 2013

I wasn't sure whether or not to post, but I figure why not?

I'm 27, my boyfriend is 30. He will be 31 next month, and two days later we will celebrate 2 years together. I'm a full time student, he works full time. We've lived together for almost as long as we've been dating. We met online on a dating website and hit it off really well.

After dating 9 months, we found ourselves pregnant. We had a really low point, where I even left for a couple of days. His parents hate me, they think I got pregnant on purpose (I would NEVER do that). My family loves him, the remainder of his family loves me. His grandparents have been encouraging him to propose, and my family is starting to suggest the same. To them, his response is he doesn't have enough money for a ring (complete bull sh*t). When I've asked him about marriage, his reply is that he's just not ready yet.

The majority of his friends are married, getting married, and having babies. He's the last one. After 2 years, joint financed home improvements (to a house he owns in his name), a joint car payment... what is going on? How long do I wait? Having a baby out of wedlock was a huge deal for me. I gave our baby his last name, against my better judgment. I don't believe a baby should have a different last name than their mother. But I was hoping that would encourage him to propose.

On top of all that, my father was just diagnosed with terminal cancer this week. I want my dad to be there, to walk me down the aisle. To see me in my wedding dress. I had a feeling of urgency to get married before, but this has just exaggerated it all.

I'm thinking of bringing up marriage again to him, then setting an deadline if he doesn't propose. But honestly, I'm thinking that deadline may be January 1. I just don't know how to do it. I've often had to give him ultimatums. Our house did not have flooring prior to a month ago, just the concrete subfloor as he had torn out the old flooring before we met. I had to threaten to leave with the baby unless he finally installed flooring - which I am helping to pay for. He's just very slow to make decisions and is not assertive at all. I don't know what to do. I know he loves me. I know he doesn't want to loose me. But I'm not willing to let the remainder of my child-bearing years pass me by while he finally grows up enough to propose.

Daenaria86 · September 2013

I should follow up - I won't give him an ultimatum to propose by Jan 1, that's more of a deadline I'll set in my head. I just don't know how to tell him that I'm ready for that commitment, I need it. Or I want to move on and find someone who wants that type of relationship.

bethsmiles · September 2013

You threatened to leave him and take his kid away over flooring? Why didn't you make sure it got done? Or have an adult conversation with him about getting it done?

If ultimatums are the only way you know how to get things done in your relationship I don't think you should be discussing marriage. That is an extremely unhealthy way to communicate in a relationship. It's manipulative. You need to learn how to communicate better.

If you want to get married have an adult conversation about. Don't use ultimatums. Discuss why you haven't gotten married already, why it's important to you, a possible timeline for making it happen when you are both ready, and what you need to accomplish to make that timeline work.

Also you aren't exactly close to the end of your "child-bearing" years.

Daenaria86 · September 2013

We discussed flooring, in a positive and non-ultimative way, for a year. Once the baby started to roll over and try to get moving, I told him enough was enough. Either we were installing flooring, or I had to take her to a safe environment.

We had a roach infestation in our house for months while I was pregnant. I had to tell him, when I was 9 months pregnant, either call an exterminator, or I wasn't bringing the baby to the house.

He's just... he hates spending money, even when necessary. I think that's the problem. He doesn't want to spend the money on a ring.

We have great communication. For the most part, we are on the same page with things in our life. I've only had to threaten him a couple of times, and those were my last resorts. Very last. I don't like manipulating him, or anyone.

bethsmiles · September 2013

Daenaria86 said:

We discussed flooring, in a positive and non-ultimative way, for a year. Once the baby started to roll over and try to get moving, I told him enough was enough. Either we were installing flooring, or I had to take her to a safe environment.

We had a roach infestation in our house for months while I was pregnant. I had to tell him, when I was 9 months pregnant, either call an exterminator, or I wasn't bringing the baby to the house.

He's just... he hates spending money, even when necessary. I think that's the problem. He doesn't want to spend the money on a ring.

We have great communication. For the most part, we are on the same page with things in our life. I've only had to threaten him a couple of times, and those were my last resorts. Very last. I don't like manipulating him, or anyone.

You don't have to have a ring to be engaged.

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

First, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's diagnosis. My thoughts and prayers are with you right now. *Hugs*

As I read your posts, @daenaria86, I feel like you honestly don't want to marry this guy. You might want to be married, you might want him to grow up and be a better partner and father, but you don't seem particularly excited about HIM as your husband.

As @bethsmiles pointed out, ultimatums are not the best way to get him to propose - not even close. As my brother once pointed out to me, "Amapola, men will do what they say they're going to do. There's no need to nag them every six months." Humorous, but you get the point. Sometimes they are not punctual, sometimes they take forever and a day, but they will get to it.

So the first thing that needs to happen is taking ultimatums off the table. You will know when you reach the point where you just can't go forward anymore, so don't even worry about setting some arbitrary deadline; it won't do anything for you or for him.

Next, you need to sit down and explain to him why you feel like soon or now is a good time to get engaged: "BF, I love you very much, we have a daughter together, and we are creating a wonderful home together. I love our life together, and I want to be married to you someday." You can mention the fact that you want your dad there to walk you down the aisle, and that his diagnosis has really gotten you thinking about the future, but just remember that this does not ultimately decide when the best time to get married will be. Then let him say his piece, whatever it is, and that will give you more information. Maybe he wants to be dating for a longer period of time (you said it's been almost two years, right?). Maybe he wants to be earning more. Maybe he's not the marrying type. If he says any of those things, that will tell you if your goal of marrying him is even realistic, and you can proceed from there.

Finally, I would suggest thinking extremely hard about what you would be committing to in marrying this man. If he "hates spending money even when it's necessary" and that drives you crazy, that's not going to change. He may learn to be more generous and learn that it won't break the bank to buy you something or upgrade something every now and again, but he will always think about the bottom line. So please consider this through and through before you even approach him about this again.

phira · September 2013

It sounds like you're not entirely happy in this relationship as it is. Marriage isn't going to change your relationship. If the relationship stayed exactly like this, would you want to stay?

bethsmiles · September 2013

I agree with @phira and @Amapola14 - It doesn't seem like you really want to be with this man. If you have to use ultimatums to make you happy in the relationship or get him to do things you feel he should do on your own I don't think it's the right relationship for you. Getting engaged and married will not change him or your relationship.

From you posts I don't think marriage should be on the table right now. Couples counseling would be an excellent idea.

I'm sorry to hear about your father. However rushing a wedding so he can be there is not a good idea, especially if you need to use ultimatums to get there.

CASK85 · September 2013

Love is not just a feeling. Love requires actions. Like making sure your girlfriend and your baby have a safe floor put in. Doing that without needing to be pestered or given ultimatums shows love. The opposite raises a red flag and some questions about his true feelings.

Does he really love you or is he just trying to be a good guy by staying with you because you live together and have a child together? I know that is a hard and shitty thing to wonder. But ask yourself and honestly evaluate what I bet you already know.

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

First of all... I think it's really unwise to make any type of financial investment in a house that is not in your name. Rent is one thing. Home improvements are another.

I understand your desire to be married to the father of your child. And I understand the desire to want to get married while your father can still be around to see it.

Honestly though... I think you should leave. I agree 100% with Cschiano that love is not just words, hugs, or good sex. Love is actions. Love is making sure your pregnant girlfriend and newborn baby have a safe, clean, habitable place to live in, and doing so because you WANT to, not because of ultimatums. Love is committing to your daughter's mother because you know it's important to her, her father is sick, and she'd like him to be at the wedding. Love is not valuing money over the happiness and well being of your SO and baby. Love is not allowing your parents to badmouth your GF because she is pregnant, after all, you're the one who impregnated her.

I think it also says a lot that you had a huge fight (and even left) when you found out you were pregnant. Didn't seem like he wanted to commit to a baby. Maybe he said that to his parents, and they projected that onto you and made it YOUR fault.

He doesn't sound like a catch. I'd take your baby and find her a guy worthy of being her father.

STARMOON44 · September 2013

Why are you putting money into a house you don't own? When you aren't married and don't get any control over it?

Fran1985 · September 2013

He is ready to have a baby but not ready to get married? Having a baby is a way bigger deal. Honestly, if he is not ready to marry you now, he is not going to be ready. I think you need to start taking steps to think about your life without him as a partner. He will always be in your life because he is the father of your child, but it sounds way more like you want to be married than you want to marry HIM.

bride2b71614 · September 2013

I am so sorry to hear about your father. Cancer sucks. I understand the sudden urgency to get married because you want him there. It does not help that people are encouraging your BF to propose. Add watching your friends get married around you on top of that definitely doesn't make the situation better. While reading your post a few alarm bells went off in my head. 1) You had this baby out of wedlock which was a HUGE deal for you (I do not know if you discussed getting married to him while you were pregnant, or if you brought up the idea) 2) You put your bf's name on your daughter's birth certificate in hopes that you would receive a proposal. 3) When you have talked to him privately about getting married, he says he isn't ready yet.There are a lot of other issues in this post. His family dislikes you saying you got pregnant on purpose, and causing tension between you and your BF. After you had your daughter he refused to provide safe and adequate housing for the family you built together. You cannot communicate effectively with each other,and you think that giving him a timeline as to when to propose is going to change that? He said he isn't ready. That will not change anytime soon. You need to find an effective way to communicate with your BF before you think about marriage anytime soon. Good luck.

[Deleted User] · September 2013

That does sound like a frustrating position. Since you are already living together and parenting a child, it doesn't seem like marriage should feel like a significantly bigger step! Maybe he is feeling a lot of financial insecurity since you have been in school this whole time, and he fears he will have to assume the role of sole/primary breadwinner even after you graduate - and so is just feeling avoidant of marriage entirely. How much longer before you are done with school and can start working again? (Do you plan to work?)

How long to wait?

Re: How long to wait?

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